Am I being a bad friend?

[TOWinNYC]

I have a "friend" (lets call her DAG) who I am no longer close to as I used to be. Mostly due to her "never good enough/looking down on others/delusional/sticking head in the sand" attitude.

 

Well that attitude has landed DAG in a financial pickle and she has to move back into her old "beneath her" neighborhood (which is where I live). Due to her current lease ending and her new lease starting - there is a month long gap.

 

Thankfully, DAG has not asked to move in with ME but will be moving in with someone else (lets call this person CM. CM is an acquaintence to me, close friend to DAG). Except that DAG has not one, not two, not three but FOUR (4!!!) cats.

 

CM - whom I have not spoken to or seen in years, recently contacted me and asked for "a huge favor". Would I be willing to house 1-2 of DAG's cats?

 

It's not even like DAG contacted me herself (because right now she's mad at me because I pointed out one of her delusions) and quite frankly,

 

I. Don't. Want. To.

 

First of all, none of her cats are "normal" - one likes to crap in the tub, another needs to be medicated daily, the third in a slinky ghost (and what's the point of doing all the work of having a cat when you can't touch it?) and the fourth is one that has been foisted on her by a "boyfriend" who is leaving the country. I had warned her not to take cat #4 (already seeing what was coming down the pipeline) - but of course, my advice fell on deaf ears.

 

I've had more than one person tell me that I should do this as "a good friend" and that DAG would do this for me (had the tables been reversed) I needed to do this for her. Except, quite honestly, I would never be in a situation like this!

 

I don't believe in being financially irresponsible, I don't believe in living beyond my means, I don't believe in adding pets to my life when I can't care for them properly (and I MISS having a pet) and I also have a life of my own. I have vacations planned, I have company coming over, I'm not around a lot on the weekends etc.

 

DAG created this mess herself and I don't see why I should be involved in cleaning it up. And while it's only for "a month" am I being a bad friend if I refuse to do this??? Just because I don't want to?

[blueyedgrl85]

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. CM agreed to allow DAG to stay at her place, so the felines are her responsibility. It was rude of her to try and pass them off to you. If you did agree to take them, then she would keep on asking for you to help out until DAG herself slowly wound up staying by you. Keep it cordial if you see them in the neighborhood, then carry on with your life.

[marsle85]

It sounds like to me that the woman's finances or cats are you problem. The problem is you don't WANT to be this person's friend. Otherwise these ordeals would possibly irritate you, but not hinder you from helping her.

 

You're not evil for this, you just don't want to be her friend.

 

I don't know why you are feeling obligated to be her friend. There is a line however, don't classify her as a friend if you're not planning to act like one.

[Ronni_W]

And while it's only for "a month"

The biggest problem with that is, too often, "only for a month" turns into a situation that drags on and on and on...until there's a big blow-up needed to resolve it.

 

The people who think a "good" friend would or 'should' sacrifice personal goals and lifestyle to take on the responsibility of other people's pets...well, how crazy does that sound? They're clueless as to the role a "good" friend is actually supposed to play in their lives.

 

How about, a "good" friend would not even ask someone to take on responsibilities for which they never signed up in the first place? CM signed up to be DAG's roommate, so CM is the one who must bear the consequences of her/his decision to do that. Period. There is nothing "friendly" about trying to drag you into it.

 

It has nothing to do with being financially irresponsible and it has nothing to do with cats who are not "normal". In any case, you don't need excuses to not take on responsibility that you don't want.

 

Just say, "I'm sorry. I've found that my personal responsibilities, obligations, goals, lifestyle and schedule make it impossible for me to properly care for pets...that's why I don't have one. I can't take this on."

 

Saying 'no' makes you someone who knows your own limits. If others want to translate that into you being a "bad" friend...that's their own faulty thinking and distorted understanding of friendship and life in general.

 

If DAG needs to find a permanent new home for one or two of her cats...that is what she must do. It's not your job or responsibility to protect her from the consequences of her own decisions and actions.

[TOWinNYC]

THANK YOU SO MUCH for all your replies! It has given me a clearer picture of everything.

 

blueyedgrl85 - I used your line on CM "you agreed to allow DAG to stay at your place, so the felines are your responsibility". Thanks!

 

marsle85 - I think you're right. I no longer WANT to be DAG's "friend". It probably started two years ago when as a "friend" I agreed to take care of her cats while she went on vacation.....and all I asked (jokingly but not really) was for "clean sheets and clean towels". I expected a certain level of "clutter" but what I got a FILTHY pre-Hoarders apartment, not enough cat food to last the week, a bathroom so skeevy I had to wear flip flops in the shower and dry myself off with a (clean) t-shirt I had.

 

Ronni_W - You hit the other nail on the head. Yes, I'm afraid that "only a month" will turn into something much much longer.... And I've already had my blow up with DAG over a "situation" (see above) because I couldn't believe someone would do that to me! If I had someone staying at my house doing me a favor, you better believe I would have it clean and comfortable and enjoyable!

[Peaceful Guy]

CM - whom I have not spoken to or seen in years, recently contacted me and asked for "a huge favor". Would I be willing to house 1-2 of DAG's cats?

 

It's not even like DAG contacted me herself (because right now she's mad at me because I pointed out one of her delusions) and quite frankly,

 

this is setting boundaries. if you want to do it for CM, then do it for her, its not about DAG. if not, then thats perfectly fine dont spend another minute on it either beating yourself up or on the flipside feeling righteous about it.

 

First of all, none of her cats are "normal" - one likes to crap in the tub, another needs to be medicated daily, the third in a slinky ghost (and what's the point of doing all the work of having a cat when you can't touch it?) and the fourth is one that has been foisted on her by a "boyfriend" who is leaving the country.

 

leave the cats out of this! seriously, you'de do it for a friend! also, im sure they're pretty sweet but that's beside the point!

 

am I being a bad friend if I refuse to do this??? Just because I don't want to?

 

no, because the reason you don't want to is that you don't have a real relationship with this person any more. you're not comfortable doing this and are unable to help with this specific situation right now. my advice is don't do it!