hmm

[nigh2]

so what do you do when alls you have is you? everyone you know and who used to be friends no longer contacts you or calls? and ignores you when you try to contact them

Its been at least a year since Ive had a friend, after typing that I cant believe it. What am I doing wrong? I feel that the person I am becoming is not me...its not who I want to be and its because most of the time Im by myself..I have no one to really share any interests with? its frustrating. I dont really have anyone to look up to for advice my dad passed away and my bro is thousands of miles away....I lost my best friend in a car accident a few years ago and he was like a brother....and my moms bf is a good guy, but really is everything I dont want to be...I wish I had someone around to keep me on the right track, I feel as though Ive screwed up to many times on my own, live and learn, but i cant keep going like this. Any thoughts? advice? negative or positive I dont mind.

[TOWinNYC]

Hi there - sometimes YOU have to make the first move when it comes to creating new friends. You have to make the effort to get to know someone, ask to go grab a drink or have lunch. Sometimes this even applies to OLD friends, especially as you get older and time gets more precious - we all need to "make the time" to get together with people.

 

If your old friends are consistently ignoring you (ie. won't return calls, emails etc) and you feel like you've made the effort - forget about them. Concentrate on creating some new friendships. And in a weird way, it's like dating. You have to test out new friends too.

 

Sometimes you think you'd like to be friends with someone and they turn out to not really "fit". It could even be something as small as food choices. I was testing out a new friend and since I live in NYC, there's a million great places to eat. I suggested a great little Afghani place. Turns out she wasn't really an adventurous eater, didn't like ANY ethnic foods and ALSO didn't really eat pasta or rice! I was like, well, what do you eat? And she said "basically meat and potatoes". Gah.

 

That was when I knew we really couldn't be friends.

 

Anyway, good luck to you!!!

[nigh2]

hey, thanks for the reply. I guess being from a small town its hard for me to be comfortable with "finding" new friends. Most people back home just are friends with someone they pritty much grew up with. Dont really have to try to terribly hard to find friends. Being close to someone your whole life just happens......For some reason thats not me.Just wasn't the hand I got dealt....

 

So Im learning Just kinda sucks...Life right? haha

[and.then.some]

I'm sorry to hear about your losses.

 

I think the advice you get from anyone will pretty much be the same. You simply have to socialize a bit more. Don't be too pushy, but be friendly. Invite associates to hang out, but don't have high expectations, etc. (If that makes sense.)

 

Join something that interests you, and just make a little polite conversation. "Hi, how are you" and one sentence more is usually enough to break the ice. If the person is pretty social or looking for new buddies of their own, they'll be friendly back, and over time a friendship might grow.

 

I think what people might find intimidating about it is the idea of ... looking for someone to be friends with. When we think of the friends we had and kept, we didn't meet them any differently from the ones we didn't keep or the friendships that never developed. The boyfriends I had weren't the guys who saw me on the street and asked for my number straight away or gave me theirs. They were among the guys who exchanged a few words with me, which turned into a conversation.

 

When you say "the person I've become" I'm not quite sure what you mean. Have you out grown old friends, or have they moved off into different directions? Or, is it something that happened which is causing a change? People go off into different directions. People change, develop new interests, new goals, new lifestyles, etc. Or, sometimes a person's life simply fills up. It's not necessarily that you are doing anything wrong. (Unless you actually did something wrong. If you didn't, then don't even worry about it.)

 

The first thing I think you need to do is try not to be a gloomy guss about the present situation. If you're trying to open yourself up to new opportunities, then you need to be ready for them.

[nigh2]

What I mean by "who I am now" is that due to the circumstances of life, I havn't really had time to focus on friends and things that I enjoy doing. Dealing with loss is something that has become my life. I know how to deal with it, but since Ive been dealing with that and trying to go somewhere with my life (going to school) I havn't really had time to enjoy myself, and really be myself. Everything happens so fast, and time seems to be slipping through my fingers. Im not being down on myself I just am trying to understand my situation from a different perspective. I guess the feeling of being "stranded" isn't that pleasant, and Im doing what I can to move on with my life. Thanks everyone for the advice.

[Peaceful Guy]

Any thoughts? advice?

 

new adventures, new friends!! :)

[and.then.some]

What I mean by "who I am now" is that due to the circumstances of life, I havn't really had time to focus on friends and things that I enjoy doing. Dealing with loss is something that has become my life. I know how to deal with it, but since Ive been dealing with that and trying to go somewhere with my life (going to school) I havn't really had time to enjoy myself, and really be myself. Everything happens so fast, and time seems to be slipping through my fingers. Im not being down on myself I just am trying to understand my situation from a different perspective. I guess the feeling of being "stranded" isn't that pleasant, and Im doing what I can to move on with my life. Thanks everyone for the advice.

 

For the sake of clarity, I didn't mean don't be a gloomy gus about your loses. I was speaking more so on your situations with your friends, and such. Grieving is a natural process that we should allow ourselves.

 

It sounds like you may need some sort of vacation. When you have any spare time, you might enough going for a walk or something of that nature to just clear your mind from all the buzzing, and possibly refocus it on an objective or goal.

 

Walking and writing are the things I like to do to clear my head, and enjoy a little me time. It's also what I do when I need to figure something out. Sometimes when there are so many things going on, it's hard to deal with the major things in the most effective ways. Whether it's about my finances or a romantic interests, I find having the quiet time to think is helpful.

 

It might not open up more space in your calender to get back on to a sports team, for example. But realize the situation is only temporary and take advantage of those quiet moments (even if it's only 15 minutes). I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, but I've gotten back into meditating recently. You don't have to memorize a bunch of mantras, but simply taking the time to relax and breath, and focus on the moment can offer relief.

 

Best wishes!