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Friends who stand people up... sorta.


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

 
 
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Old 26th April 2003, 11:50 AM   #1
POJoe
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Friends who stand people up... sorta.

My best friend has kind of made me mad. This week she asked me about going to her aunt's house with her and her sister this weekend, on Saturday. I said I'd go and everything and she called her aunt to make sure it'd be ok.

Right now though she doesn't have a phone cause it was shut off, so really I can't call her or anything because she has no phone. Well, the plans were made in mid-week. Friday came and as far as I'm concerned we're still going. I will emphasize that if she were to cancell or something came up she has other ways' to call me through her neighbors or whatever.

So I figured that since I hadn't heard from her Friday that it was still on. I'm a night owl, especially on the weekends, but I went to bed early with the thought that we was gonna be going since it was more than an hour away I wanted to make sure I wasn't tired.

I woke up at 7 AM, which I never wake up before 10 on a Saturday but just for this occassion I woke up at 7 and showered and everything and at 9 I decided that she was probably up and everything so I went to her house.

Get to her house, knocked.. nobody ever answers. I leave, go get gas and whatever and come back again at 9:45.. knock.. and again never get an answer.

I leave, come home, and no sooner I get home her aunt calls me asking if we were still coming down. I explained that my friend hasn't called me, she wasn't home, so I didn't know. As far as I was concerned we still was since the plans were never called off.

So her aunt hangs up with me, calls my friend's mom to ask what was up and that we were suppose to come down and apparently my friend and her sister went to a friends house and that they didn't say anything about going to the aunt's.

Aunt calls me back, tells me this and that's the end. So her aunt and uncle went and got all this stuff to BBQ since we were coming down and stuff, I went to bed early on a Friday night and even put some things off and woke up at 7 AM thinking we was still going.

It's now 10:45 AM and I haven't heard anything from my friend, nothing. I'm kind of upset because if you have plans with a person and need to back out at least have the courtesy to friggin' call me and tell me or something.

I find it difficult to believe that there was never a point when my friend went to her mom's house, then to the friend's house, that she wasn't near a telephone that she could call me on just to tell me what's up. Instead I'm left here wondering what is up... so now I'm upset, and sitting here not leaving to go do other stuff because I have no idea what the deal is.

She and I has been the best of friends for 7 years now, we never have fights or anything. She does have a history of doing things like this, but she is honestly a great friend. I tell her everything, she tells me everything. She's the greatest friend a person could ask for... but regardless you shouldn't make plans with someone and then not even show up, call, or anything.

What should I say to her? I'm pretty upset to the point I feel if I talk to her I'll yell at her but I don't want to. Advise please.
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Old 26th April 2003, 12:04 PM   #2
yes
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well..

for one thing, don't sit around - go do other stuff!

second, don't make trip-like plans with her - perhaps she's good for phone & lunch & going to the movies, but if you know she's not reliable - don't do anything more than that!

The point is ... you can't get anything they don't have from people. If she's not reliable, you can't really change her, so simply take it into account when you deal with her.

When you see her next, just say "thanks for that great trip on Sat"...

Good luck,
yes
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Old 26th April 2003, 12:08 PM   #3
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I hear ya, though it's been a while since she had stood me up like that - at least two years - so I thought maybe she grew out of it. Guess I was wrong. Yeah, and another thing I forgot to mention is she always says things like I never ask her to do anything and stuff and she even says to her sister that I don't ask her to do anything and never want to hang out with her and stuff.

I don't get it. Anyways, guess I'll just go find something else to do since I didn't think I'd have to.
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Old 26th April 2003, 4:43 PM   #4
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I know I say this a lot, but it's true. There are a lot of adults who have AD/HD and don't know about it. If you have a pal who is continually forgetful about appointments, etc. and says things like 'you never did x' when you know you did, suspect AD/HD. One of the 'deficits' that goes along with AD/HD is a bad memory. Another is distraction. The person will make an appointment fully intending to keep it. Then something distracts her and she completely forgets.

Once you know your friend is like this, you have to do a little more work. You did try to verify, and that was good. When you couldn't reach her and she hadn't called to confirm, you could expect that she might have forgotten.

Now I suggest to anyone who makes an appointment with me that we call the day before or morning of the event just to confirm. It really helps!
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Old 27th April 2003, 11:23 AM   #5
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I confronted her about it

Well, I decided once more to go to her house to see if she was there and she was. I just flat out asked her what the heck happened and that I don't appreciate someone making plans with me and then blow me off without calling to cancel.

She said she just got busy and had other things to do. I explained to her that it was no excuse for her not to call me. She was like "I have no phone, how am I too call you" and I was just like "you were at your moms house, she has a phone" and she was like "I was only there for 5 minutes".

I just said "Well, you knowi t only take 2 minutes total to pick up the phone and call and tell me things changed. When you make plans with someone, that person tends to alter things a bit. I went to bed at like 11 last night so I'd be ready to go... I friggin' woke up at 7 AM which I would never do on a weekend".

She says to me "well I would of called but I didn't think you would be up that early". My reply "Uhh, we had plans today why wouldn't I be up? Besides, I would rather have you call me and wake me up and cancel plans than not call at all... that's still not an excuse not to call"

And I told her on top of that her aunt called me 3 times wondering what was going on, explained to her that if things changed she was suppose to call her aunt also because her uncle went out and bought all this stuff for us to have a BBQ that never happened.

In the long run she apologized to me and said it was an irresponbile thing for her to do... so she felt bad. So all is good now.
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Old 27th April 2003, 1:47 PM   #6
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YOU WRITE: "In the long run she apologized to me and said it was an irresponbile thing for her to do... so she felt bad. So all is good now."

DUH??? Read your own post above again. I really hate to break this to you but if being with you and keeping her committments was a priority for her, she would have made sure she contacted you. She certainly had the time and opportunity....(right there in your post.)

So what you've got here is a flakey chick who does whatever she wants. Is that the kind of lady you want to pursue? Don't let yourself get jerked around by people. I unconditionally guarantee, you'll get this kind of treatment again.

Just as a side note, I find more and more people these days behaving with a don't give a damned attitude towards other people, their time or their feelings. Maybe it's a sign of the times, maybe it's the polllution...hell, I don't have a clue.

I just don't see how it can be "all good now" but that's your business. Yes, she did apologize but that doesn't negate the fact that she was knowingly rude, irresponsible and mean to you AND her aunt.
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Old 27th April 2003, 3:38 PM   #7
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Oh, geez, Tony! There are capital offenses and there are misdemeanours. There are people who have some flaws but are otherwise good folk. The person hasn't done this to POJoe in years
Quote:
athough it's been a while since she had stood me up like that - at least two years
and she apologized. If she can be a flake with respect to time sense and events but has a lot of other good points, then it is the decent thing to do for PoJoe to make allowances.

Yes, nobody should be taken advantage of, but I think people can have their 'anti-doormat' antennae tuned to 'FAR too sensitive'. Yes, don't stand for repeated abuses by someone, but people do have flaws and some people are bad about time and I think the world would be a much better place if we weren't so all-fired worried about detecting and shooting down any person who appears to have transgressed without first weighing whether they might just have goofed.

That's why the guy you cut off because you misjudged the distance in front of you will haul out a gun and shoot you - no way he will allow YOU to be human and make a mistake!

It's all well and good that you have people's best interests at heart, but sometimes I think you let your pet peeves colour your replies.

Last edited by moimeme; 27th April 2003 at 3:41 PM..
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Old 27th April 2003, 3:53 PM   #8
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To: moimeme

You're absolutely right. I was a little harsh. I sometimes forget I'm giving advice to other people. For me, I wouldn't tolerate this sort of thing once. But if she hasn't done it in a long time, she's certainly entitled to another chance from others.

Keep in mind when critiquing my posts, it's up to the seeker as to who he or she listens to. I'm sure he would ignore my post on his own.

So sorry!!!
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Old 27th April 2003, 4:43 PM   #9
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Whoa, hold it for a second. First of all she's my best friend, this is not someone I'm chasing after or wanting anything else than that. Her and I dated like 7 years ago for a few months, that was it.

Having a relationship with her would be like having a relationship with my sister or something.

Secondly the last time she did this was like two years ago, two years ago. She is a different person now than she was two years ago. So I don't think she is by far a flakey chick, in fact she is the greatest friend in the whole world. I could not ask for a better friend than her.

I cannot think of a time when she turned her back against me, or pushed me away or befriended me. For the past seven years she's been there day and night, and for the past seven years I've made sure I did the same for her.

Too many times we say the phrase "I would trust my life in her hands" but don't put anything behind that or just say that just because. But if I was to put my life and all my trust into anyone in this world, it would be in her hands. Of all the other people I know, there's nobody else I trust more than her.

These days it seems hard to find someone that you could tell them anything and not have them go and spread it around. About everyone I know has done that to me, I tell them something personal and they go and tell other people.

Her on the other hand, in the past seven years all the stuff I have told her has never gotten to anyone. She's never blabbed her mouth to anyone and she's never told people things I've told her.

And no, I wouldn't ignore your post Tony but you were a little harsh and I am replying back because that harashness was against the greatest friend I have.

Yes, she messed up and didn't call me like she should of but we all make mistakes and no I'm not saying what she did was right. I talked to her, I told her that her doing that really upset me and that she should of called. She knows I didn't appreciate that and I could tell by the look in her eye's that she regretted doing it.

After 7 years of knowing her, I know what each look in her eye's means. I know her as good as I know myself and I knew after I told her that upsetted me I knew she regretted it... I could see it in her eye's that when she apologized to me that she meant it.

So it's not like something she does on purpose, she didn't call me because she didn't want to wake me up because I do sleep until 11/11:30 on the weekends. But I told her either way she needed to call me.

So she knows, now if it happens again then yes I will become very pissed off at her becuase she knew what to do. But in all honesty, she probably won't do that again.

So to end this, I'm lucky to have a friend like her and I hope to god that I'm just as good of a friend to her as she is to me. There's no other person on this earth that could replace her, but other than friendship though I couldn't let it go beyond that.

I hope you understand Tony, just wanted you to know that she's not just one of those other "flakey girls".
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Old 27th April 2003, 8:44 PM   #10
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I think some people just don't have true friends and don't understand the value and importance of having them in your life. It's not always wise to throw out the baby with the bath water, so to speak. There are such things as forgivable transgressions. I'm glad you saw that for yourself and went with your own feelings. A true friend is something to value and cherish.
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Old 28th April 2003, 10:16 AM   #11
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I had a friend like that. I always over-looked her "temporary insanity" until she did it to me the last time...on my birthday. In my opinion, this isn't a true friend. It's a rude and selfish person who can't tell others "no." Is this the kind of friend you want?
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Old 30th April 2003, 1:00 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally posted by Ally Boo
I had a friend like that. I always over-looked her "temporary insanity" until she did it to me the last time...on my birthday. In my opinion, this isn't a true friend. It's a rude and selfish person who can't tell others "no." Is this the kind of friend you want?
I'm kind of lost by your post/question Ally. Who said anything about "temporary insanity" and what's this about can't tell a person "no"? I'm lost, please fill me so I can provide answers.
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Old 30th April 2003, 10:26 AM   #13
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What I meant was....

If your friend had changed their mind about going, (as she obviously did), she should have called everyone involved and said so. However, she decided to just avoid the subject all together and let yall "figure it out." That is very rude and selfish to every person involved in this situation.

My point is....how hard is it to just say... "I'm sorry...but...." And for whatever reason, it was more important to her to not let anyone know...and just disappear. That disappearance is the "temporary insaneity" I was referring to.

And my story was saying, that I had a friend who would say "I'll meet you at Olive Garden at 2" and then I'd sit in the parking lot for an hour, and her never show up...and not answer her phones.

In my opinion, that is not a true friend. A true friend is someone who won't leave you hanging like that. And the question I was giving you was....are her actions defining a "true friend" to you?
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Old 30th April 2003, 2:19 PM   #14
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Re: What I meant was....

Quote:
Originally posted by Ally Boo
If your friend had changed their mind about going, (as she obviously did), she should have called everyone involved and said so. However, she decided to just avoid the subject all together and let yall "figure it out." That is very rude and selfish to every person involved in this situation.
I don't deny that she should of called, yes she should of called but I don't think I would go as far as saying she is selfish. She is the least selfish person I know of.

I think at some point in our lives we tend to do this once, maybe not intentionally but I think to some extent we're guilty of doing this. I know I am.

She was very much into the plan, just so happen she got caught up with some last minute things that she couldn't help and I don't blame her. And I do not call her disappearing to be "temporary insaneity".

She had to take someone to work because they had no other ride to work, she just suddenly had stuff that came up. she should of called, yes, and she knows this and she regrets it.

No you get me upset when you start questioning about her being a true friend. For seven years she has always been here for me, in the past seven years she has done so much for me. She has been the greatest friend in the world to me.

I have a lot of friends, and none of them could ever in a million years be as good of a friend to me as she has been to me. She has never lied to me, she's the most honest person I know and quite honestly this is a one time deal. Like I said, it happened once two years ago and that was it.

We never fight or anything. If I were to need someone right now, right here to talk to she would be there. When I say she is the greatest friend ever and I couldn't ask for a better friend, I mean just that. She is my best friend, that's it, but even so she means a hell of a lot to me because she is everything a friend could ask for.

So is she a true friend, you bet your ass she's a true friend and I wouldn't trade her for the world.
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