Severely worried about BF and eating disorder

[asiatica]

hey there...i just had a really, uh, interesting talk with my best friend's husband tonight. we spoke for like 3 hours. things were cool at first, busting on the people on Fashion Emergency, etc.

 

you know the hostess, Emme? She's a plus size model, BEAUTIFUL woman. well, he starts saying that she's unhealthy because she has extra fat on her body.

 

i disagree, of course, saying that i think she's gorgeous and

that she's made mad bank modelling for Lane Bryant, Vicky's

Secret, etc. he says that she pretty much must be really

unhealthy and that she's ugly because of her body fat. i told

him that that was bull because the girl has a chef and a

trainer and that her body just wasn't meant to be skinny.

 

let me sum up:

 

i've figured out that BFH is obsessed with weight and perfect

bodies. he gets all of his info from magazines (which i shot

down, pointing out the fact that they come up with "new!" info

just to sell product, and that most of thier diets and tips are

actually really unhealthy) and so-called "nutritionists" (read:

people who work in gyms who stand to make a lot of money

telling people they're fat). when i suggested he read "our

bodies, ourselves" by the boston women's health collective, he

was just like, "uh, yeah, sure."

 

his obsession has pushed him to tell BF that he has the

perfect plan for her body to "maximize her potential" and says

that he knows he's right because he pushed her to do things his

way (irregardless of some rather frightening opposition on her

part, by the by) and saw improvement.

 

the frightening opposition on her part is the fact that she

admitted to puking up a meal to him about 8 months ago. i'm

estimating that that's about 3 mos. after she miscarried her

first baby. from what he said, he was bothering her about her

food intake and she starting crying and screaming at him,

telling him that she had had a self-inflicted vomitting

episode. in return, he said to her that there were few things

that would make him leave her, but that her turning bulimic

would be one of them.

 

i cautioned him STRONGLY about the fact that this sounded like

bulimia, and that if she ever did anything like this again to

talk to a doctor. he brushed my concerns aside and said that

she was just being extreme and trying to get back at him to

make him feel guilty.

 

he admitted, was PROUD of, closely monitoring all of her food.

he can list every bite, every meal, of what she has during the

day.

 

earlier this week, she asked me to lie, cover for her, when she

drove to McD's to get food, and said that she would park in the

distance and eat if he showed up at home. she was afraid of him seeing her eat.

 

he says that he's just trying to make her be "her best", and

that that implies having a flat stomach and being perfectly

thin. she should have no cellulite. never mind the fact that i

KNOW from being a dancer and study doctors' and nutritionists'

writings on women's health that 1)cellulite doesn't exist as a

medical condition, just an aesthetic one, 2)all women's bodies

are not the same, and collect fat in different places, 3)20% is

JUST enough to have a period and prevent the onset of bone

decay and osteoporosis.

 

he said that doctors and nutritionists are not the people who

would know about weight and body fat, and pretty much implied

that he knows better than them.

 

he also said that he doesn't see a reason why that, after having herbaby, she can't work out 4 to 5 HOURS A WEEK to get the same body she had when she was 19 (she's now 26) and they started dating, because he does it, and that everyone in the world should do the same. i told him that he had the money (punching bag and workout area in the house, home office) and leisure to do so for himself, citing examples of the poor in inner cities, and most people, who have kids or multiple jobs and way better things to do than obsess over thier bodies.

 

he also said that my friends aren't aspiring to be anything that could possibly be any good, and that anything they could be going after isn't worth much, and that i should ditch them all. he's never met any of my friends, just heard me talk on the phone to about two of them. my friends, mind you, are artsy types like fashion designers and filmakers who are in thier early to mid twenties and struggling in the world like me.

 

the problems here are worst than i ever imagined...i

pretty much told him that he'd better watch what he says

because it can sound hateful and cruel, not to mention

unnaccepting of her as what she is. he said, "well, but that's

not what i'm saying!!" i told him that it didn't matter, that

obsessing over food and continually being on her would lead to

something extreme like an eating disorder. it seems that there

are other ways that she's rebelled that i don't even know

about.

 

he laughs at the women in the junior women's club who say that they run thier houses and that women should be accepted for what and whothey are, regardless of thier size; that they should talk to him about size while they're enjoying sandwiches and cake, and that all of thier husbands are miserable being with them.

 

I am EXTREMELY concerned. I don't know what to do, but i do

know that she's living in an insanely f-ed up enviro and that

dom is a hateful man who sees her as his project, his doll, to

make into a perfect woman.

 

please tell me what you think...i desperately need advice. i

want to help my BF!!!

[HokeyReligions]

All you can do is talk to your bf and find out if he understands your point of view. If he agrees with you great. If he feels/acts like that ignorant, stubborn jerk you described, ditch him.

 

Have nothing to do with this other guy. Encourage his wife (your best friend right?) to leave him - bring her to a counseling session with you, or give her the information (from a women's center maybe, or clinic that deals with abused women) so that she can call. Then distance yourself.

 

You can't change this jerk so don't even try. Educate your own bf and explain to him that you won't tolerate that kind of abuse, and it is abuse from what you described. There are many ways to abuse someone and verbal / mental/emotional abuse is horrible, and not always recognized as such.

 

Sadly, there are many people who behave this way. They have to live in their own hell, but you don't.

 

There are health issues that correlate to size - any size. But not all large people are unhealthy. Neither are all very thin people automatically more healthy than their heavier counterparts.

 

You know that and so do many people, but the battle against fat isn't just one of diet and exercise - its education and attitude.

 

I'm sorry for your best friend. You can be there for her, but let her know you won't tolerate her husband's abuse. She needs to get some outside help so that she can deal with the relationship. Sneaking around in order to eat a burger is a symptom of the emotional abuse she is receiving. Call some women's shelters and get information on what you can realistically do to help her gain the strength, self-esteem, self-confidence and self-respect she needs to get away from this situation.

 

Weight is one of my pet peeves. I've lost jobs because of my size. When I go to a new doctor they automatically assess me as having high cholesterol, possibly diabetes, and other weight related health issues.

 

They listen to my heart, take my blood pressure and tell me to lose weight.

 

My basic diet hasn't changed in decades - I eat a bowl of cheerios w/ skim milk (no sugar or anything) for breakfast, or two pieces of whole wheat toast. I have a salad which consists of iceberg lettuce, cucumbers and cherry tomatos, lemon juice - not salad dressing, a hard boiled egg and an apple for lunch. I have grilled chicken or tuna steak and two veggies for dinner (a baked potato twice a week), I have low salt, no butter popcorn for a snack in the evening, and I drink LOTS of water. I get more exercise in the summer because we swim so I'm more tone then, but my weight doesn't fluctuate that much.

 

Sound pretty healthy? Overall I am. I have arthritis which limits what I can do - but it's not weight related.

 

I still wear a size 22 - 24. I'm healthier than a lot of people my age. 10 years after I'm dead my bones will still be large. And I'm often treated like I must be stupid or that there is something wrong with me, because if I were smart I'd be thin right? I've had to work very, very hard to be accepted and respected at the various jobs I've held, because my size makes the first impression. Society as a whole is still intolerant of large people, and we are often discriminated againt.

 

I'm a beautiful woman. My husband thinks so, the men I dated when I was younger (the smallest I have ever been as an adult is a size 18 - when I was 16 y/o & I made myself sick trying to lose weight) have thought so, my beautiful friends thinks so. For those who look at me and think I'm ugly or too fat - good - I hope they stare at me long enough to get physically sick!

 

They say ignorance is bliss, then this a**h*** you described must be one of the happiest people on the planet!

 

Good Luck.

[quankanne]

he sounds like one sick puppy, but until your best friend takes matters into her hands (counselling, etc), there's not a whole lot you can do except be there for her. Unless you have no qualms hiring a hit man?

[asiatica]

heh...oh, believe me, if i had the moxie, the man would be toast.

 

two of my best friends have said that when i move out to go ahead and try to get her to leave with me. that's sounding like a damn fine option. i'm also going to research some crisis intervention type stuff as per the previous poster's advice.

 

this stinks. did i add that I"M LIVING WITH THEM???

 

re:Hokey...BF stood for Best Friend through the whole post. i should've clarified- doh!

[Ryan]

The psychological issues here are profound....and people are already talking about them. However, I did see some points of fact that need addressing.

 

 

2)all women's bodies are not the same, and collect fat in different places

 

This is somewhat misleading. There are variations in details, but there are areas for both genders where bodyfat is typically (read: vast majority of the population) most persistent. For women, this is the hip/thigh area. For men, this is the abdominal area.

 

 

3)20% is JUST enough to have a period and prevent the onset of bone decay and osteoporosis.

 

I'm assuming this 20% refers to bodyfat, which would make this statement inaccurate. Healthy bodyfat for women ranges 18-24%. Cessation of menses and associated health problems tend to occur below 15%.

 

 

I'm all for encouraging women to have healthy levels of bodyfat and muscle tissue by having a decent diet and engage in effective exercise programs. On the flip side, I will discourage and discredit efforts to promote unhealthy goals and practices....regardless of who says them or how "healthy" they are believed to be.

[moimeme]

OK, we are talking about controlling behaviour here. Which is completely unacceptable in any relationship. This person has zero rights to dictate to his girlfriend how she may eat and she should certainly not be fearful of him to the extent that she has to eat on the sly.

 

he said that doctors and nutritionists are not the people who would know about weight and body fat, and pretty much implied that he knows better than them.

This person could even have a disorder; this is clearly a case of grandiose feelings. This guy is not well and she should flee him. If a man violates his partner's boundaries in one respect; it's a good bet that he will extend his control to other aspects of her life.

 

he says that he's just trying to make her be "her best"

 

NOBODY has the right to 'make' anybody be anything. He can make suggestions and offer to support her in her goals, but that is it. I repeat; encourage her to flee. Have her speak to a local counsellor if she won't listen to you. People can start to lose perspective when they are being controlled.