weylyniw Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 I've been friends with a gal named Nikki for a little over two years now. We share many similar interests and we get along well. Lately, I have begun to avoid her contact because, quite frankly, it stresses me the hell out. It's always something dramatic and upsetting. I was always Nikki's go-to girl whenever she was experiencing problems with her rollercoaster relationship or pre-teen kids. Many'a times has she called me in the middle of the day, crying about breaking up with her man or she comes tearing down the driveway in her pajamas (usually about the same issue--"her man"). Frankly, it is my own undoing that I have let this go on for so long without setting some boundaries to protect my own mental health. I enjoyed being the go-to girl (which says something about me in my own right), but now I'm starting to feel like an unpaid and overworked therapist (her second--the other one she pays). I still want to be there for her in times of need as a friend should, but I'm now feeling that Nikki has begun to take some advantage of that. She calls less and less to just chat and have fun, and often only when she needs to unload on someone. We used to hang out and relax, now we rarely do without a venting session from her. So, how do I go setting up some *long* overdue boundaries here when I have let this pattern continue and worsen over two years time? And on a related note...Last Friday Nikki had a spat between her fiance and a friend of mine. I was there for this and Nikki sped off in her car, leaving her daughter home alone. I really wanted to avoid a "therapy session" with Nikki when she got back, but I didn't have the heart to leave her daughter (7) by herself. So I stayed till she got back and I listened yet again. Best part of the conversation? How she doesn't feel she can marry her fiance due to their religious differences (plus, I might add, he cheated on her twice in 2 yrs and they have broken up countless times in between then). Fifteen minutes later, she is crying because she doesn't think that she can have his baby due to some health issues that may (or may not) prevent her from doing so. I pointed this out to her. No response. Seriously?! I need a backbone transplant and some advice, stat. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 No. it's very simple. She is what is known as an emotional vampire. She sucks you dry and takes over your life. What you need to do is to counter her negative moaning with a positive comment. Not about her, about you. For example: "Waaah! my BF is a swahili jeroam warrior, and I'm a lapsed catholic! It will never work! blah blah blah, woe is me, I hate this.....! I hate him, he's a cheater, waaaaah!" Your reply: "Well, that's a shame but you know, *your BF's name* and I are really happy. D'you know, last week we <insert fun happening here>.... and that was so great! then, we also....." OR: "Waaaah! My mom and I don't get on, and my father is a convicted heroin addict and my sister's an alcoholic and I have a terrible family! Waaah!" Your reply: "Oh well, that's life! My mom and I get on so well and do you know, my dad is so cool....." Shift the focus away from her and drown her with your own positivity. It doesn't matter if you make stuff up. Just take her negative tales of woe and turn them back on her with one of your own positive ones. I guarantee it - absolutely completely guarantee it - she'll stop coming to you, because you refuse to takes her cr+ap and deal with it for her. The weak and emotional leeches deprive us of our Life Force. She's all you think about and all you discuss. She's taken over your life. I guarantee it, the above method will let you take it back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author weylyniw Posted August 31, 2009 Author Share Posted August 31, 2009 Thank you for that, Tara. Just the advice I needed. Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 TaraMaiden is right, you have to stop being available as a sounding board. Maybe you won`t have to end the friendship entirely, but it sounds like you`ve hit your saturation point. I went through the exact same experience a few years back. I spent two hours a day on the phone with a girlfriend going through a divorce. Nearly seven days a week for two years. After a while I realized it was affecting my life and my outlook. I even timed her once, from the moment I picked up the phone, it was 38 minutes before I even said a word........... And wouldn`t ya know it, when I was in need, she was nowhere to be found.......................... Does this friend give back to you, or is she just taking? Link to post Share on other sites
Author weylyniw Posted August 31, 2009 Author Share Posted August 31, 2009 A whole lot of taking, it seems. I had a friend die recently. It was actually her fiance who sat and talked with me for awhile, N was nowhere to be found. She mentioned it in passing and her only comment was, "Sorry." I didn't expect (or want) her to go on and on about it, only *offer* the same courtesy I give her. Freestyle, if you don't mind me asking, did things change (better/worse) between you and your friend? Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 Hi W: First off, I`m very sorry you had a friend die-I know how much that sucks. My condolences to you. And no, I don`t mind you asking about the current status of my friendship. The absolute telling moment for me was when I needed help moving. After helping her through two moves, she didn`t return calls when my moving week came. We didn`t speak for 2 years, rekindled again, but it was the same old story, it was all about her..................................... Interestingly, I had a "light bulb" moment watching an episode of Roseanne. Jackie begins going to see a therapist, and a highly offended Roseanne asks her: "Well, why do need to go see a therapist, when you have ME to talk to?" Jackie replies: "Because, Roseanne, when I tell the therapist about my problems, we don`t spend the next two hours talking about how that makes HER feel!" And the clouds parted for me at that moment. It was my "friendship" in a nutshell. If I started talking about one of my issues, she would always find a way to steer the conversation to being about her again. She showed up at my door without warning several months ago, bitching at me for not calling. I told her straight up that I was treating her the way she treated me.(she failed to return calls several times) She said,"Well, do two wrongs make a right?" I said, "No, but friendship has to be a two-way street." I let her know, kindly, that I`d hit my saturation point, and that I had enough drama of my own and couldn`t absorb any more of hers. Part of me feels a little guilty, we were best friends for many years, and we did go out have fun together, it wasn`t all pity-pot sessions. But I came to realize that I was enabling her to perpetuate the "poor me" drama. She didn`t want solutions, she wanted attention......... Since the surprise visit, I haven`t heard from her at all, so I`m presuming the friendship has run its course. Link to post Share on other sites
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