Worried about a friend?

[Meaplus3]

I'm not sure what to do here. I have this long time friend who latley seems very unhappy. She spends like 24 hours a day online. Now, I'm thinking that if she was happily married like she claims to be than she would be spending time with her H. Am I correct to think that? So..I think it's a marriage issue.. and I'd like to help, but am not sure what to suggest to her. I want to come across in the right way. I also notice that she's the type to tell everyone that she is so very happy... when she looks so sad. If she was so happy the would she really always express that.. or just simply normally act that way? I'm confused and would like to help her. Looking for some views on this?

 

Mea:)

[Lyssa]

Maybe you can send her a note saying if she needed a friend to talk to, she could count on you. I wouldn't go ahead and ask her if she had problems with her M.

 

What is up with people thinking that if women/men are online 24/7, they are unhappy?!

[Meaplus3]

Maybe you can send her a note saying if she needed a friend to talk to, she could count on you. I wouldn't go ahead and ask her if she had problems with her M.

 

What is up with people thinking that if women/men are online 24/7, they are unhappy?!

 

Thanks Lyssa.

Well, she is on IM every night for hours. And I guess I question why she's not connecting with her H at that time? One would think their R would be more important that IM. I know when I was happily married.. I was never online all evening. I guess that's what makes me think it's a problem with her H.

 

Mea:)

[Lizzie60]

Maybe you can send her a note saying if she needed a friend to talk to, she could count on you. I wouldn't go ahead and ask her if she had problems with her M.

 

What is up with people thinking that if women/men are online 24/7, they are unhappy?!

 

 

Someone simply cannot be online 24/7 and claim to be happily married.. sorry Lyssa.. it's just impossible.. how can you explain that? I can't.

 

If I were madly in love or happy with a man.. I certainly would NOT spend so much time on any forums ...I would want to be with this man or go out.. or whatever.. as much as I can... but that's just me..

 

Some people spend most of their time on this forum.. and visit other forums as well... and yet claim they are happy, in love.. blablabla...

 

Sorry I just can't buy that.. unless someone is in a LDR.. I just can't see how it can be done..

 

Mea... tell this friend that you are there for her if she needs to talk about it..

[2sunny]

word = denial

 

she may not even realize it herself. sometimes we tell ourselves that we have a lot to be grateful for, but at the same time it's possible an underlying issue could be tugging at her happiness. it's called life.

 

if we pretend - that's when it's difficult to work through the issue. if we aren't honest with ourself about the real issue - it can get shoved deeper so that we don't realize it is eating away at our souls.

 

WHEN we get honest with ourself - that is when the issue is faced and only then can we move through the pain and into a healthier place mentally.

 

hard to do when one is not willing to be honest with self... she/he may not realize what's concerning at the moment.

 

i used to think i was happy because i had a lot to be grateful for - until i got honest with myself (and i mean brutally honest) did i understand what pain i had carried for years. the hard work comes in facing the truth and working past it. true freedom!

[Meaplus3]

Someone simply cannot be online 24/7 and claim to be happily married.. sorry Lyssa.. it's just impossible.. how can you explain that? I can't.

 

 

 

That is exactly what I've been thinking. I mean my friend has no bad habit's, a good job, and kids who really cherish her. Her online addiction.. IMO is a red flag to make believe that something is wrong in her marriage. And I know what it's like to be there.. so if that's the case I only want to help.

 

 

If I were madly in love or happy with a man.. I certainly would NOT spend so much time on any forums ...I would want to be with this man or go out.. or whatever.. as much as I can... but that's just me..

 

 

I would be the same way Lizzie!

 

Mea... tell this friend that you are there for her if she needs to talk about it..

 

I will. thanks for your great advice as always. I enjoy your perspective!

 

 

word = denial

 

she may not even realize it herself. sometimes we tell ourselves that we have a lot to be grateful for, but at the same time it's possible an underlying issue could be tugging at her happiness. it's called life.

 

if we pretend - that's when it's difficult to work through the issue. if we aren't honest with ourself about the real issue - it can get shoved deeper so that we don't realize it is eating away at our souls.

 

WHEN we get honest with ourself - that is when the issue is faced and only then can we move through the pain and into a healthier place mentally.

 

hard to do when one is not willing to be honest with self... she/he may not realize what's concerning at the moment.

 

i used to think i was happy because i had a lot to be grateful for - until i got honest with myself (and i mean brutally honest) did i understand what pain i had carried for years. the hard work comes in facing the truth and working past it. true freedom!

 

 

Great post 2 sunny! And boy do I agree with you about denial. And getting honest with one's self is the best most rewarding feeling in the world. Glad to see you have accomplished this. I have to.. in the last year. Best thing I ever did. Thanks for your kindness.. and help here.

 

Mea:)

[2sunny]

right back-at-cha my sober cyber partner!

[Lizzie60]

online addiction can also means...

 

that she is head over heels in cyber love with another online member of the forum...

 

that happens a lot...

 

they can say they are happily married just to mask a real miserable marriage and an online affair... that is often the case.. IMO

[Lyssa]

Thanks Lyssa.

Well, she is on IM every night for hours. And I guess I question why she's not connecting with her H at that time? One would think their R would be more important that IM. I know when I was happily married.. I was never online all evening. I guess that's what makes me think it's a problem with her H.

 

Mea:)

 

Maybe she's on a forum asking for advice?

 

Someone simply cannot be online 24/7 and claim to be happily married.. sorry Lyssa.. it's just impossible.. how can you explain that? I can't.

 

Okay, maybe not 24/7. Maybe about 8 hours - and you forgot that women can multi-task!

 

If I were madly in love or happy with a man.. I certainly would NOT spend so much time on any forums ...I would want to be with this man or go out.. or whatever.. as much as I can... but that's just me..

 

I know what you're saying. As for me, we both have to oversee our reports online so we both spend quite a lot of our time online and when we sleep, we sleep. We do go out but not till late at night.

 

I think any couple can have some time alone and yet, do their own things. I know for a fact that I wouldn't want to be glued to my fiance even though I am in love with him, madly too !

[Lizzie60]

Maybe she's on a forum asking for advice?

 

 

 

Okay, maybe not 24/7. Maybe about 8 hours - and you forgot that women can multi-task!

 

 

 

I know what you're saying. As for me, we both have to oversee our reports online so we both spend quite a lot of our time online and when we sleep, we sleep. We do go out but not till late at night.

 

I think any couple can have some time alone and yet, do their own things. I know for a fact that I wouldn't want to be glued to my fiance even though I am in love with him, madly too !

 

I very much agree with that (bold)... but there is time alone and time alone.. when you spend MOST of your time alone or on a chatting line, forum, whatever.. the relationship is certainly NOT healthy..

 

I think extreme loneliness and unhappiness is hidden with the happy 'mask'.

[marlena]

I very much agree with that (bold)... but there is time alone and time alone.. when you spend MOST of your time alone or on a chatting line, forum, whatever.. the relationship is certainly NOT healthy..

 

 

It's not even a relationship. Just two people living under the same roof.

[marlena]

Mea,

 

I wouldn't broach the subject with her. It's too sensitive. She might interpret it as meddling and get very defensive. Let her come to you. Besides, for all you know, they may like living as strangers. Who can ever know the dynamics in any relationship?

[Meaplus3]

right back-at-cha my sober cyber partner!

 

You know it!

 

 

 

online addiction can also means...

 

that she is head over heels in cyber love with another online member of the forum...

 

that happens a lot...

 

they can say they are happily married just to mask a real miserable marriage and an online affair... that is often the case.. IMO

 

Yes. I imagine it does and that's so sad right?

 

 

Maybe she's on a forum asking for advice?

 

 

 

Could be. But she is always on IM?

 

I very much agree with that (bold)... but there is time alone and time alone.. when you spend MOST of your time alone or on a chatting line, forum, whatever.. the relationship is certainly NOT healthy..

 

I think extreme loneliness and unhappiness is hidden with the happy 'mask'.

 

Bingo to all you said above!

 

It's not even a relationship. Just two people living under the same roof.

 

Very true.

 

Mea,

 

I wouldn't broach the subject with her. It's too sensitive. She might interpret it as meddling and get very defensive. Let her come to you. Besides, for all you know, they may like living as strangers. Who can ever know the dynamics in any relationship?

 

This is what I worry about. I'm not the type that likes to meddle, nor to offend a dear friend of mine. but, in the same token.. I hate to see her sad and I know she is. The happy mask.. is jut a cover. I've known her for years.

 

Mea:)

[Lyssa]

Could be. But she is always on IM?

 

Maybe she's talking to another GF about her problem? Maybe a sibling? Yes, I know it could be an other man or even woman (hey, it happens!) but sometimes, it isn't about another person.

 

I still think the best thing is to let her know you're around if she wanted to talk about whatever. If she said that it has something to do with her M, then give her some advice, till then I wouldn't jump to conclusions, if I were you.

[Lyssa]

I think extreme loneliness and unhappiness is hidden with the happy 'mask'.

 

Perhaps but there are people out there that are genuinely happy . There is no need to 'mask' anything.

[Lizzie60]

Maybe she's talking to another GF about her problem? Maybe a sibling? Yes, I know it could be an other man or even woman (hey, it happens!) but sometimes, it isn't about another person.

 

I still think the best thing is to let her know you're around if she wanted to talk about whatever. If she said that it has something to do with her M, then give her some advice, till then I wouldn't jump to conclusions, if I were you.

 

 

Perhaps.. it's another female.. that's not the point.. she spends most of her time on the computer.. that's not a happy M...

[Lizzie60]

Perhaps but there are people out there that are genuinely happy . There is no need to 'mask' anything.

 

 

They could be happy... being a 'roomate'.. like Marlena said.. that's different than being in a happy and loving relationship like her friend constantly brags about..

[2sunny]

i'm just realizing something... may be her case too.

 

i'm always logged in... even though i only am here an hour or two each day - i just leave myself logged in. it's possible she's just logged in but not actually in front of her computer 24/7 like it appears...

[2sunny]

So someone can be happy and not know that they're really miserable? Uh..ok. That makes sense.

 

 

it's completely possible Touche' i have experienced this myself... so yes, it's possible and happens all the time - even if it's not completely understood while at the time it's happening.

 

hard to understand if you have never experienced it.

[Lizzie60]

I can see where it is possible to know if they're on 24/7 especially on here.. check the posts.. check the time..

 

If the person is on IM.. it is also possible to know.. unless they put themselves as 'invisible' or 'busy'

[Meaplus3]

Perhaps but there are people out there that are genuinely happy . There is no need to 'mask' anything.

 

Of course there are my friend. But like I said, I've known her for a long while and I can see it in her eyes that something is very much up. I was only putting 2 and 2 together here.. I guess. Plus, she and H have had problems in the past.

 

Thanks for your advice.

 

Mea:)

[Meaplus3]

Good news. My friend called me. She want's to talk. We are having coffee in the am. I have a feeling she is going to reach out, I so hope she does. I will do anything to help her.

 

Mea:)

[marlena]

I will do anything to help her.

 

 

It's better that she reaches out to you. I know you will do everything you can to help her. It's just you, Mea.

[Meaplus3]

It's better that she reaches out to you. I know you will do everything you can to help her. It's just you, Mea.

 

Thanks Marlena. I'm glad she called. I'll be sure to update everyone with how it goes.

 

Mea:)

[Meaplus3]

Just back from am hour long chat session with my best friend whom I've known for 20 years. Come to find out, I was right. She broke down into tears telling me that her Relationship with her H is in very bad shape. She feels very alone .. and there is a big disconnect between them and has been for the past few months.

 

I mentioned to her that I noticed she was on IM alot. As, my IM is always up on one of the computers in my home.. and I do IM often. Soemtimes for personal use and other times to clients I work with while I'm working on there web sites. Anways, She told me that yes.. she is very alone and in the evening her and H spend zero time together. She reaches out to friends on IM, and email for emotional support. So, I believe taking a guess at what the problem could be was not such a bad thing after all. I told here I'm her to listen and help her in anway. She was so happy to hear that. I advised her to try and see if he would be willing to try MC. Perhaps a good MC can help my friend and her H to get things back on track. I feel so much beter that she was able to reach out. Turns out she was very to tell me. and I can understand that after all I have been through.So in this case, My best friends online use was a clue of unhappiness in her marriage. Not at all saying this is true for all. but in her case it was and is. Again, Thanks to those who gave me advice on how to deal with this scenerio.

 

Mea:)