Betrayal of Confidence

[Shindig]

I told a friend a story (the kind that's funny unless it happened to you) and asked her not to repeat it. She admitted a few days later that she'd told a handful of people. She immediately began to explain her behavior but I stopped her, saying I was angry and needed time to cool off and think.

 

The next day I told her I was hurt that she'd betrayed my confidence but that it wasn't worth destroying our friendship. I told her it might take some time for me to deal with my feelings but I'd work to forgive her.

 

I can tell she feels terrible and her coping mechanism to ameliorate her guilt keeps opening the wounds and I'm having trouble healing. She's bombarded me excuses for her behavior. While there's some truth to each justification, each time she tries to shift blame onto me, she adds insult to injury.

 

Most recently she claims I've been treating her poorly since her betrayal. She tells me our friendship can't go on if I'm going to keep being nasty. I asked her to work with me since I'm not aware of snarky behavior on my part beyond sidestepping sensitive topics.

 

Avoiding divulging sentive information seems like a logical consequence of her breaking my confidence (I admit I increasingly welcome the opportunity to be passively-aggressive as my wounds grow deeper only to regret it later). I see the pain in her face when she asks me how a date went and I gloss over the details.

 

I know my patent lack of trust hurts her as well as my admission that I haven't quite forgiven her. I hate seeing her in pain and want our friendship to be like it was. I don't know how I'll be able to trust her again if she can't take responsibility for hurting me. I can lead a horse to water...

[Ariadne]

I told a friend a story

asked her not to repeat it

she'd told a handful of people

claims I've been treating her poorly since her betrayal

our friendship can't go on if I'm going to keep being nasty

 

I'd say it'd be a good thing if this friendship can't go on.

 

I'd stay away from her.

[Shindig]

There is a part of me that agrees with you. She is certainly not a person without issues (we all are... right?).

 

Another part of me sees an opportunity for growth (on both our parts). She's bright and relatively self aware. I'm not convinced that this is a persistent personality flaw.

 

Maybe I'll beat myself up over it and learn a lesson in that.

[Ariadne]

She's bright and relatively self aware. I'm not convinced that this is a persistent personality flaw.

 

Maybe I'll beat myself up over it and learn a lesson in that.

 

It is a persistent personality flaw, and the other facts are clouding your judgement.

 

But it may be best for you a for it to be a lesson learned and continue.

[Shindig]

It seems like you have experience with this sort of behavior. Understanding it would give me peace of mind (not to mention help me inform my decisions/behavior). Enlighten me, please.

[Trialbyfire]

Shindig, if in the past, she's divulged to you, bits of confidential information that other people have given her, then yes, this is repetitive behaviour.

 

If she's never divulged anything to you about anyone else, then more than likely, this is a one-off.

[Shindig]

Indeed. This isn't the behavior that I'm concerned about. I know (now) that she can't keep a secret.

 

What I'm considering, is whether or not she's self aware enough to examine her self defeating method of coping with her guilt. Ironically... now that I'm doing some group ruminating I'm realizing I'll never get the validation I need to truly mend the friendship. In her mind it will always be my fault that she betrayed my trust. It is on me to release her from her responsibility. (Think Steve Irwin crooning, "your gorgeous" to a venomous sea snake that's trying to off him.)

 

Her resentment for my holding her responsible for her behavior knocks my socks off. I always thought it was a complement to be held accountable. Only people who are too young or too crazy get away with it in court since they don't know any better... right?

 

Thanks, people!

[Ronni_W]

I hate seeing her in pain

If I may suggest: There is a teeny-tiny, itty-bitty part of you that is okay with seeing her in pain. (There must necessarily be, or you would not be continuing in ways that are keeping her in pain.) Let's say it is only a 1% part of the whole 'you'...the real difficulty is that you are giving that 1%, itty-bitty part the giant's share of your voice and "right of expression".

 

Put your compassionate and forgiving part -- the 99% part -- back in charge! It is bigger and stronger, so why let it take a backseat to that other mischievous part?

 

Another part of me sees an opportunity for growth (on both our parts). ... Maybe I'll beat myself up over it and learn a lesson in that.

Nah...for you, it's only about YOUR growth. Put another way, her growth and her opportunities for her growth are none of your business, yes?

 

As I'm seeing it, for you it's about strengthening your own capacity for compassion, understanding, acceptance and forgiveness. Can't get there if you're gonna start to get hostile with your Self. [so] I'd suggest rather to give yourself compassion, understanding, acceptance and forgiveness...instead of "beating yourself up"

 

What I'm considering, is whether or not she's self aware enough to examine her self defeating method of coping with her guilt.

Doesn't matter if she is or if she's not...wherever she is in her own growth and development cycle does not prevent you from progressing in yours.

 

I always thought it was a complement to be held accountable.

Nah...that's just what you've been telling yourself to justify beating them up when they screw up . And/or. Maybe YOU do feel complimented when others hold you accountable (by keeping you in pain???) but that doesn't mean anybody else gets their rocks off that way.

 

It's simple but not easy, of course -- forgive her because that is what YOU want to do, and forgiveness is something that YOU value and want to have more of in your life. Forgive her just because you CAN.

If you make YOUR forgiveness (of self or another) conditional on whatever, then you lose control and power of the forgiving part of 'you'. Claim it back -- it is big, strong and powerful...don't let it get bullied around by that itty-bitty 1% part!!!

[Shindig]

Indeed, anxiety is necessary for growth. Thanks for holding me accountable to my quest for self improvement.

[Siân]

Shindig, a similar situation to yours arose for me recently. And I understand fully why you see your ex(?) friends behaviour as a betrayal.

 

I now have chosen to keep quiet about certain private issues or experiences when in the company of this so called friend of mine, as this will make it impossible for her to repeat anything said to anyone else. I also found out she was not relaying what I'd said, in the way I HAD said it, and so implied something very different was actually said.

 

I am aware of her picking up on my not chatting to her as I used to, in a free and easy manner, and I keep responses to any prying questions she asks short. This is enough to let her know she over stepped the mark, and hopefully she'll think twice about doing the same in future.

 

All the best to you by the way, I hope things sort themselves out as harmoniously as is possible!

[Shindig]

We're still friendly. I'm not sure what will happen over time. I can only imagine we'll grow apart since I've stopped being as candid with her.

 

She confessed that she'd broken my confidence because she was upset about a perceived betrayal of her own confidence on my part. While I appreciate her honesty, I'm concerned that she kept it from me for several months and that her immediate response was to seek revenge. There's a part of me that can't help but wonder if she's still trying to project her guilt onto me.

[Siân]

She confessed that she'd broken my confidence because she was upset about a perceived betrayal of her own confidence on my part.

 

Oh dear. That seems somewhat calculated on her part I think personally.

 

I think this gives some insight into her as a character, choosing to 'get back' at you, rather than saying something at the time and figuring out if you'd realised what you had done. If you did indeed betray her confidence as she suggests?

 

Difficult situation to be dealing with.

[Shindig]

She set me up on a date with a guy who she dated 10 years ago when she was in highschool. I thought about issues that might arise from being intimate with a friend's former but put it out of my mind as she's been dating a guy for almost 2 years.

 

Our first date generated the story I asked her not to repeat. I told her about it blushing in humiliation. She seemed fine with it until he asked me on a second date. Suddenly she was cold and distant. I confronted her about it and told her I'd ditch the second date and that it wasn't worth it to me to lose a friend over it. She assured me that I should keep seeing him and even recommended an outfit and places to eat.

 

Over the next few weeks one thing led to another and now I've betrayed her by sleeping with her ex which "by the way is never okay". I felt a little set up to say the least.

[Siân]

The old green eyed monster certainly has a lot to answer for.

 

Was not really very fair of her to encourage you if she felt so awkward about seeing you with her Ex. That does smack at being a set up. I think the fact that she had been seeing Someone else for two years and she hadn't dated the ex for over 10 years should have meant she had no emotional ties left with the Ex. They were finished, over, and you were a free agent, as was her ex.

 

Do you think maybe she is a little envious of you in general? Or naturally a jealous person?

 

Seems a little odd she's allowed herself to be upset by a situation that really isn't a problem at all. I certainly don't think you have done anything to betray her.

[Shindig]

Siân, I agree with you about me and the Ex being free agents. My friend had the opportunity to cry foul when I asked her if it was okay for me to keep seeing her Ex. I don't think she anticipated what sorts of memories about this guy would be dredged up each time she asked me how our dates were going. I imagine she also kept mum to spare the feelings of her current boyfriend. She couldn't talk to him or me about it so maybe that's why she told everyone else.

 

I've never admired anyone longer than it took me to get to know them. Love and admiration aren't the same animal anyways. We all have our dark parts and character flaws. I find my best friendships revolve around loving my friends for their flaws and not in spite of them.