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Things have changed with my friend since I brought up an issue


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This is the same person I wrote about in my very first thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t187550/

 

Since I discussed the issue of his inappropriate flirting with me over the last few days he's been coming up with lame excuses all around, talking in circles around me, avoiding the issue. He's changed quite a bit; he would always be the one to initiate contact, but in the last several days I've had to be the one to do it. His completely illogical thinking has made me want to knock his block off. I asked him how he would feel if he had a GF who had a guy friend saying inappropriate things (about seeing her naked, sleeping with her, etc) and that friend insisted it was only a joke. He argued that he probably wouldn't date the girl because apparently, the joking manner of the guy directly correlates to the girl's sense of humor, or he'd tell those "jokes" to another girl in order to make his GF jealous, because it's "a game" and "the comments were never meant to be taken seriously". Obviously, pure and utter gibberish. I said, "I feel like you have a hell of a lot of growing up to do before you EVER engage yourself in a serious relationship. Relationships are not some game to be played."

 

He said to me, "I am who I am and I made those comments to you sound ridiculous on purpose so they wouldn't be taken seriously." My BF and I are going to a wedding and this friend of mine is going to be there too. My friend accused me of being "deceptive" for not having told my BF that my friend will be there, saying, "How would you feel if (BF's name) had a girl friend who flirted with him, who you didn't like, and he knew she would be somewhere you were planning on going and he didn't tell you? I love you (my name) and I'm sorry but when I see something I disagree with I call my friends out on it." And that's another thing--the "I love you"--he's said that several times to me as a sort of offhand rationalization of subsequent comments, like he can't rationalize them any other way. Creepy. It seems like because I called him out on his behavior, he's throwing tantrums. I wish I could help him or something because I always have considered him a friend and I don't want to just kick him out of my life. But since I brought up the issue things have changed.

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Well, unfortunately that "issue" is a big one and it will always change the dynamic of a friendship. Depending on how it is handled, it can change the dynamic for better or for worse. It sounds like you want to handle it in a way that will change the dynamic for the better, however you're having trouble getting the other party on the line.

 

This is hard, but the only way is to stop contacting him for a bit. I'm in a similar situation, but with the girl on the end that doesn't want to confront the main issue. There wasn't the flirting, inappropriate comments, etc that were made. A few months back we had started to bring up the fact that both of us were single, we obviously spent too much time together as "friends", there was an obvious attraction between us, everyone (including her parents) thought we were at least dating, she relied on me for more support than what I would consider as "just friends", and I had strong feelings for her. So I asked, "Where are we going with this?"

 

She refused to answer. Refused on the grounds that it sort of freaked her out and with the other stresses in her life she couldn't devote the proper amount of time to think about what she would say. She's made vague references to both she see's me in the same way and she's interested but she's also contradicted herself by saying that she never intended for this to happen and she's afraid of taking the next step. So she pleaded with me to give her time to "process" or else she'll give me the mean answer.

 

3 months later, still no progress and I get the same reasons for why she hasn't been able to progress. As if she's the only one in the world with stress right now. So I've given up for now. I've decided to give her 100 days of no contact. It's a test of her ability to reach out to other people. In the start it was about 50/50 on who initiated the contact or made plans. Since the discussion we had in late Jan it has moved to 100% on my part. She'll 100% respond, but I have to initiate. Which bothers me. So I've stopped. I want to see if I'm even a thought process in that brain of her's. If I go 100 days and she does not contact me then two things should have happened. 1.) I was never more than just a chump, a friend of opportunity to her and she strung me along to do so and the whole feelings talk was actually an exit strategy on her part. 2.) Because of the no contact, I should have started to move on from her. I hopefully will be actively out meeting other girls who can reciprocate the feelings I give to them. So after 100 days, I can do either 2 things. Completely forget about her or re-connect with her as FRIENDS ONLY as I should be well on my way to being over her and be able to see her as she sees me, just friends.

 

I know it's a bit different for you, since you are currently in a committed relationship. But you need to let this guy go for a bit. I think your friendship is strong enough to survive it. The girl in my case is important enough to me that I would like to keep her in my life, but at the same time if she's going to play the childish games and refuse to be open and honest then I need to ask myself if I really want someone like that in my life. I think she might be showing her true Self as the guy in your picture is showing his true Self. We need to pay attention to it.

 

His tantrums are a way to get attention from you, attention you should be giving to your boyfriend. It's sibling rivalry. To him, any attention even negative attention is still attention. Again, his sexual comments even though he plays them off as jokes still have grounds in reality. Even if I joked about seeing a female friend of mine naked, I joked in a way that hopefully she'd still get naked. It still had treads of seriousness to it.

 

I don't know what you are going to do about the wedding. You should stick to your boyfriend's side like glue and really pressure your guy friend to bring a date along. Simply because that way he can focus his attention on something other than you. If there will be alcohol served, I bet your guy friend will get trashed and make a scene. He's done it before.

 

It sucks when people don't want to be honest with you about a topic that you care deeply about. Sometimes, you just have to stop trying even though you don't want to. But this might be one of the times where the harder you try the worse it gets. I hope that things work out, but don't expect them to get solved in a few days or weeks. In my experience, they take months or even years to finally even out. First and foremost, your guy friend has to be honest with you about his emotions and feelings about you. Then, and only then can the two of you start to work things out.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

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And as an FYI, it's been 15 days into my 100 days of no contact. It hasn't been easy at all, but it's starting to get a little easier. I find myself thinking about it less and less. Whenever I get the urge to contact I either, post on LS, write an what I would say in notepad (I don't just write an email without the intention of sending it as right now it'd be too tempting to just send of if I accidentally hit send), and I also think about how frustrated I got and how calm I am now so why would I risk upsetting that balance?

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The wedding won't be until toward the end of June--the 27th--and I'm really looking forward to going. I did tell my BF that my friend will be there and apologized for not telling him beforehand, saying that I know he's not my friend's biggest fan and I thought it would be okay if I kept his attendance a secret but realized that wasn't right. He was incredibly mature about it and said, "I find him annoying, but I don't care. I'll still go with you because I know you want to go and it'll make you happy. He can flirt with you all he wants but I know that you're going home with me" (God, I love him). I do plan on sticking to my BF the entire time. There will be an open bar, so I'm a bit scared of that. I'm not a drinker but both my BF and friend are, though my BF doesn't drink to get drunk and my friend does. The one thing I'm especially worried about is the seating--my friend, the bridegroom, and I all know each other because we were in a political organization at our school. I wouldn't be surprised if my BF and I ended up at the same table as my friend because of this. That, mixed with an open bar...trouble.

 

I won't be talking to him from now until the wedding. My semester's over in a couple days, then I'm visiting my parents through to the end of this month, and then I'll be with my BF and his family for the rest of the summer, spending time with them and working part-time. I'm just so annoyed by my friend's behavior; he's acting like a child. I care about him and I don't like to have this discord between us. After I first brought it up things changed so much. HE changed so much.

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