My interference in my friend's unhealthy relationship...

[Katherine27]

A friend of mine is in a very unhealthy relationship, with a total jerk. I can't even call it a relationship since he won't commit to her. She has been seeing him for 4 years and he refuses to give her a commitment. He calls her names like Slut, whore, etc. He doesn't treat her well, and I think he just uses her for sex. He won't commit, because he wants to keep his options open. He has never told her he loved her, even though she has told him, she loves him. She refuses to see the light.

 

We went out last Saturday night and she was miserable. She had spent the day with him and it seemed obvious that they fought. They fight all the time. I work my butt off during the week, and look forward to the weekend, to go out and have fun. But because of her mood, that was impossible. And after I had a few drinks, I said some things. I went off about the situation, and told her I think she should move on. I basically told her "He's just not that into you" and told her I thought it was a totally unhealthy relationship. She had some words for me, and she has barely spoken to me all week, except for yesterday I texted her hello,and she said she didn't really have anything to say to me.

 

I told her that I couldn't understand how she could be upset with me, for being concerned, but she will put up with being called a slut by him. wtf? I can't just stand by and ignore whats going on. No, it isn't my relationship, but don't I have a responsibility as a friend, to say something?

[Taramere]

A friend of mine is in a very unhealthy relationship, with a total jerk. I can't even call it a relationship since he won't commit to her. She has been seeing him for 4 years and he refuses to give her a commitment. He calls her names like Slut, whore, etc. He doesn't treat her well, and I think he just uses her for sex...... I went off about the situation, and told her I think she should move on. I basically told her "He's just not that into you" and told her I thought it was a totally unhealthy relationship. She had some words for me, and she has barely spoken to me all week, except for yesterday...... No, it isn't my relationship, but don't I have a responsibility as a friend, to say something?

 

I think as a caring friend you have the responsibility to be honest with your friend if she asks for your advice or feedback. Before you do, though, you probably need to be clear about how you view your friend herself.

 

Do you think she's someone a man would be likely to use just for sex? Do you think she's someone a man just wouldn't be that into? Or are you surprised that any man could be with your friend and not adore her?

 

If the relationship is as negative and unhealthy as you think it is, then it's going to be chipping at your friend's self esteem and self confidence. With the best will in the world, your criticism is liable to add to that. I say this because of the way your post's worded. My sense of it is that you might be adopting an overly parental approach to your friend.

 

Out of concern, granted....but being overly protective towards people can give them a very negative message about themselves, and that message is "you are not a competent individual. I don't have faith in your decision-making abilities and I think you're a victim."

 

If you want a friend to start making good decisions in their life, you first have to give them some space to make decisions - even if you're afraid of the consequences. Conveying a sense of confidence that you think they have the ability, if they think carefully and realistically, to make decisions that will enhance their life rather than poison it.

 

Behaving too much like a protective, critical parent can encourage lack of self confidence and dependency in the person on the receiving end of it. Or it may result in your friend focusing more on rebelling against you and attempting to prove your perceptions about the relationship to be wrong, rather than reviewing the situation like a competent adult.