Platonic Friend?

[BIOBOB75]

I am in a quandary, I have recently found a long lost love on the internet from my High School days. We have been emailing back and forth and she has asked to meet me for lunch. I feel that this is "the one that got away". I am reluctant to pursue her as she is married for 20 years, and I don't want to break up her marriage. However at the same time I know that this is the One True Love of my Life! I am currently seperated from my 2nd wife, and don't see any chance of getting back together. During recent therapy I came to the realization that this old flame is the reason I can't seem to make a relationship work. I find fault with everyone I become involved with, and no one measures up to her in my mind!

Over 15 years ago I was involved in a serious car accident in which I was in a Coma for over a month. Upon awaking I immediately asked about this old flame, as I had lost my memory of my 1st wife, and child. I was convinced that I was still in High School and that she and I were still together. Imagine my emotional state when I learned the truth. After many years of therapy (and depression) I have regained most of my memories, but still have small gaps. I can't remember why she and I broke up, but I am reluctant to ask her as I don't want to scare her away. I really want to be her friend, and maybe someday more!!!

any input would be greatly appreciated.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "During recent therapy I came to the realization that this old flame is the reason I can't seem to make a relationship work."

 

Well, this may not be entirely the truth. What may be keeping you from fully appreciating new relationships is your memory of how you felt about that old flame. Emotional memory is very strong when we are suddenly separated from someone we have strong feelings about. We sort of freeze them in our memory forever.

 

However, meeting her again after all these years may be the cure to all your problems. And you're not going to break up her marriage by JUST having lunch with her. Invite her husband along. That will make it easier for you to be friends with her if you even desire that after seeing her again.

 

You will find she is entirely different from the person you were in love with. You've been away from her for twenty years and not around to see her evolve and grow as a human being so you aren't accustomed to who she is now in terms of character, let alone her appearance.

 

People change physically too. You may be shocked to see her now, after 20 years. Even the people who take the very best care of themselves look much different after that period of time. Or she may have gained 50 or 100 pounds. Her hair may be different, etc.

 

Between the changes in her personality, ideas, intellect, etc. and the changes in her physical appearance, it is highly likely you're going to find that the little high shool girl you've remained crazy about all these years doesn't really exist anymore. You've been in love with who she wasy 20years ago...and not who she is now.

 

I'd bet big money on it.

 

Don't meet her with the idea of making a play for her. After all, she is married. But do have lunch...hell, you may even want to get up and leave early. Get to know a little bit of who she is now so you can get rid of that old image of her you've been carrying around all these many years.

 

No matter how she's changed or remained the same, you have wasted a lot of years holding her in your head. I hope you are able to work with your therapist to unchain yourself from this emotional and mental entrapment so you can free yourself to enjoy one of life's greatest joys, finding and being with someone where there is mutal love and respect.

 

Remember, the mind does not know the difference between that which is real and that which is imagined. As far as your mind is concerned, you're still with this high school gal of many years ago. You've got a very patient mind. Meeting her for lunch or seeing her again under any circumstances will be the update your mind sorely needs. There is simply no way reality can compete with the conduct of a relationship in your mind, with your mind's ability to take it in any direction it desires. You really need to get back to reality.

 

Good luck. And do whatever is necessary to move on with your life. You're stuck mind has cheated you out of a lot of great love. I feel sad for that fact.

 

POSTSCRIPT: During a period of marital separation is not a good time to meet anybody for romantic purposes. If your separation is for the purpose of improving your marriage, that's where your energy needs to be. Maybe meeting this old love and resolving those feelings may be what is needed.

 

By loving some distant image all this time, you have done a grave disservice to your marriage. If you can't resolve things, get a divorce, continue your counselling, and move on to better things for yourself.