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Close male friend acting very strange and cruel!


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Old 27th July 2008, 11:38 AM   #1
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Close male friend acting very strange and cruel!

Hi all,

This situation is been going on since mid may to the present - causing me immense stress! Over the past year, I have become friends with two guys one of which I was especially close to, we talked almost everyday, spent ooodles of time with each other often the three of us but more often than not the two of us. I never could understand our friendship, it was like really close girlfriends I felt like I could tell him almost anything, we went on trips together for work and disclosed waaaaaaaaaay too much about our personal lives. He was living apart from his girlfriend for a year and I was in the process of leaving my boyfriend. Anyway there were clues that he might have feelings or something but it was hard to tell he was often moody and ****ty as well as nice. He started to tell me that he was jealous of me talking to other guys. I thought he was just being territorial like most friends but here is where the story gets strange. He goes back to see his girlfriend (who I have met a few times already) and comes back and without a direct word starts to push me away... but we share the same friend and when I am with all three he sometimes acts a little normal and then weird - he has a new cell but has not given me the number but invites me over as a group from time to time. I tried to confront him in a gentle way - but he won't even look me in the eye!

Then on my birthday he learns me and our other friends are going to hang out and then he sends me an email telling me he would love to take me out on the weekend and it ends off with him saying I love you and wish you a happy birthday ??? he then calls my friend and invites us out to a bar that night and proceeds to ask me who have i been spending time with????

Then last time we see each other he proceeds to ignore me for most of the night and being cold... what in the f*ck is going on!

Help please - i know it seems obvious but there is too much back and forth ....
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Old 27th July 2008, 1:09 PM   #2
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He doesn't want 'friends' - he wants more, but he doesn't want to lose his girlfriend. He is infuriated with himself at this point - angry about letting himself get too close, angry about not wanting to let you go - and he is taking this anger out on you in hopes that you will make things easy by breaking off the friendship yourself since he lacks the strength to do so. At the same time, he is terrified you will do just that - so he keeps throwing out just enough line to keep you at a distance without letting you go.

Your options are:

1. cut it off completely and walk away and never look back
2. stay as this quasi-OW in a tumultuous emotional affair where the negatives outweigh the positives until one or both of you gets tired of it and walks away
3. let him know in no uncertain terms you want to be with him as his girlfriend (not as OW) and ask if there is a chance for that
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Old 27th July 2008, 1:18 PM   #3
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thanks lucrezia

Hi lucrezia,

Thank you, I guess all the signs are there. It is just so confusing because I could not be so cruel to someone I care about. And I really care about him, I just don't know what to do. I think about him almost everyday - sometimes i question my feelings for him - but I know that I don't want more but I do feel a sense of emotional attachment which is a little out of place.

I am thinking of speaking to my other friend but I hate to put him in the middle - but I am certain he knows what is going on. Man I hate to really lose him as a friend - but if I don't extract myself from the situation I feel that he will continue to exact his rath on me - punishing me in his own head.

Thank you again -
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Old 27th July 2008, 1:39 PM   #4
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oooh, no.... I think the guy's messing big-time with your head....he's playing cr*p games. and I think he's enjoying the attention it gets him. Really, I would distance yourself from this man completely. Look at it from his GF's point of view.... how, (if you were she) would you be thiking about you?

He seems to be a bit of a control freak. he's yanking your chain, and you are responding big time.
Really, I think this is a whole set of problems which can only ever escalate.
seriously, can you see yourself in a cool, calm and serene loving relationship with him?
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Old 27th July 2008, 3:14 PM   #5
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geishawhelk i think you make an important point

Hey Geishawhelk,

You know I suspected that he has control issues! When I made a new guy friend in one of my classes - he decided to befriend this girl he knows that I don't really like and decided to throw it in my face every chance he got. "I spent the last two days with (let's call her susan)..." and she being the emotionally unstable person she is would go out of her way to tell me all about the plans that her and he have made together.

So crazy susan and my "friend" seem to be working hand in hand to drive me nuts. We all ended up at the same place the other night and she was doing her best to make me feel uncomfortable and he was doing his best to ignore me then pull me in when he felt I seemed like I wanted to leave.

He is a control freak - you are so right even the way he talks to our mutual friend. Wow! I mentioned that night I was going to New York and he shot me a look...i guess he suspected i was going to meet up with some guy...

I am playing into his game...like a retard... i was even about to email him today - that is until i read your post. Wow he would have loved that eh! I am taking the first flight out of here next week - they all can have each other.

Man this sucks!

Thanks geishawhelk - but to answer your question I would not consider him boyfriend material b/c he sems realy threatened by everything i do that does not involve him, if I receive a promotion, publishing my work, taking a trip...he will either not acknowledge it or try trivialize it !

kiki30 is reevaluating her own silly behaviour
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Old 27th July 2008, 3:25 PM   #6
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one more thing geishawhelk

reflecting upon his controlling behaviour - there has been one thing that always seemed strange to me. We spend consecutive days at his house hours on end - but whenever I invite him over - he always makes excuses and this is when things were actually good. When he invited me out on my birthday and went to hang out with him and some others including his g/f...i thought it would be nice to invite him when a few of us were going out a couple weeks later. So I sent him an email inviting him and his girlfriend along - instead of just declining. He refused to respond to my email - i see him two days later at work and he invites the whole group to the very same place I invited him to (a day before my plans are for).

Anybody see how f-up that is? it is like he is saying screw u - only on my terms will we go out? Why ? Why does he need this much control... i guess the appropriate question is who the f cares why - just get out of it.
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Old 27th July 2008, 3:46 PM   #7
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Quote:
.....i guess the appropriate question is who the f cares why - just get out of it.
oh my word!! If every single person whose ever been messed with by a fu**ed-up control-freak were to say this, there'd be a whole lot fewer threads - and shorter too - !!

Yay you!!

Get out of it quick!

The thing to do is continue as you're doing, doing everything you want to do, when you want to do it - keeping him well out of the picture, and don't give a fiddler's elbow if, and when, he - or anyone else for that matter - picks you up on it.....
You juist have to say...."Oh, I think that's a case of mistaken ID, I'm afraid....
You're mistaking me for someone who gives a sh*t......!!"
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Old 27th July 2008, 4:19 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Geishawhelk View Post
You just have to say...."Oh, I think that's a case of mistaken ID, I'm afraid....
You're mistaking me for someone who gives a sh*t......!!"
I've been following this post because I have a co-worker who's this way. He's immature and plays little games like this. Oh, but that is coming to an end. He once asked me if he was "Cute, sexy, or handsome?" To which responded,"Can you please add more options to the list? How about ugly? What about fugly?" And I made a joke of it. I honestly believe he wants to keep the option there because we work for a small company, but I'd rather not keep sparks going for the remainder of my time working for the company.

He mentioned that he was going to a happy hour spot then dance club afterward. Instead of inviting myself or asking for permission, I simply said, "Okay." He mentioned it 2 more times before the day was through. Finally, when we were walking to our cars, he asked if I was going. I told him I don't go to places like that alone. IOW DO YOU WANT TO GO TOGETHER YOU GROWN AZZ MAN????!!! He said he wanted to meet up.


So when I call, he says if his guy friend isn't going, he's not going. I then asked him what he asked me for. When he could hear the irritation in my voice, he said that he was still going to have dinner at the lounge, but he wouldn't go dancing if his friend didn't go. WTF? I like simplicity. Pick one or the other-friends or more. I told him to have fun.

Why do things have to be this way?
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Old 27th July 2008, 8:03 PM   #9
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thanks geish!

Time to take out the garbage.
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Old 28th July 2008, 2:20 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by LucreziaBorgia View Post
He doesn't want 'friends' - he wants more, but he doesn't want to lose his girlfriend. He is infuriated with himself at this point - angry about letting himself get too close, angry about not wanting to let you go - and he is taking this anger out on you in hopes that you will make things easy by breaking off the friendship yourself since he lacks the strength to do so. At the same time, he is terrified you will do just that - so he keeps throwing out just enough line to keep you at a distance without letting you go.

Your options are:

1. cut it off completely and walk away and never look back
2. stay as this quasi-OW in a tumultuous emotional affair where the negatives outweigh the positives until one or both of you gets tired of it and walks away
3. let him know in no uncertain terms you want to be with him as his girlfriend (not as OW) and ask if there is a chance for that

If you are smart, you'll choose option #1. Run. He's trying to make you OW and a plaything. If you have any self-respect, you won't want this SOB as a friend.

Seriously, women need to understand that men and women are wired differently about friendship. If a guy is working hard at his friendship with a woman, he's probably working hard for sex...which doesn't require any type of commitment.

The only women friends that I've ever had have ended up becoming better friends with my wife than they have with me...and I've ended up becoming chummy with their spouses.

Read "Not Just Friends." TV clouds peoples' minds and creates fantasies. This book is spot on.
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Old 28th July 2008, 10:18 AM   #11
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hmmmm

hmmmm Soda,

This is interesting. The truth of the matter is I actually really like his girlfriend - part of me swore that he was trying to make her jealous sometimes, where I was concerned. But, I tried to shake the feeling b/c I thought to myself that does not make any sense - (of course it does)

So clear now. He wanted friction - but I think it backfired b/c I believe she now wants me out of the picture. And I can understand, jeez if I just had a minute with her I would let her know that I had nooooooooooo interest in him other than friendship - and that is past tense. I think she suspects it's him - not me though- her interactions with me bespeak of discomfort a little but not "you homewrecker"!

He can use Susan as the OW - but she is a loose cannon my other male friend has already had two arguments with her b/c he agrees that she is crazy.

I have to get a hold of that book - you speak of !!! Thanks a lot
I admit he was my first really close guy friend so not a lot of experience and plus I was focusing on my relationship so much that I did not see the signs. I was reading some of the emails he sent me and I don't know what I was thinking - this guy clearly had feelings for me - conflicted as he was and as moody as he was there is a subtext. But he is pretty smart, everytime he gave me a clue that he wanted more, he made sure to be an ******* soon after... i just figured he was borderline bipolar!

*head spinning - yah a ticket to New York sounds great about now and I am not kidding!!!!
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Old 28th July 2008, 4:48 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by kiki30 View Post
hmmmm Soda,

But he is pretty smart, everytime he gave me a clue that he wanted more, he made sure to be an ******* soon after... i just figured he was borderline bipolar!
It's a great book. I highly recommend it. My wife was heavily emotionally invested in one of her male friends, and I couldn't figure out why I felt so uncomfortable about it because I had never been jealous or untrusting previously. The book shed a lot of insights.

Turns out that she's so heavily emotionally connected with her "friend" that she's willing to give up her marriage, reputation, and risk losing custody of her kids for a short, fat, old guy. So, you can see this topic weighs heavily on me!

Good luck in the Big Apple. You sound like you've got a level head on your shoulders and you're doing the right thing. Best wishes to your future.
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Old 28th July 2008, 10:13 PM   #13
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thought i was having problems

Wow Soda,

Thought i had issues, seems to be your wife might want to take a closer look at what she is losing, a true friend would not want to contribute to ruining a home - my god! I could never look past the fact that I may be causing my ex friends girlfriend grief and I raised it to him all the time, and I mean all the time.

He put's himself first and I don't think I will be the last girl, maybe i am not the first either. I bet Susan is next on his list!

The fact that you have children together and the damage this relationship that your wife whatever she refers to it as friendship... is telling of how unhealthy it is. How could a normal friendship end up putting your family on the line? How can she looks past that?

I am sorry. Really my situation pales in comparison to yours - but i an indeed relate to the pain. Wish you all the best thank you again for the book - it should help as i extract him and susan and whomever else - from my life as lonley as it feels in the interim.
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Old 29th July 2008, 1:41 PM   #14
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Wow Soda,

How could a normal friendship end up putting your family on the line? How can she looks past that?
Initially, she was in self denial. I think she actually believed it was just a friendship. Her behavior and her words told me it was more than that.

We ended up in marriage counseling and she did everything that she could to steer the conversation away from the issue of her "friend," which told me that she was afraid of having to discuss the issue with the counselor.

I don't know at what point she came to the realization that she was having an affair, but she must have decided that she could get away with it without being caught. What she didn't understand that she had a colleague who was able to piece together the truth. This person didn't confront her...but did tell me the painful truth.

I've hired an attorney and I'm going forward is ending this miserable lie. I have some evidence, but she (attorney) is working on getting the rest at present. She used to be a professional photographer...who knew?

I'm sorry that you're feeling lonely. I can empathize...but understand that it is temporary. Sometimes, it's better to start over than to be stuck in a bad situation.
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Old 29th July 2008, 7:26 PM   #15
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I can relate to the denial, but at some point I realized that I had to many weird feelings about things he had done or said. My own words and behaviour has tipped me off that I was too emotionally attached to him. I think he saw how vulnerable I was and took full advantage - but realized that I was not willing to go past a certain point.

I don't understand how she could justify not wanting to speak about shorty in the sessions - wow that is unbelievable. I can understand denial but this is ridiculous - dillusion really!! Thank god for people like her co-worker who confirmed what you suspected. I would do the same.

Hang in there this has to be really tough but she has forced your hand. She will at some point look back and regret this - big time. This emotional attachment may indeed just be a fantasy - transference.

I on the other hand, I think was being used. I truly cared about him as A FRIEND - a close friend. Still care. Well, you have helped a lot. Some really sage advice. Maybe now I can focus on my work... or at least start.

- oh yah an attorney who is a photographer interesting.
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