"Friends" who doesnt come through

[wohs11]

How do i deal with "friends" who fail to support when most needed?

 

Yesterday i met a "friend" of mine, who i have known for a long time, but havent talked to in a while when ive been in another country.

 

So i needed to share some things to share about my childhood and my parents that have troubled me for a long time. I hoped to get some support and advice for what to do. Instead my "friends" reaction was very negative, condescending and he almost called me crazy and asked if i heard voices (I dont:confused:).

 

Now i felt very bad about this because i put trust in someone who when it really mattered for me couldnt be sympathetic and made me feellike a freak,and it was very difficult for me to tell anyone.

 

Most probably wouldnt be able to tell about this, cause i seem very confindent and strong most of the time, so it makes me think that some of these friends are not friends with me for real, but only for as long as they could leech of my good side, but as soon as i really needed something in return they bail.

 

What do i do in such situations, i feel like an idiot for telling them these personal things, and what if they betray my confidence?

 

Honestly i feel like kicking these peoples ass, to make sure they dont betray me anymore.

 

Shoud i give them a chance or not,seriously how can i know they wont tell other people? Is it ever ok to threaten these people (Like telling them i will NEVER accept this)? Is it best to cut contact and not care? How would i react if they misused what i told them?

[vintagecat]

Just a thought, but perhaps since you haven't talked to this friend in a long time, whatever the reason, it might not be a good idea to dump some heavy personal issues on them at the first meeting. I personally would feel used and bombarded by something like this out of the blue after not seeing someone for quite a while.

 

Perhaps if you have a number of things that you need to work through, a counselor would be a better bet. Most friends don't have the expertise or the patience to work through their friends emotional or other issues. It becomes a burden when it's expected and destroys friendships as you are experiencing now. I think you asked too much of that friend although he shouldn't have been unkind to you.

[Taramere]

What do i do in such situations, i feel like an idiot for telling them these personal things, and what if they betray my confidence?

 

You avoid telling them anything that's very personal or confidential in the future.

 

Honestly i feel like kicking these peoples ass, to make sure they dont betray me anymore.

 

Shoud i give them a chance or not,seriously how can i know they wont tell other people? Is it ever ok to threaten these people (Like telling them i will NEVER accept this)? Is it best to cut contact and not care? How would i react if they misused what i told them?

 

Would that serve any useful purpose?

 

This might sound a little negative, but I think a good rule in life is not to need other people very much. Appreciate them if they do come through for you when you're at a vulnerable point - but never ever expect it of them, because that's just setting yourself up for disappointment. It doesn't mean you can't ever take the risk of being vulnerable in front of other people, but never forget that it is a risk. That way you'll be that bit more prepared to regain your poise and cope if people do respond insensitively.

 

1. Deep breath. Clear your mind and focus on rebalancing.

 

2. Make a mental note not to initiate further contact - even if ultimately that means letting the friendship go (ie because your friend doesn't contact you) but otherwise resist the temptation to hold a grudge.

 

3. Go to the gym or go for a long walk/run to exercise the residual annoyance or sadness out of my system. A couple of hours of strenuous exercise doesn't cure all that ails you, but it'll tire you out so much that you won't lie awake at night dwelling over it.

 

People often enjoy the trip of being "the one he/she opened up to" but it's less common for them to have the patience to listen after the initial "opening up". So a bit of self reliance goes a long way in these matters. That said, there are times when you really need to - and must - talk about things with another person. Bearing in mind the recent experience with your friend, I would second the suggestion that you fix up a session with a counsellor to talk some of this through and consider different coping mechanisms you could start using.