Friend who isnt' anymore

[lexi29]

I had a best friend that I'd known since we were in first grade. We were very close since we were very young. We did everything together. Even after high school we ended up going to the same college and were roommates. During college we drifted apart a little (even though we were roommates) She got married five years ago and I was her maid of honor. Her husband was in the military (joined after they got married) so they moved around a lot. We still kept in touch by phone. Would talk maybe once a month to catch up. When she was in town (her in laws live here) we would see eachother. (her family used to live in the area but moved a year after she got married)

 

anyhow little by little she just kind of dropped me. I sent her a christmas card three years ago and she told me she would be in town and we made plans to get together. But when she was in town she never called me or returned my calls. I should point out that she'd been married for two years and I'm not married. But then a few months later she called me and we talked and caught up and everything was ok. Then last year she found out she was pregnant (had been trying for years) and I was so excited for her!! I'd only talked to her maybe twice in a year but I called her and sent her a congrats card and everything. I got an invite to her baby shower from her mother in law but I didnt go (I know I should have) because she really hurt my feelings. I know this is probably stupid but she and I were friends since we were 7 years old. Best friends. And up until she moved away with her husband we talked almost every day. When I got the invite to the baby shower I was excited because I didn't know she was coming "home" to have a shower too. (She lived 9 hours away)

 

I emailed her (didn't have her current phone number at this time) to ask if there was anything specific she needed for the baby. I included my cell number and home phone number in the email (in case she'd misplaced them as we hadn't talked in almost a year) Well I found out she contacted my current close girlfriend (who she knew but barely and only thru me) and personally invited HER to the baby shower. now my current best female friend has a child but she and Sam NEVER really talked before and my currrent close female friend was never invited to Sam's weddign (or vice versa) and honestly when Sam called her my friend didn't even remember who she was!!! I was hurt because Sam NEVER called me. but yet she tells my friend how excited she is to see HER?? (when they were never really even friends) I was very hurt and neither me or my friend that Sam called went to the baby shower. I never told Sam the real reason I didn't go. I told her I was sorry I wasn't able to make it because I had to work (I volunteered to work so I could use that excuse)

 

The last I heard from Sam was when her daughter was born. She sent out a mass email and that was last March. Last time I ever heard from her. Now over the last 2 years I'd tried to keep in contact thru email (told her when my grandmother passed away, told her when I got into grad school etc) Never heard anything from her. Well now I found out from my mom that Sam's grandfather died in an accident this week. (they live 9 hours away from where I do). My mom thinks I should call Sam and give her my condolences. I honestly feel sorry for Sam because I know how painful the situation must be. However we are NOT friends anymore. She basically acts like I don't exist. I want to just send her a quick email saying I'm sorry to her about her grandfather. My mom thinks it is only polite to call her.

 

What would you do?

[eknchick]

Call her.

 

As much as things that were said and done can still harbour that entitial sting they first inflicted, we all have to come to the point where we push past what has happened and look to what could happen.

 

Making that phone call is an opportunity to push past all this drama (forgive me for calling it that, but it sounds like it's the best term for all then events you mentioned).

 

Whether it rekindles your friendship or not, you're extending an olive branch and saying "although our friendship fell apart I'm still thinking of you during this difficult time". An email doesn't have the same effect either.

 

If you are still not convinced then ask yourself why would you rather just send her an email rather than call her? Perhaps it's the same avoidence tactic you used by keeping quiet about feeling neglected in your friendship that still leaves this bitter aftertaste?

You feel she neglected you, so in return you neglect her even though you say you genuinly feel sorry for her?

 

 

Do what you will.

Atleast send the email. Make the call if YOU want to.

[lindya]

I've had a similar situation with my oldest friend. Ridiculously, I hear more from her husband than I do from her...but that's purely because she's a) busy, and b) lousy at keeping in touch. On the occasions we do get to meet up or chat, we connect straight away. You can get cut up by these things and end friendships, or you can simply reassess the friendship insofar as that person stops being a close confidante you talk to regularly, and becomes more like a distantly located relative who you care about but don't talk with as often as you should.

 

It is tricky when someone doesn't bother responding to your emails though. Especially if you've let them know about something that's important to you (eg a bereavement or major lifestyle change). You're left thinking "well, is this just laziness on their part, have I offended them in some way or do they just not give a crap?" I don't think there's any hard and fast rule as to when you give up on someone. I go with my instincts. Sometimes people will get in touch with you at some point long after you've given up on them, and you might be agreeable to renewing the friendship - but I don't think it's ever the same if it's someone you were once very close to. You might still find them fun and likeable, but the trust goes.

Edited January 13, 2008 by lindya
typo