Friend has hideously deformed boyfriend

[hartley]

So, my friend has a ****ty boyfriend - he's not deformed in the physical sense, but rather morally and emotionally. Basically he is a massive tool and I don't know what to do about it!

 

My friend is very shy and unassuming (even though she is very good-looking) and intelligent. However, the last two boyfriends she has had have been terrible and overbearing.

 

I don't mind overbearing people when they talk about something interesting - except this dude came into MY house and in the first 30 seconds mentioned golden showers, a new porn shop that opened in town, "drinking people's cream", etc., etc. This is to someone he doesn't even know!

I had to leave the room because I was so embarrassed by his weirdness. AND he always forces himself on me physically by grabbing me into aggressive hugs and unwanted "chummy" bonding.

 

My friend is soooo desperate to be with someone and I think she is blinded by his self-congratulatory nature. The sad part is, she isn't allowed to socialise with her old friends anymore and it's pissing us all off.

 

What can I do? If I talk to her about it, she'll probably retreat and avoid contact with all of our friends or she'll flip out and try and defend him, making it awkward. I never want him near my house or near me again, so I have to say something because she won't NOT bring him along!

 

Ahhhh!

 

Angry and verbally molested by a freakin' stranger.

[lindya]

I'd be honest and upfront with her, and say "You know you're welcome round here any time, but don't bring cream-drinking, golden-showering wonder boy with you again."

 

If she starts protesting and defend him, I'd just say "so you like him. That's up to you. I don't, and I won't have him in my home."

 

What more can you do?

[disgracian]

I suppose it depends greatly on how you talk to her about this. You can do your best to point out what a twat he is, but how she chooses to live her life is ultimately up to her. Even if she does decide to sway to his ultimatims then it's still not over. That kind of overbearing manipulation usually runs aground on its own course because, ironically, she is forced to spend more time being exposed to his personality (the reality of which will be harder to deny over time).

 

I've been through a situation where a friend of mine was isolated from her social circle (and, more importantly, support group) by a pathalogical manipulator. I had my final say on the matter, and predictably I (along with everyone else) was shunned for months.

 

The pressure she was under to conform to this idiot's will was unsustainable, though, and she eventually fell victim to his two-facedness and he moved on. In the end it all worked out fairly well, though not all the damage was repaired. Hopefully your scenario won't go that far though.

 

Cheers,

D.

[YellowLioness]

Here is what I would do in your place:

 

First off, you shouldn't have to put up with that crap in your own home. If it makes you uncomfortable, then you have every right to say so. If your friend is too weak to stand up for you, then you must do it for yourself.

 

Secondly, she'll really need you when this falls through so try not to alienate her too much. In your place, I would only hang out with her in situations where he is not directly involved. If she tries to confront you about it, be honest and tell her how you feel.

 

If she tries to "sneak" him over (ie. come over and not tell you that he's with her) stop that at the door. Remember, you don't have to let anyone in your house that you don't feel comfortable with.

 

If you don't want a confrontation, and the above happens, just grab your purse and say that your mom, dad, uncle, aunt, cousin, brother, sister, boyfriend, etc (just pick one, LOL) just called you and needs your assistance because they: have a flat tire and need a ride, need you to pick up your baby cousin from the day care due to traffick, need you to let their dog out due to traffick etc. That way, you can tell your friend that you need a rain check, and will be glad to hang out with her later.

 

Or, you can usher them off your porch and suggest that you want to go out to dinner or to a movie or to a bar. That would at least get you in a public place. Personally, I'd be upset that he even knew my address!!!!

 

Good luck!

[Ernst Quale]

It is obvious from your poast that you place a great deal of importance on physical appearance, as do all people, especially women. Your friend is simply behaving in the same way for which she was genetically programmed: to seek out the 1)aggressive partner for protection; and 2)the good-looking partner for his genes to pass on to possible offspring. I know this sounds very Darwinistic, but when you remove the fluffy elements of courtship and "love," this is what it ultimately comes down to.

 

This guy is crude and jerky, but that's WHY she's attracted to him: for his confidence and for his good looks. She is simply looking for the ideal mate, and if she can tolerate the bathroom humor, it sounds like she's got a good man on her side.