solostnow Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 I screwed up. I have been working at this company for about 5 yrs now. In that time I have developed a close relationship with a director here. It's really weird and complicated. 4 years ago we were travelling together at a conference out of town. One night we both got extremely drunk and we slept together. It was a strange night. We were out, we were having a good time, and then all of a sudden this happened. I didn't want it to, I protested but it happened anyway. I blame myself, I should never have gotten that drunk, I let myself get into this situation with him. Immediately afterward we agreed that would never happen again and we would move past it. Since that point, we have become friends. We talk about work and our relationships. About 2 years ago I got married to someone that I love very much. This guy and I have continued to be friends, and occasionally hung out together with my husband and without him. In the last year, this guy has gotten very intense with me. He claims that he is in love with me, wants me to leave my husband to be with him. He wants me to spend all of my time with him, and he gets upset if I have other plans when he wants to do something. This has become increasingly distressing to me. I told him that I was not interested in that and he basically freaked out on me. Then I found out my husband and I are expecting a baby. I told him the news and he basically told me he wanted to kill himself now. I have no clue what to do in this situation. I don't want to quit my job but this guy is nuts. He just doesn't take no for an answer. Its such a complicated situation. On the one hand, when this guy is normal, we have a great relationship. However, whenever he freaks out like this I have no clue how to handle it. How can I make this better? I have already told him there is no chance for an "us" situation. Besides what happened between us was 4 years ago, before I was married. Why can't he just let it go? Link to post Share on other sites
morrigan Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 This guy isn't normal. What you described sounds very disturbing, besides his current behavior: We were out, we were having a good time, and then all of a sudden this happened. I didn't want it to, I protested but it happened anyway. I blame myself, I should never have gotten that drunk, I let myself get into this situation with him. He's harassing you at work and making suicide threats. Make it clear (if you already have not) that you won't have personal conversations with him. Don't talk to him at all on your own time. You need to report him to his supervisors. Start documenting any statements or threats he makes towards you. Have any of your co-workers witnessed what he's been doing? Hopefully your company will deal with this. The best thing you can do is to not have contact with him at all. If he is only reprimanded, you should transfer to another department or start looking for another job--this guy has some serious issues and you have a valid right to be concerned. Link to post Share on other sites
SuperMonk Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 Your assertion is right, he is possessive and he is not in love with you as you may think. Creepy single men tend to think they can "steal" girlfriends or wives, or perhaps he is seriously one of those possessive freaks in any case he isn't a man but a little boy begging for some nipple suckling. On another side note, this guys sounds like big trouble and drama, get support and even talk to your husband about it. But it doesn't seem you're not completely honest with your husband. So you must question your own personal issues with your husband and tell this guy to knock it off cause you keep giving him buy signals. Man, who'd want to date a woman like yourself, I know I wouldn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostnow Posted January 31, 2006 Author Share Posted January 31, 2006 Um, yeah - where did you get from my message that I am not honest with my husband? He knows this man too, has met him, talked to him many times. I talk to my husband about what is going on with him and he just think this guy is going thru some kind of midlife crisis. He knows everything that happened between us. My concern is not with my husband or my relationship with him. My concern is not even my relationship with this guy. What I am really concerned about is my job and how this guys melt down is affecting it. I have been honest with him. I have told him I am not interested. I have tried to be friends with him. My husband and I both have tried to be friends with him. He just has this fixation on me. I honestly don't think its about me, or him wanting me. I think that there is something else going on with him and he is just projecting it onto me. Seriously supermonk - you know nothing about me, but you are quick to say: "Man, who'd want to date a woman like yourself, I know I wouldn't." Uh, that's fine, cuz I'm married and I don't date anymore. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 My husband and I both have tried to be friends with him. He just has this fixation on me. I'd stop trying to be his friend because he sounds unbalanced and is obviously reading too much into it. I think your husband should stop too because that probably just encourages him. Just keep everything on a very businesslike basis, nothing more. The other approach is to change jobs. Depending upon just how delusional this man is, things could get real ugly. Link to post Share on other sites
katie79 Posted February 23, 2006 Share Posted February 23, 2006 omg. this guy is NUTS!!!!!!!!! And NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT whatsoever. The even occurred before your hubby came along, and he's still not over it. First of all, don't feel like this is your fault. You did nothing wrong here. Your husband knows about everything, so you should also tell him his behavior is begining to get out of hand here. What I would do if I were you is: 1. Address the situation to your psycho-boss, very nicely. Tell him in a VERY delicate manner you are flattered he wishes to be with you and you think he's a great guy, but you are happily married and about to start family with your husband. Then tell him of his behavior and how you are not really aprpeciating his threats. But be careful when you say this (don't give him reason to believe your turning against him or he may try to get you back by firing you or coming after you some other way). 2. If your talk doesn't work, and he continues, then go to HR or whoever can talk to him. Do not tell this crazy man you plan on this though. 3. Tell your hubby ASAP about his behavior. It's not pleasant when you get harrassed at work somehow & have to tell your S/O about it (I had to..see my post!) But you must do it. Let your husband be aware of the situation, as this guy may have some real emotional problems you can't control. Be cautious of him. When a guy threatens suicide, harm, or anything of that nature, it's never a good sign! Especially being pregnant, you don't want stress or a nut harrassing you now. Good luck and I hope this nut backs off. Link to post Share on other sites
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