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I found out and old colleagues husband died in 2012 - how to send condolences

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Old 12th February 2018, 11:25 PM   #1
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I found out and old colleagues husband died in 2012 - how to send condolences

I used to work with a women named Michelle and at the time, we were blossoming friends. I end up moving and we lost contact. I spoke to her a few months back but because I was struggling with what I now realize was the ending of a relationship, I selfishly didn't realize what had happened to her. She just ended the conversation on fb and didn't accept my friends request.

I was on fb trying to distract myself from my issues and began snooping or stalking everyone's facebook I knew. Some I didn't know. I noticed all her pictures were of just her and her kids. Something seemed off so I googled her and found her husband's obituary from 2012.

The thing is, she is such a nice person and when I knew her, her house burned down. They had just got married and even struggled with his work permit. It just seems she has gone through so much.

My question is, should I send flowers to her work and send my condolences, or is it too late for that. 5 years past since his death.
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Old 13th February 2018, 1:05 AM   #2
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To be honest, it sounds like a bad idea.

Look at it from her perspective. She didn't see you as close enough friends to tell you or even accept your friends request, how well do you think she will react when she receives flowers at work, bringing up a really painful loss from six years ago?

If she didn't volunteer the information then I don't think you should let her know that you basically cyber stalked her to find out what was going on.

You sound very caring and I'm sure you heart is in the right place, but it sounds like a really inappropriate thing to do to an ex colleague.

I really hope you reconsider.

Last edited by Scarlett.O'hara; 13th February 2018 at 1:07 AM..
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Old 13th February 2018, 2:31 AM   #3
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Absolutely do not send flowers to her work. That would be really inappropriate, and if I were her, I would be confused, surprised, and maybe even embarrassed if I had to explain to coworkers where these flowers came from. Honestly, I would be kind of pissed because it would seem like this was more of a show put on for others or for the sender's own personal sense of satisfaction, not for my own benefit.

Do you want to reestablish a friendship with her? If not, or if you think you can't be a good friend, then leave it alone. If you want to be friends, reach out to her in private and tell her you just found out that her husband died. Come at it humbly and apologetically for not having kept up over the years. Ask her about her life this time, since you probably neglected to do that last time you spoke, otherwise she probably would have mentioned that she's now a widow.

Really, though, be prepared for her not wanting to be friends with you. Her not accepting your friend request makes it kind of clear. Don't take it personally. It sounds like you were mostly just work friends for a short period of time, and that was it.
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Old 17th February 2018, 2:53 AM   #4
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Your heart is in the right place but due to her ignoring your friend request, ending the conversation and through in the fact you two lost contact for a long time, it would be inappropriate to send flowers. Especially after so many years gone by since her husband passed away.

What you can do is, make a donation in his name. If a foundation is set up, she will get notification that you donated and then you leave it up to her to contact you.
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