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She dislikes me and I don't know why

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Old 19th June 2017, 11:36 AM   #1
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 23
She dislikes me and I don't know why

I used to be very good friends (or at least colleagues) with a girl in the office.

It doesn't do me any good to admit that there was a lot of gossip going on between us. I used to have some professional issues with another colleague and she always had something against most of the woman in the office (which I always found weird).

Then 2 new girls got hired in our team. I found both of them to be good people that I liked spending time, drinking a coffee or eating with. For about 2 months, this colleague was always telling me bad things about them, when there were just me and her. She was even using some really bad offences sometimes. I never approved her, but never disapproved her either (because I didn't want to upset her).

The fact is I introduced these 2 girls in our group of close colleagues, we started including them when we went out etc At the same time I noticed that this colleague started moving away from me day by day. She always refused to go out with us. We started a new group conversation on fb and she muted it immediately and continued, for some time, writing in the old one (without the new colleagues). She never asked me about coffee anymore etc These are small facts maybe (there are many more than I wrote here), but at least that's what I noticed and maybe it's me who made a wrong correlation with the 2 new colleagues getting hired (she even told me once that I talk too much to them) but I really got the feeling she was upset with me.

In the mean time, something I find very weird, she became friends with one of the 2 girls. But I still felt like she avoided me.
After some months of this avoiding behavior from her, I asked her (in write) if she's upset with me and if yes, why. I tried to be as gentle as possible (I'm sure I told her nicer than here). She said something like 'I have so many things to do both here and at home that I don't have time to be upset with you'. I told her that I'm glad she thinks this way, but that I feel from her behavior that it's not the truth and I hoped she would like to talk about it. She didn't reply.
Day by day I found her behavior worse (she stopped including me in the lunch talks, I understand she started another fb conversation where I'm not included etc).

I don't know what I did wrong. I tried writing her again that I want to talk to her because I feel like she's avoiding me (and to my shame I gave some examples, because I was pretty upset). She told me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I tried giving some details and twice she copy pasted me what she wrote in the first reply.

Now she's not even talking to me face to face. Today I wrote her that we really need to have a talk and she didn't even reply.

Maybe I did something wrong. Maybe I'm misintepreting. Maybe there is something wrong with me (I have some issues at home). That's why I feel like we need to talk but lately she's not even replying if I write her.

What should I do? I thought about going to my manager, maybe she'll not even take my side, but at least I want to know what's going on because it's really hard to work in this atmosphere.

Sorry for the big post.
JustSomeGuy001 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th June 2017, 2:42 PM   #2
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There is nothing in what you wrote that seems to be really work related. She can hate you, ignore you, not care a thing about you, but as long as she does what she needs as far as communication to allow you and her to get her work done, then it's really you'll problem you'll have to get over.

If she is ignoring you on work related things, that's on her, but it doesn't really sound like it from what you wrote. She said there was no problem, you suspect there is, so you keep poking the bees nest and she keeps telling you to buzz off. So, buzz off. Leave her alone and only communicate what you need for the job and learn to leave it at that.
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Old 19th June 2017, 3:26 PM   #3
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I believe with all things you must give it time.

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Old 20th June 2017, 10:48 AM   #4
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Sorry if I wasn't very specific in my first message.
First of all I know it's not work related (I never said it was) but I feel it affects my work. And believe me, I would love to simply leave her alone.

The problem is we have this group of close colleagues. We always go together to have lunch, go into the coffee break together, even go out from time to time. I won't simply leave this group just because she has something against me. But because of this situation we see each other more than we want or need at the moment. And it's weird, talking to everyone else but not each other.

Yesterday I asked her again if she wants to talk not because I wanted to poke the bees nest one more time, but because another colleague told me, privately, that it's clear something's wrong between us and it's affecting the atmosphere of the whole group, so we need to do something to solve the problem. She said that I should try again to talk to her. I did. Never got a reply.

I know time solves everything.. but at the moment it doesn't look good.
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Old 23rd June 2017, 3:49 AM   #5
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Tough situation.

Sounds to me like you have some emotional investment in "this person," whether you want to admit it or not... and that's okay.

Believe me it's much harder (takes more effort) to ignore someone you used to be on friendly terms with than simply being cordial.

When looking for clues remember it's not necessarily how they treat you per se but rather how they treat you differently than everyone else; if that makes any sense?

She sounds like the shy jealous type? You know the kind of person who employs character assassination tactics on her perceived competition (in her case other females within the vicinity). That's an offensive move on her part perhaps in an effort to make you like them less and cast herself in a more favorable light?

Her tactics didn't work on those two other girls as made apparent when YOU brought them into your social circle. She's jealous and pissed at YOU and now is punishing YOU by ignoring YOU. Her beef really isn't with the other girls and can befriend them at her will.

You see: Ignoring is a punishment tactic but in her defense that might be the only way she knows how to cope. She hurts and hopes you hurt too.

But don't be so hard on the girl. She is human. We can't always help how we feel. How we deal with our feelings can largely be shaped on our upbringing and level of self esteem. Some people hold grudges for a short while and others for life.
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Old 23rd June 2017, 11:00 AM   #6
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Thanks for your reply, loverboy69

I think your words describe her pretty well.. I always thought she was very jealous, but as long as I was on good terms with her I wasn't very bothered.

I don't want to focus on examples because I think it wouldn't be fair (considering she - hopefully - doesn't read this), but in the past she told me things like 'i had a nightmare last night, a new girl got hired in the office and you started drinking coffee with her, not me' or 'i hope M (M being the only other girl in the team until the 2 new girls) will leave the office so I can be the only girl here'. There used to be another girl in our social circle, but she left the company and this colleague actually told me face to face (but with a really weird voice) that now that she left, if I continue inviting her out with us, she herself can't promise will come anymore (this was about 3 years ago).

I told the same story to one of my friends and he told me that maybe she liked me. I don't know. She has a boyfriend.

I don't think you can keep together a group of friends with 2 people not talking to each other. So now maybe I'm paranoid, but I'm just afraid she will talk bad things about me to the others the same way she told me about so many people.
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Old 5th July 2017, 7:33 PM   #7
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I think it's possible she liked you before and is pissed that you gave other women attention and incorporated them into your circle. So now that she's got a man or is decidedly angry with you, she's being rude and immature.

However, I think any more attempts to talk to her about this are only likely to fuel the fire and she may consider it harassment. I honestly would just be you, be cordial in a professional sense, don't go out of your way to treat her any differently in the office, just ignore her ignoring you when you're with your colleagues. Try not to pay her antics much attention and definitely don't go messaging her any more inquiring what you did or why she's mad.
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