Married coworker won't let it go

[gurke]

Sorry for the gigantic post. First off, I'm female and straight. Recently, I started a new job and a guy started at the same time as me at the same level. He's from another culture and he's married with a kid. His English isn't that great. Anyway, he's developed an insidious infatuation for me and now he won't leave me alone even though I've made it abundantly clear (from my perspective) that I'm not interested. When I first started the job I would chat casually with him and the others. Then he began having intense (one-sided) conversations with me. I brushed it off until one day I was feeling a little grouchy and so I kept to myself. Well, he took it personally and asked why I'd become cold towards him and if it was because he is married. I was totally taken aback (had NO idea he was attracted to me then, hindsight is 20/20) and ignored the part about his wife and said I was just tired and that it wasn't him. Well, he obviously didn't get the hint (I thought language/cultural barrier at first), because next thing he started asking me all these personal questions and hanging around me and following me, etc. He kept insinuating his attraction, and the more forceful he was about it, the less responsive I became. I began ignoring him, like not even looking at him. Still didn't get the hint. He asked to talk to me after work about something unrelated. Told him I didn't want to.

 

Immediately after that I went to the supervisor to ask about transferring me to a different team within the same workplace. Supervisor said he would look into it. Well, the guy found out and asked me if I'd be more comfortable if he worked in a different group (DUH! it's not like he has a say in the matter). I said yes, I would like him to work in a different group because it would make me feel better. He said if it makes me uncomfortable he will not insist on me staying with the same team (WTF?) Well, I thought that was the end of it. It wasn't. He spent the rest of the week continuing to hang around me, offering me his chair, trying to give me things he knows I like, etc. He just doesn't really try to talk to me anymore. But then it came to a head when he asked if we can meet on weekends. I replied with an unequivocal, irritated NO that "we" cannot meet outside of work. That was the last I heard from him before leaving for the weekend.

 

As if that all wasn't enough, he has said pretty creepy things that make me think he's not quite right in the head. He remarked that we should do a physically difficult job together because he "is stronger and has more experience", he mentioned the sexual harassment contract that we had to sign and said how stupid it is that they make you sign pieces of paper when you can just talk to the person and tell them to stop (hypocrite, much?), he's mentioned his wife repeatedly to me and said he told her about me because (and I quote) "I don't keep any secrets from my wife".

 

So my question is, what the hell am I supposed to do if he continues to bother me when I get back to work? Yell at him? Warn him that I'll report it as harassment (and then do so if it continues)? Can I really make it clearer that I'm not interested, or is he just incredibly thick or incredibly creepy? Just FYI, I refuse to lie and tell him I have a boyfriend or that I'm only into women. I've heard that given as advice before, and I think it's a stupid idea to lie like that because it only digs a bigger hole.

[Marc878]

I would keep my distance and only contact for business only. If it contact your supervisor and inform him you'll go to HR next. Don't try and handle this yourself.

 

You shouldn't have to put up with this in today's workplace.

[preraph]

I think it's time to report him. I will say your first "hint" wasn't really a "no" at all, when he asked if it was because he was married. The perfect opportunity for you to say "Even if you weren't married, the answer would still be no." With these guys, you have to tell them "No, not now, no interest, and there never will be. Stop asking."

 

He's trying to manipulate you now. He apparently views you as unable to see his masculine superiority (wanting to show you how he is physically) and he's deluded and, yes, probably mentally off and possibly dangerous.

 

You need to write down all this stuff with dates if you can (if not, start the dated long today) and take it to wherever your employee manual says to take it. Whether it's your boss or HR. They will give him a general warning about his conduct probably not mentioning your name, and then you'll have to report any further contact like that. He sounds creepy and without boundaries. Not sure what culture, but most cultures have some nice guys with boundaries and those who go beyond. Maybe where he's from women don't get to say no. But that's too bad. Because here you can lose your job over harassment.

[OatsAndHall]

I think it's time to report him. I will say your first "hint" wasn't really a "no" at all, when he asked if it was because he was married. The perfect opportunity for you to say "Even if you weren't married, the answer would still be no." With these guys, you have to tell them "No, not now, no interest, and there never will be. Stop asking."

 

He's trying to manipulate you now. He apparently views you as unable to see his masculine superiority (wanting to show you how he is physically) and he's deluded and, yes, probably mentally off and possibly dangerous.

 

You need to write down all this stuff with dates if you can (if not, start the dated long today) and take it to wherever your employee manual says to take it. Whether it's your boss or HR. They will give him a general warning about his conduct probably not mentioning your name, and then you'll have to report any further contact like that. He sounds creepy and without boundaries. Not sure what culture, but most cultures have some nice guys with boundaries and those who go beyond. Maybe where he's from women don't get to say no. But that's too bad. Because here you can lose your job over harassment.

 

This is good advice. Try to be as detailed as possible with your report, especially with respect to the way he responded to you turning him down after work.

 

And, honestly, a guy like this probably has probably had a few reports filed against him already.