goldengirl11 Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 (edited) I would be very grateful for any advice re an older male work colleague, who appears to be quite persistent, despite my recent unavailability. I have only been out with him once out of work a few weeks ago, when met for drinks/had meal and not been to lunch at work for a fortnight now. He has since been to my team leader asking personal questions about me e.g if there's anyone else and asked us both if he's upset me, when I said he hadn't. How do I politely shake him off though and what reasons should I give? The 20 year age gap feels too much for it to work, makes inappropriate comments to me IMO and am not keen on dating co-workers either - he is due to come and work in the same office on a permanent basis from next week! He makes me nervous and do not find it easy to open up to him. Am hoping to deal with the situation today, before we start working together in the same office. I am also not very physically attracted to him, which I know isn't the be all and end all though. My team leader said to him there may be an ex now back on the scene, when he asked if there was anyone else, which he got funny about. Although he only just said hi to me on Tuesday, when he came and found me. I fear going to lunch with him again even, which he'll probably ask to do after I may (cowardly) text. Thanks in advance Edited July 4, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Edit title and add paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 I would be very grateful for any advice re an older male work colleague, who appears to be quite persistent, despite my recent unavailability. ... not once in your many paragraphs of text did you mention when you've told him that you're not interested. I bet the most you've done is something like, "sorry, I am busy today, maybe next time!" - this does not get the message across. Be clear. The next time he asks you to lunch you need to say, "I'm a bit dense and may have given the wrong impression but to be clear; I'm not interested in anything romantic. If you want to do lunch to talk about work project XYZ, send me an invite via email and I'll add it to my work diary. Thanks!" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 I agree...the first thing you need to do is tell him that you are not interested and do not appreciate his persistence. Next, you need to notify your team leader that answering questions about or discussing your personal life with a co-worker is not only unprofessional but makes him/her liable in a harassment complaint. Finally, be professional yourself. Be cordial but don't try to "soften the blow" by being overly friendly, do not contact him or respond to anything not related to your job--and never outside of work hours. If he persists, calmly tell him that if he doesn't stop, you will file a complaint with HR or your boss (not your team leader). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 Why did you go out with him alone? Tell him you are not interested flat out. If that doesn't work maybe you could get your MM to come around and show him that you are taken. Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 I pretty much agree with Enema, except I'd leave out the "I'm a bit dense" part. In a situation like this it's important to project as much confidence as possible. To a normal person, "I'm a bit dense" is just a bit of harmless self deprecation that softens the blow. To somebody who's really persistent and predatory, it's a sign of weakness - and that's the bit they'll focus on, rather than the message following on from it. Take it from somebody who's been there (ie in my twenties, a very creepy colleague 20 years older than me who took the pestering to the point where he was turning up at my home on my days off and trying to persuade me, through the intercom, to let him into my flat). You would not believe the excuses somebody will find to keep pestering you in a situation like this. You have to be very direct to the point of being a bitch if necessary. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 You need to tell him NO. Tell him you guessed you misunderstood and are not interested in dating anyone at work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author goldengirl11 Posted July 4, 2014 Author Share Posted July 4, 2014 Why did you go out with him alone? Tell him you are not interested flat out. If that doesn't work maybe you could get your MM to come around and show him that you are taken. I guess I met up with him that once outside work, to see how we got on outside of the busy work environment, but it only seemed to confirm my feelings I suppose. Re MM, that's a very different matter IMO and am embarassed you mentioned him in your post tbh. Particularly as I am looking for a committed relationship. z Link to post Share on other sites
usaims Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 In my state of Florida, what he is doing is a form sexual harrasment -- tell him you are not interested and if he doesn't get the message -- go to HR. Granted, it is an "act of war" going to HR but he is an idiot if he doesn't get the message by now. Link to post Share on other sites
nomadic_butterfly Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 I would be very grateful for any advice re an older male work colleague, who appears to be quite persistent, despite my recent unavailability. I have only been out with him once out of work a few weeks ago, when met for drinks/had meal and not been to lunch at work for a fortnight now. He has since been to my team leader asking personal questions about me e.g if there's anyone else and asked us both if he's upset me, when I said he hadn't. How do I politely shake him off though and what reasons should I give? The 20 year age gap feels too much for it to work, makes inappropriate comments to me IMO and am not keen on dating co-workers either - he is due to come and work in the same office on a permanent basis from next week! He makes me nervous and do not find it easy to open up to him. Am hoping to deal with the situation today, before we start working together in the same office. I am also not very physically attracted to him, which I know isn't the be all and end all though. My team leader said to him there may be an ex now back on the scene, when he asked if there was anyone else, which he got funny about. Although he only just said hi to me on Tuesday, when he came and found me. I fear going to lunch with him again even, which he'll probably ask to do after I may (cowardly) text. Thanks in advance Why would you go on a date with someone you are not attracted to & a man you had already reasoned in your mind it would never workout with (for the host of aforementioned reasons)? I hope you are a super young person. Can't see why anyone would take that kind of risk (work place romance) with someone whom they've never even found physically appealing, ever. Although you should have been more upfront with him, it is not ok for him to be harassing you like this. Granted, it's always great to hear "from the horse's mouth," but anyone whom I've gone out with that never tried to initiate another date within a close timeframe was just not that into me, and as a man 20yrs your senior, you'd think he'd already know the score. Tell him straight up, "look, we did go out once and I came to the conclusion that it's best we keep our relationship/interaction it strictly professional. As such, I'd prefer our conversations to be centered around workplace related topics. Thanks." It's sad case because you can't even take it to a friendship level, because I have a feeling he'd only do so in hopes of a "reconnection." It flabbergasts me that he hasn't gotten the hint though, but clearly him asking a mutual friend/coworkers means the communication wasn't as clear as you may have thought.... Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 I agree that you need to be very straight with him and just tell him you are not interested in him in any romantic way at all. I've had a few similar situations in various places I have worked. Directness is the only way. Moreso now that you'll be working in the same office. Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted August 3, 2014 Share Posted August 3, 2014 why can't you just say you got a new bf? or got back with the old one? you lie. you make yourself unavailable for chats and lunches and do your job. Link to post Share on other sites
Lamplight Posted August 3, 2014 Share Posted August 3, 2014 Good luck! Once these old geezers latch on, it's next to impossible to get rid of them. They know that nothing will happen to them which is why they won't go away. I finally had to file a complaint with HR and now I'm the crazy, bad lady. I've been excluded from pretty much everything, mocked and made of in meetings and am expected to find my own work. He is in a band with my boss and buddy buddy with all the male management so they took his side. Link to post Share on other sites
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