Dabbles Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 Hello all! Long-time lurker, first-time poster... Here's my story - I recently graduated from college about two weeks ago and I ran into one of my professors who I've always had a very amicable, close relationship with. I have not had a class with him in about a year, but we kept in contact. He invited me out for a coffee and I said sure. We met up and walked over to the shop together and it was very pleasant, until he started to drop serious hints about more than just wanting coffee with me. Now, throughout my academic career and the classes I had with him, he was ALWAYS professional. Never, ever was inappropriate with anything. Now I did have a school-girl crush on him, I never acted inappropriately either and left it as it was because he is married and I was his student and there was strict policy in place. Also, I admired him for his work and there was no telling what type of person he'd be like outside of the classroom. I flat-out asked him over coffee, while staring at his wedding band if he was married and how was his wife. He explained about his marriage and since he was in the U.S. pursuing his Ph.D, him and his wife had an open style marriage. She traveled back and forth to see him occasionally. He consistently stressed that due to his own traveling, he has only taken the opportunity to act on the arrangement him and his wife have once because he finds it hard to find someone who understands the boundaries that are in place. He propositioned me (in his own shy way) and I said "Maybe". Only because I still see him as my professor, a bridge to a wide network and a professional above all else. I recently (and am still dealing) with the fallout of a 2 yr. relationship with another guy who is still in my life (who knows about the ex-prof approaching me and believes I should take up the opportunity). And from what we talked about over coffee the ex-prof and I would be strictly physical, no emotions involved. I did let him know I do not do "one-night" stands and if that's the case, I don't see them afterwards. And also in terms of FWB, we don't hang regularly either, only enough to feel comfortable and safe with the other to keep from developing emotions - in which he has expressed he'd like to court me (coffee dates, dinner dates, movies, etc). Has anyone else be in a similar situation? If so, how did you handle it? I am conflicted and while he did not rush or pressure me, I'm confused... I was attracted to him for his intelligence and drawn to his professionalism and how he interacted with us in class and there is no telling if I'll like the real man underneath it all and it makes me weary. Then there is the whole "open" marriage and wife thing. I do not think he is lying as I am sure his professional career would be affected and despite the fact that I am a former student of his, he does not know me personally and telling someone about this who has not expressed interest in you on that level screams trouble... Advice? Thoughts? Thank you in advance... Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted June 4, 2011 Share Posted June 4, 2011 If I was girl and in your situation I would just reject him upfront. Just say something like “I don’t date married men, and I especially don’t do open relationships.” What that means is you don’t date men with wives, and you don’t place yourself in non exclusive relationships. Nothing personal to him but out of respect to yourself. Even if he said something like “I’m leaving her.” You could still be like “It just sounds like a complicated situation I don’t want to get involved with.” That way he really can’t get mad at you. I think that’s what your worried about. He really doesn’t sound like a catch with this supposed open marriage. I bet she is completely unaware of this. Even if she knows sounds like a mess. So was I your favorite poster when you lurked? Link to post Share on other sites
Radagast Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 I'm assuming you mean "professor" in the US rather than the international sense (i.e., an academic in any lecturing position, rather than the most senior academic position) since he does not have a PhD. Depending on the context, his relative seniority could be an aggravating factor (a more junior staff member would probably be treated more leniently). While he did not approach you when you were still a student of his, the rapidity with which he struck once you had graduated suggests that his interest predates your graduation and raises questions as to his behaviour during the period in which he taught you. Was he completely impartial in marking your work? Was he using his position to "groom" you? As you state that you "admired him for his work" and was attracted to him "for his intelligence and his professionalism" it does sound as though his position of authority in his field is what is really attracting you to the proposition rather than him-the-person. If he was a plumber, would you still consider becoming involved in this way? I suspect not. He has quite clear ideas about the parameters of the involvement - you would be a simple physical release for him, and his emotional attachments, companionship, intellectual engagement and other aspects would be reserved for others in his life. From your post, it would seem that this would not be optimal for you. You are still in the halo of the "school-girl crush" you had on him, since you describe your attraction to him purely in terms of his teaching relationship to you. What you want from him is likely to be very different to what he is offering - you can get sexual release elsewhere. You would seek some kind of professional "leg up" from him, some benefits from the association with him that you would be unlikely to get through some clandestine Ashley Madison relationship. You want his brain, he wants your body. In time, you would tire of being seen by him as a sex object and he would tire of being seen by you as an intellect. What you represent to each other appears incompatible in any kind of sustainable way. Moreover, you need to consider your own views on being in an affair. Not everyone is comfortable with this. He claims to have an open relationship with his wife, but you have only this claim and no verification from his wife. Would you feel comfortable with discovering that she knew nothing about this so-called "agreement" and was deeply hurt by his involvement with you? Are you morally at ease with being his mistress? How would this affect your pursuing other relationships with other men? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 It is soooo common for married professors to come on to their students. I would reject him if I were you unless you want to become yet another notch on this guy's belt. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Restless_Journeyman Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 It's important to decide if you're really ok with a purely physical relationship and if you can keep it that way, or if you would risk getting more involved. Aside from this I would want verification from his wife if I were in your shoes. If he is unable to unwilling to have you speak with her to verify then that would seem very questionable to me. Some people are in open relationships, so it isn't exactly outside of the realm of possibility that he is telling the truth. My current girlfriend I've long permitted to sleep with anyone she wishes, so long as she lets me know and is safe about it (she doesn't really want to, but she knows shes allowed if that changes). Likewise she is ok with and actually enjoys me doing things with other women, so long as I'm safe about it and remain emotionally loyal to her. In other words I wouldn't assume hes lying, but I would try to determine it for sure and spend long and hard thinking about if you really want to do this, or if you're just tempted to because you want him to think well or you or for other reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
Gelofeabe Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 William & Kate full movie divx Watching Diary of a Wimpy Kid Online Buy Movie Lottery Ticket Pda Thor movie images MacGruber Film Direct Download Blood Junkie aka Rocky Trails Film Watch Film how to download The Secret Diaries of Miss Anne Lister online Download Chalet Girl Film Now Watch Tracker Film Download Blue Crush 2 teaser download Watch Somewhere Full Movie where to buy the Gulliver's Travels film Download Skyline Movies Link to post Share on other sites
Ouroboros Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 Well it is better than coming on me. Funny how that to makes a big difference. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts