Anyone ever been so busy at work that you had your reputation senselessly ruined by

[GoldPenny]

your social employees who seemingly lack work to do?

 

Here's the deal. I'm not exactly outgoing or talkative as a usual thing, but I'm not exactly shy or quiet either. I truly believe that I am both and can be either when I want to and have good judgment. Why does it have to be one extreme or another though when people describe others regardless? Is there no such thing as a middle ground?

 

However, when I started working at my current job two years ago, I expected to have a normal start- time to get to know others and time for full-blown training and work. However, I and the new girl, let's call her Linda, who started with me learned that my direct supervisor, let's call him Mr. Boss, had this widespread reputation that he was an overbearing, sexist, super demanding, argumentative, hot-tempered, micromanaging employee, even to those he wasn't even the boss of! He is the boss of only me and has been from the beginning. Linda has been known as this very social and talkative person, but even she states the obvious that she has very laid back and friendly superiors and others to work with and that she was glad she didn't have to work with him.

 

It's also obvious that she usually has, since the beginning, so very much less work than I do even though she manages her own program and I'm only an assistant. I would often try to continue convos with her when she would talk to me but would get frequently interrupted with requests and new work assignments. It would often deteriorate into me being this cooped up assistant in a corner with loads of paperwork and other things to do. She would be able to walk out of the room and socialize on her own terms with no fear of anyone cracking down on her or any work she was obligated to.

She had numerous associates and I had almost none.

 

Out of nowhere, she mentioned one morning a couple months after we both started that people would ask her if I even talked! In her words, "Everyone is always asking me if you talk. They're like, 'Does she talk? Does she talk? And I go, 'Yeah she talks, just not a lot. She talks to me.'" My comeback? "Well, yeah I talk. I can't talk as much as I want to or go walk around to talk to people because I'm always drowned in my work." And she trails off with "You don't have to..." What??! Who is her to say I don't have to? Do we work the same jobs? Take tabs on each other's work? No, completely different.

 

Plus, several times I have told her large, drawn out parts of my life story; several times, I have joked with her; she knew the kind of person I work for; and she saw how busy I was. I guess they didn't register because...??

 

Even so, I almost never saw more than one other person walking into that office to chat with her. The rest of them must've been completely outside of the office, hanging in the kitchen or at the nurse's station.... somewhere else with her walking around! So how was this reputation spreading if *I* almost never walked out of the office myself? By word of mouth?

 

"That's her. She's so quiet."

"Really?"

"Yeah, she mostly keeps to herself in the office."

"Oh, well, I guess I'll now know her as the quiet one. I won't bother much with her."

 

Is that how it works?

 

We've moved to several locations in the building since then with me constantly being bombarded with applicants since the hiring freeze broke before I got hired. Now sometimes I cannot even have a normal conversation with someone without them going, "Oh, you see it's the quiet ones that are always the wild ones." when I say something that does not conform to the group.

[NotKelly]

Wow, I really feel for you. I have not been so unfortunate as to be in such a catty office. Right now I am trying to fit into a new job where everyone is extremely chatty (and I wonder how much work they have to do) but my workload is manageable and I have to force myself to be chatty with my co-workers... so hard sometimes because of the "flash conversations" that develop and they're over with by the time I feel able to enter them...

 

I'm fortunate that my new co-workers seem nice and normal (if very chatty) and the vast majority of them have not made an issue of my being quieter (although one or two treat me like a complete stranger). I hope to meet them in the middle, as I hope they would do the same for me.

 

I hate to say it but this sounds like the kind of situation that is not going to get better soon. You may have the bad luck to be in an immature group of people there. Scapegoating someone as "the quiet one" is kind of an aggressive thing and it doesn't sound like a real healthy atmosphere to be working in. I hope you can find a better situation.

 

You have to concentrate on your own job and goals and try to make these people small in your mind, and work on moving on out of there.

 

Furthermore... I have been in the workforce for 22 years now... and I really believe that workplaces today are more poorly run than they used to be. Proper management of employees is weak or nonexistent, resulting in poor office dynamics and a free-for-all attitude that sometimes allows for "creativity" but usually just degenerates into cattiness and chaos. In some ways it is more "every man for himself" than it ever used to be. You cannot count on going to work on your first day and being shown the ropes, or for people to be nice and helpful to you for very long. I have had several jobs where I was ushered to an empty desk on the first day and ignored for days, not given any work, etc or not introduced to anyone else in the office.

 

Take care of yourself!

Edited October 21, 2010 by NotKelly

[spiderowl]

I do sympathise. You get these people and they are a pain. They have privileges and often jobs that afford them more time or status and then they use their spare time to run down their colleagues.

 

I'm sure you must feel in a very vulnerable position, partly because of your boss (who sounds a nightmare) and partly because people like your 'colleague' will take advantage of the fact that you are not socialising much. I know you are not socialising because you are too busy and I know what that's like. What I'd suggest is that you take the small breaks you are entitled to (check out your entitlement and make sure you take it - bear in mind that if there is too much work, you cannot reasonably be expected to do it all and could drive yourself crazy trying to be the employee who copes when others wouldn't). I know it sounds as if it's easy to talk but unless you take at least some time for yourself, your boss, the system, the demands will win. By making some small changes, you could make a difference to your status there.

 

What I'd suggest is that you take small amounts of time and use it to (1) get yourself a coffee or food; (2) make contact with someone. The point of this is to undermine your "colleague's" attempts to spread false rumours by getting to know people and making friends. First, you have to bridge the not knowing them at all gap by a word or two and a smile. If you're by the coffee machine with someone, ask them which is the best drink or if they'd recommend the soup, anything to bridge that gap between you and them. Be friendly, smile, joke maybe. Next time you see them, you'll be a familiar face not a complete stranger. Next time, they might smile and say hello to you, and so on until you build up at least a friendly exchange with them. If you ask them how they are, then that gives them the opportunity to talk more and to build a relationship with you if they want to (and why not?). If you do this with lots of different colleagues, eventually you will make some good friends and they will get to know the real person not the rumours.

 

It's in your interest to be a bit more chatty and friendly to people, even if you can't spend that much time with them. You are building a network of contacts and allies, people who will realise that your colleague is talking rubbish. Also, you never know what opportunities might be offered to you one day by one of those people you made an effort to exchange pleasantries with.

 

I do hope things improve for you. I have been there and other allies are definitely the way to go.

[4givrnt4gtr]

BEEN THERE!!!

 

I hated it... A LOT. Im really sorry you're going throug this.

 

BUT....if its any consolation, instead of being irritated by the title of "the quiet one" why dont you use it to your advantage? See, Ive learned when people usually calls you that is because, unlike the chatty cattys out there, who are a complete open book, you are a mystery and people get nervous about that. So basically, you can be a little mischievous, and make it a point to make them more nervous...how? well if you ever get a time to breath, just make sure to walk in to wherever they might be, in a kind of....'ethereal" manner...like...you know something they dont...mess with their heads...at the very least, it will entertain you (and put you back in power....though its not very mature I must admit lol)

Ive been told, after people get to know me, that before I seemed either arrogant/know it all/I think im the sh*t" to mousy/nervous/anxious. Now. NONE of those titles fit me AT ALL but people MUST put you somewhere for them to make sense of a situation. So, basically...its not about you, its about them and their insecurities.

 

You're doing a fantastic job at keeping up with a demanding boss...which might also create envy (specially if good things have been said about you) so you might take that into consideration.

 

my whole point is that from what you write it seems that you're taking the "quiet" comment too. If you're not quiet, no matter what anyone says, you are not and thats it. They just don't get to have the pleasure to see the other side of you where you are outgoing and social....their loss, and it seems like they know that, so they are being bitter about it. It happens.

 

Keep doing a good job and the right (worthwhile) people will appreciate you for that.

 

* Well, re-reading your post..one question...why does it matter so much to you what your co-workers say? do they have a say on whether you stay in the job/get a raise?

[GoldPenny]

Wow, I really feel for you. I have not been so unfortunate as to be in such a catty office. Right now I am trying to fit into a new job where everyone is extremely chatty (and I wonder how much work they have to do) but my workload is manageable and I have to force myself to be chatty with my co-workers... so hard sometimes because of the "flash conversations" that develop and they're over with by the time I feel able to enter them...

 

I'm fortunate that my new co-workers seem nice and normal (if very chatty) and the vast majority of them have not made an issue of my being quieter (although one or two treat me like a complete stranger). I hope to meet them in the middle, as I hope they would do the same for me.

 

I hate to say it but this sounds like the kind of situation that is not going to get better soon. You may have the bad luck to be in an immature group of people there. Scapegoating someone as "the quiet one" is kind of an aggressive thing and it doesn't sound like a real healthy atmosphere to be working in. I hope you can find a better situation.

 

You have to concentrate on your own job and goals and try to make these people small in your mind, and work on moving on out of there.

 

Furthermore... I have been in the workforce for 22 years now... and I really believe that workplaces today are more poorly run than they used to be. Proper management of employees is weak or nonexistent, resulting in poor office dynamics and a free-for-all attitude that sometimes allows for "creativity" but usually just degenerates into cattiness and chaos. In some ways it is more "every man for himself" than it ever used to be. You cannot count on going to work on your first day and being shown the ropes, or for people to be nice and helpful to you for very long. I have had several jobs where I was ushered to an empty desk on the first day and ignored for days, not given any work, etc or not introduced to anyone else in the office.

 

Take care of yourself!

 

Thank you for your feedback. It's nice to see that you understand even though you have not quite have had the experience as I have. I can only hope to go for the next few decades without encountering this again!

 

I have been thinking and dreaming of the day that I do get a new job and hopefully start fresh without such a hectic, solo, and demanding start. Since my two years as a permanent contractor employee has came this month, I have been applying to many gov't jobs.

 

I agree that the situation won't improve, at least notably. I do think that for the most part, when a reputation is held long enough (and it is negative) with impressionable people, like those that I speak of, it won't really shake unless you have great lengths of time allocated towards changing it on a regular basis for however long that may be.

 

I do sympathise. You get these people and they are a pain. They have privileges and often jobs that afford them more time or status and then they use their spare time to run down their colleagues.

 

I'm sure you must feel in a very vulnerable position, partly because of your boss (who sounds a nightmare) and partly because people like your 'colleague' will take advantage of the fact that you are not socialising much. I know you are not socialising because you are too busy and I know what that's like. What I'd suggest is that you take the small breaks you are entitled to (check out your entitlement and make sure you take it - bear in mind that if there is too much work, you cannot reasonably be expected to do it all and could drive yourself crazy trying to be the employee who copes when others wouldn't). I know it sounds as if it's easy to talk but unless you take at least some time for yourself, your boss, the system, the demands will win. By making some small changes, you could make a difference to your status there.

 

What I'd suggest is that you take small amounts of time and use it to (1) get yourself a coffee or food; (2) make contact with someone. The point of this is to undermine your "colleague's" attempts to spread false rumours by getting to know people and making friends. First, you have to bridge the not knowing them at all gap by a word or two and a smile. If you're by the coffee machine with someone, ask them which is the best drink or if they'd recommend the soup, anything to bridge that gap between you and them. Be friendly, smile, joke maybe. Next time you see them, you'll be a familiar face not a complete stranger. Next time, they might smile and say hello to you, and so on until you build up at least a friendly exchange with them. If you ask them how they are, then that gives them the opportunity to talk more and to build a relationship with you if they want to (and why not?). If you do this with lots of different colleagues, eventually you will make some good friends and they will get to know the real person not the rumours.

 

It's in your interest to be a bit more chatty and friendly to people, even if you can't spend that much time with them. You are building a network of contacts and allies, people who will realise that your colleague is talking rubbish. Also, you never know what opportunities might be offered to you one day by one of those people you made an effort to exchange pleasantries with.

 

I do hope things improve for you. I have been there and other allies are definitely the way to go.

 

 

Thank you for your suggestions. These are great for future reference.

 

It's been nearly two years now of the bad rep, so this length of time might continue to be the culprit of what I've been noticing. While I have gone out of my way whenever I could to chat with folks, they tend to either 1.) immediately drop the conversation right when I'm finished with a sentence to speak to someone whom they know well and have been associating with for who knows how long. Then, they simply move on or 2.) publicly embarrass me with, as I mentioned in my original post, the "quiet girl gone wild" nonsense and usually to others like I'm not even there.

 

I think two years may be too long to really change another person's perspective even when they easily agree that I'm a very, very busy person compared to others. So, why is it so hard for them to give some leeway in their perspective of me when I'm obviously being open, outspoken even, and bringing something else to the convos? It's human nature, I guess. But, your suggestions are still great for my future jobs. I will certainly try them when I have the fresh start.

 

 

BEEN THERE!!!

 

I hated it... A LOT. Im really sorry you're going throug this.

 

BUT....if its any consolation, instead of being irritated by the title of "the quiet one" why dont you use it to your advantage? See, Ive learned when people usually calls you that is because, unlike the chatty cattys out there, who are a complete open book, you are a mystery and people get nervous about that. So basically, you can be a little mischievous, and make it a point to make them more nervous...how? well if you ever get a time to breath, just make sure to walk in to wherever they might be, in a kind of....'ethereal" manner...like...you know something they dont...mess with their heads...at the very least, it will entertain you (and put you back in power....though its not very mature I must admit lol)

Ive been told, after people get to know me, that before I seemed either arrogant/know it all/I think im the sh*t" to mousy/nervous/anxious. Now. NONE of those titles fit me AT ALL but people MUST put you somewhere for them to make sense of a situation. So, basically...its not about you, its about them and their insecurities.

 

You're doing a fantastic job at keeping up with a demanding boss...which might also create envy (specially if good things have been said about you) so you might take that into consideration.

 

my whole point is that from what you write it seems that you're taking the "quiet" comment too. If you're not quiet, no matter what anyone says, you are not and thats it. They just don't get to have the pleasure to see the other side of you where you are outgoing and social....their loss, and it seems like they know that, so they are being bitter about it. It happens.

 

Keep doing a good job and the right (worthwhile) people will appreciate you for that.

 

* Well, re-reading your post..one question...why does it matter so much to you what your co-workers say? do they have a say on whether you stay in the job/get a raise?

 

LOL, I actually found your first suggestion of capitalizing on being mysterious a delight. I do understand it, and when you're this far behind such an unappealing image to people, it might be refreshing just to play along a little bit, as you suggested, only to surprise them!

 

I do feel like at least three of them see the other side of me, but they refuse to think that someone could be quiet and studious like I am yet be just as talkative as they are and more outspoken. It's so notable how often I get interrupted by that one particular colleague, for example, even when I'm making a good point just so she can say something that's redundant, irrelevant, or insignificant overall. It's as if she's trying to outdo me socially or with how many words she can speak. I tried not to think about it, but it keeps happening that I can't ignore it.

 

To answer your question, it matters a lot to me because first of all, it's simply uncomfortable to spend that much time (40 hours a week) in a place where you feel hopelessly outcasted and 2.) I am afraid that my direct supervisor has heard of these views of me enough times already that he may mark me down for not being compatible with others even though I do not even work with them at all. I work with people in mostly other buildings, cities, states, countries and all of that is by phone or e-mail. If I find out that he ever marks me down for that (which would make no sense), I am 100% sure that I'll use my outspoken side to give him a good talking to!

 

Thanks everyone!

Edited October 21, 2010 by GoldPenny

[NotKelly]

LOL, I actually found your first suggestion of capitalizing on being mysterious a delight. I do understand it, and when you're this far behind such an unappealing image to people, it might be refreshing just to play along a little bit, as you suggested, only to surprise them!

I second what the original person said about this. Maybe you can't actively surprise them just yet, but it ought to make you feel better to know that you ARE different.

 

I'm trying to remember that on my new job just now... I am probably the quietest person that office has seen for some time... I sit there and listen most of the day, laugh a bit to myself at the jokes, but I also can hear all the petty tensions and get the sense that some people are a little tired of some of the "personalities" there.

 

So I am trying to reveal myself bit by bit (it can be real work sometimes) and hopefully someone there will see me as a pleasant alternative to interact with someday. For the time being, I know I'm kind of a mystery to them. Hopefully someone will one day see YOU as a pleasant alternative to this "Linda" character.

 

Last bit of advice to you - try to "change it up" every day. Don't get stuck in a pattern of getting through the day (which is easy to fall into when you hate your job). Stay in for lunch some days, go out for lunch some days, don't always come and go at the same time, practice saying Hi to people even if you know a conversation isn't going to develop. The more varied you are, the bigger mystery you will seem, and the less likely the "Quiet One" crap is going to stick to you.

 

You can always turn a mistaken first impression around. It just takes some work. There are some people I have worked with for years who I had a wrong impression of in the beginning, but after a couple years passed, I thought differently of them (sometimes better, sometimes worse).

Edited October 22, 2010 by NotKelly