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What should I do?

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Old 11th June 2002, 5:36 PM   #1
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Question What should I do?

I have fallen for a co-worker, and I have many conflicting feelings on what I should do. The main problem is that she is currently seeing someone, should I tell her how I feel?, or should I just forget about it. I have been wrestling my emotions for a while now, and to be honest it starting to get me down.

The other problem is that everyone seems to have noticed how much I seem to long for her, while all this time I thought I was playing it cool. Having just reealised that we have both become office gossip, should I act now before someone opens their mouth, as it seems like everyone is trying to play match maker.

I have weighed up the pros and cons, and in the end I have come to no conclusion as to what is the best course of action. On the one hand I don't want to break up her relationship or make her uncomfortable, but on the other I think that life is too short, and that if I don't tell her, I would regret it for a very long time.

Please help!!
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Old 11th June 2002, 6:14 PM   #2
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Back off!!!

Yes, life is short. That's why as many of us have to retain our morals and decency and let other people carry on their relationships without interference.

If you want to do things properly, you can let this lady know that if she ever becomes available that you would be interested in dating her. That's it...NOTHING MORE.

If she's interested enough to break up her current relationship for the outside possiblity that a lasting partnership may form with you, she may do that. Chances are excellent that if she's a sane person she will remain with the guy she's with because only wackos remain with people they don't want to be with.

You will be best served and save yourself enormous embarassment and humiliation by not letting your fondness for people who are currently in relationships become a public item. That's sort of junior high school stuff.

You will also be best served by either not dating people you work around or do so with extreme discretion. If things don't work out...or if the relationship becomes public...complications in your work space can develop.

So talk to her briefly, don't tell her how you feel because that would be inappropriate and there's really no basis for any feelings yet because you don't know her that intimately, tell her if she's ever free to see other people you'd be interested and just leave it at that.

Do whatever you can to get your coworkers out of the loop and get them to mind their own business.

And, by all means, go out this weekend and look for nice, single and available ladies. There are plenty of them around.
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Old 11th June 2002, 8:29 PM   #3
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In general, I don't think it's a good idea to date people you work in the same place with and see every day. Even if you do date a co-worker, it's best to keep it out of the office talk. That ones kind of blown already and you haven't even had a date yet. In addition, a lot of companies have restrictions or formal policies regarding co-workers dating. Do you know if your employer has any restrictions or policies on this subject?

I don't know how long you have known her, how well you know her or if you have even spoken to her before. I do know that it is unrealistic to "fall for" someone you don't know very well. When you feel you have "fallen for" someone you don't know very well (or even dated for that matter), what you have "fallen for" are your thoughts of them and/or your thoughts of what "could be", not what is.

If the word is out around the office that you have the hots for her, chances are she already knows. Don't you hate it when other people steal your thunder? So how did everyone else find out? Chances are you said something to somebody - that said something to somebody else, etc. or you've done other things that tipped your hand like, every time she goes to the water go to the water cooler. It's not a big deal, just let 'em talk. It could be a lot worse. The gossip could have been that you are stealing company secrets. Ouch!

Your best chance of ever getting a date with her is for you to:

1) Don't tell her you have fallen for her before you have even dated her. She might get freaked out and think you are some kind of weirdo.
2) Convince yourself you HAVE NOT fallen for her until you have actually dated her and gotten to know her for some time.
3) Be friendly toward her, but don't become her buddy. People have a hard time becoming romantic with someone they have already pegged as only a friend.

If you can do 1, 2 and 3 you will retain at least a chance of getting a date in the future.

Right now, I assume you don't even know what kind of dating relationship she has with the other guy (i.e. exclusive or not). Are you relying on office gossip for this information? I think you need to ask her about this directly or indirectly by just asking for a date and seeing what her response is. If she tells you she is dating someone exclusively or if she turns you down, "because she is dating someone else," then tell her you are interested in having a date with her if things change were to change. That's all you have to do, one time, and she will know where you stand.

Either you'll get a date or you won't. If you do, good luck! If you don't, then keep using 1, 2, and 3 on her and any other ladies you develop an attraction for. One of them will eventually say "Yes".
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Old 11th June 2002, 9:35 PM   #4
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No not the co-worker

Don't get your honey where you get your money!
I have, when the r/s is up things will be painful for a while or strange. There maybe fights, competition and just allot of crap that could be avoided.

Don't date a co-worker unless you absolutely know this is the person your going to spend the next ten years with.
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Old 12th June 2002, 2:03 PM   #5
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From a female's point of view, if a man approached me with such an offer and I knew he was aware I was already in a relationship, I would immediately think he is the lowest of the low.

I would think myself very lucky that I was already in a relationship with someone else and not with you.

I'd imagine me and you together and you going off behind my back to seduce someone else, since you had no qualms in trying to seduce me while I was already taken.

However if you hinted that you'd want me if I weren't already taken, I'd be flattered. And if I liked you I'd keep you in the back of my mind just in case my current relationship didn't work out-depending on how happy and optimistic about my current relationship I was.

Alot of ifs here.
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Old 8th July 2002, 10:03 PM   #6
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I am new here, read your message and had to reply. From someone who is currently dating a fellow employee. I say be very sure that telling this lady is what you want. It is very difficult to keep work and home seperate. There is the fact that you two will be together more then most relationships (depending on how closely you work together). And we all know that there is a certain amount of flirting that goes on at work, whether it be you, her or both. Personally I didn't care too much about what other people thought, until everyone knows that you've had an disagreement, then the whispering starts. I've been dating this guy 4 about a year now .......yep we've had lots of ups and downs and most of them stem for work related problems.
Whatever you decide to do...i wish you the best.
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Old 8th July 2002, 10:46 PM   #7
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it is a painful feeling when you see your "dream" girl with another guy. You gotta accept that and respect her decision

there is really nothing that you can do because that is what she chose.

if she likes you, she will come to you.

i'm sure that there are may girls are waiting for you to come. Just forget about it and MOVE ON

if you tell her how you feel, you will destroy your friendship with her. It will make both of you feel uncomfortable in the office.
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Old 9th July 2002, 3:05 AM   #8
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Ok please take my advice, under no circumstances try to date a co-worker, unless you are willing to leave your job. My last relationship was this situation. We started dating seriously when we worked together, then he got fired for a dumb reason...just looking for an excuse, and I ended up getting upset and almost quitting my job too. Now we've broken up, and he wants to come back to the company, but bc our breakup was painful for me, they all know about what happened, and now even though we are "friends" they won't allow us to work together again bc we'd "kill each other" and they are probably right...LOL Its NOT worth it...there are too many other great people out there... My current bf says "Don't sh** where you eat." He's right...
That's just what I think....

UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
nothing is going to get better. It's not.

"The Lorax" Dr. Seuss
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