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Work with my BF, now I'm anxious and need some guidence!

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Old 30th March 2008, 11:41 AM   #1
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Work with my BF, now I'm anxious and need some guidence!

I know this thread is a bit long....i tried to keep as short as possible, but if you could PLEASE just help a distressed girl I'd really appreciate it!!!

I've posted about what's been going in another thread....

I could use a bit of help going forward with current events...

Background on me: I'm 25. I've dated maybe 5 guys in the last 5 years....usually we start as friends (3/5) and they put the moves on me like they're totally interested and as soon as they make a move, they disappear from the face of the earth. The other 2 know, you go out a couple times, they kiss me, the new few dates have some kissing, then when I make any move to hold their hand or give them a kiss, they pull away and then break up with me! One guy really did seem to like me and i did go as far as to sleep with him but the chemistry wasnt working on my part...but other than that I am so scared to make a move b/c it keeps backfiring.....

Background on the bf....
he's 26. what i know is he dated a girl thruout highschool and college, they fought a lot, broke up/back together back and forth...moved in, then got married (he said he thought if they got married this would stop all that)...bought a divorced....i think it was a bit that she cldnt stand being left a lone and he plays video games a lot....she works in our building but i dont know her. ive heard she's a bitch? i dont know...he's been away from her for over a yr but i dont think the divorce became final till after we started "hanging out." is there anything wrong with that? the whole married/divorced thing doesnt bother me...its actually hard to think of him as having been married....

About me and my bf...

Known him over a year. Work in same department. Had vibe back in training that he liked me. Got my number in like August and started texting. I had reservations about dating someone I worked with. Didn't want it to be awkward, didn't want gossiped about, since they don't last more than a few months so far in my life i didn't want to end up working with an ex....

So we started with hanging out in like Sept/Oct to get dinner then would go our separate ways...this was maybe once or twice a month for the first couple months. He paid. He was always real sweet. He was racking up good points with his gestures.

Then in like beginning of Jan, I went over his apartment for first time for a football game, just me and him...then over the next couple weeks, I think I was at his house like both Sat and sleeping over, no nothing but sitting on the couch watching movies and whatnot....

Then, it seemed like the time I went over that I was finally ready to go to the next level, I sat closer to him, he put his arm around me, he kissed me before I it seemed to really work at the right moment.

Then within a couple weeks after that (end of Jan) he asked me to be his girlfriend. AWESOME.

At the time he was always saying things about wanting to meet my parents, how cool i am, how he's keeping me around for a long time, i just get cooler and cooler, we'll go to the beach...when i move out we'll be spending a lot more time together. he even mentioned like 3 x a week for example. i said wow you got this all figured out. he said "i was just sayin..."

I really like him after getting to know him. He's sweet. I am attracted to him. I feel so comfortable, relaxed, excited...being around him. I can't stop thinking about him.

Then in Feb something happened where he couldnt get to work one day (snow) and work wouldn't give him any vacation or anything and so he got put on a warning and they took his sick days and he cant promote out of the dept till like august. he's really been in a very depressed mood. Just like that the texting stopped. (all the I miss you! xoxo and other compliments) I was struggling with these lack of texts. He wasnt really responding to mine. I wasn't getting any or positive feedback. He wasn't/isnt really talking to anyone else (none of the guys on my team who all play xbox and whatnot) so i think it's how he is.

I don't think he's happy. I don't think it's that he doesnt like me anymore, but that he's just distant....and so going through my mind is im not sure he wants a relationship ....but then my friend at work who really doesnt know him except by site says a guy will do anything for a girl he likes no matter what's going on in his life.

Another friend who met him once thinks if he didnt he would consistantly pull away and think up excues....

What do you think?

I had a talk with him the other week about him being distant and i was concerned...i didnt say anything about not texting me or all that wasn't "the talk" or anything. He talked about how hes not happy.

we hadn't hung out for like 3 weeks and that was after i spent 2 nights with him. So then he started telling me i could call him which was last weekend, and we talked a bit about nothing in particular...but he kept bringing up hanging out the following saturday...

i asked him to dinner this past thur and he said ok. i got an hr vacation off work to match up our work sched for that day...

so i figure he would make an excuse if he hadnt wanted to...

i mentioned a friend saying she wants to meet my mother so she's gonna help me move. and he goes "i'll talk to your mom" so it sounds like he still wants to meet her?

we hung out yesterday and at first it was a bit awkward to me. he didnt give me a kiss but i did give him one...things got better thru out the evening with some cuddling and little kisses here and there. No making out or anything. We've already slept together a couple of times and i've spent the weekend twice.

so i dont know how to approach this communication thing without bringing up blame, or sounding clingy. since apparently the talk is a bad thing from what i hear. I'm feeling like im turning into the girl who needs reassurance 24/7 and ive always just kinda been on my own and never had much of anyone in my life to depend on so i thought i was ok with not being clingy....

now he is mentioning going to this job fair on thur to look for another job. which scares me. its ok if i dont work with him but i cant help but think if he leaves the job something will happen with us. who knows it could be better. or when i move out and i'll be closer to him things will improve.

he's mentioned moving to other states where the weather is nicer.....but then yesterday he saw this little house like a block from his apartment on sale and is interested in it. hes mentioned buying before. so its really like he doesnt know what he wants as far as all this....

im worried about he and i's work schedules. right now im work the middle of the day shift and he works till late. so we cant phone talk during hte day or after work unless i stay up late...the texting needs to improve even if i can get one from him instead of me texting first for the last month. how are we supposed to spend time together if our schedules are opposite? how are we supposed to like sleep over even if that's all it is?

were not really talking at work a whole lot. hes not coming over to my desk or anything but hes not really going to anyone else's either....

i go to his maybe once during hte day but i stopped basically i just go over when i leave to say bye.

so i guess some of my questions are....

do you think b/c he's established the relationship as being bf/gf that we don't need to do all this flirting all the time? it's just known now...

is it normal to hang out and not have a big make out session each time?
same goes for sex

a relationship is more than intimacy....

with what i said about our work schedules and me still living at it a bad sign if we dont hang out at least once a week? or do you think that i just need to give time for it to improve after i move out?

how often should we be texting and/or talking?

you think with the weather all crappy its dragging everyone down, that the summer and warmer weather could also improve things?

For a while there it was going pretty fast and i was getting a bit overwhelmed. seemed like he really wanted a im not sure if he wants something casual or serious?

is this something i can bring up? doesnt that involve "the talk?"

despite how i am feeling, i feel like im over reacting...but im finding that us women/girls do that and its just how we're you think i really should just be ok with this b/c he did ask me to be his gf, and he is going thru some things so other than that he hasnt really given me a real reason to think he wants to break things off......but how do i stop feeling how im feeling? (aside from being busy) i just cant sleep at night and its wearing me down.

Last edited by allieapplesauce; 30th March 2008 at 11:46 AM..
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Old 30th March 2008, 11:54 AM   #2
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 13,886
Allie - the basic question is: are you happy in this relationship?

What is it that you want?

Don't be afrait to speak up about how you wold like the relationship to work. If he is willing to communicate and take what's important to you into consideration, then you are in a relationship. If he isn't, then you are better off without him.
Kamille is offline   Reply With Quote


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