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An attempt to fix my mental state

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Old 23rd October 2017, 5:09 AM   #1
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An attempt to fix my mental state

I suppose this thread could fit in a number of subforums. If I've chosen the wrong one feel free to move it.

To put all factors into context, let me provide a timeline of my life the past ~6 years:

2011 - Got diagnosed with diabetes type 1 at age 26.
2012 - Following 6 months of overcoming initial shock and mental issues with diabetes I decided to quit my job and travel the world. On this journey I met my future wife.
2014 - 2 years into our LDR we got married

Jan 2015 - She moves to my country, learns the language and gets a job. Happy times.
Sept 2016 - Having the time of my life. But wife starts cheating on me behind my back.
Dec 2016 - I find out about the cheating. Worst Xmas ever trying to keep a facade of a happy marriage in front of family.
Feb 2017 - I move out and we separate. We are on friendly terms, still have feelings, still see each other and occasionally have sex. She shows regret and wants to work things out. I start dating and end up in a sexual affair with another married woman. I start smoking weed habitually instead of recreationally.
May 2017 - Summer holiday with wife to her home country (tickets were bought the year before). I openly sleep around with women, which infuriates my wife.
August 2017 - I've had my "release" and I'm now willing to make an effort at our marriage. But wife needs time to sort out herself.
October 2017 - I give her a deadline. If we don't start working on our issues before January 2018, I will end our relationship completely.

Current state

Work & finances: very satisfying.
My own affair: I must end this, but I'm struggling. I get weak in moments of loneliness, lust and wanting to satisfy this woman. I know my behaviour is immoral and it appalls me.
Diabetes: well managed.
Physical health: better shape than ever, bordering well defined muscles, enjoying workouts and healthy diet.
Weed: habitually smoking it as an escape. I must find a stop to this immediately. Clean 2 days straight now after 2 weeks of daily use.
Wife: Mixed thoughts and emotions. I am willing to atleast give it a try, but I think trust will be a major issue. She is not ready yet though, and I am dreading the possibility of removing this person from my life, because despite everything we still have love and affection towards each other. Being friends (with benefits) have worked somewhat, but this half-distance is causing me pain.

Mental health: My main topic for this thread. I feel unstable. I'm struggling with mood swings and inner stress. Some anxiety. I've had 3 episodes of "mini depression" since August (week+ long state of self-pity, apathy, loneliness, sadness, irritability, hopelessness etc).
My psyche is likely affected by a mix of:
- my weed smoking
- diabetes, which statistically makes people more prone to depression
- my affair
- situation with wife

I am looking for advice towards my situation. I have a doctors appointment next week and I will open up about my issues. I eat well and work out. Apart from this what should I do? For example, I'm afraid that ending my affair will leave me feeling lonely and prone to falling deeper into depression. I also have sexual desires and my affair is a simple fix. I hate the dating game. I'm struggling with how to fix/end my marriage. I feel like I am a mess, but for now I have been able to function well with work, friends, family and physical health. It makes me wonder, how long can I go on like this?
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Old 23rd October 2017, 8:04 AM   #2
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You've given your wife a deadline to start working on issues but you're in an active affair? That sounds insane to me. You're the one who needs a deadline. Choose your marriage or choose your affair. We all have to make choices that hurt sometimes. We all have to feel emotional pain sometimes. Grow up
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Old 23rd October 2017, 8:50 AM   #3
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I'm open to my wife about the current sexual affair. I was honest when she asked me. She is not open to me about her intimate relations. As long as we're separated and not working on our marriage it is not my business either.

How can I choose the marriage when wife clearly is not choosing it? She says she wants to but is not ready yet. She can't tell when she will be ready. Hence why I put a deadline. The deadline is also for me. By that time I will have ended the affair. It is purely sexual from my side.
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Old 25th October 2017, 5:59 PM   #4
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I'm sorry that you are struggling, and I hope that things improve for you soon.

The first things that I would do, if I was in your situation.

Stop the weed. Clear your mind.

Get some counselling.

End the marriage. She has been unfaithful. You have been unfaithful. You simply can't have "a release" and then decide to work on your marriage - after sleeping with several other women. It just doesn't work like that. I think your mental health will improve when you don't have the stress of dealing with your failing marriage and infidelity.

If she tells you that she's "not ready" to work on your marriage, you should believe her. It is time for you to move on. I'm sorry. I do wish you well.

Last edited by BaileyB; 25th October 2017 at 6:05 PM..
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Old 26th October 2017, 1:00 AM   #5
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Stop smoking up, it's just magnifying your anxiety and making you feel worse. be healthy all around!

Counseling will help you grow and learn to fix what's broken inside of you.

As for your wife, you both need to talk and go to marriage counseling, see if your marriage is actually worth saving. You've both cheated and had affairs now, there's mistrust and disrespect between you two. do you love one another enough to make it work?
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Old 26th October 2017, 4:51 AM   #6
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Why did your wife cheat in the first place? You state you were happy, but clearly she was not. Perhaps she was not as happy in your country as you thought she was? Whatever the reasons were behind that, they will need resolving or they will come up again.
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full for language & ideas, even the phrase 'each other' doesn't make any sense. - Jalāl ad-Dīn Muhammad Rūmī
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Old 26th October 2017, 5:40 AM   #7
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Thanks for the advice and opening up new perspectives for me.

My own affair:
Just to make it clear; I don't look at this as cheating on my wife, as the affair started after we separated and I've been open about it to her every time she has asked. The reason I call it an "affair" is because this woman is married as well. Which makes it totally immoral of course. I think it would be best if I wasn't involved with anyone else, but it's hard to say no when you are hurt and abit lonely.

Personal counseling:
Thanks for the advice. I also thought of this and have made steps towards getting an appointment.

Marriage counseling:
Wife is not ready now, so it's a no-go. This is why I put that deadline. If she's not ready then (January), I will move on and end the marriage. Would you still advice me to ignore the deadline and just end things immediately? I do agree the odds are slim that everything will be well with the marriage.

Relationship with wife now:
There is mistrust from me, but not disrespect. We have a friendly, even loving, attitude towards each other. I understand why she cheated seeing things from her side, although very hurt that she hid it from me and that she chose to cheat instead of tackling her issues in other ways. She has poor impulse control and has been self-destructive in this process. She has a desire to change. We both think we can reconsile, heal and move on but odds are it will be very very difficult.
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Old 26th October 2017, 7:48 AM   #8
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When we engage in negative behaviors. Those that are destructive to ourselves and others - these manifest not just physically but also in our mental and emotional states. The way we feel.

If you want to resolve the mental state issues - you must first and foremost stop participating in these negative behaviors.
- Immoral sexual behavior
- Habitual Drug Use
- Toxic relationship with your wife etc

It may be hard to say no when you are hurt and a bit lonely - but these only serve to make your issues worse and harder to walk away from in future. If you want to feel better - you must start to act better. Draw a line in the sand - stop using your wife's infidelity as an excuse for you to act in a horrible manner. Be the better person.

Stop using drugs
End the sexual affair
Make a firm decision now as to how you are going to proceed with your marriage. Do not give deadlines, do not use your wifes actions as an excuse. Make a decision to try to save the marriage or walk away and start the healing process.
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Old 10th November 2017, 9:29 AM   #9
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Justanaverageguy, thanks for your clarifying post. I have taken some time to consider your ideas and I have even taken action.

I'm off the drugs which triggered an even deeper sense of depression. I think that's normal.

I stopped the immoral behaviour with the married woman. She still gets in touch with me but I haven't replied to her.

Marriage is still in limbo. I told her my deadline and will stick to it. If by then she's not ready to work on things, I will immediately start the divorce process.
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