How to get over anger? Don't want to become bitter ( long) !!

[BunHeadLA]

I realize I have been positing a lot but not answering a lot of others concerns, so I want to do more of that I thought this would be a nice place to express some things then get some advice on ways to forgive myself, others and how to stay positive... what have you tried? Does anyone feel the way I do? I try to speak to my family and acquaintances but they don't understand the magnitude of what I feel and it is hard to make new friends which I need since I feel like this time in my life I would just be kind of dumping everything on them.

 

I am officially being kicked out at the end of the month and it finally made me realize how alone I am and I have been doing a lot of soul searching the last week or so and I keep coming up with the fact that it HAS to be my fault... I am being punished for something. It seems like everyone has this core group of friends that I simply don't have anymore. I am getting angrier and more stressed and when I force myself to go out I just feel irritated. I have had relationship issues that were not even my own.. I will get into that. I was at a crowded wine bar and 2 people next to me went to get up. I put my stuff down and a couple came up and said they asked for those seats, well... they had a seat already and suggested I go sit way in the corner at a single seat. I said "Nope! I have been on my feet all day working an event and you have a seat already" and part of it was because it was a couple and I will be darned if I have to cowtow to them.. I know maybe that is a bit exaggerating... I stopped going on facebook and will be off for a while because I am so tired of reaching out to classmates in my area and getting nothing or seeing everyone's 'blessed" lives...

 

I wanted to tell you about some seminal moments that have shaped this for me. Growing up I had a lot of heath issues and a lot of loss at a young age. I was bullied a lot and never really dated, most men told me I was gross or looked at me like a little sister, everytime there was an event I was moved from table to table or room to room, no one wanted to be near me.... my Freshman year of college I was hoping for a new start but my father became abusive and I still lived at home. My family could be controlling so I couldn't move to the dorms. I acted out and I was dealing with depression and other things but not trying to fix it. I didn't make any shows and I guess my teachers decided I never would, but didn't tell me until before graduation. My dad died when I was a Sophomore and I was given "special" treatment like not having to do serious scenes.. in hindsight I wish I took more control over my education. My brother started dating a frenemy girl in my class and his friends kind of took over that friend group and it ruined my senior year. I was finally asked out on my first real date at 22 and entered into a 6 year relationship. 3 of which had no intimacy and he never told me why. Around the time of our breakup I met a man who I started to see and work with, he invited me to LA since I won a contest to go to a movie premier. He said he would front me the money for the project we were working on so I could go One night his roommate raped me and that made the man strand me in LA without a dime. My family begrudgingly sent me money and thought I was so stupid to have gone.

 

A couple friends were in abusive relationships and they got me involved and all I heard about was how ugly they thought I was and how horrible I was because I was worried about the fact that they were slapping my friends and being controlling. I worked for a year with the state then headed to NYC for an internship and stayed with a friends mom. I lost it after 2 weeks because they said they needed more of an editor than a PR person. I stayed for 7 months with some crazy roommates. My friend invited me to move to LA and stay with her and her boyfriend and I did it, I got an internship and after a couple months friends boyfriend decided to try to have sex with me. I said no, he told my friend that I hit on him and they kicked me out in the middle of the night, threw half my stuff away and defamed me online.

 

I then moved in with an acquaintance who not only treated me like her slave, but rented out a room that was probably illegal, she got pregnant and her boyfriend ended up being insane, stalking me, I had to get a restraining order against him and she left the state with her child leaving me with her animals and to deal with her boyfriend.

 

I was a live in nanny for almost a year and that was quite calm, when that ended I moved in with my now ex/roommate who never looked at me like a girlfriend and I am pretty much paying my rent through sex... we try to be friends but he is very volatile and I know he has caused trouble with my true love, the guy I met through him who broke my heart and hates my guts now... clearly he was my last chance but even he I don't think ever referred to me as "girlfriend" now I have people telling me I need to get used to being alone when I have always been alone and I have no one to turn to and no one understands that I could be homeless soon!!! I feel like if my relationship with Mike, the one who won't talk to me would have worked out I wouldn't be in this mess... and I miss him horribly and on top of wanting a place to stay I wish he would talk to me and I wish I didn't feel so damn alone. Thank you for listening...

[PinkElephants]

You might feel better if you made some positive changes in your life. Your other threads mention therapy and celibacy which are great places to start. I've gone through periods of voluntary celibacy that were great for accomplishing things like school or getting my head straight after a break up. Maybe in therapy you can address why you settled for 3 years without intimacy instead of leaving and why you surround yourself with toxic people.

 

I'm also going to venture to say that you seem angry because life hasn't handed you what you want. You seem to jump from friend to friend and man to man searching for someone to take you in and putting yourself in very vulnerable, dependent situations instead of supporting yourself. Unfortunately, if you have no options, people can do with you as they see fit and you're stuck.

 

Even now you're exclaiming that no one understand that you could be homeless and that if only things with Mike had worked out you wouldn't be in this situation. It isn't up to other people to understand that you could be homeless, it's your responsibility to prevent it. And you must have been looking to Mike to save you because you imply that he would have given you a place to stay and attention.

 

A stable job and a home you provide for yourself would probably be a good way to go. I know the money is good in nannying but it's unstable. Working in a daycare would be more reliable and you could still pick up babysitting on the side. Or maybe you can do something with your degree. No matter what, providing for yourself is a huge source of pride and self-esteem that you sound like you need.

 

I'm also going to seriously suggest not having sex for money. Selling your body is something you don't come back from. You don't want to have to explain that to your future boyfriend.

 

As far as getting over anger, why are you angry? Because people have things you don't? Because you're tired of trying to attain what comes to others? The sad reality is that no one owes you anything and they've all earned what they have. And as far as bitterness, that's a dangerous road to walk down. No one wants to hang out with the bitter girl who's jealous of everyone and mad at the world. It serves no purpose but to make your problems worse.

 

So, to sum it up, in order to feel better about yourself and not be angry I'd get a job, find an apartment alone, stay single until you're happy, not degrade yourself through sex, take pride in yourself, stop seeing yourself as a perpetual victim, become totally independent and figure out what you want in life. You're 33, there's still time. Accepting that this is all you'll ever have is defeat.

 

You can either take charge of your life or roll over and be a hooker. Then you'll be doing this same song and dance 10 years from now but it'll be worse. I'm also curious what it is that you want. You've made threads in which there isn't even a question and you say you're done fighting. Are you looking to commiserate because you're lonely or do you actually want to change your life?

[BunHeadLA]

I posted this to ask how to get rid of this anger I feel and how lonely I feel.i don't have friends and stupidly thought going online was a good idea

 

I never said I was having sex for money, I never said anyone owes me anything and giving me job advice like me looking for something in my field is obvious not helpful advice. I never said mike would save me or give me a place to live... I just miss someone I love even if I had a high paying job and a mansion I'd still miss him and I would still feel sad about things that have happened to me etc... I'd still need a shoulder to cry on, not someone instigating. Not a faceless person trying to hurt my feelings from a computer screen.

 

I am working on myself a lot which is why I've had such moments of reflection.

Edited April 15, 2015 by BunHeadLA
4 am posting on your phone can make for typos!

[todreaminblue]

hey bun head...i am sorry you feel alone....do you know that often it is people who are alone who learn how important friendship is......what it means to have a friend...you learn to appreciate friends......when you are alone....

 

i would suggest doing things you love joining groups or a church maybe or something you are truly passionate about.....it is a wonderful thing to love someone and have that person love you back....and it will happen for you.....but you have to live your life regardless of when that will happen or come to pass........

 

my faith believes we were given this human experience as a way to a higher purpose........to excel....to be successful to find joy.....to have love to be loved.....every woman deserves love and to feel beautiful.....and you will feel that.......trust me....

 

 

to stop anger to stop bitterness....give joy to have joy.......love will come.....when its good and ready to come not before....until them live your life with love and hope...and trust ....dotn waste a day in regret and anger or bitterness...our lives are too short...fill your life with what you want to attract if its love...live love.......theres a higher power at work and he is ALL love...we all have bad days....but you must see them as that a bad day....not an eternity ...just a bad day ...look forward to tomorrow....for tomorrow is bright with hope and all that is magically unknown...full of possibility...live your life..............best wishes...hugs...deb

Edited April 15, 2015 by todreaminblue

[BunHeadLA]

I also don't understand where you get I "hop" from man to man, that's laughable.

 

I am working on myself a lot which is why I've had such moments of reflection. In order to give someone "tough" love you should know them and love them. Otherwise you are a bully

[BunHeadLA]

Thanks!! I'm not a religious person so church is not the right fit.

 

I dont believe I will find love. I already did and it hurt, and I miss him everyday and have for over a year with no waining. I'd rather have friends and work However focusing on my passion is something I can do..thanks for your kind words

[SpiralOut]

I'm sorry you're going through a tough time.

 

 

Whenever I feel anger that isn't going away, I find it helpful to sit down somewhere alone and let myself feel it. Anger is a defense mechanism, something that covers up other feelings like sadness or fear or pain. Why are you really angry? Try to feel what is underneath. Let yourself feel horrible and cry if you need to. I hope that isn't lame advice, but for me, it really does help.

 

 

If you have nobody to talk to, then put yourself into the "friend" role. If you were listening to a friend tell you these things - all these things you told us now - what would you say? Say to yourself what you would say to a friend. You can say it out loud or write it down.

 

 

That's good that you have taken time to work on yourself. I think that your judgement is off and that's why you end up around so many toxic people. It's not that good people aren't out there, it's just that your compass is off. Ask yourself why you chose to be around those people.

 

 

Also, if it's possible for you to go into counselling or therapy it might help you.

Edited April 16, 2015 by SpiralOut

[PinkElephants]

In order to give someone "tough" love you should know them and love them. Otherwise you are a bully

I didn't say a single thing that was untrue; I said things you don't want to hear. There's a difference. These are the words of a person who wants unconditional pity and support, not to be called on their BS.

 

I am pretty much paying my rent through sex

i signed up for seeking arrangements

I never said I was having sex for money

Right.

 

Not a faceless person trying to hurt my feelings from a computer screen.

Right, my life is so boring I have nothing to do but heckle the 34 year old homeless lady. It couldn't possibly be that, as an objective person, I see flaws in your logic and that you're repeating the same mistakes again and again and again. It definitely wasn't that I assumed that, as a mid-30s woman, you'd be mature and not unreasonably emotional. No, I'm just another meanie who gets everything while you struggle.

 

You get rid of anger by identifying why you're angry and remedying the situation. Twice you've been asked why you're so angry and you haven't answered. You get rid of loneliness by being an attractive person that people want around by being stable and interesting. You don't like that advice; you already rejected it once. Since practically is utterly rejected here, I'll go the way of Mike and bail. I've got plans anyway.

[Taramere]

I posted this to ask how to get rid of this anger I feel and how lonely I feel.i don't have friends and stupidly thought going online was a good idea.

 

I agree with Spiral that counselling, if it's available to you, could be helpful. Online support forums can be helpful when it comes to the kind of short term problems most people face on a day to day basis. However, when it comes to more deeply rooted and long term problems a public online resource to do more harm than good. However well intentioned we all are in trying to assist, exploring issues with somebody in a public setting is more likely to result in the recipient of that assistance feeling vulnerable and emotionally exposed (anonymous setting or not) than assisted. Then you end up with the person with the problem having the sort of exchange with other posters that you've had here.

 

People can sometimes be unrealistic about what their attempts to assist will achieve. I mean obviously, somebody with a very long term problem that's caused them a lot of difficulties in life is not going to make any significant headway as a result of a couple of posts on a forum. If addressing those problems means facing up to painful things about yourself and your past, that's best done privately with a counsellor who has the skills and patience to assist - and who won't have unrealistic expectations about the speed at which progress can be made or difficult issues faced.

 

There are various books on anger management, developing emotional intelligence and learning to assert yourself effectively that, if you read them, might really speak to you. I remember years ago reading Anne Dickson "A Woman in your Own Right." To be honest, I can't remember much about it now, but I know at the time I found it incredibly helpful. I was dealing with some very difficult workplace conflicts. I read that book and various other ones. I took the bits of advice that I was impressed by, put them into practice. I didn't see results straight away. These things take time, and other people who want to retain the sense of having you "beneath" them will naturally try to sabotage your efforts to improve your situation if it threatens their own sense of power and control. You persevere, and eventually you begin to see improvements when you least expect it.

 

That usually happens when asserting yourself in an adult and effective way has started to come naturally to you. It doesn't mean being able to control or dictate the way others perceive you, speak to you - or whether they like you. It's more about being able to handle within yourself the perceptions they have...and to have the insight to recognise that a huge amount of the time people picking a fight with you or treating you poorly has far more to do with their own unresolved issues (and most people have plenty of them) than with you.

 

Anger management problems often relate to a feeling of not being in control. Addressing the anger effectively and learning to manage it can involve, in part, starting to accept that there are some things you just can't control. Mainly relating to other people's perceptions and behaviour. What you can control is your own responses to them.

 

Controlling Anger -- Before It Controls You