Anxiety. Social Recluse.

[Xiang]

Anyone with experience that can tell me how to get over these problems.

I have tried for years and it's a real problem and a burden.

I can't for the life of me talk in a social enviroment, my mind goes haywire to the point where i can't think of anything and i seem like a idiot and i even stutter...

Most of the times i'm just afraid and there's only so few people i can talk to.(2)

 

In essence this has made me to rely heavily on internet and making internet friends. I can talk over chat/phone but not in person.

This issues has not only killed many of my chances with women but friends.

 

I have to visit some Online friends for new-year, got invited. But frankly i'm scared to death, i know how big a recluse i am, i will just make it a awakward new eve and maybe even lose them as friends...or just see how weird i really am. I said yes to not lose them...and i can't say no either at this point without them getting very mad...went ahead to even buy me gifts.

 

How does one get over this ? any sort of exercise :\ i mean i tried some but nah.

[carhill]

Have you ever tried talk therapy? You can direct the process to focus on tools to both mitigate advance anxiety and process how you feel in social situations and how those emotions are acted upon in the moment.

 

One positive action which helped me was volunteering for something I enjoyed doing and then purposely putting myself in front of groups to comment or discuss aspects of it and my perspectives on it. At the beginning, I used a tool of imagining the first couple of rows of people as naked to give myself a humorous break from the specter of speaking in front of a group. Sounds odd but it worked for me.

 

Lastly, there's value in listening. It's under-rated. People will often connect with an active listener who displays interest in them. No need to be verbose. In groups of strangers I'll often wander around the room from group to group and simply listen. It's OK to not be the center of attention. It all depends how one feels about themselves. After awhile, you may find people seeking you out to find out more about you. Then you have an opportunity to use some of those conversation tools.

[mario_C]

I have the same issues and it's very difficult. Two things that have broken me out of my shell, as I've said elsewhere on the site, are Toastmasters and Meetup. The former is a kind of group therapy for practicing speaking to others, in the worst kind of scenario - making a speech - but in a gently supportive atmosphere. The latter is a social site for literally any kind of interest, activity or search for friends you can imagine (yes, they have date nights).

 

Best of luck, and happy holidays!

[skydiveaddict]

Anyone with experience that can tell me how to get over these problems.

 

I can. You start jumping and you will lose all of that. I know it works 'cause that's what I did.

 

If you do that "something" that terrifies you the most, whatever it may be, a whole new world opens up.

 

When you have lost everything, you are free to do anything.

[dichotomy]

Anyone with experience that can tell me how to get over these problems.

I have tried for years and it's a real problem and a burden.

I can't for the life of me talk in a social enviroment, my mind goes haywire to the point where i can't think of anything and i seem like a idiot and i even stutter...

Most of the times i'm just afraid and there's only so few people i can talk to.(2)

 

In essence this has made me to rely heavily on internet and making internet friends. I can talk over chat/phone but not in person.

This issues has not only killed many of my chances with women but friends.

 

I have to visit some Online friends for new-year, got invited. But frankly i'm scared to death, i know how big a recluse i am, i will just make it a awakward new eve and maybe even lose them as friends...or just see how weird i really am. I said yes to not lose them...and i can't say no either at this point without them getting very mad...went ahead to even buy me gifts.

 

How does one get over this ? any sort of exercise :\ i mean i tried some but nah.

 

 

Yoga, Tai Chi can help with anxiety. A good weight lifting routine can help with confidence and boldness as can a martial arts classes.

 

Good ideas on social groups from other posters. Also the one point made - about listening. Frankly people love talking about themselves - a few words of inquiriy, followed by "thats interesting/impressive...tell me more"...can endear you to many people and does not require you to say much.

 

Lastly if you really suffer from real heart pounding anxiety and fear - particularly around people and speaking - consider getting medical help. Beta Blockers are often prescribed to people before they speak or perform to crowds.

[Radu]

Anyone with experience that can tell me how to get over these problems.

I have tried for years and it's a real problem and a burden.

I can't for the life of me talk in a social enviroment, my mind goes haywire to the point where i can't think of anything and i seem like a idiot and i even stutter...

Most of the times i'm just afraid and there's only so few people i can talk to.(2)

 

In essence this has made me to rely heavily on internet and making internet friends. I can talk over chat/phone but not in person.

This issues has not only killed many of my chances with women but friends.

 

I have to visit some Online friends for new-year, got invited. But frankly i'm scared to death, i know how big a recluse i am, i will just make it a awakward new eve and maybe even lose them as friends...or just see how weird i really am. I said yes to not lose them...and i can't say no either at this point without them getting very mad...went ahead to even buy me gifts.

 

How does one get over this ? any sort of exercise :\ i mean i tried some but nah.

 

I had it and still have it, but not to the extent that you have it now.

I am familiar with making friends online, being better able to talk there and dreading meeting ppl in public [i actually said no many times to these meetings].

 

Reading up on social interactions, trying to explain things i understood very well and becoming aware of my body language when i did it, forcing myself out of the house [not just at night shopping when i could avoid ppl], etc ... is what i used.

It is treatable, with therapy or with just effort spent in that direction.

Technically it's a form of PD [personality disorder], but it's very treatable.

[Radu]

I have the same issues and it's very difficult. Two things that have broken me out of my shell, as I've said elsewhere on the site, are Toastmasters and Meetup. The former is a kind of group therapy for practicing speaking to others, in the worst kind of scenario - making a speech - but in a gently supportive atmosphere. The latter is a social site for literally any kind of interest, activity or search for friends you can imagine (yes, they have date nights).

 

Best of luck, and happy holidays!

 

This is very very very good.

 

I plan to do it too, to get better at public speaking and general leadership.

 

Hobbies are good too.

[Xiang]

Up until a year ago before i got my 1st gf i couldn't even speak to girls or on the phone, i admit it has gotten "SOMEWHAT" easyer but it still scares me.

I guess the best way to get rid of it is to face it...but i'm to afraid.

 

The only reason i put up with it back then was because i really wanted the gal, so i had to put my fears away.

But nothing else motivates me enough to try so i just stay in my shell...

Well thanks.

I have heard of this toastmasters site before...not sure about it.

Edited December 25, 2014 by Xiang

[Josmatjes]

You can do this. Just jump in, I know your scared but we all get scared now and then.

Just go and be yourself. If you are really close with one of your friends maybe you can talk to them about your fears. I know we are all afraid of being judged but they may surprise you.

As far as the stuttering goes, my son stutters and for awhile he didn't even talk in school but then he just said screw it and talked.mhe still stutters but it doesn't stop him from making friends and going out. If someone thinks he is weird than he just won't be friends with him.

You need to know you are special and have a lot to offer. Let other people see what a great person you are.... You can do this......

[robaday]

What are your hobbies? Or things you'd like to take up? I found this a really easy way of getting over these fears as I was just like you......finding something you are interested in and taking part in classes/activities you'll find people with similar interests to you (or at least in that one area which is enough as a conversation starter).....I took up Spanish, boxing and volunteering.....was terrified the first few times I attended any of them!!! but it's eased now....meetup is a great idea as it has a broad range of interests on there.

 

I had major issues with dating too, was completely terrified of first dates...but just forced myself to do it (like you did) - is there a way you can channel that previous experience where you got over that fear with your ex? (i.e. remember how the experience was wholly positive in order to repeat it?)....

 

finally like my mate told me recently after a complete turnaround in his personality (from heartbroken to confident and approaching women and asking for their numbers) "nothing to lose everything to gain" - that was the mantra he repeated to himself prior to any situation that made him anxious

[Xiang]

The only way i can somewhat relax in such a encounter is if i noticed that the other person is more scared/unconfortable than i am ^_^. Then i feel slightly at ease.

My hobbies involve a lot of alone time by themselves. Art drawing, fan-subbing. Reading books.

Gym? But i just keep to me.

 

Ehm yeah i've tried the whole nothing to lose bit, i just come of as creepy.

I don't have the "delivery and charm" irl as i do over teh web.

Uh well, will see.

[robaday]

Is it something you actually want to get over/get better at? or is a part of it that you enjoy being on your own?

 

 

Over the years while I got more confident around people and don't really feel nervous anymore, I still get exhausted being around people all the time.....need my downtime but recognise that is just my personality type (introverted, I get more energy from being on my own)....

 

 

If you are like me, than a big part of the problem was that I felt people were somehow better than me....more confident, more outgoing, louder, etc, women were "too attractive for me", men were too alpha etc...and the more I worried about what I said the more creepy I probably seemed....its not what they say that makes people come off as creepy, its how they say it (hunched over, nervous fidgeting, speaking quietly or uncharacteristically loud, or nervous laugh)....finding a way of just communicating to that person on equal terms helps - no one is free from insecurities, no one is perfect.....try and have more faith in yourself and accept yourself for who you are, you have cool interests in art and literature and millions of others love those too..theres reading groups and book clubs everywhere as are art classes and art appreciation societies

[Xiang]

Yeah i am a introvert and think alike to what you just said.

I need my alone time to recover, because i find socializing very tireing.

A few hours and i'm spent than actual hard labor. >_>

 

I do want to get over it, but i don't want to lose myself in the process and be a different man. Seems to happen to most...get's to their head. The confidence or w/e.

[Radu]

The only way i can somewhat relax in such a encounter is if i noticed that the other person is more scared/unconfortable than i am ^_^. Then i feel slightly at ease.

My hobbies involve a lot of alone time by themselves. Art drawing, fan-subbing. Reading books.

Gym? But i just keep to me.

 

Ehm yeah i've tried the whole nothing to lose bit, i just come of as creepy.

I don't have the "delivery and charm" irl as i do over teh web.

Uh well, will see.

 

Can you maintain eye contact ?

If you can't, try to focus on a point right between their eyes.

They will not perceive you as looking at that point, but as looking in their eyes.

 

The more you attempt socializing the better you will get at it.

Start by talking with ppl, different ppl, any ppl.

 

You can also try deconstructing ppl in your head.

One of the things that hurts and keeps you there is that deep down you think that all of these ppl are better than you; at some level of your being you assume they are ok/perfect just because you see no mistakes.

You fill in these blanks with 'perfection' ... you put them in the 'great ppl' cathegory and it creates an unbelievable insecurity in you.

Start imagining them as not perfect.

[Anela]

I deal with this, as well. A nice woman started talking to me at the samples table in the health food store. I was able to talk for a while, but I had some trouble.