My NC journey

[steveT95]

I have created this thread to document my struggles and triumphs throughout my battle of remaining no contact. I have heard it compared to an alcoholics struggle with alcohol!

I really need to write everything down and have it said so it is off my chest. Please chip in where you can and offer support, advice, guidance or a slap on the wrist if I screw up.

 

If you're interest here are two threads telling my story so far:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/382595-withdrawal-hurts-can-t-stop

 

 

 

After an argument with the ex (that I initiated due to my irritability and the fact that I could see she was more concerned about her profile picture on fb than our serious conversation) I have decided to go no contact. I finished the argument with; 'let's stop arguing, if you want to discuss this anymore then call.' Texting causes so many arguments!

 

I then went on to delete her and some other people linked to her off of facebook. It was scary but I felt better for it. I have also deleted her number off of my phone as well as every text she sends to me or has sent to me.

 

So far I have received two texts:

 

'Why have you deleted me off facebook? What is the point?'

 

then an hour later:

 

'Fine, ignore me, that's good too'

 

I deleted them without response and am proud of myself for that

Edited April 2, 2013 by steveT95

[steveT95]

Only a few hours in and I am really struggling after receiving a text. That was rather sarcastic and annoyed at me. But also thanking me for the past few months and then said 'bye.'

 

I really want to reply. I hate byes. I hate that she thanked me and it makes me feel awful, like she still wants it. I want to apologies for starting the argument earlier. I was right to be annoyed but shouldn't of said anything. I hate falling out with her when I still care so much (although I doubt she believes it.)

 

This is painful.

[steveT95]

More texts through the night that I successfully ignored. An example: 'Okay, I'm sorry, just let me now you're okay' ... 'please' They were also quite badly written to I'm guessing she's either crying or tired. At 3am I received a last text saying 'fine ignore me.'

 

I'm doing my best, not sure if I should have one last talk with her, apologies for starting the argument and then explain no contact, or whether I should just continue no contact without saying anything??

 

What gets me is the change in attitude in every text, one minute she acts like she doesn't care, then she's saying bye (which rips

my heart out) then she's pleading then she's acting annoyed. That's what's stopping me from replying at the moment.

 

This may seem pretty silly after everything, but I feel like I've abandoned her..

Edited April 3, 2013 by steveT95

[steveT95]

The longest NC period so far has been 15 hours. That's the longest in over 6 months that I've gone without contacting her, and I am pleased about that.

She called, wanting answers about why I deleted her on facebook and was ignoring her. We argued a lot but eventually got around to talking and moving on. She has told me she won't be texting because she knows this is a lot harder for me than it is for her.

 

So as of 2pm today, NC starts. Along with the beginning on the rest of my life!

 

I'm fighting hard to stay positive and not to think about the good times. I can do this!

[steveT95]

Nearly through today. Has been a struggle, thoughts keep floating around my head, thinking of things I would like to say. But I just keep reminding myself it's futile and pointless and will only disappoint those around me (including geegirl and Taramaiden, who I am sure will kick my ass!)

Was feeling pretty damned terrible until I went for a walk with my dad and talked to him about things, made me remember all the faults. I am constantly reminding myself of them now to remain strong.

[steveT95]

I have now managed over 24 hours!

 

Some ups and downs but have not been tempted to contact her.

I will admit I looked at her fb page. Immediately regretted it so won't make that mistake again. Saw she had uploaded a picture that said 'In my dreams, we're still together' made me feel like crap and miss her a bit. But I WON'T be going back to her. And she doesn't want it anyway, she'll do fine.

Probably draw in a number of poor suckers then drop them when the novelty wheres off just like all the rest!!

[steveT95]

Now managed over 48 hours.

 

She text last night 'still not talking then' and then an hour later 'please talk to me. x'

Although the initial test sent me crazy because I was trying to sleep and my mind was whirling the second made me feel in control again. I felt much better afterwards.

I have a lot of anger towards her at the moment, for the first time ever I just can't stand her and when I think about the good times I no longer wish to be living them again. Well, at least not as much as I once did.

I need to give her back her things so I have decided to wait a week until I return to college, dump it all in a bag and give it to her friends. I don't care about my stuff anymore.

 

MOVING ON

[geegirl]

Now managed over 48 hours.

 

She text last night 'still not talking then' and then an hour later 'please talk to me. x'

Although the initial test sent me crazy because I was trying to sleep and my mind was whirling the second made me feel in control again. I felt much better afterwards.

I have a lot of anger towards her at the moment, for the first time ever I just can't stand her and when I think about the good times I no longer wish to be living them again. Well, at least not as much as I once did.

I need to give her back her things so I have decided to wait a week until I return to college, dump it all in a bag and give it to her friends. I don't care about my stuff anymore.

 

MOVING ON

 

I'm so proud of you for not responding to her and wanting to move on!!!

:bunny:

[steveT95]

I'm so proud of you for not responding to her and wanting to move on!!!

:bunny:

 

Thank you

[steveT95]

Half of me hopes geegirl or Taramaiden will read this, the other half doesn't because I really don't want to getting another b*llocking.

 

I had one of those crappy ask.fm accounts and someone asked me about her, she text me annoyed that someone mentioned her on it. I ignored the text. She called and called and called. In the end I answered (I'm sorry) and she was annoyed about it and had a tone and then she was going about getting the stuff and not wanting to involve anyone else. She said if I really wanted to sort it out I could come and get it. I don't care about my stuff, said she could come to mine and her stuff would be in the porch. This made her annoyed. So..I snapped..as in really lost all self-control and told her how she thinks she is always right and better than everyone else but really she isn't then hung up. She phoned up crying her eyes out. I didn't apologies.

We spoke for a long time and she was saying how she can't bear to be ignored and really can't stand the thought of being unable to talk to me. She wanted things to be how they used to be but she also understood that things wouldn't work and that she will only make me unhappy in the long run. I know this is punishing her a lot so I no longer feel the need to get mad with her. I said if she wants to text she can, I have set my own boundaries, I won't text her unless she texts first, all contact will be a minimum and will only be responses to talk that she has initiated.

She wanted me to be friends with her on facebook again. I said no. I need time to build myself up as an individual again.

She also said she does love me (which I admit was nice to hear) but broke it off because we both want different things in the relationship

 

Despite this long conversation been a massive break in no contact and kind of made me want to go back to texting her it has made me realise that although I still care about her a great deal and, sure, it would be nice to be like things used to be, I don't want it.

I really do just want to move on and get on with my own life.

 

 

 

p.s Whilst with her my ambitions in life had dropped considerably, from wanting to move away and study abroad to wanting to move into the next town to study. I now have my ambitions back and have found career paths to strive to follow.

[steveT95]

I am being completely honest in this thread. This morning I text her good morning. Not because I had to, not because I felt I should. I just knew it would give her a little boost and make her feel better. I'm not texting her again today. I prefer no contact.

 

It's made things harder talking to her and has made me start questioning my feelings again, although I know I am better off moving on.

 

She says she can't cope with completely losing me, but I'm not going to hold her hand until she is ready to move on to another relationship.

 

I am a much stronger person and I now have my backbone back. I feel I am in control of my emotions and the situation. And that is what I need to be able to manage.

 

I will only have very limited contact with her until I feel I have developed my own life and personality again.

 

STAYING STRONG

[geegirl]

The woman is selfish. Both posts just go on and on about what she needs, what helps her, what makes her feel better, what helps her cope. She gets mad when she doesnt get her way. When I said get your backbone back, I said that for this specific reason. You know why she behaves this way? She knows you're emotionally hooked on her and that in turns makes her know she has control over you. The moment she feels you slipping, like a dog on a leash she tugs you back to where she needs you to be.

 

Not once did I hear you state your terms and do what is best for you to help you heal. I didnt hear you say, "When you chose to end it, you chose to live your life without me. You can't have me on your terms. I need to do whats best for me and tgat is to heal and move on. Please respect my wish for NC." You mould yourself to be what she wants you to be so that it caters to what she needs. And you are holding her hand at the expense of your own healing.

 

You said you won't initiate but you text to boost her ego? What foolishness is that? It's the most moronic thing I've ever heard from a dumpee. No wonder she has so much control over you.

[Minneloa]

I am being completely honest in this thread. This morning I text her good morning. Not because I had to, not because I felt I should. I just knew it would give her a little boost and make her feel better. I'm not texting her again today. I prefer no contact.

 

It's made things harder talking to her and has made me start questioning my feelings again, although I know I am better off moving on.

 

She says she can't cope with completely losing me, but I'm not going to hold her hand until she is ready to move on to another relationship.

 

I am a much stronger person and I now have my backbone back. I feel I am in control of my emotions and the situation. And that is what I need to be able to manage.

 

I will only have very limited contact with her until I feel I have developed my own life and personality again.

 

STAYING STRONG

 

Why on earth would you want to give this woman a "boost"? It is not your job to take care of her, and it only hurts your ability to move forward.

 

You are clearly conflicted here, and I appreciate your candor. However, you have to do what is in YOUR best interest. You state that contact makes things more difficult for you, and then you say that you are going to keep in limited contact. Why?

Edited April 6, 2013 by Minneloa

[steveT95]

Okay, right, time to explain my plan.

Just told her I am going to talk to her tonight. I have grown much more of a backbone since we broke up but it is still very brittle.

She texts me today about how so much stuff reminds me of her and how there is so many happy couples around.

I am going to give it to her straight (and had decided that before reading geegirl's post) I will tell her I need more time. And that I can do what I want because she made her choice when she left me.

I have felt emotionally conflicted today, a lot and hadn't been when I was no contact. Clearly that is what I need. Today I even started considering how we could make it work. But that probably isn't for the best, I need time for myself and I will tell her that.

[steveT95]

Okay, I think I have finally begun no contact *fingers crossed* I spoke to her and we were on the phone for about an hour before I managed to bring the topic up because I just enjoyed chatting normally for a bit. Eventually I had to say something because I knew it would make things worse and harder, which it did.

We had been discussing NC and she said from her experience in a break up it just stops you from getting over the person and you end up missing them a few months down the line when they have gotten over you. Thoughts???

I said I wanted very limited contact but if she was really upset she could contact me (this was probably me just making myself feel better, similar to what dumpers do when offering friendship.) But she kept turning it around and saying it in a way that did not sound good.

I told her that I didn't have to talk to her at all now we weren't together but I was doing it because I chose to so she shouldn't be getting like she was. I also said I was no longer on a lead and wouldn't come running whenever she called.

She said it was bad that I ignored her the few days that I did because she was hysterically upset. When I told her I wasn't able to know that because she only text a couple of times, she said she was to proud to text more. She needs to know that she needs to swallow someone pride if she is going to get anywhere with anyone.

 

I think what I find difficult if things been so final, I have never coped well with that. But I keep telling myself I am in control. The way she spoke last night and through today made me question whether maybe we could make it work. But tonight she was completely different. I told her her emotions were like a switch and either one or the other (obviously, once again, that was the wrong thing to say and she got annoyed,) and she went on a rant saying how people don't seem to realise she has confusing emotions too.

 

To summarise: a lot was said, both got annoyed with eachother. She turned things back on me, again. Healing wounds got torn open, again.

 

Give me strength. (Please don't call me spineless or in need of a backbone. I have been told that enough today and it is making things worse now.)

[Minneloa]

Steve,

 

You do not need her permission to go NC!

 

The more you talk with her, the more confused and conflicted you will feel. Can you see this pattern? You just have to dig deep down and find the strength to cut her off completely.

 

Sending good thoughts. I really would like to see you step away from this situation. Even after a week, I bet you will start to have a new perspective.

 

M.

[steveT95]

Thank you, minneloa. I am beginning to feel that. Everything I say or do, according to her, is wrong.

 

I regret having to very long phone calls just chatting with her, because now I am thinking of the good times and it makes me sad rather than indifferent.

 

I am worried I won't be able to get past this as quick as her. Which was her worry a day ago and not mine, I don't like how the tables have turned just because her mood does.

I have relapsed, I have lost all the progress I made over the past few rather therapeutic days and will need to work hard to get to the stage I was at. I fear this time it shall take longer.

[LoveB86]

So much to read,

 

Am not sure if you want her back, like what is your motive with this back and forth conversations? Seems like 2 chickens with no heads just running around in circles. NC works for those who want to completely move on from their ex. Those people just want to move on, like no more convos with the ex!

 

Sounds like you two are just all over the place, You guys both gotta be honest with each other, sit down and figure out where are you trying to go with this time away/breakup/reconcilation whatever it is.

 

Just saying, I cant get a text or phone call or response from the guy that

broke my heart 5 days ago. Nothing! Please, while you have a chance to communicate with one another, think about is this messing with ur head?

 

I wish I could hear his voice again, but who am I to say anything. 

[steveT95]

Yeah, it's messing with my head. I don't want her back, I know that, she knows that, but talking to her makes me question what I want.

 

I was getting through this, I was even at the stage where I could look back to the good times and not get flustered but just appreciate them. I shouldn't of spoken with her and from now it is no contact.

[steveT95]

Really struggling today. Just want her back and talk with her. For god's sake why have I relapsed so much

[geegirl]

Really struggling today. Just want her back and talk with her. For god's sake why have I relapsed so much

 

You relapse because you keep engaging.

 

NC is difficult. It's the most uncomfortable thing to go through. I can attest that in all my break-ups, it has helped me get to the other side.

 

You can feel that NC discomfort but know that it's a temporary feeling and you will get to a point of emotional freedom. Or you can pretend to NC, then engage and then NC again and be on an indefinite ride of pain.

 

It's a choice. Your choice. Not hers. Yours.

[steveT95]

I am sticking to no contact. She has put the final nail in the coffin now. No more will I do all that she wants.

 

...still hurting though. Still missing the good times which I had stopped missing.

[geegirl]

I am sticking to no contact. She has put the final nail in the coffin now. No more will I do all that she wants.

 

...still hurting though. Still missing the good times which I had stopped missing.

 

Whether you stick to NC or not, is not the question. What does NC mean to you, first and foremost? What do you hope to gain from it?

 

You'll hurt. Of course. You're grieving the end of a relationship. But it's not a good enough reason to keep engaging what hurts you. This pain at some point becomes more tolerable than the pain of getting yourself consistently disappointed and rejected. We've all gone through NC. We've all felt enormous pain. The only way to get past it is to go through it.

[steveT95]

To me, no contact is forcing myself to accept and live a life without her.

 

I regret talking to her yesterday or the day before. I felt like I had grieved and got angry and was ready to take steps to a more positive situation. I know I can do that again I just feel back to square one. For example: last night I was thinking about times we spent together and it was nice memories but they didn't make me sad knowing that it was over. But now I can't bear to think of them because it's like been kicked in the chest again.

[geegirl]

Your feelings will come in waves. One moment you're ready and determined and the next you want to run to her. All very normal. Everyone that has been through NC, will attest to that.

 

You have to accept that you will feel this way but promise that you will not react because acting on your emotions will take you right back where you started.

 

The thing is when you are hitting a low, keep going because it will pass.