drakewrites Posted November 4, 2012 Share Posted November 4, 2012 I've realized I will never be able to find a significant other as long as I keep doing this particular behaviour. I don't know why I do it and I don't know how to stop. Help. When I start talking to a pretty girl things will go great at first, we're texting, messaging on FaceBook or whatever, and then all of a sudden I'm letting her know how much I hate myself, or how ugly I think I am, or how I don't have a chance with pretty women, or this or that, until they stop talking to me. When this happens I feel a great sense of accomplishment, like I punished myself correctly, and I can move on and be happy again. Here's an example. I met this girl recently online on FaceBook. She's good friends with one of my good friends whom I used to hang out with a lot. We started chatting it up on FaceBook, and I asked if I could text her sometime, and she said sure. She seemed interested, giving me smiley faces, responding to texts, and all day we were texting. Things were actually pretty good, we had a lot of similarities and we are planning to hang out soon. Then we started talking about Halloween, and what we did. I mentioned how I should have done something this Halloween, because I didn't do anything, and when she asked why, I said it was because I have a thing for girls in high heels and pantyhose and fishnets, so "if I went out I would have just seen a lot of pretty girls I can't have so what's the point lol." She asked why I couldn't have them. Now, what I MEANT to say was that it's too unbearable for me to see a bunch of half-naked beautiful women in lingerie, but... ...immediately I felt waves of emotions go through me. I wanted to tell her things like the following: "Because, look at me? Lol." "Because I have no chance, duh." "Because I'm absolutely terrified of beautiful women." "Because I strongly dislike myself so it's hard to flirt like that." "Because I gave up a long time ago haha, I'm broken." I even typed some of these out before I deleted them. Eventually I just said it was because I'm not very suave, to which she responded, "Aw you seem like you would be...". I haven't ****ed this up YET, (or did I?) but I probably will soon. I'm already seeing the signs, and I know very soon I will make sure she knows that I'm a piece of **** to punish myself some more. I already feel like I ****ed up, so now I'm going to make sure that I do. I don't know what to do. I want to stop this behaviour but I don't know how. I don't know how it started, and it's been going on for years. I always do this. Thanks for any help. Link to post Share on other sites
Nik1 Posted November 4, 2012 Share Posted November 4, 2012 It seems to me like you hate yourself, why is that? Were you picked on a lot for your looks or something? I can only see a little bit of your avatar, you look normal enough to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author drakewrites Posted November 4, 2012 Author Share Posted November 4, 2012 I'm not really sure. This has been a trend with me for many years. Perhaps it is things I have done in the past, or something. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 I'm really glad you posted this thread because it made me realise I do exactly the same thing. With me, it seems as if I really need to tell them the truth about myself up front, mostly the bad things. If I think about it logically, there are lots of good things but I don't feel the need to tell them these things - why? It is a form of self-sabotage, true. I don't know why I do it either. I fear I won't live up to their expectations, even though I don't know what they are. It is a form of self-hatred in a way. Why do you think it started for you? Can you remember an instance which relates to it? Link to post Share on other sites
River Rain Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 You mentioned this in your other thread. If you've been doing it for years, you may be at the point where you need professional help because any kind of self-hating behaviour is based on something unresolved from the past. If you're unable to pinpoint what that is, you may need help figuring it out. Also another thing to consider is that if you know you'll do something to make a person turn off you, why are you purposely trying to meet girls if you know you'll hurt them anyway? That's not fair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author drakewrites Posted November 5, 2012 Author Share Posted November 5, 2012 I'm really glad you posted this thread because it made me realise I do exactly the same thing. With me, it seems as if I really need to tell them the truth about myself up front, mostly the bad things. If I think about it logically, there are lots of good things but I don't feel the need to tell them these things - why? It is a form of self-sabotage, true. I don't know why I do it either. I fear I won't live up to their expectations, even though I don't know what they are. It is a form of self-hatred in a way. Why do you think it started for you? Can you remember an instance which relates to it? I don't know when it started. And yes I can think of tons of instances. Once I went over to this beautiful girl's house for the first time, I got super drunk and started telling her these incredibly gross and way too honest things about myself. She wanted me to stay the night, so I guess what I was talking about wasn't enough, however I punished myself by making sure I went home instead of getting any. I can think of a dozen more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author drakewrites Posted November 5, 2012 Author Share Posted November 5, 2012 You mentioned this in your other thread. If you've been doing it for years, you may be at the point where you need professional help because any kind of self-hating behaviour is based on something unresolved from the past. If you're unable to pinpoint what that is, you may need help figuring it out. Also another thing to consider is that if you know you'll do something to make a person turn off you, why are you purposely trying to meet girls if you know you'll hurt them anyway? That's not fair. I'm not purposely trying to hurt them, I would never do that. I really do want a relationship. It's not really in my control, if I have my phone in hand or if they are in front of me, this self-hatred just comes out of nowhere and by the time I've realized it's reared it's ugly head, it's already too late and the damage is done. Link to post Share on other sites
River Rain Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 I'm not purposely trying to hurt them, I would never do that. I really do want a relationship. It's not really in my control, if I have my phone in hand or if they are in front of me, this self-hatred just comes out of nowhere and by the time I've realized it's reared it's ugly head, it's already too late and the damage is done. But that's what I mean by "purposely"...you know it's going to rear its ugly head so don't subject other people to it until you can get in under control. You don't intend on hurting girls along the way, but if you know you have this problem, then you will hurt them until you can manage it. Link to post Share on other sites
Carenth Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 As I said in your other thread I really don't think a relationship is a great idea considering your state of mind. You will end up hurting yourselves and others. I've been there and done that. I will stress again, I really think you should considering seeking professional help. There is no shame in it. I was very shameful that I had serious depression for years, my only regret is that I did not realise sooner it is ok to ask for help. Once again how can you expect for someone to love you if you don't love yourself? How can you love someone if you hate yourself? Why do you want to be in a relationship? Do you think it will make everything better if you are? These are things you really need to ask yourself in the case of the last question I can honestly say the answer is no. Being in a relationship will not be a panacea for your problems, relationships require a lot of time, patience care and nurturing. How can you offer that when you despise yourself? Even if you don't "intentionally" hurt them you will most likely "unintentionally" hurt them. How is that better may I ask? You really need to be at peace with yourself before you consider getting into relationships, doing otherwise will just lead to more pain and heartbreak. Link to post Share on other sites
IT Geek Posted November 10, 2012 Share Posted November 10, 2012 Although I don't talk to women I'm interested in this way, I do feel it inside and it keeps me from getting up the nerve to approach a woman or ask one out. I know your pain, believe me. I know my issues extend back into Jr high when I was overweight. I was that way until the summer between 9th and 10th grade I decided to do something about it. But the emotional damage was done. Even after I had lost the weight and gained muscle, I was still deathly afraid to ask a girl out because I had ingrained in my head this preconceived notion that I would get rejected. So, why bother? I did wind up getting married and then divorced after 16 years. Now, I'm overweight again (but actively losing) and my school situation still comes back to haunt me. Why would any woman want to date me when they could have a much more attractive guy, all other things being equal. Add to this that a woman I did date for a couple months broke up with me by saying "I want you, but a size 36 you" and my self esteem and confidence took a nosedive. It had nothing to do with my personality, how I treated her, or anything like that. It was purely based on my looks/weight. Link to post Share on other sites
CptObvious Posted November 12, 2012 Share Posted November 12, 2012 IT Geek, you should have asked for more time. Even if she only gives you 48 hours I can help u cut up to 25lbs. Link to post Share on other sites
sweetkiwi Posted November 12, 2012 Share Posted November 12, 2012 yes you have already ruined it. You said you're terrified of beautiful women. Implying she doesn't qualify. You said you were ugly. Which means you have no confidence. But first you said you didn't go out because you didn't want to be around barely dressed women you couldn't have. Which means you are interested in pursuing other women, while trying to chat this one up. You just put yourself in the friend zone at best. Link to post Share on other sites
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