How to maintain balance in an aggressive world

[daphne]

Recently, I've found myself overwhelmed by coworkers, friends and ex bf who are very frequently pushy, domineering and aggressive people. I tend to be someone who tries to avoid confrontation and am a little bit of a people pleaser. Maybe a lot. It's almost as if I was the middle child who tries to smooth out conflict between others. But when it's directed at me, I'm having a hard time.

 

In the past, I've allowed people to get away with less than stellar behavior, just to avoid dealing with negative, confrontational behavior. Life is stressful enough. I don't need to fight all of the time. I will even avoid confrontational people on this forum because they drive me up the wall. Some people just love to fight. I'm not one of those people.

 

Unfortunately, somehow my unwillingness to engage in combat seems to have left me more vulnerable to those that do like to bully. And that's where I am now.

 

I have recently started fighting back. And it pisses people off no end. No one likes to see someone change, especially if it means they can't get away with the same crap they used to.

 

My boss even told me, yet again several weeks ago, that he needs me to become even more assertive, more aggressive in my position. He has always implied I was too passive. I think he's right.

 

So, how does one maintain balance with the way you'd like to be, and the one you feel forced to be to deal with people who don't respect your boundaries? Today, I barked back at an employee and it was TOTALLY deserved. This weekend, I barked back at the ex, and it was TOTALLY deserved. They treated me like crap and thought I'd sit still for it. I got sick and tired of avoiding and backing down and trying to appeal to their sense of reasonability. Neither one of them is reasonable. They're just gd bullies.

 

But I don't want to be the constant barker. It wears me out. I hate it.

 

I will say, that, with one person that I had to back off of me, it did work to respond in kind. I'm just not sure I can constantly do this, and who would want to?

 

Ahhhhh... that felt good.

[ilikesunita]

Once **** occurs, state your ground at that time. It is human nature that people will get away with things if they can, and the best way not to get pushed over is not to appear as one.

[daphne]

Once **** occurs, state your ground at that time. It is human nature that people will get away with things if they can, and the best way not to get pushed over is not to appear as one.

 

I have definitely stayed my ground with all 3 individuals I am currently dealing with. And I've even doled out consequences to 2 at this point. One was a bf, he is now dumped. The other was a friend for many years that transgressed on the job. The third is this one. I'm cleaning house. But I wish it didn't have to get to this point. I feel pretty unlucky, because this is not normal.

[SpiralOut]

This is something that I struggle with too. My ex treated me like crap and no amount of standing up for myself did any good, so we're not together anymore. I now have to deal with a coworker who pushes my boundaries on a daily basis. It becomes exhausting sometimes to deal with it.

 

When I start to get tired I just remind myself of the respect that I want others to treat me with. If someone sees you putting up with crap from someone else, they might think they can walk on you too. But if they see the way you stand up for yourself (and people DO notice these things) they will respect you and they'll know to not mess with you.

 

Sometimes I wonder if it is tiresome because I am still not used to it. Maybe it's just one of those things that needs to be practiced until eventually it becomes like second nature.

[Ms. Joolie]

How to maintain balance is along the lines of my inquiry these days. For me, it's not so much maintaining balance (which I don't believe is literally possible unless one remains still, and even then), as in dealing with negative energy in my life.

 

I can very much relate to your feelings of being worn out by all the "negative, confrontational behavior." For me, I've been absolutely worn out. The stress and tension in my body from dealing with so much so-called conflict has taken a toll on me. Not similar to you, though, I don't think people around me are gd bullies. I think circumstances - life - can be gd difficult!

 

But I'm a doer, so I keep going full speed ahead, "difficult" as it may be. I am always in combat mode, always fighting against the stress and conflict and circumstances. The tension in my body can become obvious. People don't know me as fighter at all, but they sense the tension.

 

Now is my life actually difficult? No. Not unless you consider traffic, working for a living, everyday relationships and my ordinary, regular to-dos difficult. Hah. My life is far from difficult and it's embarrasing confessing that I've been all stressed out. So what's the issue?

 

I believe it's how you and I see the world, see other people. In your world, are people truly pushy, domineering and aggressive? Or is this how YOU see them?

 

My life isn't truly difficult, it's that I perceive it to be difficult. MY thought patterns create the circumstances around me to be difficult. Again and again. Granted, traffic can be stressful, but does that mean my life is difficult? Hardly.

 

My own thought patterns are creating a difficult world, in spite of my ordinary life. Your thought patterns are creating an aggressive world. Are people literally attacking you with sledgehammers and nunchucks? I doubt it! Yet you are thinking people around you are combative.

 

I think a lot of it does stem from developed patterns of thought over time, essentially from childhood. It sounds like it was important for you to smooth out the conflict as a child. You are still wanting to smooth out the conflict, or avoid it, or behave in other automatic ways for you.

 

It's going to take a lot of thought to change how you see the world and people around you, as it is for me, in order to not feel out of balance with it all.

 

In other words, when things strike you as negative and you want to avoid it... consider the bigger picture. Once you begin to see things differently, you will choose to behave differently. Once you begin to see and act differently, it becomes a whole new world.

 

You can actually choose to see people differently and act more assertive and confident. It's the thought behind the action that counts here though. It won't come easy. It takes commitment and time. It takes inquiry, and it takes creating something new for yourself and living into that new possibility.

 

I hope this helps in some way toward disarming the people around you and in living a vigorous life.

[daphne]

This is something that I struggle with too. My ex treated me like crap and no amount of standing up for myself did any good, so we're not together anymore. I now have to deal with a coworker who pushes my boundaries on a daily basis. It becomes exhausting sometimes to deal with it.

 

When I start to get tired I just remind myself of the respect that I want others to treat me with. If someone sees you putting up with crap from someone else, they might think they can walk on you too. But if they see the way you stand up for yourself (and people DO notice these things) they will respect you and they'll know to not mess with you.

 

Sometimes I wonder if it is tiresome because I am still not used to it. Maybe it's just one of those things that needs to be practiced until eventually it becomes like second nature.

 

Yes, it is exhausting. But I'm finding that it's a lot less exhausting when you show them consequences and don't back down. What's exhausting, is doing nothing and expecting people to be reasonable. Some people already are. But that's not who we're talking about. Those who aren't, aren't going to stop til you sufficiently back them off.

 

I believe it's how you and I see the world, see other people. In your world, are people truly pushy, domineering and aggressive? Or is this how YOU see them?

 

My own thought patterns are creating a difficult world, in spite of my ordinary life. Your thought patterns are creating an aggressive world. Are people literally attacking you with sledgehammers and nunchucks? I doubt it! Yet you are thinking people around you are combative.

 

People dont' have to attack me with sledgehammers and numchucks to be aggressive. People ARE hitting me physically, cussing me out, and yelling at me. 3 different people. That IS aggressive. This is not my perception.

[Ddeepprreesseedd]

Recently, I've found myself overwhelmed by coworkers, friends and ex bf who are very frequently pushy, domineering and aggressive people. I tend to be someone who tries to avoid confrontation and am a little bit of a people pleaser. Maybe a lot. It's almost as if I was the middle child who tries to smooth out conflict between others. But when it's directed at me, I'm having a hard time.

 

In the past, I've allowed people to get away with less than stellar behavior, just to avoid dealing with negative, confrontational behavior. Life is stressful enough. I don't need to fight all of the time. I will even avoid confrontational people on this forum because they drive me up the wall. Some people just love to fight. I'm not one of those people.

 

Unfortunately, somehow my unwillingness to engage in combat seems to have left me more vulnerable to those that do like to bully. And that's where I am now.

 

I have recently started fighting back. And it pisses people off no end. No one likes to see someone change, especially if it means they can't get away with the same crap they used to.

 

My boss even told me, yet again several weeks ago, that he needs me to become even more assertive, more aggressive in my position. He has always implied I was too passive. I think he's right.

 

So, how does one maintain balance with the way you'd like to be, and the one you feel forced to be to deal with people who don't respect your boundaries? Today, I barked back at an employee and it was TOTALLY deserved. This weekend, I barked back at the ex, and it was TOTALLY deserved. They treated me like crap and thought I'd sit still for it. I got sick and tired of avoiding and backing down and trying to appeal to their sense of reasonability. Neither one of them is reasonable. They're just gd bullies.

 

But I don't want to be the constant barker. It wears me out. I hate it.

 

I will say, that, with one person that I had to back off of me, it did work to respond in kind. I'm just not sure I can constantly do this, and who would want to?

 

Ahhhhh... that felt good.

 

 

Just don't care. Imagine a vastness of universe. In the end it doesn't matter what happens here.

[SpiralOut]

Yes, it is exhausting. But I'm finding that it's a lot less exhausting when you show them consequences and don't back down. What's exhausting, is doing nothing and expecting people to be reasonable. Some people already are. But that's not who we're talking about. Those who aren't, aren't going to stop til you sufficiently back them off.

 

Oh yes I agree.

 

I am wondering what do you do in your free time to de-stress? What makes you feel more energized?

[threebyfate]

daphne, hope you don't take this as an insult but on LS, you've come across as someone who can be aggressive and your back does go up if you feel someone's pushing at you.

[daphne]

Just don't care. Imagine a vastness of universe. In the end it doesn't matter what happens here.

 

I've tried that. It lasts for about 48 hours at my job. Before I want to start picking people up and tossing their bodies over my cube.

 

Oh yes I agree.

 

I am wondering what do you do in your free time to de-stress? What makes you feel more energized?

 

I used to exercise but I've been so stressed out lately I haven't felt like doing that. I'm going to start this weekend though. It's absolutely necessary.

 

daphne, hope you don't take this as an insult but on LS, you've come across as someone who can be aggressive and your back does go up if you feel someone's pushing at you.

 

It's hard to take it as an insult when I don't understand it.

 

I don't think I mentioned in my initial post that the aggressive behavior I was dealing with lately was a) a (former) bf that cussed me out over something inane b) a (former) friend and coworker hitting me at work c) a subordinate yelled at me in front of others.

 

Since it's unlike me to engage in any of these behaviors (with the exception of cussing out a few crazy poker players) I don't see how it applies.

[Art_Critic]

I have always used my 30 min car ride into and from work each day to clear my head and recenter myself and then on the weekends a day or 2 in the mountains is what it takes..

 

I found that if I recenter or refocus myself the need to fight back disappears and all is well.

 

Maybe you just need a release or a way to bring you back to your happy place each day so your stress just dissolves.

[daphne]

I have always used my 30 min car ride into and from work each day to clear my head and recenter myself and then on the weekends a day or 2 in the mountains is what it takes..

 

I found that if I recenter or refocus myself the need to fight back disappears and all is well.

 

Maybe you just need a release or a way to bring you back to your happy place each day so your stress just dissolves.

 

My happy place is away from work...

 

I will admit that each time I stop taking crap from someone, I start to feel more and more relief. I was allowing a lot of pressure to build by worrying about how to deal with the situations that i would have rather avoided. I have a feeling that things are downhill from here for a while. I hope!

 

ps my commute is about 10-15 minutes. Not enough time to listen to morning news. lol