how to not take discouraging words to heart?

[shadowplay]

I tend to have very little confidence in myself and my abilities. This in turn leads me to having a lot of difficulty motivating myself. It also means that I'm easily susceptible to discouragement. Whenever somebody says something discouraging I really take it to heart and it's hard to recover.

 

My ex knew I was getting an abortion and called me up today to see how I was doing which I thought was a sweet gesture. During the conversation I mentioned to him that I've been feeling depressed and was having some trouble motivating myself in school.

 

He said something very discouraging -- that I should basically give up my career goals and focus on another profession that I have zero interest, doesn't even pay well and wouldn't be easy to get into. His logic is that it's semi-related to one of my procrastination time wasters, so it must be my real calling. I don't think he was trying to hurt me, but it really hurt.

 

After he hung up I broke out crying. How do I not let this get to me?

[Stockalone]

How do I not let this get to me?

 

That's easy, don't talk to your ex anymore! I am serious.

 

As far as other people are concerned, it's not that simple. I do take things to heart when the discouraging words come from people I care about and respect, especially family and friends. Even when I believe they are wrong, it still hurts. And if they are right, I will take some time to decide what I should do with that new information.

 

If it is someone else, I will think about what they said and if what they said has some merit. It usually doesn't. If that is the case, I am not bothered by what they say at all.

 

I do hope you are okay after the abortion. And I hope it's okay to use the abortion for the point I am trying to make.

 

You were certain that it was the right thing for you to do and you weren't discouraged by people who are against abortions. I believe that the same principle applies to other areas of your life.

 

If you are convinced you are doing the right thing, neither your ex nor other people can discourage you. It's okay to have doubts when someone says something discouraging, because it's possible that they are right. But that's why you should always check to see if they are right or wrong.

 

If they have a point, decide what you want to do. If you don't agree with them, be firm in your convictions. And in that case, you shouldn't be so hurt by their comments. Instead, you'll see their opinion as just that, an opinion you don't agree with and then you move on without being discouraged.

[shadowplay]

That's easy, don't talk to your ex anymore! I am serious.

 

As far as other people are concerned, it's not that simple. I do take things to heart when the discouraging words come from people I care about and respect, especially family and friends. Even when I believe they are wrong, it still hurts. And if they are right, I will take some time to decide what I should do with that new information.

 

If it is someone else, I will think about what they said and if what they said has some merit. It usually doesn't. If that is the case, I am not bothered by what they say at all.

 

I do hope you are okay after the abortion. And I hope it's okay to use the abortion for the point I am trying to make.

 

You were certain that it was the right thing for you to do and you weren't discouraged by people who are against abortions. I believe that the same principle applies to other areas of your life.

 

If you are convinced you are doing the right thing, neither your ex nor other people can discourage you. It's okay to have doubts when someone says something discouraging, because it's possible that they are right. But that's why you should always check to see if they are right or wrong.

 

If they have a point, decide what you want to do. If you don't agree with them, be firm in your convictions. And in that case, you shouldn't be so hurt by their comments. Instead, you'll see their opinion as just that, an opinion you don't agree with and then you move on without being discouraged.

 

I think the problem is just that I feel so unconfident about myself that I continually doubt my convictions. Whenever I try to do something I always think to myself what if this isn't what I should be doing?

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, shadow.

I hope you're doing (physically) okay after the abortion.

His logic is that it's semi-related to one of my procrastination time wasters, so it must be my real calling.

How do I not let this get to me?

I would suggest -- why not just see it for the nutjob "advice" that it is? His "logic" on this one is flawed at best and seriously illogical at worst.

 

Even if he normally has the soundest logic and wisest advice, this is NOT an example of it. Perhaps his brain was on a break, or it malfunctioned for a split second. Whatever happened, he didn't hit the mark at all.

 

If you take another look at what he told you, as a neutral observer -- would YOU use that kind of "logic" to counsel someone to change careers?!? Just because they're feeling down and indulging in a bad habit!?!

It was total nutjob, is all. Call him up and ask, "Had you taken leave of your senses, man?!? What on earth were you THINKING???" And then you can both have a good laugh.

Or, just have a good laugh about it right here

 

---

Personally, I think he would have served you better had he counseled you to go and do something lovely and luxurious for yourself. Some serious pampering...the biggest and bestest that is in your budget (or even just a tad beyond it.)

 

Go on...you deserve it right about now! And you can always get back to figuring out that whole procrastination habit later...it ain't going nowhere, anyhow.

[threebyfate]

Rule of thumb, shadow, is, does this person have your best interests in mind? If not, any advice they give, should be taken with a grain of salt. Also, you have to consider the advice they've historically given, as well as how they live their own lives.

[Kamille]

Shadow,

 

I had an interview last week which went really well and where I established important contacts whether or not I get the job. And yet, after the first day of feeling great about the interview, I spent 4 days feeling absolutely miserable because I allowed a negative overly-critical voice to take over. I focused on the three questions which I didn't answer super well (in an interview that lasted for over 4 hours). I allowed myself to feel tortured over these moments, instead of focusing on the rest of the interview, where a few members of the committee told me I was clearly "the cream of the crop". Not only did I wallow, I also started feeling guilty because I was feeling bad, had no energy at work all week and was just generally exhausted. (I caught a cold the day after the interview, to top everything else off).

 

Was my reaction rational? Not at all. Was it a normal reaction given I was exhausted, emotionally drained from the interview and the three weeks of non-stop work I did previously to prepare for it? Yes. Can I recognize that negative voice for what it is? Yes, that inner voice is the "little me", the inner monologue I focus on when I'm not feeling well.

 

You've spent the last few weeks on an emotional and hormonal over-drive and just went through a clinical operation. Is it normal that you feel down and listless? Yes. Give yourself a break. Be tired and depressed, seek help (from people who will help, not your ex-bf).

 

Your ex-bf mirrors your own worst over-critical voice about yourself. He's done so for a long time. He has shown you time and again that he doesn't have your best interest at heart. If anything, he seems invested in wanting to bring you down. The reason you struggle to not take it to heart is because he mirrors your own negative inner dialogue about yourself. I think you should kick him to the curb once and for all, in a symbolic gesture which would be like standing up for yourself against your own overly critical inner dialogue.

[Star Gazer]

Shadow - PLEASE stop talking to your ex, particularly about such sensitive matters as abortion. It's NONE of his business... plus, every single time you talk to him, you end up feeling bad. Regardless of his motivation, why would you continue to put yourself in a situation where you feel bad?