hey_beautiful Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 I grew up in an abusive family with strong personalities. My dad is a type A, my mom is a type B, but all very strong. I have a type A attitude, but do feel very friendly and a little shy on the inside, so more type B on the inside than I show on the outside. I am a fairly abrasive person, and I don't mean to be this way, but since nature and nurture took it's course, it's the way I am. I have a hard time filtering what I say and rarely think before I speak. I have never actually insulted or hurt anyone I am friends with or just speak to at a store or something, but I find that when I am around my boyfriend and my family, the tendency to just blurt out things comes about in full force. I have a tendency to be sarcastic, which is viewed as fine by my friends, family and BF, who all have the same sarcastic sense of humor. Well, my boyfriend, who is the same way, and usually okay with it sometimes finds himself insulted, or says I am being bitchy, when I was just being the same sarcastic person. I know there is a time and place for everything, so I am trying to tone down my abrasiveness. I have been thinking about being kind, and I am not sure how to define it to myself. Is it the lack of bitchiness, or is it the lack of bitchiness with something added to it? I like the part of me that is abrasive because I don't feel like I will get hurt -- but it exudes negativity in myself. I would much rather be kinder, but I don't want to be walked all over. I have never lived with someone who was nice and not a doormat. My mom was a doormat, and I don't want to be like that for my boyfriend, who would rue the day if he ever, for a second treated me like he could do that. I guess that is what I am most afraid of. Letting my guard down, and then being trampled on. I don't know how I can keep my safety net, and yet find a way to feel kinder and act kinder. I know this is what I want, I just don't quite know where to begin. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveNeverFails Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 I can relate a lot to your post. I was very kind and respectful in school and I received respect from teachers but I was not assertive or "mean enough," to combat the kids who teased me. I felt like I had to be feisty, rude, or tough in order not to get hurt. Although, I am naturally compassionate and sensitive. I have had a hurt time filtering what I say simply because my mother did not model it herself. She would yell and scream whatever and did not show discernment or self-control. I struggle with the same thing. Assertiveness training would probably really help and it sounds like you may have some fears of intimacy (do not want to let your guard down). Let me know your thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hey_beautiful Posted June 18, 2009 Author Share Posted June 18, 2009 I don't have a fear of intimacy as much as I do a fear of being preyed upon if I seem weak. I don't mind opening up to people, but I mind opening up and acting all sweet and nice and bubbly all the time. To me, it seems like an invitation for people to disrespect you. My mom was that way, and I guess I associate those personality traits with being a person who is submissive and allows people to take advantage of them. It's silly, really, but I absolutely cannot help it. I am assertive, I just don't know how you pair kindness and niceness with a assertiveness. I have never seen it happen. Perhaps I am too caught up in my thoughts about attitudes and personalities to see clearly. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveNeverFails Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 I don't have a fear of intimacy as much as I do a fear of being preyed upon if I seem weak. I don't mind opening up to people, but I mind opening up and acting all sweet and nice and bubbly all the time. To me, it seems like an invitation for people to disrespect you. My mom was that way, and I guess I associate those personality traits with being a person who is submissive and allows people to take advantage of them. It's silly, really, but I absolutely cannot help it. I am assertive, I just don't know how you pair kindness and niceness with a assertiveness. I have never seen it happen. Perhaps I am too caught up in my thoughts about attitudes and personalities to see clearly. Just so we are on the same page, what do you mean by assertive? Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hey_beautiful Posted June 19, 2009 Author Share Posted June 19, 2009 I think I mean assertive as in being a person who speaks their opinons and ideas and can influence another person. Basically the mid point between passiveness and aggression. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveNeverFails Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 I think I mean assertive as in being a person who speaks their opinons and ideas and can influence another person. Basically the mid point between passiveness and aggression. Is it impossible to be kind and caring and assertive or just difficult? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hey_beautiful Posted June 21, 2009 Author Share Posted June 21, 2009 Is it impossible to be kind and caring and assertive or just difficult? For me, I guess I haven't really tried. But I do believe that if you are seen as "nice" you are more of a target. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveNeverFails Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 For me, I guess I haven't really tried. But I do believe that if you are seen as "nice" you are more of a target. They certainly can be. Generally, if you are grouchy or aggressive people stay away with good reason! But, you seem to have an understanding of why you fear being nice (mom was doormat) and to think you may have the same characteristics can be scary. If you grew up in a home where your mom was nice but assertive, I believe you would find it easier to incorporate this model of behavior into your own life. But since you have already seen the potential negative consequences of being nice but passive, you have associated being nice with being a target or putting others needs always above your own. However, it isnt being nice that is the problem but allowing others to walk all over you. If you do not trust yourself to be assertive, this fear of passivity will creep up. Start small. Begin to express your feelings about events. When my sister says, "you're annoying" I respond, "I feel hurt when you call me annoying. I will not accept that behavior." It sounds all stuck up but it does work. Over time, I have felt more confident with engaging in assertive ways, although I still must overcome my need for approval. unfortunately, many people believe that we should always be nice and selfless (at least my family has this unspoken rule) and to stray from this means you are "Stuckup." Well, their way isn't working and I am determined to try a different way! Link to post Share on other sites
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