narcissist?

[jefe]

I've been in a relationship on and off with a girl for several years. Typically we'll get together for a few months and everything is great. Then we'll simply stop talking all together for sometimes years at a time. It usually starts out with an out of the blue contact immediately followed by professions that she still loves me, has only ever loved me, and will only ever love me. However within weeks it becomes a running commentary of everything that is wrong with me. And apparently it's a lot. She used to cheat on me constantly but somehow it was always my fault. At what point do I decipher whether she actually loves me for real or if she just wants to possess me? I love her so much but it comes at the expense of not liking myself. When I'm not with her I feel confident about myself and enjoy life. And when I'm with her she helps to amplify those feelings. But inevitably she begins to cut me up and make every flaw I have seem like a horrible vice. Even if it's not a flaw but just a difference of opinion. I've tried talking to her about it but she refuses responsibility, saying that "it's not my fault you feel that way", or "just fix it". But I only feel that way when she brings to my attention the negative ways she feels about me. And if I say anything she accuses me of trying to make her feel awkward. I feel like it's never going to change and don't want to be with someone like that. But I also feel a love for her that I've never felt with anyone else. I've been wondering if the love I feel is simply self-loathing that's misconstrued. I don't want to lose her again. But I can't be with someone that makes me feel like I'll never be good enough. Any ideas?

p.s. - she's in grad school for psychology

[Taramere]

It sounds as though she just can't accept that you two don't have temperaments and values that mesh well together. Possibly don't have (and will never have) the type of connection that's conducive to good communication as well as passion. Rather than accept that, she's maybe pathologising you. Especially if being a psychology grad is one of her primary sources of self esteem. A kind of "here. You're broken - but fortunately for you, I'm equipped to fix it" thing.

 

If this girl was free of issues, she wouldn't keep doing this. She wouldn't keep getting back in touch with a guy who she regards as fundamentally flawed. Perhaps your main flaw, in her eyes, is that she loves you - and that makes her feel vulnerable. Angry even. I don't care how well versed she is in psychology - she's the one who keeps going back to you with professions of love. It would be better for her to take responsibility for her mixed up feelings rather than pass all the blame onto you for them.

 

That said, you also have power and responsibility in amongst all of this. If the girl's continually in this love-hate cycle with you, and isn't showing any signs of addressing it, then you have the power to finish the relationship for good. But you don't want to, because of all the feelings you have for her. You're both very conflicted, from the sound of it. Regardless of how the participants prefer to view it, these situations aren't generally a case of one perfectly reasonable and balanced person versus one screw-up.

[The Collector]

It's a test and a power-play. Some women will always be trying to undermine you, criticize you, disrespect you, just to see if you are a spineless wimp who will do as they are told. If you submit, you'll either get dumped or abused further as their respect for you dies.

 

She is also attempting to raise her value by denigrating yours. Don't know if they teach this is Psych, but it's a common power tactic used by both sexes.

 

You can either avoid these types (though most if not all women test in some ways), or tell them to shut up/love it or leave it/spank them, etc. What women want is a man who won't take their ****. But some women just take it too far and it gets old and tiresome.

[jefe]

The power play has always been there. Though honestly I find that to be an integral aspect of any relationship. It's not a matter of getting pushed around. That doesn't really happen. It's a matter of being invalidated and getting fed up with the constant barrage of what she feels is wrong with me. And it's not limited to personality. If I like a Modigliani painting and she doesn't it's never simply a difference of opinion. It's that I like **** and I feel superior for appreciating it. When in reality to me it's just art. I'm not a scholar. And I certainly don't act like one. And I understand that her belittling me is just a reflection of her being so insecure. Which is something I never understood about her. She's smart, beautiful, funny, sexy, and has a seemingly infinite number of close friends and family to support her. Yet it's me she comes to when she needs someone to talk to. But at the same time it's like I represent something that brings out the most cynical aspects of her personality. Which in turn makes me feel bad because I get convinced that it's something I did. And what ends up happening is I leave her and she contacts me down the road after we forgot what happened only to have the same vicious cycle resume.

[kizik]

I had a similar relationship. The only way to save yourself, and what's left of your soul, is to remember her dramatic, crazy ways, and avoid the trap in the future. She will use her beauty and sexiness to try to get at you - and you being a guy, well, unless you think with the smarter head, you're going to fall for it.

 

Always having someone criticize you is a form of verbal abuse. Nothing less. It's pretty serious, and it is not OK.

[Ronni_W]

I've been wondering if the love I feel is simply self-loathing that's misconstrued.

Kind of sounds more like that, doesn't it? -- emotional masochism, if you will.

Also a flag that you view power plays as integral to a relationship -- harmony and MUTUAL respect, admiration, good self-image and feelings, etc., are integral to healthy relationships, whereas "power plays" seek for one or the other to have an upper hand.

 

Genuine love will not require/demand that you dislike your Self...it will actually inspire and encourage you to like yourself even MORE, feel MORE confident and competent, etc.

 

That said. She obviously has been helping you to support your own (distorted) views of love and relationships...that has been her role and, within context, she has been playing it well. So, it will feel scary to "lose" that half because it is integral to upholding your current beliefs about all of it. (It's not so much her-the-person as the dynamic that she contributes, which you fear losing.)

 

Since you have started sensing that there may be something else at play for you (self-loathing and related), and once you get to the bottom of that, you won't need this kind of relationship --you'll likely be looking for someone who can offer you a more positive, self-affirming partnership.

 

Truth is that her psych background doesn't necessarily make her a good relationship partner. Psychologists are great with theory, research, text book mental disorders and abnormalities...but 'emotional intelligence' and 'human relations' are not part of the core curriculum. I'm not even sure if there is a requirement for mandatory personal therapy so they can get a handle on their OWN issues, fears and triggers.

 

For your personal work, I'd suggest a psychotherapist -- someone who specializes in emotional awareness and healing (not someone who is more familiar and comfortable treating mental disorders.)