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I'm not ugly so why do I have a hard time getting a man/keeping one?


Physical Fitness, Health & Weight Management Staying fit and physically healthy is essential! Remember, we aren't subsitutes for your physician! As always, talk to your doctor before following any suggestions or advice!

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Old 24th September 2017, 7:37 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by Eternal Sunshine View Post
It wasn't until I watched a video of myself that I realized I had a resting b*itch face
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Old 24th September 2017, 7:46 AM   #17
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So I will say as pointed out you need to start
dating different types of men


I can overlook a lot of things in a woman.
I can find a woman attractive whether
she wears a 32 A bra or 36 D.

I would prefer a woman to be shorter than
me but could be with a woman my height
or even a taller one.

Thing is I can not overlook and ignore that
a woman is overweight. This is something
that you can work on.

Also I find the longer the hair a woman's
attractiveness increases.

So eat healthy, exercise, skip the barber.
Then go after a new type of man.
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Old 24th September 2017, 12:13 PM   #18
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I have RBF, too.

It's when your natural face in repose looks angry, sullen.
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Old 26th September 2017, 12:11 PM   #19
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My first thought was to work on your self esteem and what a healthy relationship looks like. I personally found Natalie Lue's blog called baggage Reclaim very helpful for learning this.

My suspicion it's between your lack of self esteem (which makes you come across as a doormat who can be toyed with) and the types of men you're choosing.

For attractiveness, there's a lid for every pot. Funny thing is I probably got more men when I was a little heavier than when I was really skinny. I believe attitude and being approachable are huge in attracting men.
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Old 1st November 2017, 3:21 PM   #20
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Try asking a past partner. Many times others view us differently than we view ourselves. It has been proven in many studies that people think they are better than they really are until given the same tasks as others and can measure their success against the others. Even then, people tend to minimize their failure and finding reasons why the others are better.

Almost every person I fired told me that they thought that they were the best worker in the company. Surely we do not fire our best workers. There are women and men out there who think they are hot when the rest of us think not. My sense of humor is often seen as sarcastic and not as I intended it. I thought I was just not bad to look at and yet I found out later that girls thought I was hot. Wish I knew that back then. My point is that we are not good judges about who we are and how others perceive us.

Sometimes a therapist can help. I saw a Psychologist at one time and learned a lot about myself. Things I never saw in myself that she saw. She diagnosed me with a Machiavellian personality which is often seen as manipulating people to get them to do as I want them to do for my benefit. She said it was so strong that despite her knowing it, she found herself being manipulated by me and could not help it. I viewed it as arranging things so that I would benefit by giving others a benefit for helping me. Seems that even though a person got something they never would have received if they did not do as I guided them to do, they resented that I got more than they did. I saw it as them getting something they never would have gotten at all.

Just a few examples of how we can view ourselves one way while others view us differently. You need to find a way to take a realistic view of yourself. Not saying you have to change if you do not want to. However, by having a realistic view of yourself you are better armed to seek those that are a better fit for you than maybe the people you are currently attracted to.

It took me awhile to figure out the type of girl who was a good match for me, and when I did that, I got engaged to her 3 weeks after we met. She was not the type of girl I was usually drawn to. She was a virgin at 19 and unlike the girls I dated. It was instant love and it took a year of combat living with a lot of men and facing death daily to get a realistic view of myself and not who I thought I was. We are married 45 years.
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Old 3rd November 2017, 3:49 PM   #21
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My wife is 5'11 and her weight has varied.. I would say while single it was in the 200-220. She carries weight mainly in her belly,waist/rear rather than her face. She has a pretty face and is approachable. However she became very outgoing and fearless after being shy and reserved. During her dating/wild time she had no problem getting dates (or sex) involved with guys of all sizes.

However only a few expressed interest in LTR's - I would meanly say these were the kind of reserved geeky guys she dated that wanted a LTR.

The others (mostly good looking or outgoing guys) wanted shorter term or wanted to settle into FWB/FBs.

25 is till young enough that many people are still shopping and not committing to long term. I would say work on your spirit, confidence, and social skills.

However it seems that long term committed relationships are not the "in thing" these days for younger (up to 30) folks in the USA.
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Old 3rd November 2017, 5:47 PM   #22
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I hate to say it but being pretty and too good of a person can be a handicap of it's own. You're not the only pretty girl who is sitting alone on weekends wondering why. It's one of those unfair, ironic facts of life.

The media does a lot to perpetuate the stereotype of the pretty one being the b**** you can't trust, vacuous and vain... it influences people more than you realize and has direct consequences for all of us IRL.
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Old 3rd November 2017, 5:52 PM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Steve51 View Post
Try asking a past partner. Many times others view us differently than we view ourselves. It has been proven in many studies that people think they are better than they really are until given the same tasks as others and can measure their success against the others. Even then, people tend to minimize their failure and finding reasons why the others are better.

Almost every person I fired told me that they thought that they were the best worker in the company. Surely we do not fire our best workers. There are women and men out there who think they are hot when the rest of us think not. My sense of humor is often seen as sarcastic and not as I intended it. I thought I was just not bad to look at and yet I found out later that girls thought I was hot. Wish I knew that back then. My point is that we are not good judges about who we are and how others perceive us.

Sometimes a therapist can help. I saw a Psychologist at one time and learned a lot about myself. Things I never saw in myself that she saw. She diagnosed me with a Machiavellian personality which is often seen as manipulating people to get them to do as I want them to do for my benefit. She said it was so strong that despite her knowing it, she found herself being manipulated by me and could not help it. I viewed it as arranging things so that I would benefit by giving others a benefit for helping me. Seems that even though a person got something they never would have received if they did not do as I guided them to do, they resented that I got more than they did. I saw it as them getting something they never would have gotten at all.

Just a few examples of how we can view ourselves one way while others view us differently. You need to find a way to take a realistic view of yourself. Not saying you have to change if you do not want to. However, by having a realistic view of yourself you are better armed to seek those that are a better fit for you than maybe the people you are currently attracted to.

It took me awhile to figure out the type of girl who was a good match for me, and when I did that, I got engaged to her 3 weeks after we met. She was not the type of girl I was usually drawn to. She was a virgin at 19 and unlike the girls I dated. It was instant love and it took a year of combat living with a lot of men and facing death daily to get a realistic view of myself and not who I thought I was. We are married 45 years.
This is very interesting and very true. It's very hard to see ourselves clearly, and accurately, isn't it? Yet even at that, others opinions of us are also just opinions... not necessarily facts... we're all looking for a road map to steer us through life... we'll never get one.
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Old 3rd November 2017, 7:20 PM   #24
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Looks have nothing to do with it. You probably do come off as intimidating because of your height/stature. But not ALL men like short or skinny women. In fact, most women in America are overweight and short. Every guy isn't going to get the "hot girl" I have seen overweight women snag attractive men who love them. And I know women with "hot bodies" who get used for sex or money.

You do attract attention so clearly some men do find you attractive. You just haven't been the right man yet, which is hard for most women regardless of looks. You should try do hang out in different areas, take different hobbies or even try online dating. Also, smile more, it can make all the difference!

And you sound very nice. I suggest reserving that for men who are worth it and show that they care and respect you. Don't be very nice to all men or even most.

Also, IDK if you care about IR dating but many Black/Latino/Arab men like bigger women. I noticed white men tend to prefer skinny women. I am generalizing but that's just what I notice.

Also, you shouldn't date until you are more secure in yourself. Men can sniff that out and some will try to use you because of that. If weight is a big thing, try to work out and eat cleaner. Get a gym membership and see a dietician.
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Old 3rd November 2017, 7:23 PM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by road View Post
So I will say as pointed out you need to start
dating different types of men


I can overlook a lot of things in a woman.
I can find a woman attractive whether
she wears a 32 A bra or 36 D.

I would prefer a woman to be shorter than
me but could be with a woman my height
or even a taller one.

Thing is I can not overlook and ignore that
a woman is overweight. This is something
that you can work on.

Also I find the longer the hair a woman's
attractiveness increases.

So eat healthy, exercise, skip the barber.
Then go after a new type of man.
That is you. There are PLENTY of men who like bigger woman. Some men can overlook a overweight woman. Most Americans are overweight,lol. Also, most men do like long hair but some men don't care about that stuff.

Looks can only go so far and will not sustain a relationship.
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Old 4th November 2017, 1:15 AM   #26
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OP, how do you physically feel most of the time?

I know body acceptance is important, but I'm the same height as you and have always carried more weight than you'd think to look at me. A few years ago, I basically stopped exercising and ate like crap for about a year, jumping up to the low 240s.

Forget the superficial aspects: I FELT physically awful on the inside. Tired, cranky, sore. It wasn't fun, aside from the times before and during eating junk food.

It might be unpopular to say, but I think you should make some sensible dietary changes and maybe get some more physical activity. When I'm doing this, I just feel better and have a much more positive mindset.
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Old 4th November 2017, 6:11 AM   #27
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One of the things about being a gal - is no matter your body type there is a subset of men getting hard over it.

Go to any Pron site - and you will see sections for big, and even super big women. Also midgets, old, black, white, Latino, Muslim, small breasts, big breast, etc... you get the point.

Also plenty of tall or big tall guys out there.

but getting laid and having a long term BF is a different issue.
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Old 4th November 2017, 8:45 AM   #28
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This post really resonated with me because I've also had the same problem.

Like you, I'm 25. I'm also tall, 5'11, 135 lbs. I'm athletic, I've always dressed very well, ate super clean, and took good care of myself. I have a good taste in clothes, wear jewelry and perfume, and look impeccable with not a hair or thread out of place. Yet I've always struggled to keep a man too.

Eventually I also developed a problem of being overly self critical- I too would analyze my cuticles, panic over any zit that sprouted on my face, worry about my large pores or the fact that sometimes I got ingrowns on my legs after shaving. I spent a lot of time plucking my leg and arm hair out one by one, cutting off any split ends of my hair I could find, reading every beauty article I could get my hands on believing that someone would tell me the magic trick on how to attract men. Any minute detail that would make me "not perfect" would worry me. Despite the fact that all around me, other "not perfect" women were getting into relationships and finding good men who treated them well so clearly, men don't notice these details like cuticles.

I don't think there's anything wrong with your weight or body type. A close friend of mine is short and overweight, and has never had any problems finding men. Another friend has had really bad cystic acne on her face, and wears pounds of makeup, but men throw themselves at her and she's always had them lining up on her doorstep. As long as I've known her, she's always had multiple guys interested in her at any time.

You need to look for the validation you seek within yourself. You shouldn't feel like you need to rely on a guy to make you feel pretty. You need to KNOW you're pretty. Its not someone else's job to convince you that you are.

I think you are placing too much importance on men and whether they are interested. You are letting this define you. You are so young! If you look on this website, there have been many posters who also struggled with relationships, and dated abusive men, cheating men, etc. And eventually found the perfect guy and got married to him.

You're probably also focusing on the attention other men give other women because of the insecurities that you have. I found I was often downplaying the number of men who were interested in me, and focusing on the number of men interested in my female friends because those men weren't interested in me as well. But the thing is, there are a lot of men, with varied tastes. Some men might like how your friends look, and some men will like how you look. You need to be patient. You're not a 40 year old spinster so you don't need to keep picking yourself apart trying to figure out why you're not with the perfect guy yet. You only need ONE guy, so it doesn't matter whether there are droves of men running after you or not.

I think you need to spend some time cultivating your interests. What do you like to do? What do you want to do but haven't tried doing yet? I found that I was obsessing over my looks because I wasn't spending my time doing anything else. My mind wasn't being occupied. So I started salsa dancing, which gave me a lot of confidence because there are a lot of men who come to social dancing events and they would give me a lot of attention. I also started going to the gym, trying new recipes, listening to music, volunteering, and generally filling up my time so that I wouldn't be browsing through pictures of my friends on facebook and wondering why they are worthy of dating men and I'm not. You need to learn to love yourself. And doing the things that make you happy and make you feel good about yourself is a start. I would also talk to a counsellor about your issues.

I've noticed that there are a lot of ugly, mean, stupid people who get into relationships and find love. Its not as impossible as you think. Please don't feel discouraged. I know its hard not to dissect yourself when a guy dumps you, but it really doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you especially at such a young age.
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Old 4th November 2017, 10:35 AM   #29
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueIvy View Post
Looks have nothing to do with it. You probably do come off as intimidating because of your height/stature. But not ALL men like short or skinny women. In fact, most women in America are overweight and short. Every guy isn't going to get the "hot girl" I have seen overweight women snag attractive men who love them. And I know women with "hot bodies" who get used for sex or money.

You do attract attention so clearly some men do find you attractive. You just haven't been the right man yet, which is hard for most women regardless of looks. You should try do hang out in different areas, take different hobbies or even try online dating. Also, smile more, it can make all the difference!

And you sound very nice. I suggest reserving that for men who are worth it and show that they care and respect you. Don't be very nice to all men or even most.

Also, IDK if you care about IR dating but many Black/Latino/Arab men like bigger women. I noticed white men tend to prefer skinny women. I am generalizing but that's just what I notice.

Also, you shouldn't date until you are more secure in yourself. Men can sniff that out and some will try to use you because of that. If weight is a big thing, try to work out and eat cleaner. Get a gym membership and see a dietician.
i'm her height but 100 pounds less, so in all honesty i think the OP would look pretty intimidating at that height and weight to a lot of men. even at 5'10 and 130 i sometimes feel gigantic. for women who are significantly taller there can come a sense of not feeling attractive/feminine/pretty because you just don't have that petite look that men of many races gravitate towards. the OP might be down on herself for a variety of reasons but as a taller woman a definite part of that comes from the height, and if the weight is that high it wouldn't help. a fitness/healthy eating plan would build confidence, for a start. but i have never - as a tall woman - had trouble finding a bf, ever. there is someone for everyone but positive changes to help the body image make you feel so much better about yourself and how you come across to others
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Old 5th November 2017, 1:48 PM   #30
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It's not a matter of appearance. There will always be people who think you look ravishing. The problem is attracting people who actually like and respect you. You see, I've been in your shoes my whole life. I get men interested in me and when they get to know me better they re turned off by how needy i am (I dont even have to do anything, they just sense it).

My love history has always been like this, each and every time:
1) me being desperate for some guy's attention
2) managing to somehow get his attention and interest
3) me being overly giving. but having the feeling the other person is with me for convenience and just because im there
4) me feeling sick of myself and smothered by my own feelings, breaking up with the person one good sunny day and never seeing them again. Just to save me some dignity.


Truth is, im a miserable person. And i always wanted someone to save me from my misery. To prove me that im worthy of being loved and valued like everyone else. I think this basic human need is so amplified on me that makes me seem disgusting. I don't really know how to handle this so I avoid boyfriends alltogether. Hopefully I will gather the courage to try again soon.
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