Driver Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 For the past four years, I have struggled with an eating disorder. Just before college, I weighed 118. At 5'8", I realize that is pretty tiny, but it was natural for my body, and I ate whatever I wanted. Then after my freshman year, I noticed my weight was at 125. I freaked out, and after some questionable looks from my mother, I began to get insecure about my weight...and it was then that my four-year-long struggle with anorexia and bulimia (mostly bulimia...pretty extreme binges) began. I whittled my way down to 110, then hit 120 again, then 130, and over the past six months I've been in a new relationship and finally happy. I've gained another five or ten pounds, and now I am almost at 140. The sad thing I've just been getting negative feedback about my weight. My mom makes comments like, "You don't need two pieces of bread" or gives me her old pairs of "fat pants" to wear temporarily so I don't have to buy new clothes while I am at this bigger size. Then I just discovered that my best friend has been talking about me behind my back...saying that I have gained so much weight that now even she is skinnier than me, that I have a small frame but a lot of "excess fatty tissue." I'll talk openly with my mom and dad about going on a low-carb diet to lose weight, and no one protests or tells me I look fine the way I am (everyone except my boyfriend, who tells me I look sexy all of the time and doesn't encourage any of this). All of this really hurts coming from people I care about. I know it's because I am less attractive now that I am heavier, and these people see it. It's been hard to be okay at a heavier weight...and the sad thing is I feel like I am even more accepting of it than everyone else in my life. Part of me wonders if I am delusional about how I look. I notice I do look quite chunky in pictures but I don't see it when I look in the mirror every day. What if, just as I was delusional when I was super skinny and felt I looked normal, I have gotten chunky and less attractive and am not seeing it? Is it possible that 140 pounds is too much for my frame, especially considering I was 120 pre-eating disorder? It sucks to be concerned about such a petty thing...I've been trying to live my life and place less emphasis on my weight. But it's hard for me to look forward. Link to post Share on other sites
SmileFace Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 I can only wish to be 140 - we are the same height. Anyway I hope you get some thing figured out. Link to post Share on other sites
tman666 Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 That sucks that you've gone through that, and I'm sorry to hear that your own flesh and blood seems to be adding to the problem. I'm not real experienced with eating disorders, but I would say that you need to make sure you're surrounding yourself with people who positively influence your life, even if it means distancing yourself from family. You might also look into some therapy to help you sort through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Ross MwcFan Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 Doesn't sound like you're that much overwieght. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 When you look in the mirror you see what you want to see, but in photos you see what other people see. Instead of going by the scale, which is meaningless, buy a tape measure and take your measurements to get a better picture. However, if you and your boyfriend like you at a heavier weight, then it's nobody's business. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 Did you ever do counseling? If so, did the rest of your family get involved and learn how to cope with someone with an eating disorder? I can tell your mom didn't because her on going comments are making it worse. You need positive support and positive energy around you. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 Throw out your scale and buy some cute clothes that fit you so you don't have to wear your mothers clothes. That's probably what's making you feel unattractive. I struggled with bulimia too and my weight shot up initially but it tapers off. Go by how you feel instead of the number on the scale. Please throw your scale out soon. Do your friends and family know you had an eating disorder because if they do, their comments on your weight are pretty damn insensitive? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 (edited) For the past four years, I have struggled with an eating disorder. Just before college, I weighed 118. At 5'8", I realize that is pretty tiny, but it was natural for my body, and I ate whatever I wanted. Then after my freshman year, I noticed my weight was at 125. I freaked out, and after some questionable looks from my mother, I began to get insecure about my weight...and it was then that my four-year-long struggle with anorexia and bulimia (mostly bulimia...pretty extreme binges) began. I whittled my way down to 110, then hit 120 again, then 130, and over the past six months I've been in a new relationship and finally happy. I've gained another five or ten pounds, and now I am almost at 140. The sad thing I've just been getting negative feedback about my weight. My mom makes comments like, "You don't need two pieces of bread" or gives me her old pairs of "fat pants" to wear temporarily so I don't have to buy new clothes while I am at this bigger size. Then I just discovered that my best friend has been talking about me behind my back...saying that I have gained so much weight that now even she is skinnier than me, that I have a small frame but a lot of "excess fatty tissue." I'll talk openly with my mom and dad about going on a low-carb diet to lose weight, and no one protests or tells me I look fine the way I am (everyone except my boyfriend, who tells me I look sexy all of the time and doesn't encourage any of this). All of this really hurts coming from people I care about. I know it's because I am less attractive now that I am heavier, and these people see it. It's been hard to be okay at a heavier weight...and the sad thing is I feel like I am even more accepting of it than everyone else in my life. Part of me wonders if I am delusional about how I look. I notice I do look quite chunky in pictures but I don't see it when I look in the mirror every day. What if, just as I was delusional when I was super skinny and felt I looked normal, I have gotten chunky and less attractive and am not seeing it? Is it possible that 140 pounds is too much for my frame, especially considering I was 120 pre-eating disorder? It sucks to be concerned about such a petty thing...I've been trying to live my life and place less emphasis on my weight. But it's hard for me to look forward. This is what my mum told me harsh as it was people will judge you by first impression thats reality they will stay for a while if you are interesting enough but to keep them long term it is better to stay as close to first impression as possible.....now this is what she told but also what she showed me.....lol....now here is the irony the freaky part that seems to happen to me a lot......i like to make people around me happy so i do my very best....to live up to expectations until someone else is in trouble i panic, have to help them go in for the bat i just dont stop....probably why i got so pissed in the navy i couldnt be a qmg and go front line defense...females not allowed...its different now.........anyway this is what i want to say, my ex left me for a taller bigger wider rather large..... and older as well.....i think that is worse because the reason why he left wasnt the way i look it was simply me.....im just too hard to manage....so dont you worry you can do what you want to do or not do....looks arent everything....i just proved that in my situation if i cant help the person, that is what spirals me down...burn out.......its called altruism..and it can kill relationships to have this trait...be kind to yourself first....realise your mother is trying to protect you from being hurt by others its a defense mechanism ....i do it to my girls all the time ...push them to be active.....so i dont kick some teen boy butt and have to serve ten years.....im kidding....maybe not..it is not a direct criticism ..its a safety mechanism..if you listen to her you will forgo your own happiness and if you have happiness now......keep it for as long as you can....life is short..my girls i make feel good about them selves as well i push by emotional manipulation.....like this....sigh i really need some company on a walk tonight ....sad eyes downcast...big grin when they accept....they come and we have a good time.fresh air does wonders.....best wishes to you....your boyfriend loves you doesnt he.... there is your happiness he is giving it to you.see what he sees......so love yourself and dont worry, your mum will stop when you find that spunk in your walk....the bounce of confidence.....i have perfected the bounce....i can act i tell ya....no grammy though.sigh...just rottie saliva..she is a kewwt rottie though...best wishes ....deb..... Edited July 28, 2012 by todreaminblue Link to post Share on other sites
Forever Silent Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 For the past four years, I have struggled with an eating disorder. Just before college, I weighed 118. At 5'8", I realize that is pretty tiny, but it was natural for my body, and I ate whatever I wanted. Then after my freshman year, I noticed my weight was at 125. I freaked out, and after some questionable looks from my mother, I began to get insecure about my weight...and it was then that my four-year-long struggle with anorexia and bulimia (mostly bulimia...pretty extreme binges) began. I whittled my way down to 110, then hit 120 again, then 130, and over the past six months I've been in a new relationship and finally happy. I've gained another five or ten pounds, and now I am almost at 140. The sad thing I've just been getting negative feedback about my weight. My mom makes comments like, "You don't need two pieces of bread" or gives me her old pairs of "fat pants" to wear temporarily so I don't have to buy new clothes while I am at this bigger size. Then I just discovered that my best friend has been talking about me behind my back...saying that I have gained so much weight that now even she is skinnier than me, that I have a small frame but a lot of "excess fatty tissue." I'll talk openly with my mom and dad about going on a low-carb diet to lose weight, and no one protests or tells me I look fine the way I am (everyone except my boyfriend, who tells me I look sexy all of the time and doesn't encourage any of this). All of this really hurts coming from people I care about. I know it's because I am less attractive now that I am heavier, and these people see it. It's been hard to be okay at a heavier weight...and the sad thing is I feel like I am even more accepting of it than everyone else in my life. Part of me wonders if I am delusional about how I look. I notice I do look quite chunky in pictures but I don't see it when I look in the mirror every day. What if, just as I was delusional when I was super skinny and felt I looked normal, I have gotten chunky and less attractive and am not seeing it? Is it possible that 140 pounds is too much for my frame, especially considering I was 120 pre-eating disorder? It sucks to be concerned about such a petty thing...I've been trying to live my life and place less emphasis on my weight. But it's hard for me to look forward. Congradulations on overcoming your eating disorder. I know how hard it came be trying to be healthy in a world where everyone expects you to be someone else. The best advice I can give you is to love yourself. If you are happy with the way you feel, then it does not matter what any other person thinks about you, even sometimes your family. Also you are 5'8 which is quite tall for a woman so I am sure 140 fills you out perfectly. Link to post Share on other sites
RiverRunning Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 140 is a reasonable, average weight (healthy for 5'8", according to the BMI, ranges from 122 pounds to 164 pounds. You're almost right in the middle). Rarely do eating disorders develop in a vacuum. You mentioned that some of your mother's looks/comments seemed to be a trigger for the development of your eating disorder. Do your parents know about your eating disorder, or did they just think that you lost and gained weight? If they know you had one, their comments today are irresponsible and nuts. If they don't, they may be entirely clueless to how devastating and destructive their behavior is. I am not a fan of anybody telling a teenager or a grown adult, "You can't HAVE two pieces of x." If you think it would help, it may be worth it to get into counseling with your family. Maybe they're unaware of their behavior. They can start to develop nurturing behavior patterns that will keep you from self-destructive behavior again in the future. Did you ever get counseling for the eating disorder in the first place, or did you overcome it on your own? In any case, one-on-one therapy may not be a bad idea to help you cope. OP, you have to learn to really tune out the outside world. Do you feel healthy? Do you have high blood pressure, glucose, cholesterol? Are you physically active? If all of that checks out...try not to worry so much about how your body looks, but how it feels. Everybody is going to like something different. Unfortunately, we live in a very eating disordered society of extremes: eating everything in sight, never exercising, or exercising/monitoring eating and being very, very thin. I have seen men who say they never want a woman who weighs more than 90 or 100 pounds, regardless of her height. And I've met men who think that a woman under 200 pounds is disgusting. At the end of the day, your opinion matters most. For what it's worth, I don't think that 140 pounds is overweight in the least. You like your body...your boyfriend likes it...end of story. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 over the past six months I've been in a new relationship and finally happy. I've gained another five or ten pounds, and now I am almost at 140. Geez, this was such an awe-inspiring post through the part above, then you let the outside world start affecting you... Do whatever it takes to cease caring about what those others (including your mother) think. They are toxic to you. (doubly so if an eating disorder has been involved) Link to post Share on other sites
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