Dealing with a Heroin Addict

[crazychick]

I need some advice. A couple of years ago, I was dating this guy and we had a lot of fun together. We would just do the normal couples thing, hang out at his house, go to movies, get dinner, whatever. Over the summer he started acting weird, disappeared for a weekend, seemed a little distant. This caused some problems with us. Towards the end of the year we were fighting all the time. We broke up. He calls me to tell me he doesn't want to talk to me for a while, which at this point I am fine with because I was so pissed at him. Then a day later he calls me and he says he is really sick and would I bring him some Motrin. I didn't want to go over there but he sounded really awful. When I got there he told me that he was addicted to Heroin, that he has been smoking it for months and that he is going thru withdrawl. I had no clue he was doing this, so I was really freaked out. I helped him get thru the next few days, it was awful. We didn't get back together or anything, we just tried to stay friends, I just wanted him to be ok.

 

This past year was horrible with him. We were not seeing each other - in fact he started dating someone else for a little while - but she broke up with him after he got drunk, drove his car off the road and ended up getting a dui. It wasn't long after that that the heroin started again. He was doing it on and off all year. And he was really nasty to me, just mean. We got in a huge fight and I just stopped talking to him. I decided I could not deal with this stuff he was doing to himself, and he wouldn't get help. It was incredibly painful for me. We didn't talk for months. Then I got a letter from him saying how sorry that he was and how he wishes we could have stayed friends. I accepted his apology but I didn't want to get back into his life and go thru all of that again, so we didn't really talk that much.

 

Last week I get this email from him saying that his habit is out of control. He is doing $100 a day of heroin (I have no clue how much that is, but I am guessing a lot) and he tried to detox before christmas but they just gave him more (maybe they gave him methadone?) and he was at his parents house and feeling goooood. I was so pissed. I told him that I hoped he was proud of himself and that he needs to stop doing this to himself, to me, and to his family. Since his family lives out of town - they have no clue what he is doing. He is one of those people who can function normally and do drugs. He has a job and he is very good at it and gets paid well. And the money he makes goes to heroin.

 

Then last night he calls me. He tells me that he is so sorry. That he ruined christmas for everyone because he started to go thru withdrawl while he was out of town and he got so sick that his mom flew back up here with him to take care of him. Then he came home and got some heroin so he could get well enough for his mom to leave. He kept talking about how much he missed me and how he wants to be with me and have fun with me again and how he screwed everything up with us, blah blah. I swear it was just the drugs talking - I don't think he really feels that way.

 

He told me about how he kept crying and he was having problems emotionally - I know all of this is from the drugs. He asked me if I would go to dinner with him on thursday, he wants to see me. I said I would see him if he would confess to his mother that he has a problem and let her and his family help him get better. He needs help badly - but I don't know what to do. I started looking into getting him into a treatment center, but I have no idea if he will commit himself to going. I just want to get his family involved. The problem is I have no way to get ahold of them and tell them anything. If I did, I am sure they would want to help him. I would rather find out my son/brother was an addict while I had the opportunity to help him - instead of finding out when he overdoses or worse - dies.

 

I keep trying to convince him to get help. This is making me so sad. I am supposed to leave for a vacation that I had planned about 6 months ago on Friday and I am nervous about what is going to happen to him while I am gone. Since I am leaving the country it will not be easy for me to get in touch with him. What should I do?

[slubberdegullion]

He needs to be in a treatment centre. While your thoughts are laudable about helping him kick the smack, unless you're a trained professional you're doomed to failure.

 

Leave this to the people who know what they're doing.

 

Since getting in touch with his family is out, do you know any of his friends? If so, you may try & contact them to let them know what's going on, and they may be able to help convince him to get treatment.

 

Essentially, though, even though he's emotionally still connected with you, this is an issue that's way too big for you to handle, or frankly for you to be responsible for.

[blind_otter]

I've known a lot of recovering heroin addicts - they need to decide for THEMSELVES to get help, and even then the chances of staying sober are slim to none.

 

If his family knows, you've done all you can. You are not responsible for this man's sobriety. He is, he knows it, and he needs to do something about it.

 

I say this from personal experience, being the drug addict.

[alphamale]

I've known a lot of recovering heroin addicts - they need to decide for THEMSELVES to get help, and even then the chances of staying sober are slim to none.

the stats are sobering. Only 2% to 4% of smack addicts can stay clean over the long-term.

[blind_otter]

the stats are sobering. Only 2% to 4% of smack addicts can stay clean over the long-term.

 

All the recovering heroin addicts that I have ever met have always gone back to shooting up. I'm not saying it's impossible, just that every single person I've ever met who banged (shot up) ANYTHING has not been able to get clean. Just in my experience.

[EnigmaXOXO]

He is one of those people who can function normally and do drugs. He has a job and he is very good at it and gets paid well. And the money he makes goes to heroin.

 

Ahhh…but that's the catch 22 with heroine. While on it, one can function rather well and even manage to hide the addiction absent the track marks of injecting it. The problem is they only function well while on it … so life becomes all about getting that next fix. The erratic behavior and abnormalities in personality become evident only when they are crashing (in between the next fix).

 

The way my daughter explains her experience with heroine withdrawal, is that by the time you reach the sixth/seventh day, the pain becomes so unbearable you will do anything to relieve it. Even death seems a better alternative. So, its rare that one can do it on their own without being shut in at a rehab somewhere where you can't get your hands on it.

 

Even if you are among the lucky ones to cold-turkey on your own, without therapy and professional follow-up support, the relapse rate is 99%. The relapse percentages are high even with professional help. You've already screwed up your brain chemistry to the point where you can't achieve a 'natural' high and so you virtually live your life in a state of clinical depression unless that euphoria is replaced by another chemical substitute to help balance you out.

 

That brings us to 'Methadone":

 

The legal alternative to keeping the heroine addict off the streets, preventing accidental over-dose, and curtailing the illegal drug trade. The problem is, it's just as addictive as heroine, and even MORE dangerous to cold turkey. If you try to sweat this withdrawal out on your own … IT WILL KILL YOU! Those who are on the Methadone program must be monitored carefully. Coming off of methadone means having your doses decreased slowly so your body is gradually weaned off of its physical dependency. But quitting Methadone means you're right back where you started upon quitting the heroine.

 

It's a vicious, vicious cycle. And many people find themselves trapped in "Methadonia" … the term used by those who become 'lifers' in the Methadone program because there is no way out for them.

 

I keep trying to convince him to get help. This is making me so sad. I am supposed to leave for a vacation that I had planned about 6 months ago on Friday and I am nervous about what is going to happen to him while I am gone. Since I am leaving the country it will not be easy for me to get in touch with him. What should I do?

 

Let me attempt to save you the thousands of dollars in family counseling it cost me to finally get this lesson (I was more stubborn than most):

 

LET GO.

 

This battle is not yours. Hold on to your hope (even your love for your friend), but don't allow yourself to assume responsibility for the addict's behavior. You do not have any more control over his addiction than he has. LET GO … and don't allow your happiness and peace of mind to revolve around his success or failure. If his behavior begins to affect you to the point where you are being drug down … then exercise some self control by backing off and LETTING GO.

 

Do not, under any circumstance, allow yourself to become a co-dependant in your valiant effort to 'save' someone from themselves. "Help" means encouragement to get clean and stay clean … but you're in danger of enabling his addiction if you put your own life on hold to assume that responsibility for him.

[crazychick]

I guess I didn't realize that the success rate of recovering from this is so poor. I want to say that personally - I don't think I am the one to be helping him. I just am not in the place to do so and I know that.

 

My point is, I want to tell his family. His friends are a bunch of idiots - they are all addicts - thats how this problem started. I think that he does want to detox, and I don't think he should go thru that entirely alone.

 

I have never done heroin and he knows that I don't condone it. I have never given him money or a place to stay or anything, nor will I - I do not want to enable him. But I think he really wants to stop and can't do it on his own. I think his family at least needs to know what is going on with him.

[EnigmaXOXO]

My point is, I want to tell his family.

 

Then do that if you honestly feel it might help.

 

I just wouldn't want you to be consumed by frustration and disappointment should your efforts not yield any positive results. Particularly to the point where you are being sucked into the toxicity and your own emotional well-being is being jeopardized.

 

It is such a hard process to put into words for someone who is experiencing this for the very first time. The best I can describe it is: it's like finding the balance between genuinely caring for someone while at the same time remaining self-protective and somewhat detached from their personal demons. The only way you can strike this balance is by first accepting the fact that no one has 'control' over another's addictions or behavior. Whatever the outcome, you are not responsible and therefore should not assume any guilt for their failure or credit for their success. While you may be able to influence change, the decision to follow through ultimately rests with them.

 

If he isn't ready (or can't do it), then you must be at a place where you can accept that decision and be a friend to him anyway (addict or not) … even to the point where you make it "okay" within yourself to walk away from the situation (or let go) should come to that.

 

They don't call it "tough love" for nothin'.

[crazychick]

Thank you so much for your advice. He told his mom yesterday. She is staying with him for a little while and getting him into counselling and a treatment center. I feel, well I guess I feel relieved that he has someone on his side. The best that I can do like you said is be his friend regardless.

 

A very good friend of mine once told me that we all have certain standards set for ourselves, and you can't expect anyone to live by your standards, they have to be allowed to live by their own. While ultimately I would love to live in this beautiful little bubble where everyone I love is safe, happy and healthy at all times, I know that it is just not possible.

 

This guy for all of his faults, can be a wonderful person. He just has always been filled with self doubt and had a very hard life. The thing about drugs is - I am starting to realize - that with him I don't know whats really him and what is just the drug talking. I care about him and I always will but I don't hold myself responsible for everything he is doing. I knew he was doing this for a long time, and I stayed out of it. The only reason I stepped back in was because I really believe he is reaching out for help to get off of it.

 

I know that a lot of people don't succeed in completely getting away from drugs, but I have to believe that if you want something bad enough you can do it. I know its up to him, and ultimately he has to want better for himself. He needs to build up the self confidence and self esteem to get there. Hopefully counselling and treatment will help him.

 

Lastly, when I was a kid my favorite cousin died of a heroin overdose. I was like 14 when this happened and I knew nothing about drugs. He was 29. He was beautiful and funny and just a great guy to me and I really loved him. I saw what losing him like that did to my family and that is the number one reason that I didn't do drugs. Dealing with this situation I am right now, I have thought to myself, if I knew that my cousin was on drugs would I have loved him less? Would I have treated him differently? I'd like to think that I wouldn't have. I was a kid for gods sake. I hate that he died. I hate that he couldn't stop. But all I did was try to show him I loved him no matter what, and that is all I can do now. I am 30 years old - 1 year older than my cousin was when he died. I still miss him.

 

I don't want to lose my friend, but I know that I can't control that. I can encourage him to be healthy, and be there for him when he needs me. I am just relieved that his family can be there for him too now.

[EnigmaXOXO]

It's rare these days to meet anyone who hasn't somehow been affected by the epidemic of drug and/or alcohol addiction. Even if you've been lucky enough to avoid it yourself, most of us know a family member or friend who has (or is) struggling with it. Our lives have been touched and/or influenced by it in some way.

 

And it's not always a matter of low self-esteem or some underlying personality disorder which determines who gets addicted and who does not. Sometimes, it just a matter of "luck." How many of us, when we were young, experimented with recreational drugs simply out of curiosity or because our friends were doing it?

 

I feel darn fortunate that heroine, meth and crack weren't popular when I was a teenager. The big thing was speed, pot and alcohol. I feel even LUCKIER that I never did any of these things frequently enough to actually get hooked … and getting pregnant at nineteen put a quick end to my short-lived partying days. Otherwise, I have no delusions that I could have very well found myself in the same predicament as my husband and daughter (or your friend).

 

It's scary. And when you sit back and observe what it has done to the people you love and care about the most, it's enough to frighten you clean and sober for good! And perhaps that's the lesson you and I can take from all of this, if one can glean anything positive at all from the horrible experience.

 

Good luck and stay strong!