lonely, bored and depressed, all i want is many beers and some shots

[shamen]

It's so weird... I go through phases where I'm perfectly OK with my life and I feel good about what's going on, but now. Now. Recently. All of a sudden things seem so dark. On and off since I broke up with my ex 7 months ago. Believe me, I felt worse though when I was with him. I'm listening to either depressing music or something really angry, still!

 

I try hanging out with my gfs, but recently I've been drinking too much. Can't seem to get a handle on it. And even now, I'm in my apt dying to go out, but knowing that all I'm going to do if I go out is get drunk. It really pisses me off that I don't have this under control again. I feel like I'm crawling in my own skin just waiting to go out each night. I've been on vacation for a while and maybe it's just out of boredom at this point.

 

Like I said, I broke up with my long term ex bf about 7 months ago. And I still miss him, but I know that we can't be together because of his alcohol and drug issues. It's funny, because now that we're apart I'm drinking more than I have in many years...

 

I've been in therapy for almost a year now and I swear that it's starting to become part of the problem. Dragging out all of these old emotions that I'm only now really dealing with, but I don't know that I'm really dealing with them so well. It sux. Date rape, mom's a psycho. That sort of thing. So back to the drinking... and things that I gave up in my 20s (mid 30s now)...

 

Not feeling much like dating right now. I get offers, but I'm just not interested. Tried it twice since I've broken up with my ex. Dumped via voice mail once and the other one, well, let's just say it was boring (sex). For some reason, I just don't want to be around guys right now. I know that I still care deeply for my ex and I'm really not at my best in terms of self esteem and confidence at this moment.

 

I'm just not sure where to go next or how to make myself not feel so intense all of the time! It's funny, I feel OK when I'm not in the city where I live. Maybe I just need to get out of town again. Had an offer to go out of town for 2 weeks, but really can't afford to do that right now because of work. Ugh.

 

Escapism and self medication seems to be all that's working for me right now. Any suggestions? Comments? What the hell is going on with me? I'm starting to feel like this melancholy is going to be with me forever...

[Outcast]

Can you do something which would be symbolic to you of changing your life? Something like repainting your place or redecorating it completely?

 

Have you tried meditation? Writing? Art? Music?

 

Can you take up a new hobby or join a club or association? In short, find something new and different to occupy your thoughts and give you different things to learn and different people to meet?

[Rosalind]

Originally posted by shamen

I go through phases where I'm perfectly OK with my life and I feel good about what's going on, but now. Now. Recently. All of a sudden things seem so dark. I'm really not at my best in terms of self esteem and confidence at this moment.

 

yep...classic textbook version of Bipolar Disorder....you're feeling up and okay with yourself (manic), but then you crash, oh gawd how you crash.

 

Abusing alcohol is the only comfort you receive when you're down.

Originally posted by Outcast

Can you take up a new hobby or join a club or association? In short, find something new and different to occupy your thoughts and give you different things to learn and different people to meet?

 

Outcast...asking a depressed person to become more active, and get involved with new things, is like asking a person with 2 broken legs to walk.

 

Rosalind

[Outcast]

Rosalind, I'm not hearing that kind of depression here. Or bipolar either. She's not saying she doesn't want to do anything; she's saying she doesn't want to go do things she knows are bad for her.

I feel like I'm crawling in my own skin just waiting to go out each night

 

The depressed person would be moping at home, not itching to go out and feeling numb or sad rather than 'intense'. It sounds to me like a lot of unfocussed energy that needs someplace else to go.

[Rosalind]

Originally posted by Outcast

Rosalind, I'm not hearing that kind of depression here. Or bipolar either. She's not saying she doesn't want to do anything; she's saying she doesn't want to go do things she knows are bad for her.

 

 

The depressed person would be moping at home, not itching to go out and feeling numb or sad rather than 'intense'. It sounds to me like a lot of unfocussed energy that needs someplace else to go.

Anxiety is a symptom of depression.

[shamen]

Originally posted by Outcast

Can you do something which would be symbolic to you of changing your life? Something like repainting your place or redecorating it completely?

 

Have you tried meditation? Writing? Art? Music?

 

Can you take up a new hobby or join a club or association? In short, find something new and different to occupy your thoughts and give you different things to learn and different people to meet?

 

Hi Outcast,

 

Funny that you mention the redecoration thing... I've already done that! Reorganized my apt. and gave my ex back all of his stuff.

 

Meditation I was doing for a while through yoga, not doing much of that right now. I do go to the gym regularly though to get rid of excess energy. This does feel a lot more like unfocused energy these days. I went dancing at a club this weekend and had the best time that I've had in ages, but I followed it up with my first drug use since last fall. Ugh. Not where I wanted to be.

 

I've thought a bit about maybe taking some new classes, maybe something in the martial arts. Something really aggressive, angry, to help get it out. Also I've thought about some guitar classes.

 

You also mentioned the meeting different people thing. I do tend to hang out more recently with my friends who are also drinking too much, for obvious reasons. I do have friends who don't drink as much, but they're married. Gets a little boring being the 3rd wheel.

 

I probably should be writing more. Used to write all of the time, but haven't been too interested in that for some reason. Maybe I'll pull out my journal again and see if that's any use. Used to draw too...

 

Thanks for the ideas, Outcast.

[shamen]

Originally posted by Rosalind

 

yep...classic textbook version of Bipolar Disorder....you're feeling up and okay with yourself (manic), but then you crash, oh gawd how you crash.

 

Abusing alcohol is the only comfort you receive when you're down.

 

Outcast...asking a depressed person to become more active, and get involved with new things, is like asking a person with 2 broken legs to walk.

 

Hi Rosalind,

 

I've been in therapy for almost a year now and she's not of the opinion that I have a diagnosible disorder, rather that I'm experiencing a bout of depression right now, and have been for a while. It's kind of like this weird learned behavior. When I was younger and dealing with depression, this is how I dealt with it: by drinking. I used to have a fairly big drug problem, but I don't really use anymore (3 times in the last 2 years).

 

So she thinks that I'm looking back to things that comforted me before, especially since I'm only now dealing with a date rape that happened 20 years ago. And my psycho mom. But now, I just almost want to flee therapy since I'm tired of talking about this crap. I want to move on. Need some answers first, though. But I've got to figure out the questions, so I'll stick around in therapy for a little bit longer.

 

Originally posted by Outcast

Rosalind, I'm not hearing that kind of depression here. Or bipolar either. She's not saying she doesn't want to do anything; she's saying she doesn't want to go do things she knows are bad for her.

 

The depressed person would be moping at home, not itching to go out and feeling numb or sad rather than 'intense'. It sounds to me like a lot of unfocussed energy that needs someplace else to go.

 

Originally posted by Rosalind

 

Anxiety is a symptom of depression.

 

Admittedly I wrote last night to get it out of my system. I was sick of sitting here feeling sorry for myself because I didn't want to go out and get drunk! Stuck in the apt.

 

I do indeed sometimes have problems with moping at home. When I can't go out because I know I shouldn't, I mope a bit. I'm not real motivated to clean either, mind you. Thank god I had a visitor stay here a few weeks back, so now the apt looks really presentable.

 

I'm not real motivated with the work stuff either right now. I just don't care.

 

The anxiety is definitely there though. It's anxiety about not going out, going out, getting drunk, dealing with my demons. Feeling like I'm on fire, like a coal in a fire in the woods. Like I'm stuck.

 

As much as I don't want to go to AA because of the higher power thing, I'm almost feeling like I might need to go. Can't believe that I might be at this point again after my years of hard work to get away from this. Therapy is not dealing with the alcohol abuse issues too much right now, so it's a thought, I suppose. I will always have to deal with the fact that I have an addictive personality.

[Outcast]

Used to write all of the time, but haven't been too interested in that for some reason.

 

Little bit of reluctance to do things which will get you out of your rut? Part of you wants change and part of you is fighting it? It does take a lot of work to change your ways - it's much easier to let inertia keep you returning to old habits.

 

Taking a class in martial arts would be a good idea, I bet. You'll make new friends there and maybe they will be less likely to take drugs for run.

[shamen]

Originally posted by Outcast

Little bit of reluctance to do things which will get you out of your rut? Part of you wants change and part of you is fighting it? It does take a lot of work to change your ways - it's much easier to let inertia keep you returning to old habits.

 

Taking a class in martial arts would be a good idea, I bet. You'll make new friends there and maybe they will be less likely to take drugs for Fun.

 

Wow... Yeah, I guess there is a bit of reluctance to change. You're right, it IS much easier to let inertia keep me returning to my old habits. It's funny, because when I started therapy last year, I guess that I thought that that would be enough. Enough of a change. Obviously, it's not because I ended up drinking heavily again.

 

I moved out of the old city where I used to live to get away from my drug use. Starting to feel like I need to move from here (different big city) to get away from the drinking and my ex, who I don't know if I'll ever truly be over. And maybe it's just this damn city, Big City, USA. I love to be in the woods, backpacking, yet I live here. In the middle of a metropolis. Itching all the time for something else. I know that I can't keep moving to run away from myself and my problems, it just sometimes feels like it's the right thing. I don't know if Big City, USA is right for me spiritually. (I don't believe in god, but I do consider myself spiritual.)

 

Alright, Outcast. I'll pull out my journal today and actually write something. I used to find it therapeutic. And I'll check into martial arts classes at my gym! I guess that I need to try to stop feeling sorry for myself because I can't drink so much and just start doing something about it, eh?

[Outcast]

I guess that I need to try to stop feeling sorry for myself because I can't drink so much and just start doing something about it, eh?

 

It would be very cool if you found that the endorphin rush you get from martial arts pleases you even more than the jollies that drinking or drugs give you. Feeling physically good is so much better than feeling bad - and when you can feel physically good as well as mentally good because you're not mad or ashamed at yourself - well what a deal!

 

It can be very difficult to change yourself - boy do I know it - but if you can focus on the good feelings you get when you do do it, they can carry you forward. And wanting those sorts of good feelings again is a great way to motivate yourself to continue once you've started

[New_Wife]

Scarly Where are you?????

 

Til she gets to this thread, I'll try to fill in.

 

1. You don't have to have God be your higher power in AA. It can be the group, a doorknob, or even the mere idea that something kept you from driving your car into a tree when you really shouldn't have been behind the wheel. The G-word gets used a bit because it's a universally recognized term for an HP in western society - but it's not mandatory. I came into NA refusing to use the G-word unless is what to blaspheme. Trust me, it's okay.

 

2. You probably don't want to sit and whine with "those people" You've most likely got an image of what 'alcoholic' means that involves unwashed bodies, MD 20/20 in a paper bag and blithering homeless idiots. I did. I couldn't have been an addict - I was clean! I didn't use street drugs, I never gave a BJ for money or drugs - I just used 'medicine'. Denial kills - and I don' t mean that figuratively. It could be the slow route with a liver the size of a bowling ball - or the quick route - car + tree.

 

3. It is anonymous. That was the biggest hurdle for me at first. I was afraid all of these drunks would run up to me in public and say "hey druggie, how the hell are ya???" No such thing happens. It is truly anonymous.

 

If you want to go to a meeting, or more especially, if you really don't - I suggest you give it a rip. Go sit in the back and just listen. Get some phone numbers if you're brave. AA and NA are about 10% about the drugs, and 90% about how to cope with life without the drugs. The sorts of emotions you are having - there are 12 steps to work through in your life that will help with those. Best of luck to you & get ahold of Scarly if you see her - she's our resident AA-Blackbelt.

[shamen]

Hey Outcast and New Wife,

 

TX for the words of encouragement. This whole thing is so weird because I thought that this hurdle was something that I had already dealt with. I walked away from drug use, I mean really regular drug use. So I've had 3 slip ups in 2 years. I'm not really worried about that, to be honest.

 

What I am worried about is how I went from problem drinker to social drinker back to drinking like a fish again. I was able to control my drinking for a long time. 8 years. Not now, it's definitely not under control.

 

Outcast, I know what those good feelings feel like, I go to the gym 3 days a week. So it's not like I don't know, it's just that it's not enough right now. I need a new focus, like you said. This is more about getting myself out of a repeat rut. An old rut. A rut that I already thought that I was out of.

 

New Wife, TX for the clarification. To be honest, I already knew a lot about AA. I looked into it years ago when I had much bigger issues in my life. Right now it's about coping with life without the heavy drinking. I don't buy into the "I can't ever drink again" thing, honestly. I socially drank for 8 years and now it's back out of nowhere. So, I know that I can do it. I just want to get back where I was before I broke up with my ex. Drinking socially.

 

That's the biggest problem with me and AA. They do not buy into this theory. Nor am I into the whole 12 step thing. I have no desire to go and say I'm sorry to all of the people I hurt in my life, for example. So, realistically, I don't think that AA is for me. I just need somewhere that I can go to talk to people about what I can do to deal with life without heavy drinking when I'm really depressed, which happens like once every 10 years for a period of time. Ha. That sounds ridiculous. But really, that's what I want.

 

I suppose that I could check out a couple of meetings, but I have no intentions of being totally sober for the rest of my life. Would they even want me there with this attitude?

 

Off to do some reading and writing for the evening...

[New_Wife]

"They" being AA welcome anyone/everyone who has a problem with alcohol. Shoot, people who are currently drunk are welcome - so long as they leave the booze elsewhere. If you go to at least 7 meetings - with an open mind - you might find more there that fits you than you think.

[Rosalind]

Hey shamen....

 

Just wanted to add : when I replied to your original post the other day, I had

been at my weekly psychiatrist appointment that day....and well, all I can say : we made a breakthru of sorts.

 

My symptoms are very much like yours...and the only reason I'm not self-medicating with alcohol is because I'm on prescription meds.

 

Please feel free to PM me anytime.

 

Take care, hun

[shamen]

Originally posted by New_Wife

"They" being AA welcome anyone/everyone who has a problem with alcohol. Shoot, people who are currently drunk are welcome - so long as they leave the booze elsewhere. If you go to at least 7 meetings - with an open mind - you might find more there that fits you than you think.

 

Thanks, New Wife. Your kind thoughts are appreciated. I'll keep these things in mind.

 

Originally posted by Rosalind

Hey shamen....

 

Just wanted to add : when I replied to your original post the other day, I had

been at my weekly psychiatrist appointment that day....and well, all I can say : we made a breakthru of sorts.

 

My symptoms are very much like yours...and the only reason I'm not self-medicating with alcohol is because I'm on prescription meds.

 

Take care, hun

 

Thanks, Rosalind. Again, I appreciate the thoughts. I'm working hard on not self-medicating. Over the course of the last 3 weeks, I've been trying to stay in more, hence the post that I started. I've only gone out a couple of times a week for the last 3 weeks, which is a hell of a lot better than I was doing. And I'm working on keeping the drinking to a more reasonable level when I do go out. Not always successfully, mind you, but I'm trying.

 

Therapy has been good. I'm just getting a little frustrated right now what with just the talking stuff. I feel like now is the time for some answers, some conclusions, some things to work on. I've already got one thing (see drinking) and dating is definitely number two. It'd be great to date a guy who's not chock full of major work for me. Read alcoholic/drug user.

 

Glad for you in that you and your therapist made a breakthrough the other day! How exciting! I've definitely had some of those days, just not recently.

[shamen]

So, I've had a few mess ups since I've last posted. I've gotten into this rut where I go out one night, then stay in the next day. So I went out Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday... Got pretty stupid each night. But then stayed in the next day each time, feeling kinda guilty about it and sad. While I had fun, I also realize that it's not reality.

 

I've been thinking about this stuff a lot recently, talked to a gf of mine yesterday who moved away years ago, but we're still pretty close. She's going through a lot of the same stuff, and she says that a lot of her friends are the same way. Maybe it's the kind of crowd that we tend to find ourselves in. A bit counter-culture. She's convinced that it's a depression issue.

 

At this point, I'm not sure what exactly I'm depressed about, or if it's just boredom. It's raining right now and it totally fits my mood...

 

I actually did write some yesterday, but then found myself crying uncontrollably for a while until she called me back. It's almost like it's too painful to write down in my journal. I'm trying hard to keep myself busy with other things, then I get to this point where all I want to do is go OUT! Forget about my depression and melancholy that seems to be haunting me right now.

 

She and I talked about the thoughts of going to an AA meeting, just to check it out. She too went to visit her family to dry out for a week. It's crazy how this is still our pattern even after years of her being gone.

 

I do need to pick up a new hobby, got a few other ideas too besides the martial arts classes. I just need to act on them. But they all cost money and I'm a little poor right now. I'm being a bit more motivated than usual in terms of my apt, I had a long while where I just let it all go. It's been a hard year with the depression in my life. I don't remember another time where I felt this depressed for so long.

 

It's funny, 'cuz I split up with my ex because he drank too much and did drugs and now here I am back in an old cycle. Totally bizarre. I will always have a propensity to cycle up and down with the drinking, I guess. I was hoping that the depression would go away once he and I split.

 

I'm feeling kind of calm today. Quiet. I'm going to try to write in my journal for the second time since April. Hopefully I don't fall apart again...

[shamen]

So, my therapist yesterday asked me if I wanted to go on meds because of the depression issue after I completely broke down in her office over everything that's been going on. I said no. I just don't want to be on meds as I don't really need another addiction in my life.

 

I'm working on getting this back under control again. Talking about it with my therapist helped a lot. I somehow feel better now that I had a melt down, strangely enough!

 

Besides, work (after a vacation) is just around the corner. That will certainly help put things back into perspective!

 

 

 

Rosalind,

 

I checked out bipolar disorder on the web after my appointment and after I was asked about meds. I actually do have a lot of the symptoms and maybe I will discuss this possibility with my therapist the next time I see her.

 

(Tried to pm you, but it didn't work! Is your mailbox full? Pms turned off?)