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Old 4th October 2017, 8:11 AM   #1
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Abusive relationship...

Hello everyone, I don't really know what I'm gaining from writing this but I feel so lost and alone right now and I literally can't talk to anyone about this. If my friends and family knew what my boyfriend is really like, they'd tell me I was insane for staying with him and I'm genuinely frightened of being locked away in some mental home.

We've been together 2 years. He's two years younger than me, and at first it was different being with someone younger, but now I see how immature he is.

He's a weed addict, and when he's high, he's the kindest, most affectionate person I've ever met. He makes me feel beautiful and desirable and never stops complimenting me or doing nice things for me.

But when he's sober he's a monster, and I don't know how to get away. The arguments are only getting worse, not better. He works a hard job 6-7 days a week for absolute pennies so he never has any money. I've loaned him god knows how much, and if I dare bring it up, it starts an argument. Apparently we're a team and he said I should know he's skint and to stop badgering me, and that when he's financially stable he won't give me a penny because of my attitude towards this.

The worst argument happened yesterday. I brought up another argument we had on Saturday after I gave him some money to get himself something to eat and drink, I said I'd like him to apologize. He told me he was sorry and I made another comment saying I probably wasn't going to stay around on weekends anymore and he blew up. Started punching the wall and pacing about telling me he hated me. I was bullied as a teenager and have a turbulent relationship with my alcoholic mother so I went into my "I need to fix everything" mode and said I didn't mean to upset him. We argued for so long that the shop shut, and I felt bad that he'd been at work all day and said I'd pay for food from a takeaway. We drove there and he belittled me, saying I was stupid, thick, manipulative... He called me a vile C word and got even angrier when I stayed silent. Said I was lazy because he drives me everywhere (I'm still learning..) and said I was ugly as f*ck when I cry.

He got his food and was ranting the whole way home. He asked me to say something and I said no because I didn't want to upset him again and he blew up even more. He threw his food at me and then spat his food all over my face and hair and rubbed the sauce into my clothes and stormed inside telling me to clean up his car. I was numb at this point and just did it. It was gone midnight and he'd had my last bit of money so I had no way of getting home. I went inside and he was punching the wall and swearing saying he was still hungry because he threw his food at me.

He then pinned me against the wall by my neck and called me a manipulative b*tch. Said that this was all my fault and if I had just stayed quiet none of this would have happened. I told him that was what I was trying to do. He said he'd been at work all day and had a horrible shift and didn't need this. He then jabbed me in the arm so hard it's bruised, emptied my bag all over the floor and threw my phone outside. I was sobbing and as he's done this before and promised never to put a hand on me again, I begged him to stop and reminded him of his promise. He told me he should kill me for this and that I deserve to be battered. He told me to get out and that he hated me before hitting more things. I slid to the floor sobbing and he started crying and joined me saying I needed to run away from him because he can't control this, before the monster re-surfaced. He grabbed my hair and ripped my extensions out and pushed me down the hallway to get out. Just as I was leaving he told me I was going to buy him more food and that we were breaking up. I told him okay because I can't do this anymore. He got angry about that and I went upstairs and locked myself in the bedroom. He was screaming that he was no longer in love with me because all I do is make him angry. That I was the only one who ever made him like this. No one else ever caused this rage but me.

He then smoked some weed and came and apologized to me. It was 2AM and he had work at 5 and I was so tired and hurt from crying that I let him in. He said he didn't know why I stayed and that I need to run as far as I can from him and that I deserved someone who made me happy. He said he was disgusted with himself and that he didn't deserve to lie next to me. I was so tired at this point but I just gave in and let him go to sleep. I laid awake staring at the wall the whole night. He said he was going to get help but I've heard that before.

I'm successful, I have a degree and a good job and I'm saving up to move out of my family home. I'm attractive (albeit could lose some weight and be a bit more active...) I don't know why I stay. Every part of my being was screaming at me to get out of that house last night, and I don't know why I didn't. He was part of a violent gang growing up and admitted to me high that he was part of a gang killing, but I didn't know if I believed him. He usually talks complete b*llocks when he's high anyway. But I've seen him angry, and he's threatened my family before. He knows some very scary people...

I'm completely alone.

My family likes him because he's utterly charming when he has to be. It was my mother's birthday the other day and he was an absolute gentleman. Kissing me, holding my hand, opening doors for me, engaging in conversation with my whole family, telling me how stunning I looked... My grandparents love him as he's a hard working man and I've never really been with anyone like him before.

No one knows about what he does to me and I'm slowly losing my sanity day by day... When it's good, it's incredible, but when it's bad it's a horror story...

Last edited by Lostie; 4th October 2017 at 8:17 AM..
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Old 4th October 2017, 9:09 AM   #2
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Originally Posted by Lostie View Post

- when he's high, he's the kindest, most affectionate person I've ever met. He makes me feel beautiful and desirable and never stops complimenting me or doing nice things for me.

- When it's good, it's incredible, but when it's bad it's a horror story...
This is the mentality of an abuse victim. They hold on to the little scraps because the little good has to be magnified when all the rest is absolutely horrible. And being that your self-esteem is shattered, you've conditioned yourself to accept the little that you get because you believe it's all you deserve.

The bold is indicative of the value you see within yourself. You require a monster to validate you so that you feel valued. Validation should come from within -- the fact that you are elevated by the words that this abuser showers on you is indicative of how starved you are.

How does his words of uttering how beautiful and desirable you are meaningful when that same someone spits at you, calls you ugly and the C word? He spews sweet words because when you are in the good graces of an abuser, he will reward you with niceties. When you cross an abuser, you get a beat down. That's all it is. It doesn't come from a place of TRUE love, care or nurture. Don't get caught up with the emotional manipulation.

You've chosen to settle for the few good moments. You have to believe that TRUE love and care is consistent. It's not volatile. It doesn't smash you to the floor one day and lift you up to a pedestal the next. That isn't real.

Please speak to your parents about him and move out. This has to stop. You don't love him -- you're addicted to the toxicity. And yes, abusers are charming to those on the outside because they have to keep up an image. Break that image and stay away from him.

Originally Posted by Lostie View Post

- But I've seen him angry, and he's threatened my family before


- My family likes him
- My grandparents love him as he's a hard working man and I've never really been with anyone like him before.
He's threatened your family but your family likes/loves him?

You've never been with anyone like him before? How bad were the others?
One regret, my dear world, that I am determined not to have when I am lying on my deathbed is that I did not kiss you enough ~ Hafiz

Last edited by Zahara; 4th October 2017 at 10:41 AM..
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Old 4th October 2017, 1:52 PM   #3
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You must get out of this as soon as possible. He is dangerous and who ever ends up with him long term will have their life ruined. Imagine how this guy is going to behave once the stress of babies and marriage is thrown into the mix - and you are really trapped.

Run, as fast as you can in the opposite direction from this person.

There is no need to analyse this further. Just end it please, I know so well where this leads, it is nowhere you want to be.

Btw, can I just say is cannabis not a complete and utter wonder of the world, it even makes a person like this nice. I am so angry that the powers that be have criminalised it and we have that evil called alcohol instead, wrong!
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full for language & ideas, even the phrase 'each other' doesn't make any sense. - Jalāl ad-Dīn Muhammad Rūmī
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Old 4th October 2017, 2:00 PM   #4
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Sorry one more thing... your alcoholic mother has primed you for this type of relationship. It is what feels right and comfortable for you and you will end up in it again with someone else unless you resolve those issues. It would be extremely helpful for you to get some therapy/counselling on this.
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Old 4th October 2017, 5:11 PM   #5
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You're not alone. I'm in an abusive marriage and am seeking a divorce. Right now I'm saving up for the retainer. I have CPTSD (my mother abused me as a child, sexually and physically, and neglected me), and I developed unhealthy attachment habits just like you, and would get drawn to addicts without intention but they recreate the familiar drama we're accustomed to so we can always fix and repair and we don't make waves and do live for those scraps of good times and exaggerate how wonderful they are because it's embarrassing to admit what we've gotten ourselves into.

People who are unfamiliar will trivialize this and say "just leave" or "get out" without understanding it's never that simple because patterns have been taught to us, we are conditioned to behave a certain way, and we need help. They think we function "normally" but we don't. We're broken and fractured.

I've been in therapy 2 x week for 3 years to get to this point. BTW, my husband did the spitting and yelling and he throws stuff. He's also younger than me. But he is an amazingly good man and good friend. Just NOT husband/relationship material. His friends have NO clue what our marriage is really like because he shows them a very, very different man than what we share behind closed doors.

He also uses money to manipulate me. I'm on disability and he makes six figures but we're "always broke" so we can't get groceries or take the dog to the vet or groomers, but he's got 3 cars (1 of which I drive, but he also has a Jeep and a new Mustang), and lots of "guys' toys" and he's always traveling (Germany, Ireland, came back from PA now he's in FL) medical bills "we can't afford" or my college loan "we can't afford"....

My "family" (my mother married my boyfriend when I was 17 - so I learned early on about not respecting boundaries) have instilled in me I'm only as good as my body, my boobs, sex, and money. I have no other value and now that I'm no longer 20 years old I have nothing to offer anyone, and no one else would put up with my crap.

I'm conditioned. This is toxic and it runs deep. You're not alone. You need therapy first to get out of this situation because if you don't relearn how to integrate those experiences you're going to go back and/or repeat this behaviour elsewhere moving forward. I know, I've done it. I've never had a healthy relationship (I lie, I had one, and I screwed it up because I couldn't handle healthy & normal). I'm scared about not being 20 and being divorced and the conditioning I got...
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Old 4th October 2017, 8:34 PM   #6
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You get away by GETTING AWAY.

Just leave.
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Old 5th October 2017, 6:24 PM   #7
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If a guy is not making you feel good, loved and cared for, then do not stay with him. A guy should not be making you feel afraid, anxious, hurt or degraded. If a guy is making you feel like this, he has a serious problem. You might be used to being treated badly, given your background, but now is the time to expect something better. Just do not allow unkindness into your intimate relationships. When it rears its ugly head, leave.

An abusive guy can be kind too, but that does not make him kind, it makes him an abusive guy who has kind moments. He is still abusive and dangerous.

It does not matter that your family see him differently. This is an act he puts on. It also shows that he can control his behaviour if he chooses to. He is not choosing to control it with you. He thinks you'll stick with him no matter how he behaves. I think it would help you greatly if you told a family member about your abusive boyfriend. You need to break this spell they are under concerning him. They will be shocked, of course, but they will adjust and then want to help you. I don't know what your family are like - they might not be the most helpful - but as long as you keep this secret from anyone who cares about you, you will be more vulnerable.

I would also advise you talk to a women's refuge. They have counsellors, experts in this kind of behaviour, who will support you. They will listen and will not force you to do anything. They can help you to see where your boyfriend is crossing the line from being a guy who is upset or irritated to being an abusive guy. You need this support. You are already part way to getting rid of this dangerous guy because you have had the courage to write here. Please seek support because your guy is dangerous. Maybe this is why you have been scared to let anyone know, because you are afraid if his reaction? Your fear is justifiable. Please seek support from people who know about this kind of behaviour.
"You ain't a beauty but hey, you're alright" ('Thunder Road', Bruce Springsteen)
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Old 5th October 2017, 9:32 PM   #8
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You should tell someone and take photos of and document the bruises you got in this fight. You don't know how ugly he can get if you leave him, and if it comes to getting the legal system involved, you can get discredited if he calls you a liar and you have no proof of what's happened (ie you never told anyone else close to you). Be very, very careful... the most dangerous time is leaving a relationship like this. You do need help and support from domestic abuse experts, so you can leave safely, as well as your family and any other support network you have.

It is hard to be in this situation, and you may have kept it to yourself because of fear but also because of shame. Do not be ashamed -- you deserve to not fear for your safety, and getting help to get out is top priority. You should not be locked away in a mental home... this kind of abuse is conditioned over time, and that's how people find themselves in these situations. You may have PTSD, but these are his problems, not yours. I absolutely agree with the poster above who said then get help after to deal with healing the bad patterns and trauma you learned from having an alcoholic parent. But first, get yourself into a safe situation so you can focus on yourself after and start to heal. Good luck.

Last edited by SpecialJ; 5th October 2017 at 9:35 PM..
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Old 6th October 2017, 10:27 AM   #9
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I was in an abusive marriage and ended up 4 times in a women's shelter in fear for my life.

That was 20 years ago and I could not even read your whole story as it brought me chest pain. I can't believe there was a time in my life I let a man hit me, strangle me, control, manipulate and threaten me.

I left with nothing but the clothes on my back and a child in tow. I was married to him, we had a house and all our finances was melted together. He blocked everything so I was really on my own. I went from being in a shelter to a small apartment, no appliances, no bed, only the bare minimum to eat but you know what? I was FREE from him and it was the best feeling in the world. From there my life only got better. Now 20 years later I'm the vp of a big corporation, I own my home, and the man in my life is a dream come true who treats me with respect. I would never had all this if I had stayed in my abusive marriage.

I stayed 15 years in my abusive marriage. I wasted all the best years of my life being mistreated. Don't let this happen to you. Like me, leave everything behind and start new!
'' The Biggest Coward Is A Man Who Awakens A Woman's Love With No Intention Of Loving Her '' - Bob Marley
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Old 7th October 2017, 11:03 AM   #10
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Thank you all so much for your comments.

The one about him controlling his anger for everyone but me is very accurate. Today, he was in a vile mood. He woke up at midday, and despite me trying to wake him up 6-7 times (even brought him breakfast and a cup of tea) it was still MY fault I didn't wake him up properly and now his day was ruined. He told me to leave and I was about to ring a taxi when he took my phone and told me no, that I was going to stay and help him tidy.

I agreed at first, but then he started ordering me around. No pleases or thankyous. Telling me I was slow and lazy with everything. I did absolutely everything he asked and it wasn't good enough. I spent three hours cleaning with him and it ended up in a row. He threw something at my face and I walked out of the room and bumped into a shelf we were cleaning and he thought I had thrown something at it. He pinned me up against the wall by my throat and called me a lying, argumentative c*nt. I cried and he told me if I carried on crying he'll give me something to cry about.

I only stayed around because he put me on the spot in front of his friends. When I said I couldn't see him because I was working in the evening, he called me a useless b*tch and they all laughed. I said yes to try and avoid drama, and when I got there, he complained because I didn't un-lock the door quick enough for him and when we were cleaning something off the floor, I didn't pass him the tissue quick enough. He told me I was retarded and slow and he'd never been with anyone so lazy. Then he got high and we had an okay evening. We cooked dinner and watched bad tv until we fell asleep.

After helping him with the cleaning for hours he apologised for his anger and said he's going to get help. He gave me a hug and I flinched and that caused a massive argument. I told him I didn't think we should be together anymore unless he actually proves to me he's getting help and he flipped. He forced me to get money out from my account and told me that if I didn't he'd leave me at the shops and then when I got home, he shoved me out of the car and told me to get out of his car and that I can have all the time I want in a very aggresive tone before speeding off.

Now I feel like the lost and guilty one again. If I had kept my mouth shut, he wouldn't have flipped. I'd be able to focus on working. Everyone keeps asking me what's wrong in my house and I'm just wondering around in my dressing gown. I don't want to eat even though I'm hungry and I can't sleep even though I'm tired. I want to leave him but I'm terrified. He got a phone call today from someone offering him money to destroy someone's car and he genuinely considered it. This is what I mean when I say I'm too scared to leave. The people he knows are horrible and if he said the word, I'm sure they'd do anything he wanted.

I'm so glad I'm not alone. This was once a loving and joyful relationship and I'd never been happier. It was exciting and new and full of love and love. Now I feel tired and anxious all the time and I don't know how to put a stop to this.
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Old 28th October 2017, 8:09 PM   #11
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Read the book Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. It will help you understand why you have to leave.
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Old 12th December 2017, 1:30 PM   #12
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Despite a few months passing, nothing has changed. The longest we've gone without a blazing row is two weeks.

I paid out over 200 on clothes for his birthday last week, and at first he was grateful. Loving, loyal, caring and happy. We had a great two weeks. Then I accidentally got his clothes wet, and oh that went out the window very quickly.

I thought I was going to die. He back handed me three times, hit me so hard on the arm that I was bruised, threw me on the bed and choked me telling me I wound him up on purpose and that I was the most manipulative person he'd ever met. He spat on me and told me I'd pay for this, starting with my cat. He went into great detail about what he'd do to my family, all because I spilt water on his new clothes that I had paid for...

I went into survival mode and begged for forgiveness and said I'd sort them out. He threw them at me and called me an ugly, useless fat c*nt and that no wonder all my previous partners broke up with me. He pulled my hair and kicked me so hard in the stomach that I was winded.

Eventually he tired himself out and I went to bed. I didn't have a penny to my name as it all went on him and his birthday so I laid awake the whole night, terrified he would kill me. He told me the next morning that he fell asleep envisioning all the ways he could kill me.

Then he got high and told me he was sorry, but he stood by what he did. I told him he deserved to be in jail and his reply was "I didn't even hit you that hard, stop being such a baby." I told him he shouldn't hit me at all, and a few tokes later, he was all over me. Crying, saying he was sorry, that he didn't mean anything he'd said. Told me he loved me over and over and that I'm truly the love of his life and that he'd destroy anyone who would try to hurt me. Said he wants to protect me always. I laid on my back with him in my arms with my eyes on the ceiling utterly numb. 24 hours ago prior to this, he was beating me black and blue.

I'm terrified. No one knows about this. If I leave, I'm beyond scared of what he'd do to me, my family and my pets... I can't tell the police because he told me that if I ever got him put inside for what he's done to me, he'd spend every day dreaming of what he'd do to me when he got out. I'd live my life looking over my shoulder.

I rue the day I met this man. I'm trapped and alone and not a soul knows this. His friend told me he'd had a hard and loveless childhood, but he won't get help. I don't think he ever will.

People telling me to leave do not know the friends this man has. They don't know what he's capable of. I can't leave, I honestly 100% do believe he'd kill me or at least try.

Last edited by Lostie; 12th December 2017 at 1:36 PM..
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Old 13th December 2017, 11:21 AM   #13
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But you are risking your life by staying with him. What if you get pregnant? Abusive men get even more abusive towards their wives,gfs when she gets pregnant and then the baby is born into a toxic abusive environment right from the start. Please please take every precaution to make sure you never become pregnant by this man.

I'm confused by how much this guy's personality changes when he smokes weed. I've never seen that before. I've been with abusive guys who smoke pot and it really never made much difference to how they behaved.

In any case it's true that leaving an abuser can be the most dangerous period of the relationship. On the other hand most abusers have their victims brainwashed into believing that the abuser is more powerful and scary than he really is. Murder leads to prison and these loser abusers don't want to wind up in prison. Still you need to be very cautious when you leave and have a plan. If you don't know where to turn start by contacting your local woman's shelter. Those people are pros at helping women get out safely. They've helped hundreds, maybe thousands, of women you are just as abused and terrified as you are. Please at least call them.
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Old 8th February 2018, 8:01 AM   #14
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Months later, I'm still trapped.

He wanted to book a weekend away for Valentines, but had no money as usual, so I put it on a credit card with the promise he'd pay me back the following week. I thought it would be a good chance to leave him after because I already know he will get drunk and pick a fight and I've told him I'm no longer happy in this relationship.

I haven't seen a penny of it yet. I doubt I ever will. He can afford his weed to support his addiction and his cocaine that he does at least once a aweek but I already know I won't get anything for Valentines day. He rung me up this morning asking for 20 (which I can't afford to give him right now as my rent is due) and he called me a useless c*nt and hung up.

I tried to leave him the other day, I really did. I said I'd cancel the hotel and we should call it quits after he got mad at me because I couldn't get his wallet in the back seat of the car quick enough. We fought for over an hour in the car and when I tried to get out to go home, he revved off saying tonight was the night I was going to die. I was trying to find my phone in my purse to call the cops but he abruptly stopped and started hitting me on the arm. I hoped so much that someone in passing traffic saw but no one helped me. He drove back to his after he calmed down, saying I was an ugly mess when I cry and I walked off, ready to get on a bus home. He told me to get inside before he dragged me in. I was too ashamed and terrified to keep walking and once inside, he started smoking his weed.

He calmed down of course, said he was sorry, and that the things I do make him angry. I told him I wanted to leave and he promised me he'd get help. I told him I'd heard it all before and he said I was being such a downer and that he wished he'd never come and got me. He then pestered me for sex all night despite me having a UTI at the moment and being in a lot of pain and I stood my ground and said no. The next morning he took me out for lunch as a way of saying sorry, but not before he hit me with a pillow and threw a tub of cream at my head after we had another row. I'm going away in August, partly for pleasure, partly for business and instead of being proud of me, he told me he's seething with jealousy and hates it. He begged me to cancel it and book a later date so he could join me, but I know full well he'll never have the money. He still owes me over 200.

I am numb to it all now. I tried to leave and he threatened to kill me. I have accepted that I will be forever miserable in this relationship if it means keeping my family safe. He's a loose cannon and I know he'll get people around my house. I know this for a fact, I've been there when people have rung him offering him money to go and intimidate drug dealers.

I hate the life I've fallen into. I hate that I'm smart, successful and have the world at my feet and yet I'm stuck in this situation. I don't know what to do or where to go.
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Old 8th February 2018, 11:25 AM   #15
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Lostie much of what you have written describing your situation and was my own wifes experiences with her abusive bully of a husband. She too was held hostage with death threats to her family. She lived like this for 18 yrs.

She had an emergency bag packed and hidden. She contacted a woman's crisis center and they guided, and counseled her. Then she did it! Took the emergency bag out of hiding when hubby wasn't around and left never to return again.

He could not locate her as she was housed at the crisis center, she was safe, crisis center advised her how to protect herself. Bully's threaten that's what they do, her family was in no danger it was just what husband said to control her.

To this day he will not look her in the eye. He bows his head or looks away.
Please consider reaching out for help. It changed and saved my wife's life.
Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?
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