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Do people know when they are emotionally abusive?


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Old 3rd August 2014, 4:49 AM   #1
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Question Do people know when they are emotionally abusive?

So, I was dating this older man for quite some time, it' been on and off but this time it's off according to me but he apparently thinks we are still together.

We still hang out but we haven't been intimate, we care for each other but know there is no future.

Even as friends, he still brings me down it seems..and IDK how he can't comprehend his actions?

If you were to see us as a couple, majority of people would say I am out of his league, even one of his friends said he was lucky...

So, I have come to conclusion he is emotionally abusive...

One recent event is I went to his house to use his printer since he lives close by. I went to his house and his friend and some kid I never seen were cleaning up his basement. I introduced myself to the kid and he said, "Excuse me but you're very beautiful." My ex was taken aback and like whoa whoa while his friend told the kid he is going to tell his mom he's hittng on older women. The kid is 15 and I am in my 20s.

So, me and ex, let's call him Frankie go upstairs and he said, "Aren't you flattered that a 15 year old said you're beautiful?" I didn't really respond but said I thought it was cute. So, Frankie says, "A lot of people think you're beautiful but I have seen all your flaws." He then went on to say my outfit doesn't go together and my stomach looks big in the skirt (all untrue)

I told him to stop being insecure and he said "Ok" in a sarcastic voice as if I was lying.

So, 2 days ago me and Frankie have lunch, his idea. Without provocation he said without makeup I am average and with it I look like a supermodel. I was instantly offended and asked why would he said it. And he said, "If you didn't believe that, you wouldn't spend all your time doing your makeup." And then he backtracked a little and said I am regular attractive without it but beautiful with it. And he said, "Am I lying?" And was saying have I ever complained how you look without makeup?

I was upset and he didn't understand why saying, "Why are you mad, I called you beautiful?"

Next day, he says hi via text. I was still upset and explained why would he say something like that if it's not to hurt me? And mentioned if I said something like that he would be hurt and offended. I also said that he must not care about my feelings because he keeps being rude about my appearance.I even said he reminded me of my ex-friend who was jealous and flaky toward me; I ended all contact with her. His reply to me was "Fine, end it like you did with her, have a good life, no need to contact"

I replied back, "We can't have an adult conversation?" He still ignored me.

I am use to his silent treatment but I just can't believe him. He's very sensitive himself so he always would do this when we were together. And he still does it, when he did it, I would call him out and he would say, "I think it's funny someone as beautiful as you would be offended." It's like it doen't matter if I don't like it, why keep doing it? Why disregard I don't like you nitpicking me?

What's the point of tearing me down?

Last edited by BlueIvy; 3rd August 2014 at 4:52 AM..
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Old 3rd August 2014, 5:49 AM   #2
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On some level they know but many of them don't quite realize what they're doing is outright emotional abuse. In their minds they're 'keeping you in check' or stopping you from feeling like you can do better - and looking for it. In the examples you gave, what sounds like is REALLY going on is that every time he gets jealous or insecure, he lashes out at you and wants to make you feel 'less than' because he's been made to feel that way.

Sometimes people like that know exactly what they're doing but can't help themselves from saying such nonsense because they're afraid. It's the #1 tool of a manipulator. Manipulative people will say and do everything in their power in order to make you feel like they're the best you can do. In your case, this older guy is painfully aware you could do better - by MILES - so he is desperate to keep you feeling bad about yourself so YOU don't realize it too.

The tricky thing about this kind of emotional abuse is that it can easily backfire. I know me personally, these days when I catch so much as a whiff of it I turn the tables quickly and don't let mean comments go to my head (and if they do, I sure as hell don't let it show). For instance, if a guy had the audacity to comment on my looks with vs without makeup on, I'd bite back with a "Mmm hmm, yet either way I'm still hot!" or something of that nature - all said with a nonchalant smile of course. It may sound cocky but it works. It lets them know your self-esteem can't be so easily manipulated.


By the way, his comments to you sound VERY much like those made by a friend of mine (who sounds much like your own ex friend tbh). They stem from insecurity and/or jealousy and nothing more. People like that are intimidated by you and want to keep tearing you down hoping you don't realize you really are prettier, smarter, etc than they are.
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Old 3rd August 2014, 5:55 AM   #3
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He tears you down because you let him. He's playing mind-games, but the problem is, by seeing him, and allowing him access to you, you leave the door wide open to this kind of treatment. You need to terminate any further contact or at the very least minimise any opportunities he may have to dig at you. And if he does, just let it fly over your head, as if you haven't heard. he pokes to get a rise out of you, and your response (no matter what it may be) simply tells him he has succeeded.
And buy your own printer. A lot of outlets have good-quality second-hand reconditioned ones, so they don't have to be expensive. I bought one that way. Give him the least opportunities possible to depend on him for anything.
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Old 3rd August 2014, 9:10 AM   #4
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He knows what he's doing. Don't give him excuses in your mind. He is trying to make you feel bad, in essence "one upping" you so he is above you. He lives in a world where he wins and you lose. He is abusive. He is a loser.

When he insults you or tries to put you in a one down position, don't take the bait. Don't defend yourself one bit. That's what he wants you to do! Then he can argue with you and keep you in a crazy cycle where you begin to doubt yourself and all your strengths.

Never hang around anyone you have to convince that you are beautiful, smart, worthwhile.

If you do chose to be around him, then don't play his game his way. Play it your way. When he tries his crap on you, look evenly at him and say "that crap doesn't work on me. You are a bully and I see right through you. " get up and walk away. Don't engage in any conversation with him.

If he continues to talk like that to you, tell him that you know his game and it isn't very original or smart.

Abusive guys hate for people to think they aren't nice, intelligent people. They are very invested in that image. Feel free to shatter it. Call him an *********.

I've had 20 years of history with abusive men. This guy sounds like trouble. I would run the other direction.

You are wonderful and don't need to spend one minute on anyone who tries to make you feel " less than" so he can dominate you. That's abuse and you deserve better.

Last edited by blueskyday; 3rd August 2014 at 9:15 AM..
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