He hit me once, should I report it to police?

[beyondcrushed]

My bf and I broke up last Tuesday night. We've been together for a total of 12 months. We live in separate homes. We do not have children together. We do not share any assets together. But we work together.

 

Couple months before the break up, i suspected he was having an affair (emotional or physical) with a woman. He denied anything is going on and said she is just a friend. Tuesday night when he was in the shower, I looked at text messages between him and the woman on his cellphone, which he left unlocked in his bedroom. The texts made it clear he was having an emotional affair with her. I decided I was done with him and the relationship. When he came from the shower, he asked what was going on. When I told him, and showed him the texts, he denied he was physically involved with her and that's just how they talk to each other. I then began to look at other text conversations between him and other people. He asked for his phone back. I wouldn't give it back to him. He said he'd take it then, and wrestled me to the bed. I wouldn't give it back. he then threatened me, "Give it back, or I'll hit you." I wouldn't give it back and he hit me in the face. He then got off of me and said the relationship is over for him and its my fault. We talked about some things. He then asked me to leave his house. But I didn't want to leave. I still wanted to talk. He asked me to leave repeatedly and I wouldn't. He then threatened to call the police, and I wouldn't leave. So he called the police. I left when he was on the phone with 911. Went home and never seen or spoken to him or any police. I had a small red area on my face the next day but no damage.

 

As far as I know my exbf has never had any charges against him for assault.

 

He has threatened to harm my child, "If she doesn't stop splashing me with water at the beach after I ask, I will push and hold her head underwater for a bit to teach her a lesson."

 

He has said he feels he is capable of killing someone.

 

Given the circumstances and context, should I report his assault on me to the police?

 

Or just forget about it, move on, and make better choices in men?

Edited July 21, 2014 by beyondcrushed

[Tbisb74]

You've left it a bit late, really, although it would have helped if you'd taken a photo as proof. He could plead provocation.

I don't know. In the UK, I would say immediately go to the police, but as you are in the USA I'm not sure what the levels or credibility would be.

 

I find physical violence abhorrent, no matter who's doing the hitting.

I actually intervened in a street argument one evening, when a young woman, in a drunken state, had her BF by the hair and was hauling him along the street. There was quite a screaming argument coming from both of them, but it was clear who was in overall charge....

I tripped her up and she went flying, but let go of his hair.

He immediately took the opportunity to flee the scene. She was screaming and yelling obscenities at me, but had a great deal of difficulty sounding coherent, as her words were so slurred. She also couldn't get up.

As far as I know, she may still be there. I just turned and walked off.

 

I would advise you to go to the Police station and discuss it with an officer and ask whether you should press charges.

[ChamomileWind]

I'm surprised you didn't threaten to call the cops at the moment he threatened to hit you for not giving back his cell. That wasn't self-defense at all (in fact, he started being physically abusive to you; he was the physical instigator) and yes you can report him; you should report him.

Edited July 21, 2014 by ChamomileWind

[beyondcrushed]

Thank you. I will go talk to the police. I did take pictures.

[d0nnivain]

The most puzzling thing about your post is that AFTER he hit you & told you to leave his house, you still wanted to stay to talk.

 

What part of that interaction made you think talking was still on the table.

 

You should have walked about & never looked back.

 

Based upon his statements that he wanted to drown your child & he wants to kill someone, alerting the police is a good idea but don't expect them to pursue your battery claim at this point, days later.

[beyondcrushed]

You should have walked about & never looked back.

 

I know, I know. I agree. I regret not just leaving immediately.

 

Based upon his statements that he wanted to drown your child & he wants to kill someone, alerting the police is a good idea but don't expect them to pursue your battery claim at this point, days later.

 

Not so concerned if they investigate or not. I just want to report it so they have something on file in case he hurts someone else in future.

[travelbug1996]

you may want to examine your motives for wanting to stay AFTER he hit you. That is very disturbing to me. Its like you wouldnt be concerned about calling the cops now if he had let you stay and talk. hmmmm

[ChamomileWind]

Good to hear you're going to report this.

I'm sick of tired of how some men get away with this, even when laws against violence have been created. I guess to them, it makes sense hitting someone that's not able to defend herself and is a lot weaker than him, which means nothing can happen to them. It's very easy hitting someone that's a lot weaker and smaller than you. This is what makes up a coward; trying to solve an argument by immediately hitting the woman or threatening her = doing something so easy.

 

A gentleman would immediately know his strength from the time he's a small child or in his very early teens and finds out ways to solve an argument/disagreement with the woman; other ways that doesn't involve doing the easiest thing by using his physical superiority nor hitting.

 

Let us know how it went. Don't listen to his pleas nor excuses of how it was your fault. No one put a gun to his head and force him to hit you. He made the choice to react with violence.

Edited July 22, 2014 by ChamomileWind

[rewl]

He might have hurt you, but what he did is technically not a crime, at least in the UK it isn't. If he punched you just once and managed to get his phone back, that qualifies as a reasonable use of force in self-defence. In fact, you were committing the crime both when you refused to return his possession and then later refused to leave his property.

[Tbisb74]

He might have hurt you, but what he did is technically not a crime, at least in the UK it isn't.

I think you'll find it is. Even threatened violence is an offence. ("Offences Against the Person Act, 1861").

It may harder to prove, admittedly, but it is a criminal offence, nevertheless.

 

If he punched you just once and managed to get his phone back, that qualifies as a reasonable use of force in self-defence.

Actually, that's UNreasonable force, and is completely out of order. And arrestable.

 

In fact, you were committing the crime both when you refused to return his possession and then later refused to leave his property.

She committed no crime, because she had no intention of permanently depriving him of his property, which is theft.

She committed no crime being on his property, because she was there by agreement. When he called the police, she left. If she had stayed, it could have been viewed as trespass, but impossible to uphold, given that she had been there with his consent. And this would be classified as a civil dispute, not a criminal one.

Don't blather out opinion and give it as fact when a bit of research would give you all the information you need.

This is just ignorant, and extremely unwise.

I hope none of your friends rely on your deep and intimate knowledge of British law. They'd all be banged up by now....

[beyondcrushed]

I think you'll find it is. Even threatened violence is an offence. ("Offences Against the Person Act, 1861").

It may harder to prove, admittedly, but it is a criminal offence, nevertheless.

 

 

Actually, that's UNreasonable force, and is completely out of order. And arrestable.

 

 

She committed no crime, because she had no intention of permanently depriving him of his property, which is theft.

She committed no crime being on his property, because she was there by agreement. When he called the police, she left. If she had stayed, it could have been viewed as trespass, but impossible to uphold, given that she had been there with his consent. And this would be classified as a civil dispute, not a criminal one.

Don't blather out opinion and give it as fact when a bit of research would give you all the information you need.

This is just ignorant, and extremely unwise.

I hope none of your friends rely on your deep and intimate knowledge of British law. They'd all be banged up by now....

 

Thank you. I appreciate your viewpoints and knowledge. And that's just it, I need to know more about the actual law.

 

I spoke to the local police. I asked what the process is and what will happen once I file a report. They said they are required to arrest and charge him. They gave me the number of the detective in charge of domestic violence and assault. I left without filing a report. I spoke to another friend who's been through something similar. She said it will get dragged into court, he will hire a lawyer, they will make you look crazy, I will have to hire a lawyer. It becomes a stressful mess. So I am reconsidering reporting him because I have to work with this a-hole. It may not be worth it. He's out of my personal life and I don't think he'll do anything to hurt me again.

 

I will be talking to a lawyer today too and see what he/she says.

[d0nnivain]

Report him anyway. You need it on file.

 

 

All you have to do to not look crazy is to be calm & straight forward. Your decision to stay after he hit you will be a point against your sanity but make this about the future threats not so much about the violence toward you even though at this point, that is the actual crime.

[ChamomileWind]

If he punched you just once and managed to get his phone back, that qualifies as a reasonable use of force in self-defence.

This is about the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Since when is ''Give me my cell or I'll hit you'' even self-defense. Since when is threatening violence when the person isn't even using violence on you self-defense?

 

No where does it states that her ex bf felt his life was endangered and that he truely was concerned for his safety. This would have been reasonable if for instance, the OP had a knife pointing at him and intended to kill him, then a punch to get her away from him would be seen as self-defense.

 

He didn't need to hit her like man to have his cell back. That was excessive force. A straight punch in a woman's face should be used as last resort (in extreme cases), not as first resort.

 

OP, by not reporting this you're letting him get away with violence and tolerating an unacceptable behavior. Even if you if doesn't do much, the fact is it will still be on the file that you reported him and that it happened.

Edited July 22, 2014 by ChamomileWind

[d0nnivain]

. If he punched you just once and managed to get his phone back, that qualifies as a reasonable use of force in self-defence.

 

 

The laws on self defense vary. Some US states have stand your ground laws (remember Trevon Martin & that Zimmerman fellow?) Most require retreat before the use of force will be allowed. Self defense is never allowed as a response to a property crime (theft of phone). It can only be used when the person is in imminent fear of bodily harm.

 

 

the OP was no threat to her BF even though she had his cell phone.

[ChamomileWind]

The laws on self defense vary. Some US states have stand your ground laws (remember Trevon Martin & that Zimmerman fellow?) Most require retreat before the use of force will be allowed. Self defense is never allowed as a response to a property crime (theft of phone). It can only be used when the person is in imminent fear of bodily harm.

 

 

the OP was no threat to her BF even though she had his cell phone.

This. The OP's bf just got violent because he felt like it, because he's a coward.

[beyondcrushed]

His actions were premeditated. He consciously chose to hit me instead of choosing to walk away. He didn't seem blind with rage or anger. He wasn't out of control.

 

I talked to a lawyer. Lawyer said that I'd be reporting a crime. That he'd be charged. He'd either plead guilty or not guilty. If not guilty, then it would go to trial. He'd have to hire a lawyer. And I'd simply be the witness.

 

Lawyer said that me withholding his cellphone and not leaving won't be an issue for me at all.

 

He said that me waiting a week to report it and if I wait longer will be an issue cause it will look like I'm just an angry exgf. He said I better have a good reason for waiting.

 

Plus, my exbf may lie about my behaviour/actions that night, and causing trouble for me.

 

PLUS, I have to work with him. Wow. I know I should charge him but I'm too scared of the repercussions.

[d0nnivain]

Listen to the LAWYER not a bunch of people on a message board.

 

 

If you don't take a stand to stop this, he will think he can get away this & he will get worse.

 

 

Once you file the report, bring it to HR at work so they become aware of potential safety issues.

[littleplanet]

What I don't get is this:

The reason an act of physical violence is reportable to the police is that it is assumed that this act can escalate into something more dangerous to your person.

Yet you stayed.

Did you have no fear? For your own safety?

 

The last time I ever went through an experience like this with a woman (and this was without any physical violence at all, just a lot of verbal jousting)....many long years ago - I felt incredibly manipulated.

 

I understand that you wished to confront this man.

I find it deplorable that his way of solving his problem was to resort to an act of violence.

 

But this altercation was still a tango between two players.

It was not completely and entirely unprovoked. And that does (and should) make a difference.

 

Is your report based entirely on that one act, or is it settled in revenge? (for his cheating.)

 

My own experience was also over a phone. I kept trying to make a phone call. She kept hanging it up on me. Until I finally "solved" my problem by ripping the phone off the wall and throwing it into a separate room, and locking the door.

Whereupon my act of violence was to defend myself from her furious swats and slaps by grabbing her wrists. Until I could finally make it into that locked room, alone. (and make my phone call.)

Yet I still had to deal with a police interrogation. That was 23 years ago.

Could that all have been handled better, differently? I have no doubt.

 

I would strongly suggest that your best course of action is to probably move on. As you stated, you work together. Something to consider.

 

Please note: I am not defending his action. But I don't see this altercation as cut and dry with no extenuating circumstances. Be prepared for the fact that the law may take that into account.

Unless you sustained a medically discernable injury, this may be a tough case in court.

What I do find equally disturbing though, is his verbal threats. Although people can and do say all kinds of things in anger - those threats are serious enough (although he has not acted on them.)

Threatening any harm to a child is just sick.

[preraph]

It's good you are telling the police. It's likely nothing much will happen yet, but if he continues to bother you, then you have a file going on him. So insist they make a complaint so something is on file, even if they don't pick him up. Or pick him up and let him right back out, as will no doubt happen.

 

Anytime someone tells you they feel capable of killing, take it very seriously. And that crack about holding the girl underwater, be sure you tell the police that as well.

 

They don't reform. They get worse as they age.

[spiderowl]

He might have hurt you, but what he did is technically not a crime, at least in the UK it isn't. If he punched you just once and managed to get his phone back, that qualifies as a reasonable use of force in self-defence. In fact, you were committing the crime both when you refused to return his possession and then later refused to leave his property.

 

I fail to see how that counts as self defence. She had not hit him. She kept his phone. I doubt that punching a woman who has your phone would count as self defence. Hitting back if someone hit you, maybe. Self defence (strictly speaking) is surely protecting your self (your body), not your possessions.

[Keenly]

I doubt the cops will take you seriously when you explain that this happened a couple months ago. I mean, sure, you have pictures, but that does not implicate him in any way.

 

 

You have evidence of an injury, but not of an assualt. I don't think this will go anywhere, as anyone can accuse anyone of anything, especially months later. If you want to, do it. Just be prepared for nothing to come of it.

[Tayla]

I agree with Keenly.

 

The moment you took his property and refused to give it back, it was theft.

The moment you refused to leave his premise, it was defiant trespassing.

The moment he forwarned you of a reprecussion you should have left.

 

He might get a misdemeanor for his part, but I see him counter claiming on your actions. Think about it before assuming you have the law fully on your side.

Edited July 23, 2014 by Tayla

[Tbisb74]

I agree with Keenly.

 

The moment you took his property and refused to give it back, it was theft.

No, it wasn't.

"In common usage, theft is the taking of another person's property without that person's permission or consent with the intent to permanently deprive the rightful owner of it."

Note the word, 'permanently'.

The moment you refused to leave his premise, it was defiant trespassing.

No it wasn't.

""an intentional interference with the possession of personal property, proximately causing injury". In plain English, going onto someone's land or property, but causing an access inconveneince to the rightful owner. As she had been there by invitation, there was no trespass.

 

The moment he forwarned you of a reprecussion you should have left.

Which, as soon as he began calling the Police, she did.

 

He might get a misdemeanor for his part, but I see him counter claiming on your actions. Think about it before assuming you have the law fully on your side.

Frankly, the man is such a jackass, I'm wondering what on earth she was doing with him in the first place, particularly when you read about a previous threat to her child....

People are far too quick to pick up on the emotional interaction between people and ascribe a legal tenet. Your comments are flawed, and if you really don't understand the law, it's a huge mistake to label some actions as illegal or injurious when firstly, it would be a Civil matter, not a Legal one, and secondly, they are nothing of the kind.

Edited July 23, 2014 by Tbisb74

[Tayla]

I respectfully disagree with tbis74 interpretation.The poster is at liberty to contact a legitimate lawyer who will graciously affirm the information i previously conveyed.

[dreamingoftigers]

I respectfully disagree with tbis74 interpretation.The poster is at liberty to contact a legitimate lawyer who will graciously affirm the information i previously conveyed.

Lawyer said otherwise.