smile95 Posted August 22, 2004 Share Posted August 22, 2004 I am being emotionally abused and he does not even realize it I think. I want so much to walk away and cannot. He always talks to me and convinces me to stay. Right now he is giving me the silent treatment and does this to hurt me and punish me. I did nothing wrong. I have called him and emailed and cried and he will not contact me. I want out. I need out and deserve better. Are their really guys out there that can love me the way I deserve? I am scared he is my lonly choice. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted August 22, 2004 Share Posted August 22, 2004 You need to learn to live happily without having to have a man around. Do you not see how bad it is that you prefer to be abused than alone? The point of having a companion is to make your life more pleasant. Trust me, being alone is *much* more pleasant than being abused. If you are so terrified of being on your own that you cling to abusive people, then it's time to get yourself to counselling because that is no sort of life to live. It's not a life at all! Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 22, 2004 Author Share Posted August 22, 2004 I did start counseling a few months ago. it is not him I love, it is the thought of being happy and in love. It is a LDR, so I build him up when he is not around and then reality hits. I have never been one to HAVE to have a bf, so I am not sure why I feel this way. He an be fun and sweet, but also very hurtful. I am working on it though. I just have to believe there is someone else out there who I will meet when the time is right Link to post Share on other sites
krbshappy71 Posted August 22, 2004 Share Posted August 22, 2004 Yes its possible and yes its very hard to leave. Things have to get to a certain point before you probably feel strong enough to leave. After my last mess I took three years off from men completely. I started to build male friendships that were not going to go past the friendship level. This helped me see there were some really good guys out there. I finally made the decision to date again and I found myself VERY suspicious of any red flags the guys may have that reminded me of the last relationship. Keep your eyes wide open and you can protect yourself from falling into this again. I'm with someone now that I finally believe is the "nice guy fantasy" I kept hearing about. There is also a list of "red flags" to look for if you search for websites that talk about abuse and their signs. This helped. The people doing this do not start out flat-out abusing. It starts so subtle sometimes you don't realize it until you are in the middle of one. Take care of yourself, there is only one you and so many good guys out there to choose from, don't settle for less in this life for yourself. Hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted August 22, 2004 Share Posted August 22, 2004 I just have to believe there is someone else out there who I will meet when the time is right Not only is there, but you might miss out on him altogether if you don't ditch the other guy and be available right away. Anyway, the fact remains that even if every other male on the planet mysteriously died and this one wa your only choice, he's still a jerk and bad for you Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 22, 2004 Author Share Posted August 22, 2004 Thanks! I know there are great guys out there. I have many friends that are guys who actaully care about me more than he ever did. About red flags...I am really keeping my eyes open. I ignored them before and thought nothing about it...now I know. It is just hard to finally let go. Ilove him. But it would be nice to feel loved in return and not just hear the words. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 22, 2004 Author Share Posted August 22, 2004 that is true. I am not even sure what it is I will miss about him. All I did was worry about where he was and when or if he would call. I could get a bum off the street to call me and see me more than he did! Link to post Share on other sites
Matilda Posted August 22, 2004 Share Posted August 22, 2004 My first husband went from emotionally abusive when we were dating, to physically abusive when we were married. I agree with krbshappy71 that things start out subtly, and then you realize you are in a big mess, and are not sure how to get out of it. I also agree with her that things get to a certain point, and then you leave. I think your point should be now. It has been my experience that things do not get better in these situations, only worse. I have been married to my 2nd husband for 10 years now. He is a calm and rational man, who treats me well, and is a great father. There is a life out there for you, but you will have to get rid of this jerk to find it. Be strong for yourself. You can do this, you are already taking the first steps. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 22, 2004 Author Share Posted August 22, 2004 thanks...I guess my 1st red flag should have been him telling me way back that his wife put in the divorce papers that he was emotionally abusive...and I was like"oh my God, how could she say that about you" and then his true colors came out and I am like "Oh my God, I totally see this now!"...I guess those things do not suddenly change right? I am at a point where I have to leave...silent treatment for 4 wks!!! I need to get out.thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
2ndgenrationOW Posted August 25, 2004 Share Posted August 25, 2004 i was with a guy who started out just like this we were he went on th do far worse things i never told anyone i just let it happen and it went on for over a year before the first time he hit me at that point i left but i always went back. i was in high school at the time and everyone saw what was going on and no one did anything to help me after i graduated he left town for a month and that helped me so much cause even thaw i was in therapy i still was not away from him after he came back i went back thinking maybe he might have changed but i was wrong they never change i left him the last time almost 2 years ago and we had been together for 2 years before that i have never looked back. i told everyone i knew about it after the last time i left so they would not want me around him and that worked for me i am so much happier and i do want to thank him cause with out him i would never have found out how strong i am or figured out that i want to be a cop tp help other women out of bad things like this when you are ready to leave you will know it and you just have to not look back again good luck and keep us posted on what you do Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted August 25, 2004 Share Posted August 25, 2004 I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for almost a year. I moved with him to another country before realizing who he really was. It was very difficult for me to get away because every time I would mention that I didn't think the way he was treating me was right he'd convince me it was my fault and that I wouldn't be happy with anyone else. Although he never hit me, he was violent in the home and would often appear to be ready to strike me. One day I woke up and realized that I was worth more than this and even if I were to be alone for the rest of my life at least I wouldn't be scared to death and looking over my shoulder all the time. I was loaned money for a plane ticket (I wasn't working and completely dependent on him) and left two days after telling him I already had a ticket. I never regretted it, I never looked back and I'm so glad I left when I did. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 25, 2004 Author Share Posted August 25, 2004 I have been miserable for 1.5 yrs/2 yrs. I want out and every night i prayed for strength. He started this silent treatment a month a go and has not talked to me since. He is going thry a divorce and is stressed and i guess he does not want to talk to me. I chase him to talk because i get afraid we are done, but deep down i want out....makes no sense i know? Well he knows i love him and i make that clear and likes me chasing him. I really hope i can leave and not look back. How do i fught the urge to call him -it scares me to think that i will never talk to him again. I have no self esteem anymore. He will call me wheni stop for a while because he likes to know i am there, but does not like to talk to me about his problems and when i want to talk about things...he says "we are fine" . He also turns stuff around on me sdo i end up saying sorry for things he did???? How did i get to this point. I really hope i cn do this. I cry everyday and it is to the point where I am seeing a therapist and taking antidepressants. How can i love a man who does this? I am lost. Somedays I just do all io can to get to my car after work and just cry the whole ride home. Everytime i try and contact, i get hurt more when he ignores me. Thanks for letting me vent. I need out and i know i deserve better and i HOPE that this is not what love feels like. I should have seen red flags when the wife put he was emotionally abusive in the div papers! He justified it and i fell for that too!!! One day i bet he will call me when he realizes i am for real this time. I have said i was done soooo many times, he will not even think twice this time. thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Mel888 Posted August 26, 2004 Share Posted August 26, 2004 There is no excuse for emotional abuse, it is just as bad as physical abuse. Yes I have been in a realtionship that I got out of and stayed out of. It is very hard, but you can do it and just remember that you do deserve better and he's not the last man on earth. Sometimes it seems that no one else will take you, but that's not true. Screw this guy and move on. The abuse will take you down in time and you may never be able to recover. I have been away from my ex for almost 7 years and I'm still recovering. Take care and good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 26, 2004 Author Share Posted August 26, 2004 Is it normal for me to lose my self esteem when in an emotionally abusive relationship? WOuld this be abuse? Silent treatment, telling me things that he knows hurts me, letting me down and breaking promises, telling me we are fine when we are not, making me take the blame and apologize for stuff he did just to get him to talk to me again??? I am an attractive girl I have been told by many, but he makes me feel so unwanted that I feel I will never find another. He still has not called me in a month since he is going thru a divorce and stress at work , he feels that he needs time I guess. He ignores all my attmepts to call him. ALL Link to post Share on other sites
2ndgenrationOW Posted August 27, 2004 Share Posted August 27, 2004 with out a doubt that is abuse and he just wants you to wait till he wants to talk to you forget that you sound like nice person i been there done all this and this is the perfect time to move on and get away from him before he hurts you more it starts out with just verbal but once he knows you will stay it will keep on going till he does something a lot worse Link to post Share on other sites
RowanRavyn Posted August 27, 2004 Share Posted August 27, 2004 YOU CAN DO IT!!! Please get yourself back into counseling, change your phone number, and get on with your life. Emotional abuse (IMHO) not only leads to other kinds of abuse, but it leaves the most scars. Being emotionally abused is like being dismembered slowly and painfully. You lose tiny bits of yourself. Self-respect, self-esteem, you lose your creativity, your ability to just enjoy life. By destroying someone first through emotional abuse, they are less likely to leave when things become physically violent. Current statistics say that one in every four women will become a victim of domestic violence in their life times. Think of that the next time you stand in line at the grocery, or you are sitting at work. One in four. (sorry I don't have statistics for men and homosexual couples). It also often takes a woman seven times to leave permanently. Unfortunately each time she tries she increases her chances of not surviving to escape. Get out now. You ARE worth it. It is possible. I left the place I had lived for twenty nine years, and flew three thousand miles to get away. You are already a statistic, please don't allow yourself to be a victim any longer. Link to post Share on other sites
ziggue Posted August 27, 2004 Share Posted August 27, 2004 I was in a Emotionally Abusive Realtionship for a couple of months. About 2 years ago. They start of really sweet to suck you in and after that they start showing their real colours. I remember he kept raising his voice to me for no reason, accused me of cheating on him all the time calling me a slut , also one time he was saying something about how I can't live without my friends and I see them like every couple of weeks. I hated the way he yelled at me for no reason at all. It was like he was controlling me. I left about 2 times. Then still came back. Probably only because I still wanted to feel like I was in a relationship with someone. The 3rd time we broke up it was for good. Have been for like 2 years. For some strange reason got a couple of phone calls from him this year. I recognised the number on my mobile and always hung up on it straight away. I was single for what seemed like forever and finally met someone. At the beginning of this year. . He treats me really well and is the total opposite to my Ex. Hopefully it lasts! Ditch this guy before the abuse turns worse or maybe even physical. I agree with the sooner you do this the sooner you will find someone who you really deserve and treats you right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 27, 2004 Author Share Posted August 27, 2004 It breaks my heart that somehow I love someone who hurts me. I truly loved him and in his crazy mind, he may love me, but I really am miserable. Love should not be this hard and love should not hurt so much. I am going to let go and if he comes back, then I hope and pray I am strong enough by then to see what he is doing to me. THanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Mel888 Posted August 27, 2004 Share Posted August 27, 2004 I'm going to agree with 2ndgener.! This is just the begining, it will get worse. MRM in the start told me that he just needed room, or was to tired to talk, and it got worse, much worse. I left, but it was hard. Just remember that if he is in the process of getting a divorce, then maybe he isn't marriage material. I'm not saying for sure, because it takes to to get married and two to get divorced, and there is always two sides to every story, but you shouldn't even be in a relationship with some one who's divorce isn't even final. Please take care, I hate to see any one male or female to go through this. This abuse may not seem to bad now, but it will last for a lot longer than you think. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted August 27, 2004 Author Share Posted August 27, 2004 I find that I try to justify what he does to me and it is just not right! I know that he is not marriage material. I have heard stories that she even accused him of emotional abuse and I said "Oh how could she say that about you". Then after about 6 months I saw his true colors. I am 4 days with no contact and I am ok. He has not contacted me, but prob because i threaten to leave so much, he figures i will call in a week as always. I will not this time!!! thanks everyone. I just need to get my self esteem back up Link to post Share on other sites
LittleMiss Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 I was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship for about a year. It's weird because I always told myself that I would never put up with that kind of stuff from a man. We would fight and he would end up hurting me in one way or another. I remember having to make excuses at work when I showed up with a bruise on my cheek. Time after time I took him back. He always knew exactly what to say. He always put my son into the situation and told me how he loved me and he would never do it again. Finally, after another fight where I was pushed around and I was actually scared for my life this time, I made him leave. I stood up to him and told him that if he was going to hurt me that I was going to fight back and I would scream as loud as hell and someone would call the cops. (I would have called myself but he had already thrown the phone against the wall and it broke). It's been three months now and he still calls me everyday! He still begs to come back to me and says how much he loves me and how he'll never do it again. I thought I loved him too, but now I know that I love myself more. I stay away and avoid his calls for my sake and for my son's. I didn't want him seeing all the violence. I didn't want him growing up thinking that was the way to do things. You can be strong too if your being abused. It just takes A LOT of courage. You need to think if it's worth it and if you are willing to live your life in fear or pain. Be strong! I know you can!! Link to post Share on other sites
1moment Posted September 6, 2004 Share Posted September 6, 2004 A friend was in an extremely emotionally abusive relationship. It took her 2 to 3 years to recover and gain any self worth back. He had her so brainwashed!! Not before she ended up getting pregnant by the guy. It was in one of the moments of "giving him one more chance" She did not have the baby. Although it was a really bad experience, and some of us thought she would never bounce back, she did. Now she is involved with an amazing person, who cares for her and is everything she ever wanted, and who treats her like she should be treated...like a person! Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted September 6, 2004 Author Share Posted September 6, 2004 THanks for the post. It gives me hope. We are done and have not talked, but I feellike I crave the "I love you" words. Becasue all they were were words. No actions. It was hard for me to see he hurt me. He actaully is giving me the silent treatment for the last month so I decided not to go back again this time. I was so miserable with him, but he convinced me we were fine. My self esteem is on the floor, but, I look fwd to meeting the right one-thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts