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Don't know if it was abuse or an issue with BDP, BUT I know why I stayed.......

ladybug1984

By ladybug1984
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ladybug1984 Established Member

ladybug1984

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He told me I was beautiful EVERY DAY and made me feel super-attractive with his actions. Yes, after a lot of self-reflection, I know, that's why. Shallow, I know, but that's what my 'need' was and this is what made me feel so connected to him. Is this ridiculous? And obviously it shouldn't be enough to justify going back. It's been five months I've been away, and it has been a struggle, but I think I am finally almost 'there'. Somebody help me process this :)). Tell me it isn't a reason enough to go back to ALL of the other bad behaviors (which I won't repeat in this post, but there were plenty).

 

 

Still don't know if it was pre-abuse behavior or truly BDP, but wondering if that even matters.

 

 

I am just trying to process so I can move on and these issues are kind of where I am at with it all.

 

Any input is great :).

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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You have to be secure in yourself to be able to validate your own self-worth -- it says a lot about your self-esteem if you are willing to tolerate abuse just because you need to be told how beautiful you are. You don't know you are beautiful and attractive? What do his sweet words about your external value mean when he completely nulifies all that by diminishing you internally with abusive behavior?

 

You should be able to look in the mirror and believe you are all that and a bag of chips and be content and secure with that. You don't need a man to say it to you to believe it.

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ladybug1984 Established Member

ladybug1984

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You have to be secure in yourself to be able to validate your own self-worth -- it says a lot about your self-esteem if you are willing to tolerate abuse just because you need to be told how beautiful you are. You don't know you are beautiful and attractive? What do his sweet words about your external value mean when he completely nulifies all that by diminishing you internally with abusive behavior?

 

You should be able to look in the mirror and believe you are all that and a bag of chips and be content and secure with that. You don't need a man to say it to you to believe it.

 

 

Zahara, everything you say makes sense. Yet I feel that way. WHAT can I do to make myself have that self-worth? Honestly, isn't it something you either have or you don't? I am honestly asking for input. If I don't have it, then how do I get it????? NO, I think his words nullifies his abusive behavior - logically I don't. Yet I keep (or DID keep - I've managed to stay away) putting up with the abuse just for the words. In theory, all of it makes sense what you are saying. Practically speaking, I obviously don't know how to make it better :(((

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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Zahara, everything you say makes sense. Yet I feel that way. WHAT can I do to make myself have that self-worth? Honestly, isn't it something you either have or you don't? I am honestly asking for input. If I don't have it, then how do I get it????? NO, I think his words nullifies his abusive behavior - logically I don't. Yet I keep (or DID keep - I've managed to stay away) putting up with the abuse just for the words. In theory, all of it makes sense what you are saying. Practically speaking, I obviously don't know how to make it better :(((

 

You have to dig deep and figure where and when you started losing yourself. Was it your past, your childhood, a bad relationship, etc. that broke you down along the way? Were you always seeking external validation? Was there a time when you felt confident about yourself? Do some soul searching.

 

First thing you need to do is put men and relationships aside for a long while. Focus on you. Start with a good counselor. You may have to try out a few to see who fits you.

 

Get some good reading on self help books and don't just read and put it away, go back and keep reading -- highlight words and writings that provoke you, that correlate with how you feel, that explain why you do the things you do, that help you connect the dots. A book that I continue reading is The Courage To Be Yourself by Sue Patton Thoele. You can hit the library and see what books entice you.

 

Get back to you. What do you love doing? What are your passions? Volunteering helps you find perspective. What have you been putting off when you were consumed with prioritizing a man? Do you have goals? What do you hope for 2014 -- for you? What are your wanting to accomplish? Write these down. Strive to achieve them.

 

Go to the gym. Start a workout plan. When you feel great outside, you feel great inside.

 

Start a journal. Write about how you feel today. Start working on yourself. In a year, you'll see how much has changed from day one -- when you were broken and how far you've come into investing in yourself, seeing all the progress you have made. It will motivate you and it will show you how much you accomplished within yourself. It's almost like a measuring stick.

 

Self esteem doesn't appear. You have to cultivate it and then nurture it. If you allow it to get abused and used, there is no other way to regain it but to rebuild. And the last thing you want to do is be around unhealthy people. Surround yourself with positive people. Go to meetup groups and involve yourself in activities you like. Find support groups in your area.

Edited by Zahara
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ladybug1984 Established Member

ladybug1984

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You have to dig deep and figure where and when you started losing yourself. Was it your past, your childhood, a bad relationship, etc. that broke you down along the way? Were you always seeking external validation? Was there a time when you felt confident about yourself? Do some soul searching.

 

First thing you need to do is put men and relationships aside for a long while. Focus on you. Start with a good counselor. You may have to try out a few to see who fits you.

 

Get some good reading on self help books and don't just read and put it away, go back and keep reading -- highlight words and writings that provoke you, that correlate with how you feel, that explain why you do the things you do, that help you connect the dots. A book that I continue reading is The Courage To Be Yourself by Sue Patton Thoele. You can hit the library and see what books entice you.

 

Get back to you. What do you love doing? What are your passions? Volunteering helps you find perspective. What have you been putting off when you were consumed with prioritizing a man? Do you have goals? What do you hope for 2014 -- for you? What are your wanting to accomplish? Write these down. Strive to achieve them.

 

Go to the gym. Start a workout plan. When you feel great outside, you feel great inside.

 

Start a journal. Write about how you feel today. Start working on yourself. In a year, you'll see how much has changed from day one -- when you were broken and how far you've come into investing in yourself, seeing all the progress you have made. It will motivate you and it will show you how much you accomplished within yourself. It's almost like a measuring stick.

 

Self esteem doesn't appear. You have to cultivate it and then nurture it. If you allow it to get abused and used, there is no other way to regain it but to rebuild. And the last thing you want to do is be around unhealthy people. Surround yourself with positive people. Go to meetup groups and involve yourself in activities you like. Find support groups in your area.

 

 

 

Thank you, Zahara. I think I need to print this out and figure out where to start. I wish there was a magic button that made it just appear, but I know you are right that it has to be something that we work at. I don't know if I was ever broken, rather I don't think I ever had it to begin with. Though I suppose it had to start somewhere. Something for me to think about. And why DO I feel the need to get that validation from someone else?? YES, I have a lot to think about. I wonder if I am the only one who has felt like this??? I am just proud of myself for figuring out what the heck it was that kept drawing me to him, as there were sooo many reasons to NOT be drawn. I consider it a success already that I finally have an answer that I asked myself for so long - WHY did I stay and put up with it for so long???

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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Thank you, Zahara. I think I need to print this out and figure out where to start. I wish there was a magic button that made it just appear, but I know you are right that it has to be something that we work at. I don't know if I was ever broken, rather I don't think I ever had it to begin with. Though I suppose it had to start somewhere. Something for me to think about. And why DO I feel the need to get that validation from someone else?? YES, I have a lot to think about. I wonder if I am the only one who has felt like this??? I am just proud of myself for figuring out what the heck it was that kept drawing me to him, as there were sooo many reasons to NOT be drawn. I consider it a success already that I finally have an answer that I asked myself for so long - WHY did I stay and put up with it for so long???

 

I felt like you after my divorce. Getting involved with crappy men and staying to get any sort of validation because I was broken from my marriage. Felt ugly, unworthy and desperate. I finally stopped dating -- went to counseling, started volunteering, exercising, started school and after a year or so started feeling good about myself. I felt accomplished. Most of all, don't feel the need to have a man. If it happens, it happens and if not, it's fine. Granted I miss the companionship but I'm in no hurry to go out and look for it. Too many things going on in my life. Only recently I took a vacation on my own to the Carribean. God knows there was a time I was afraid to eat alone in a restaurant.

 

Yes, you've won half the battle when you're able to step out of yourself and ask the why and what. I find that just writing my thoughts sometimes allows me to pen rationally. Ask yourself questions. My therapist used to list questions, had me take them home and write my responses in essay format. It made me sit and think. From my essays she would dig into my writings and pose more questions. Many times I would sit there and go, "Ahhhh...I see."

 

A good therapist is where you should start.

imtooconfused Established Member

imtooconfused

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Any input is great :).

 

It's very good that you recognize how he is able to capture your attention. Abusers are instinctively good at finding weak points in people and exploiting those weaknesses for their manipulation. The fact that you have identified his manipulations is a major accomplishment.

 

Now that you see how he manipulates you, you can be stronger to fight his efforts. He may only say the things he says because he knows what it means to you rather than actually feeling the words himself. Be strong by blocking and deflecting his efforts, regardless of how sweet they sound.

 

Next as Zahara has indicated, you have to work on building your self-confidence in those weakness areas so that you are no longer vulnerable to his or anyone else's manipulations. This will certainly not be easy to do, and I have no better recommendations than Zahara's.

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ladybug1984 Established Member

ladybug1984

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YES, I have a lot of work to do............and it seems overwhelming. But my other option is to stay in a state of turmoil, confusion, and all of the other emotions that I have been experiencing. So I move forward. It is going to be SOOOO hard not to respond if he contacts me first. I have been better than I ever imagined about not contacting him, but heaven forbid if he reaches out. I need to prepare myself. imtooconfused and zahara - thank you both for your input. I am going to stay on these boards because I need the support. I agree 100% with everything said. It's up to me now. And I HOPE I can do it!

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ladybug1984 Established Member

ladybug1984

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Also, had NEVER heard of BDP until Downtown shared it with me in another post. I am absolutely convinced that this guy probably has it, whether it has ever been diagnosed or not. I truly feel like he does have it. How could I never have heard of this?!?!? I always thought I was a pretty intelligent person, well-educated, well-rounded, etc. Boy, did I sure need some enlightenment on this.

Hopeful714 Established Member

Hopeful714

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I can only add that because of what happened you may be feeling especially down on yourself now. One of the hardest things for me to get over was that I felt so fooled. I felt like an idiot and I was humiliated by that. But in retrospect, I now know I wasn't completely fooled, I saw the signs, I knew they were off...but I just couldn't figure it all out until I was completely away and learned what they meant. And this place helped teach me.

 

Everyone on LS can most likely attest to my lack of esteem over a year ago. If you follow the awesome advice given here, I promise you...it will come back greater then ever. Hang in there. It takes time.

Hopeful714 Established Member

Hopeful714

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ooops...one more thing to add....

 

Sounds like you are thinking of contact. I don't think you will, but maybe you are hoping or thinking he will.... just to set things right. You need to accept (and this is hard) that things most likely will never be set right in these situations.

 

If and when you receive contact it will most likely be because he wants to see if your pining for him, or he needs an ego boost, and/or in the remote chance...he may feel a tinge of guilt and is looking for forgiveness w/o ever really apologizing. There are many posts that deal with this. Read a few. Be prepared so you are not thrown emotionally if he contacts.

 

When I received my last breadcrumb, I responded in a one liner that basically said...Life is good, see ya. He texted again but I never replied. I guess at that point I really didn't have a single thing to say and knew even if I did, it wouldn't make a speck of difference. I was just done. And yea, he had been seeing someone else for a while when he made contact. Creep.

Edited by Hopeful714
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ladybug1984 Established Member

ladybug1984

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ooops...one more thing to add....

 

Sounds like you are thinking of contact. I don't think you will, but maybe you are hoping or thinking he will.... just to set things right. You need to accept (and this is hard) that things most likely will never be set right in these situations.

 

If and when you receive contact it will most likely be because he wants to see if your pining for him, or he needs an ego boost, and/or in the remote chance...he may feel a tinge of guilt and is looking for forgiveness w/o ever really apologizing. There are many posts that deal with this. Read a few. Be prepared so you are not thrown emotionally if he contacts.

 

When I received my last breadcrumb, I responded in a one liner that basically said...Life is good, see ya. He texted again but I never replied. I guess at that point I really didn't have a single thing to say and knew even if I did, it wouldn't make a speck of difference. I was just done. And yea, he had been seeing someone else for a while when he made contact. Creep.

 

 

No, I am not PLANNING on making contact. BUT a. I have been known to have weak moments (I HOPE and pray I am past that, BUT, just saying I can be weak at times) and b. I am trying to be proactive in case HE makes contact. I don't think I would get an apology. But I might get something as you mentioned just to see if I still have any thoughts of him. I am going to have to be tough. And YES, I do feel fooled. Feel like I was totally stupid. I am going to try not to be too hard on myself, yet I truly SHOULD have known better. You can bet I am going to share some of what I have learned (including that list) with friends so THEY won't ever be caught off guard like I was :(( HOpeful, thank you for the encouragement!

Hopeful714 Established Member

Hopeful714

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You can't be expected to "know" something unless you have an opportunity to "learn" it.

 

Consider it a lesson in human nature and psychology. Granted a lesson you really didn't want to learn...but unfortunately you had to because it presented itself. Believe it or not it's a lesson that will be most valuable in your future.

 

Ha! Good luck with the friends thing. Sometimes people just don't get it, or don't want to face facts because "they love him". I see this in some of my friends... no amount of warning phases them. I guess it all comes down to people having different levels of self respect for themselves and what they will tolerate.

 

Be well...and keep posting!

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ladybug1984 Established Member

ladybug1984

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Thank you, Hopeful. I hope I don't cave and I HOPE that I can take what I learned and NOT GO THROUGH IT AGAIN. I did love him - and hope that I will remember that sometimes love isn't enough. And you are right about other people. I can only hope they never get presented with that kind of situation in the first place. This board has helped me more than I can EVER express.

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