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Getting the silent treatment from boyfriend

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Old 1st July 2008, 1:41 AM   #1
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Getting the silent treatment from boyfriend

I'm really hoping that y'all can help me out here.

My boyfriend has been giving me the silent treatment for nearly a month. The thing is, he acts like all is well, says he still loves me, thinks we are good together etc..but then pull this "emotional disappearing" act on me.

One time when I didn't hear from him for nearly 2 weeks, I was pretty vocal about questioning whether we were still together or not and and even said " guess im single' *yay* to cover up the pain of him not bothering to make contact for all that time. Well, I think he took that seriously, because he asked me if the any of the few messages I left him while he was "away" were nasty? Honestly, what am i supposed to think when my bf up and disappears on me for 2 weeks!? Thing is we spoke about it and I explained that I thought he left me etc... and he said he was sorry and that things were OK-or so I thought...

Ever since then he has disappeared on me emotionally. Is never "available" even though he "right there." Won't return messages/ calls, IMs etc... The strange thing is, is that when I called him 2 weeks after he disappeared on me (yes, he left me when he knew I had been upset) he was seemingly elated to hear from me. So, what the hell?

I would like to know what is up, but he doesn't respond to me at all. I don't want to keep pestering him about this, but this silent treatment thingy is really starting to anger me and I don't know what the hell to think.

I really love him,and I can't help but think my "single" comment is what put him off,but I don't believe (especially after clearing it all up) that it rendered me deserving of this emotional abuse! In all fairness, up until that point it had been me making all the effort in our relationship, and he is the one who is upset!?
He told me he knows he can talk to me about anything I have done that has upset him, but he DOESN'T! He only pulls this behavior on me.

Is he sad, angry, or what? Should I return the favor? What can I do to get through to him.

Please offer me some advice and support...
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Old 1st July 2008, 1:50 AM   #2
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I don't see how you don't see it but girlie he does not want to be with you- sorry that might sound harsh but it's the truth. Your his go-to girl, he knows your at his becking call.

tsk tsk. open your eyes he doesn't love you.

let him go because he already did you.

goodluck to ya!
Marriage hath in it less of beauty but more of safety, than the single life; it hath more care, but less danger, it is more merry, and more sad; it is fuller of sorrows, and fuller of joys; it lies under more burdens, but it is supported by all the strengths of love and charity, and those burdens are delightful.-Bishop Jeremy Taylor
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Old 1st July 2008, 2:18 AM   #3
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I know you love him, honey, but if you go 2 weeks without talking, he isn't your boyfriend anymore.

Simply put, he doesn't have balls to put an end to it, so you might as well do it for him. And don't let him manipulate you anymore. Your emotions and well being are worth more than this.
That's just what I think....

UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
nothing is going to get better. It's not.

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Old 13th July 2008, 11:36 PM   #4
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This guy is definitely ambivalent.

This disappearing and reappearing act is not a good sign. He has issues (issues that have NOTHING to do with you) but he's managed to catch you up in his psychological drama.

The longer you stay with this man, the more difficult it will be to extricate yourself. As much as it may hurt now, you need to bail out. This is not a healthy situation and there isn't anything you can do to make it so.

Good luck to you and please keep posting if you need help and support getting through this.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."
-Albert Camus
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Old 14th July 2008, 12:08 AM   #5
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It's cruel to disappear on someone who cares about you, for two weeks without a word. He's a total jerk and a control freak.

I would consider your relationship severed and work towards moving on. There's absolutely no reason to enable his behaviour any further.
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Old 14th July 2008, 3:43 AM   #6
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I recently went through this. I am a damn strong woman and it broke me down a little at a time. I have learned lots about this sort of behavior because I was on the receiving end of this type of extreme withdrawal. I see that some posters say that he doesn't want you. That may not be the case. It could also be about punishment and control. I took me a long time to realize that it didn't matter why he was doing it or if it was intentionally to punish, hurt or that he simply didn't care. What mattered was that I allowed myself to be treated that way and that the damage it eventually caused was not easy to heal. Please do not do that to yourself and find whatever strength you need to to walk away now and don't look back.
I kept asking Clarence why our world seemed to be collapsing and things seemed to be getting so ****ty. And he'd say, "that's the way it goes, but don't forget, it goes the other way too." That's the way romance is... Usually, that's the way it goes, but every once in awhile, it goes the other way too.
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Old 14th July 2008, 3:08 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by BubbleBear81 View Post
Is he sad, angry, or what? Should I return the favor? What can I do to get through to him.

Please offer me some advice and support...
To get through to him? By that, do you mean stop him from doing this?

This relationship isn't working. You know it's not working because it's making you unhappy, which is the exact opposite of what a relationship is supposed to do. You think you know what's wrong, and how it can be fixed...but that would involve your boyfriend cutting out this habit of giving you the silent treatment for weeks on end.

Behavioural habits like that can be extremely difficult for people to break. Even when they feel motivated to break them - and your guy here might not be remotely motivated to stop treating you so casually.

Let's say you manage to calmly raise this thing of him habitually ceasing communication and leaving you to wonder whether things are over or if the two of you are "on a break". If it's simply a case of him being apathetic towards you; you not occupying a central place in his life....then you're not his partner. If you want to put a name on what the two of you have together, f*ckbuddy might be more appropriate.

If he does genuinely see you as a serious girlfriend and doesn't know why he feels compelled to ignore you for weeks on end, then bearing in mind that it makes you unhappy (as it would make most people unhappy) he needs to figure it out and break the habit if the relationship's to stand a chance.

But it's for him to break that habit in whatever way he thinks he can break it (assuming he wants to). What I really don't recommend is that you get involved in trying to identify and address any issues that might be causing him to behave like this towards you. Loveshack is filled with the aftermath of people who tried to "sort out" an indifferent or self-involved partner's head, and ended up needing help to sort out their own.

Your only role, I think, is to say something that amounts to "I find this silent treatment really strange. I can't deal with a relationship that features that kind of thing. If you can't cut it out, then this won't work and we'll have to break up for good. It's up to you."

It's an ultimatum. People are always advising against them - but only because they assume you can't cope with the other person saying "I won't do that for you. We'll have to break up." But that's the whole point of an ultimatum. It lets the other person know that you've finally reached that crossroads where they either give you something you need or the two of you separate.

Last edited by Taramere; 14th July 2008 at 3:17 PM..
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Old 15th July 2008, 4:01 PM   #8
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This is definitely not a healthy relationship. This is emotional abuse, and I know how much this kind of pain hurts. If you aren't too heavily invested in him, get out now. As a woman involved in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship, I am only letting you know that it will get worse and (if you can believe it) even more painful than it is now. Let him go while you can still get out.
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Old 30th July 2008, 4:05 PM   #9
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Lolobear is SO right

He is emotionally abusive. Silent treatment is passive/aggressive anger. Anger at YOU? Probably not but it sounds like you are his emotional dart board. You have done nothing wrong,honey. He is an abuser,pure and simple. There is nothing you can say or do to "change" him. He needs a lot of psychological help and even that might not help.
He's abusing you,being mean,keeping you emotionally off balance. Disappearing for 2 weeks? That's not love,honey. It's not even caring. You deserve so much more.
If you go no contact with him,he will probably come over everyday....ANYTHING to keep you on the hook. Then,when you think he's your "boyfriend" again,off he will go. He NEEDS you in his take out all his anger on.
I know saying "walk away" at this point seems strange to you. But where do you think he WAS for 2 weeks? Put 2 and 2 together. He wants you to worry over him,to keep you tied to him. But that's ALL he wants honey.
Been there,done that. I walked away and WOW,am I ever happier.
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Old 30th July 2008, 5:36 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by BubbleBear81 View Post
He told me he knows he can talk to me about anything I have done that has upset him, but he DOESN'T! He only pulls this behavior on me.

Is he sad, angry, or what? Should I return the favor? What can I do to get through to him.

Please offer me some advice and support...
Well there is the question. Is there something you did to upset him?

What would he have to be angry about?
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