Deal Breaker?

[BeFree]

As many of you know, I love my BF very much and think he is the most kind, generous, down to earth person I have ever known. We decided a few weeks ago that we would get engaged a year from now. So, spring 2007. We have been together for a little over 3 years and he is 42 and I am 32. (oh god almost 33, eek)

 

Ever since we made this pack, I have been silently freaking out. I am starting to worry about if he really is the one for me. He is so set in his ways and I feel like I am doing all the compromising at times. He does not want children and It's ok with me. I think. But what if one day I wake up and want a child. Then I am in big trouble. He also wants my beautiful little dog to not sleep in the house. I think it may be my deal breaker. He told me this when my other dog was still alive and it did not bother me. Now I have Ally who is being trained to compete in frisbee and we both love her to death. He plays with Ally for hours and tells her how much he loves her. But then last night he says how he still thinks dogs should be outside. I could not disagree more. Ally is like my child and I can't throw her outside.

 

I'm really confused. I love my BF he is so special to me. We have tried to break up before but we can never seem to be without one another. But I can't just be the only one to compromise all the time. He is so set in his ways and I think he just wants this perfect life with no messes and no responsibilty and thats just not how life works IMO.

 

I have been struggling with these thoughts since for a few weeks and I am really not sure what to do.....

[witabix]

If you have a dichotomy between your dog and your man I would say he is not the man for you.

 

How can this be such a big deal?

 

I love dogs, my last one would sleep next to my bed. I know how attached we can get to our pets believe me!

 

But...... they are pets, not lovers (well not to most people ) not partners, not husbands/wives/daughters/sons.

 

I had a gf who would place pets above people, note the 'had', in the end she just didn't think enough of people, including me.

 

So if this is an issue now this guy is not the one for you. Find a man who has the same attitude, or buy a dog kennel. Canines can survive outside honestly.

[Curmudgeon]

Keep struggling. It sounds as if you're not on the same page with one another when it comes to some values the two of you don't share. That, and his being "set in his ways," does not bode well for a future. A lasting relationship takes a lot of give-and-take and it can't be a one-way street.

 

Being that set in his ways connotes stubborness and control issues. My way or highway. Is that how you wish to live your life, always waiting for the final shoe to drop? I think you can do and deserve better. Couples counseling appears to be in order to either reach the ability to compromise or establish the futility.

[BeFree]

Keep struggling. It sounds as if you're not on the same page with one another when it comes to some values the two of you don't share. That, and his being "set in his ways," does not bode well for a future. A lasting relationship takes a lot of give-and-take and it can't be a one-way street.

 

Being that set in his ways connotes stubborness and control issues. My way or highway. Is that how you wish to live your life, always waiting for the final shoe to drop? I think you can do and deserve better. Couples counseling appears to be in order to either reach the ability to compromise or establish the futility.

 

I think we both think eachother is controling and stubborn. Infact that is exactly what I told him last night. I have told him before, that before we get married I think we need to go to couples counseling. Not for any other reason, than he is a horrible communicator. It's not necessarily his fault and it does not make him a bad person, he is just really bad at expressing his feelings and being open to a give and take conversation that may be uncomfortable.

 

Watibix, I am not necessarily wanting to put a canine before my lover, but I don't want to have to go to extremes for a man. Perhaps I am being stubborn and controling. But I feel that if I continue to be the only one who compromises, I will end up bitter and angry. I guess I am kinda of asking where do you set the boundries?

[magda]

Why not resolve the communication issue now? Deciding to get engaged a year from now isn't that much different from being engaged now. Marriage doesn't work without communication - why not do the couples counseling now before another year goes by. If you can't resolve these issues and communicate effectively you won't do well in a marriage.

 

And the possible children issue and the dogs are, I think, a big deal as it des show his inability to compromise. Potentially a really big deal.

[tikigods]

Dogs should be inside and around people. Anyone who told me differently wouldn't be my sig other very much longer. That being said you need to explain to him just how important it is for a dog to be a member of the pack unit that is a family, prehaps you can compramise by having her craete trained that way at night he knows she isn't running around doing certain things, or when you are out of the house knows she is safe and sound

 

I am going to also add, this children issue is a big one that does break a lot of people off. I have seen a lot of people get married when they want kids and their paretner doesn't and end up resenting them, and even oopings the Dad into having one anyway *not saying you will* but if you aren't set on no kids and might want one someday then I think you need to find someone that if more open in the kid department. To me this is the biggest deal breaker ever since you can't take back a kid once its in the world (well I guess you kinda can but you know what I mean ;D)

[BeFree]

Dogs should be inside and around people. Anyone who told me differently wouldn't be my sig other very much longer. That being said you need to explain to him just how important it is for a dog to be a member of the pack unit that is a family, prehaps you can compramise by having her craete trained that way at night he knows she isn't running around doing certain things, or when you are out of the house knows she is safe and sound

 

I expalined the whole pack thing to him last night And he did say that he understood a little better. She actually sleeps under my bed and does not make a sound untill morning. But when we go to his house, she can't sleep. So I am actually going and getting her a crate today, so she can start using that at his house and as an alternative to sleeping under the bed. She hates to be bothered while she is sleeping so she likes to hide. Silly little border collie. We also dicussed the garage as an alternative. However, neither of us has a garage and we don't plan on buying a house for 3 years. So I asked "what do you plan on doing until we have a garage and while we live in an apartment." His response "I don't know."

 

See that's the problem. I plan everything out and am always thinking of how to resolve each issue. He just moves day to day. never thinking about solutions. Just the here and now.

[BeFree]

Dogs should be inside and around people. Anyone who told me differently wouldn't be my sig other very much longer. That being said you need to explain to him just how important it is for a dog to be a member of the pack unit that is a family, prehaps you can compramise by having her craete trained that way at night he knows she isn't running around doing certain things, or when you are out of the house knows she is safe and sound

 

I am going to also add, this children issue is a big one that does break a lot of people off. I have seen a lot of people get married when they want kids and their paretner doesn't and end up resenting them, and even oopings the Dad into having one anyway *not saying you will* but if you aren't set on no kids and might want one someday then I think you need to find someone that if more open in the kid department. To me this is the biggest deal breaker ever since you can't take back a kid once its in the world (well I guess you kinda can but you know what I mean ;D)

 

The whole kid issue I am really not sure...When I think out it, it would be more important to me to have my bf than a kid. When I think of if it should be a deal breaker, I think "ok, would I rather have Tony or a kid." The answer is always Tony. But what if one day, I change my mind?

 

Also, He has had a kidney transplant and the doctors have told him that his new kidney will fail one day. They have also told him to have a child because most likely that child will be a match. But he says that is no reason to have a kid. I agree, but gosh. Also, what if I marry Him, have no kids and then he dies. Leaves me without him or a child and then I am alone and to old to have children. Oh my god, I am really freaking out.

[Chinook]

Sounds to me that subconsciously you know that you will want kids at some point. I did exactly the same thing. Thing is, my partner was never ready. I put it off. We met at 26/27 respectively. I'm a year older than him. When I was 32, I was diagnosed with cancer. I had chemo and now can't have kids. I wish I'd ditched him and looked for someone who wanted them.

 

I know it's a crazy-what-if thing and a it'll-never-happen-to-me thing... but I should caution you, that was exactly how I thought. It did happen to me. You need to sort out in your own mind what you want and be clear with that. I would love to have children but now, I have come to terms with the fact that I never will be a Mommy.

 

[tikigods]

I agree with Chinook. You really need to sit down with yourself and think about what it is you want. Prehaps write down a list of things that would be a deal breaker for you and then talk to him about it, or at least see if he will comprimse with you (sp on that one ;D). Things that are important to you should remain such, but both of you need to be able to bend enough that you aren't at a breaking point, and I think you are getting to that breaking point. Its not fair for one person to do all the bending.

 

Why doesn't he want the dog in the house if its not in his way? Why wouldn't he want to have kids (besides the kidney)? Why on the other things that he won't do but asks you to do.

 

I think every relationship starts getting to a point where you think about if you could really marry the person, and in all honesty I think people need to be honest with themselves at this point and maybe do the hard thing of cutting ties

[BeFree]

I agree with Chinook. You really need to sit down with yourself and think about what it is you want. Prehaps write down a list of things that would be a deal breaker for you and then talk to him about it, or at least see if he will comprimse with you (sp on that one ;D). Things that are important to you should remain such, but both of you need to be able to bend enough that you aren't at a breaking point, and I think you are getting to that breaking point. Its not fair for one person to do all the bending.

 

Why doesn't he want the dog in the house if its not in his way? Why wouldn't he want to have kids (besides the kidney)? Why on the other things that he won't do but asks you to do.

 

I think every relationship starts getting to a point where you think about if you could really marry the person, and in all honesty I think people need to be honest with themselves at this point and maybe do the hard thing of cutting ties

 

The dog in the house is a clean freak thing. Even though Ally Sheds very little and smells good all the time, he has this clean freak thing. He contradicts himself all the time. He calls her up on his bed and on the couch next to him. Plays with her constantly. Loves all over her and then says, I don't want a dog in the house. If he is affraid of messes or fur. Why call her up on your stuff all the time??? It's like he suddenly freaks out that he is compromising or living life differently than he expected and he changes his mind.

 

About the kid thing. I am sure I could meet a man that wanted kids. But, would I meet a man who wanted kids, who was kind, caring, funny, and brought out the best in me? It seems to me that if I just wanted to have kids I could do that, but what would I end up with?

 

Your all right. I need to have a quiet talk with myself and decide what is important. Should I tell him I need some time alone to work things out in my head? Or should I just go on with out him knowing my fears? Should I ask him to go to counseling with me?

[tikigods]

As a dog lover I can never imagine putting my dog outside by herself XD In fact I believe that was the situation she was in before we got her ;D So that would be something that I wouldn't roll over about ;D

 

I tihnk you should take a weekend and just do stuff for you, maybe go to a spa or something and give yoruself a little pampering and while you are there relaxing you can think about the things you need to think about? I would also suggest the cousnoling with you, if he is unwilling to go though then that would speak volumes

[Fun2BMe]

You are not 100% sure that you will never want children. Why don't you wait until you are past your childbearing yeasr to get married in case you may chose to have a child down the road? By then your dog will be old or passed away too and there won't be potential divorce issues before even tying the knot.

[BeFree]

Fun, I can honestly say, I don't want to wait until I am older to get married. I also, will always have dogs in my life. They are the best companions and they keep me in shape.