Lost my best friend

[Lagoon1212]

As the title says I lost my best gf. To give you some background. I moved to this city seven years ago and she was the one of the first people I met at work. We started hanging out together and few years later we were best friends. While she is very social and has tons of acquaitances, I am the opposite. I have hard time letting my guard down and be friendly with new people. However, even with so many people around her, I was her best friend. For the past 4 years, I was in school while working two jobs and she was perfectly understanding and supportive.

 

Anyway... the reason we got into fight is probably the dumbest ever... She was moving to a new place. I was helping her (Btw I am single, she has been in a relationship for the past seven years). So, I was helpig when a friend of her friend stops by. Lets call her friend Tom and Tom’s friend is Mark. She tells me right away how perfect Mark would be for me. Mark introduces himself and likes me immediately and it was very obvious.

Few months later, Tom tells her that Mark asked about me (several times) and is interested to take me out on a date. My friend texts me and asks if it would be ok to give Tom my number so he can give it to Mark. I say yes. Two months go by and she never mentions Mark again.

I mentioned him once casually and she tells me “yeah, I think he is good for you. I am just waiting for Tom to mention him or to ask me again about the number so you don’t appear too eager.”

Three/four months go by and nothing happens. I text her one day asking if she ever gave my number to Mark. She replies “no, because Tom never asked me ever again about you.”

For some reason these words hurt me. It sounded like “he is not interested in you and never mentioned you.” I stopped talking to her and when I finally told her what bothered me (the fact she decided what was best for me and her reply) she said “What did you want me to say? What is that you wanted to hear? He never asked me about you again.”

 

Idk, if I overreacted, I just felt betrayed. I tried explaining how I felt (after I stopped talking to her we had a brief chat via texts). She insisted she was trying to protect me and when I mentioned if she would like to talk in person, she said “why would I? You told me what you had to tell me.”

 

I am tempted to reach out to her because she was my best friend but I am afraid she may not resppnd.

P.S. In meantime, I got in touch Mark and he was so excited to take me out on a date, he planned it to the smallest detail. Unfortunately, it didnt work out but whatever.... But the fact that he was so excited to see me, makes me wonder why she was so hesitant to tell him I was interested as well.

 

My question is “is this my fault. Am I a sh*tty friend? Should I reach out?”

Edited June 22, 2019 by Lagoon1212

[Mr. Lucky]

My question is “is this my fault. Am I a sh*tty friend? Should I reach out?”

 

What seems to be missing in your account is a specific instruction from you to her to "please get in touch with Mark and give him my number".

 

It's a little childish of you to be mad at her for not divining your intentions. You owe her an apology, not much to lose by trying...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lagoon1212]

I did tell her to give my number to Tom so he can give it ti Mark next time they hang out. My friend sees Tom all the time. Mark and Tom hang out simetimes only. What bothers me is the fact that she decided to play this little game (to protect me?) when I never asked for it. Also, I did bring Mark up once in conversation but she said she would give it as soon as she sees an opportunity so I don’t appear pushy. Honestly, it doesnt make sense to me.

 

I should have said something then but I didnt. Then 4 months go by and I realized nothing had happened. When I brought it up Again she sounded like “no one asked me for your number.”

 

It is just hard for me to believe that her intentions were genuine here. But this is definitely not worth losing a friend

[Lagoon1212]

I sent a long text explaining that her reply led me to be silentfor couple of days. Also, apologized for assuming she could read my mind. I also stated that I still do not understand certain things but that they dont matter anyway and are not worth our friendship.

 

Well... she didnt even open a text message. She did this to some other people when they stopped talking and eventually the other person would reach out. It is extremely childish though IMO

[Springsummer]

maybe the fact you and Mark didn't work out has something to do with this?

[Lagoon1212]

maybe the fact you and Mark didn't work out has something to do with this?

 

Why would that be? She is not friends with him. Even if she set up a date between us, there is always a possibility that it wouldn’t work.

I feel bad for losing a friend.... but at the same time I am all about hearing one’s story and forgiveness (even though I dont feel 100% guilty). Maybe it is time to meet new people

[Eternal Sunshine]

If a friend did this to me, it wouldn't even register. My friends mention occasionally that they are going to set me up with someone. I forget about it few minutes later.

 

 

Seems like much ado about nothing. I wonder if this friend did something else in the past to hurt/betray you.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I think your friend was truly trying to protect you. I believe she may have protected your feelings even in the way she told you she didn't give your name to him.

 

What if (not saying this happened) she truly HAD given your name to him and he'd not been interested? Not saying this happened but what if it did and she was telling you she didn't give your name/number to him to protect you from the rejection of knowing he wasn't interested? Yes, a white lie. I wouldn't do it but some people would.

 

I also think it was unwise of you to contact her bf's friend, Mark, when she wouldn't refer you to him.

 

I think it's possible she knew more about his readiness for dating you (and possibly anyone else at that time) than she let on. As it was when you contacted Mark he acted interested and took you out which was fine. But, in the end it didn't work out and it's very possible that your friend knew it wouldn't for some reason. And that she truly was trying to protect you.

 

I had a similar thing happen with a friend wanting me to introduce her son to another friend of mine's daughter. I knew it wouldn't work out but the friend pushed and pushed. So I did try to arrange it but the daughter wasn't interested. It would have been better for my friend if she would have trusted my judgment because I was trying to protect her from finding out the girl didn't want to go out with her son. Not saying it's the same exact situation you and your friend are in. Just that you should trust a true friend because they have your best interest at heart.

[Lagoon1212]

I think your friend was truly trying to protect you. I believe she may have protected your feelings even in the way she told you she didn't give your name to him.

 

What if (not saying this happened) she truly HAD given your name to him and he'd not been interested? Not saying this happened but what if it did and she was telling you she didn't give your name/number to him to protect you from the rejection of knowing he wasn't interested? Yes, a white lie. I wouldn't do it but some people would.

 

I also think it was unwise of you to contact her bf's friend, Mark, when she wouldn't refer you to him.

 

I think it's possible she knew more about his readiness for dating you (and possibly anyone else at that time) than she let on. As it was when you contacted Mark he acted interested and took you out which was fine. But, in the end it didn't work out and it's very possible that your friend knew it wouldn't for some reason. And that she truly was trying to protect you.

 

I had a similar thing happen with a friend wanting me to introduce her son to another friend of mine's daughter. I knew it wouldn't work out but the friend pushed and pushed. So I did try to arrange it but the daughter wasn't interested. It would have been better for my friend if she would have trusted my judgment because I was trying to protect her from finding out the girl didn't want to go out with her son. Not saying it's the same exact situation you and your friend are in. Just that you should trust a true friend because they have your best interest at heart.

 

Idk, this could be true but....

1. The first time I saw him, she said “he could be a good match for you. Attractive, educated, single.

 

2. The guy acted very interested.

 

3. The guy (Mark) asked Tom multiple times if he could have my number. Tom forgot and finally mentioned it this one time to my friend.

 

4. My friend asked if she should give the number.

 

5. When she saw me later she still said she thinks we would be a good match, she is just waiting for an opportunity to give my number fo Tom so I dont appear overeager???

 

If she really thought it wasn’t a good time or he wouldn’t be a good match then she should have said something... instead of waiting for an opportunity to give my number.

[stillafool]

I did tell her to give my number to Tom so he can give it ti Mark next time they hang out. My friend sees Tom all the time. Mark and Tom hang out simetimes only. What bothers me is the fact that she decided to play this little game (to protect me?) when I never asked for it. Also, I did bring Mark up once in conversation but she said she would give it as soon as she sees an opportunity so I don’t appear pushy. Honestly, it doesnt make sense to me.

 

 

What doesn't make sense to me is why you didn't just tell her you don't need her protection and to give Mark your number. Simple as that. Why did you let her handle you?

[preraph]

I'm sure Tom knew that Mark wasn't just sitting around waiting to take a shot at you and was also seeing other women and didn't want to do something in the middle of bad timing.

 

Anyway you are not her best friend and are not in much of a position to be demanding and high maintenance.

 

just because you rely on her for being one of your only friends does not mean she is under obligation to keep you happy. You have a lot of immaturity that shining through. If you're still really young that's perfectly understandable. Otherwise you probably need to get yourself out into the real world and toughen up.

[Lagoon1212]

I'm sure Tom knew that Mark wasn't just sitting around waiting to take a shot at you and was also seeing other women and didn't want to do something in the middle of bad timing.

 

Anyway you are not her best friend and are not in much of a position to be demanding and high maintenance.

 

just because you rely on her for being one of your only friends does not mean she is under obligation to keep you happy. You have a lot of immaturity that shining through. If you're still really young that's perfectly understandable. Otherwise you probably need to get yourself out into the real world and toughen up.

 

I am or at this point was her best friend. We talked daily and saw each other few times a week. I was there for her when she broke up with her bf and then got back together again. What annoyed me in this situation is that she knew everything about everything. Like every guy that was texting me, flirting with me, asking me out... and she would mention everyone but Mark. Like “hey, what’s up David?” I would reply “no, I dont like his behaviour.” Next time she would be again “so, is David texting you.” This pissed me off because I was waiting for thatdate with Mark as he seemed way better then any of these other guys.

[Lagoon1212]

What doesn't make sense to me is why you didn't just tell her you don't need her protection and to give Mark your number. Simple as that. Why did you let her handle you?

 

I could talk to her about anything but Mark for sme reason. The way she acted about this whole situation made me uncomfortable. She didn’t seem transparent about this guy and I felt uncomfortable asking all the time. I asked once and she said “I am just waiting for an opportunity to bring it up.” And then she would drop it or change the subject asking me about other guys and if I would go out with any of them. That was strange for a best friend that I talked to daily.

That’s why I was hurt when 4 months later she said “oh, Tom never asked me about you ever again, so yeah, I never gave your number.”

I stopped talkig to her for few days after that and she got soooo offended by this that she refused to talk things out in person.

I tried yesterday and she didnt even open the text message. Honestly, I think it is very immature of her at this point.

[LivingWaterPlease]

 

2. The guy acted very interested.

 

3. The guy (Mark) asked Tom multiple times if he could have my number. Tom forgot and finally mentioned it this one time to my friend.

 

If she really thought it wasn’t a good time or he wouldn’t be a good match then she should have said something... instead of waiting for an opportunity to give my number.

 

OK, these are great points somehow I missed them reading. So it seems he was really interested.

 

But, then again, maybe by the time you were asking he'd gotten interested in someone else she or Tom knew he was excited about. You just don't know what could have been going on that she didn't mention to you to protect both you and Mark (his private life).

 

I still wouldn't hold it against your friend, though.

 

I'm single, too, and sometimes friends have tried to match me up, sometimes they haven't thought about it when they know someone I've thought might be a good match, and sometimes they say they're going to and don't follow through.

 

I always think if it doesn't happen it just wasn't meant to be.

 

The more freedom you give your friends to be whatever they choose to be, the more friends you'll have, is my mantra.

Edited June 23, 2019 by LivingWaterPlease

[Lagoon1212]

OK, these are great points somehow I missed them reading. So it seems he was really interested.

 

But, then again, maybe by the time you were asking he'd gotten interested in someone else she or Tom knew he was excited about. You just don't know what could have been going on that she didn't mention to you to protect both you and Mark (his private life).

 

I still wouldn't hold it against your friend, though.

 

I'm single, too, and sometimes friends have tried to match me up, sometimes they haven't thought about it when they know someone I've thought might be a good match, and sometimes they say they're going to and don't follow through.

 

I always think if it doesn't happen it just wasn't meant to be.

 

The more freedom you give your friends to be whatever they choose to be, the more friends you'll have, is my mantra.

 

But does it make me such a horrible friend if I stopped talking to her for few days. I got mad that I had to do all the work to reach out to this guy (actually, I created an online dating profile and he was there. He reached out to me without realizing it was me. So, it wasnt that much work but still... I would have preferred if I didnt have to go online to get in touch with him).

And she said few times that I and one another friend are people she can count on 100% and real friends. We even took a girls trip together back in Feb. So, yeah, we were insanely close. That’s why I dont think that she would not tell me if Mark was dating someone or was interested in someone.

It is two possibilities: she geniunely thought I would appear too desperate if she gives my number without Tom asking again.

2. For some reason, she didnt want us together (she even said Tom and I werea little puzzled because you are my best friend and Mark is his best friend, so it felt uncomfortable).

 

Again, I was hurt, little angry and didnt talk to her for few days. We also had a phone account together. As we were not talking and the bill was due, I texted her if she could call the company and remove me from the account because I wanted my own account (the truth is I got tired of chasing her to give her the money instead of just having automatic payment). I was also owing her the money for the previous two months and asked her to give me her chase quick pay email so I can transfer it. She said she would take me off the account and no money is necessary. I insisted to pay my share but she was stubborn. Then I said can we talk in person about this situation. Her reply was “why would I do that. you already told me everything.”

Edited June 23, 2019 by Lagoon1212