Married Shortcake Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 I need help to know if I'm being unreasonable. My husband is a very sociable person. He can talk for hours to a complete stranger. I don't mind brief conversations with people but I listen more than I talk. Him and his high school friends are so close that they get together once a year instead of the normal 10 and 20 year reunions. I find this ridiculous but it's his thing. Next year we are going on a cruise with his high school reunion class. I know that he is going to want to spend a lot of time with his friends (which I'm perfectly ok with). So I told him that I was going to see if one of my friends can go with us so that when he is with his buddies, I can have someone to talk to. I'm sure there will be plenty of times where me and my friend will be with him and his friends, it's just having someone there that i know would make me feel better. He said I should just try and make friends with his friends and stop being anti-social. Now, we've been together for 21 years and this man knows how I am. His friend can get loud and obnoxious and I can't deal with that I like to chill and relax while they like to drink and be loud. My husband falls somewhere in between. He said that when he's with his friends that's one thing but when he wants to spend time with me then he wants me to himself. Is this not selfish? I mean he has over 50 people from his past to hang out with and he's mad because I want to bring one person. Or maybe it's because the person I'm bringing is single. Still, she's quiet and chill just like me so we will likely be sitting on the deck talking or lounging. Is this selfish of him or should I have just bit my tongue and tried to enjoy his friends even though I know I wouldn't like it? Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 you must have a female along, or he will be out carousing, for sure, and you will have a crap holiday lonely 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 Don't go, as simple as that. I would go if his friends had wives there and we would be enjoying the trip as couples but my bf/husband with a bunch of friends? Nah, I'd wish him a good trip and stay home. If he wants me to himself we can have a trip alone together. . 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 Just tell him no and that he's being selfish. Just stand up to him. Tell him, If I'm going, I'm bringing a friend. I'm not going to hang out with your loud friends all day and I'm not going to sit and wait until you want to spend time alone with me. I'm bringing a friend or I'm not going. Now, trouble is,what friend can afford to do this? And would he have to pay for her to go? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Married Shortcake Posted June 4, 2019 Author Share Posted June 4, 2019 It's already established, my friend is going, but it's the guilt he's making me feel about it. Also, his friends consists of women and men some single and some not. They are just not my jam. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 He should have more consideration for you. As long as you are polite to his friends and spend a little bit of time with them to show you like them okay, that's all you should have to do. I'd be bored to tears hanging with a loud obnoxious bunch like that. Glad you're taking a friend. He'll just have to get used to it. Sounds like he is kind of not all the way grown up yet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 It's great for him to want you to get along with his friends, but he needs to recognise that he can't force everyone in his life to be besties with everyone else in his life. He should not demand that you just follow in his wake and applaud - you deserve to have a fun cruise too 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 I just hope your friend doesn't take up with one of his friends and up and abandon you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Married Shortcake Posted June 4, 2019 Author Share Posted June 4, 2019 I'm an introvert so it probably wouldn't bother me too bad. i quite enjoy my own company but I just didn't want to be wandering around a cruise ship alone. Dangerous. Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 He should really learn tolerance. To me, it's hypocritical of him to want to hang out with as many of his friends as he wants, but for some reason, he isn't going to permit you to do the same thing. Not cool. You have every right to hang out with friends as much as you want. And it isn't just controlling, but possessive. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 ... so if they are a mixed crowd, I think some of the women will also want to lounge more and, um, drink less... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Married Shortcake Posted June 4, 2019 Author Share Posted June 4, 2019 Possibly. But the whole crowd is pretty rowdy from what I can tell so far. Don't get me wrong I'm not totally against having some drinks and laughs but they just take it to another level. The things they laugh and joke about are just childish and usually leave me perplexed. I will laugh along just to fit in but in my head it's torture. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 Yeah, tell him (gently) to stop giving you a hard time about doing what you want to do. The tipsy rowdiness is what he wants to do and you're not asking him not to. Bring the quieter friend along is what you want to do - and he shouldn't ask you not to. This way you can both enjoy yourselves. He may be annoyed, but IMO it wouldn't be fair. Would he rather that you not bring your friend and you get to tell him only 1 drink/night and he can't be with his friends past 8:30 pm or similar? Doubt it... Consider making it clear that you'll plan some alone time with him (and following though on that plan) as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Married Shortcake Posted June 4, 2019 Author Share Posted June 4, 2019 Mark Clemson great advice. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Flame Aura Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 He thinks if you bring a friend, then when he is done with his friends doing whatever, and it's time to give you one on one attention, which can be some alone time walking around, or going to bed etc, that you will then say 'Oh I can't do that because I'm with xx and we are doing yy right now'. I wouldn't say its controlling, but definitely selfish. He is only thinking about his needs and wants during the trip, to be able to spend time with his friends or just with you whenever he pleases. As a man, I have to say I completely understand why he feels like this, because he wants to have the best of both worlds, what guy wouldn't? You should talk to him, and explain that you are going on the trip because you want to be with him, but that you also have your own needs and wants, which is to bring a friend with you, exactly the same as he is doing, and he shouldn't be making you feel guilty because of that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 Yes you certainly need your friend along with you, it is hard going on this type of "drinking holiday" if you are not into that scene,and feel obliged to go along with the crowd when you are not enjoying it, I find it quite ignorant of your husband that he would object to this and make you feel guilty over it, hardly a similar situation but a few years ago, I went on a golfing holiday with a group of lads and invited a girl along who I had only known for two months or so, I played golf most of the days and while she insisted I do this, I would have felt much better if she had another friend with her on the holiday, Anyway hopefully you all have a great time and enjoy!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 I'm going to go against the crowd here and only because I caught something in your original post... Why on earth do you think it's ridiculous that your husband hangs out with high school friends ONCE a year? I think maybe you both need some work here, him with making you feel guilty and you with judging him as ridiculous for wanting to hang out with old friends once a year. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 5, 2019 Share Posted June 5, 2019 ^ I would agree she shouldn't be resisting that. However, given how it's been a one-way road until now, I can see how it's irritating since he expects her to be on call in case he wants her during all this. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 5, 2019 Share Posted June 5, 2019 I'm going to go against the crowd here and only because I caught something in your original post... Why on earth do you think it's ridiculous that your husband hangs out with high school friends ONCE a year? I think maybe you both need some work here, him with making you feel guilty and you with judging him as ridiculous for wanting to hang out with old friends once a year. I agree, and why would she want to tag along to a high school friends reunion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Married Shortcake Posted June 5, 2019 Author Share Posted June 5, 2019 I'm going to go against the crowd here and only because I caught something in your original post... Why on earth do you think it's ridiculous that your husband hangs out with high school friends ONCE a year? I think maybe you both need some work here, him with making you feel guilty and you with judging him as ridiculous for wanting to hang out with old friends once a year. Maybe I worded this incorrectly. I'm absolutely not against him getting together with his high school friends at all. It's just not my thing. Like I said above, I'm an introvert and my husband is totally opposite. I'm ok with that. He has a small group of friends that he goes fishing with and that he is in a car club with on a regular basis. It's the whole "reunion" every year and for a full weekend that annoys me. However, I've never asked him not to go. I wouldn't do that. I encourage him to go and I have attended with him a few times. And I believe that's why I get so upset with him, because I have a small circle of friends (two to be exact) and whenever I plan to do things with them, there's a problem. He complains that I turn him down for certain things but when my friends ask me to go to lunch or something I always say yes. By the way, that's not true. The kind of friends I have understand that even though we don't see each other much that we are always there for important things like birthdays, graduations, funerals, and things like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Married Shortcake Posted June 5, 2019 Author Share Posted June 5, 2019 I agree, and why would she want to tag along to a high school friends reunion. Why would I want to tag along? First, I don't want to tag along. But I do because my husband asks me to. Second, don't people usually take heir spouse to reunions? This is not just guys getting together, this is almost the whole graduating class, so married people do bring their spouses. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 5, 2019 Share Posted June 5, 2019 Why would I want to tag along? First, I don't want to tag along. But I do because my husband asks me to. Second, don't people usually take heir spouse to reunions? This is not just guys getting together, this is almost the whole graduating class, so married people do bring their spouses. At my reunion spouses were not invited. Ok, so the whole group will be bringing their spouses, in your original post it read as if you'd be the only wife and it was a few guys. If this is an entire class with their spouse then you don't need your friend. Go along, mingle with the other wives. You'll find someone you can relate to. If you bring a friend and not join the group and the other wives you'll be seen as anti-social or worse, you'll be seen as snobbish. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Married Shortcake Posted June 5, 2019 Author Share Posted June 5, 2019 That's different. I don't think I have ever heard of a high school reunion where spouses weren't invited. I never said it was all guys. I just said it was his high school class. My husband has male and female friends. Some married and some not. But they are most hardcore drinkers and they get rowdy. And there is even some high school messiness still involved. So I will be taking my friend. My friend and I will have some social time with my husband and his group but when I want to relax away from the chaos then I won't have to be alone. There are other issues as well. Sometimes when I attend things with my husband and his friends I whisper to him that I'm ready to go after a few hours and he will keep talking for another hour. We have had huge arguments about this. So bad that once he told me that I should have just stayed my a$$ at home. And I told him that was my plan anyway. So yeah I'll mingle with his friends some but I want to relax on vacation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 5, 2019 Share Posted June 5, 2019 (edited) That's different. I don't think I have ever heard of a high school reunion where spouses weren't invited. I never said it was all guys. I just said it was his high school class. My husband has male and female friends. Some married and some not. But they are most hardcore drinkers and they get rowdy. And there is even some high school messiness still involved. So I will be taking my friend. My friend and I will have some social time with my husband and his group but when I want to relax away from the chaos then I won't have to be alone. There are other issues as well. Sometimes when I attend things with my husband and his friends I whisper to him that I'm ready to go after a few hours and he will keep talking for another hour. We have had huge arguments about this. So bad that once he told me that I should have just stayed my a$$ at home. And I told him that was my plan anyway. So yeah I'll mingle with his friends some but I want to relax on vacation. I have a hard time following you. I think you just want to hear what you want to hear. At first you say your husband has a reunion with friends, then it becomes with a high school class, then you bring back it's with friends and they are hardcore drinkers........is all the class hardcore drinkers? As for the second issue that he won't go home when you're ready to go I find that complaint to be very teenage like. ** don't go when he visits his friends** so you won't be stuck there! and if you enjoy a visit and want to come back early just take a taxi home! It just seems such an easy solution to me! I don't follow my bf to his meetings with his friends, they are loud, and they stay up till 4 a.m. I stay home or do something else. About 2 weeks ago he went on a trip with friends visiting from out of the country, *no thank you*. I go on trips with him when we're alone and we can concentrate on each other. You are set on bringing your friend than ok, but I wanted to point out that you 2 don't have to do everything together all the time, and he doesn't have to cut short his visits cause you want to leave after a couple of hours. In a relationship you find compromise and you let the other breath a little. So to answer your question yes he can be controlling but I can see you are controlling your own way as well. . Edited June 5, 2019 by Gaeta 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Married Shortcake Posted June 5, 2019 Author Share Posted June 5, 2019 Gaeta, I guess we just have different opinions about this and that's ok. I was never misleading to say that he was getting together with friends and then switched up to a high school reunion. I used both of those words in my original post. Maybe I should have broken it down a little better. But these are high school friends that set up an actual reunion weekend every year. He's my husband so of course I want to go and support him sometimes. Even though I go, I find it hard to have a good time because I don't like the crowd. Yes, they are all rowdy. That goes for the women and the men. My husband has plenty of other friends that he does things with on a regular basis and I do not always tag along. But if he asks me, I try to oblige. Not all the time though. Because I know he likes to stay a while and enjoy his friends and sometimes that's just not my jam. And as for me telling my husband that I'm ready to go...What's wrong with that? There have been times that he has told me that he is ready to go when we're out and we wrap it up and leave. If we've been somewhere for 3-4 hours and I have to get home and get things done, I don't see anything wrong with telling him babe we have to get going. But it is offensive to me that he would say ok babe give me just a minute and talk for another hour. It's inconsiderate. Especially when he knows that there are things that need to be done for us to prepare for the next day. Question. If you were somewhere with your SO and you were getting tired and ready to go, would you just sit there and not say anything? Or would you get their attention and quietly let them know that you're tired and ready to go? If that's me being controlling, then call me Remote because I'm not about to sit there with a smile on my face knowing that I'm ready to go home. I'm not looking for "what I want to hear" I'm well aware that everyone won't see things the way I do. I'm ok with that Link to post Share on other sites
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