My fiance searched sexual half naked Instagram models while I was in the shower.

[Cbear01]

So I guess I don't really know where to start, i have been in a serious relationship with my fiance for over 3 years, we have been engaged for a year. All has been great and we never have any problems or issues until recently. So as most people are on social media we see post, likes etc from our friends, I noticed about 6 months ago he was progressively following those half naked sexual Instagram pages, and constantly liking the photos on them, it really bothered me, I stayed quite for a bit trying to get my own head over my personal insecurities but it was making me so volatile so I spoke to him about it, I got upset and explained that it made me feel inadequate and that I wasnt enough for him if he felt the need to constantly look at other girls. He apologised and unfollowed them straight away. I felt bad for feeling like I made him do it but then whenever he was on his phone on instagram I didn't feel paranoid so it helped us.

 

He has been quite secretive with his phone over the last few weeks and never really goes on Instagram much when I'm sat with him, or if he does he scrolls a little then comes off. He hasn't followed them again but when I'm not with him hes on it constantly. so I had a weird feeling about it, I didn't say anything and just carried on as normal, I was over at the weekend and in the morning we sit and have breakfast, watch some TV and check some things on our phones, we were both on Instagram and it was all fine, talking about people we mutually follow, then we went to get ready, I showered first and started getting ready, he left his phone on the bed which is a rare thing, I never snoop ever, but I had a gut feeling and I had to check something, I was right... I went on his Instagram and while I was in the shower he had searched several of the sexual half naked girls he use to follow. They were the most recent too so while I was naked in the shower he was looking at other girls.... I am positive he searches them regularly aswell and I now have the same inadequate feeling as before but now have no idea what to do!

 

I get stuck in my own head wondering what he might think and if he looks at those photos or those girls and then thinks about them when we are intimate, does he get turned on by them then has sex with me because of them.... I just dont understand why he needs to keep looking at them?

 

He always says he loves me the way I am but this makes me question it, I will never have a body like theirs, before anyone thinks, no I didnt let myself go in the relationship either, I still make effort with the way I look and still shave my legs etc basically everyday, I'm 5ft 3inch and 62kgs so I'm not overweight, I have curves but they generally seem to be in alright places.

I just get scared hes going to cheat, if hes actively searching others girls I'm clearly not enough..

I need some perspective on this, am I over reacting or should I be worried?

[d0nnivain]

Would you cancel your wedding if he took out s subscription to the now defunct Playboy magazine? Looking at pictures is not infidelity.

 

However, since you are so upset, you two need to talk about your fears. Put all wedding planning on hold until you two sort this out and get some premarital counseling about trust, the proper role of sex in your marriage & communication.

[somanymistakes]

You need to talk to your fiance not us.

 

It doesn't matter whether I think looking at naked pictures is totally harmless, because I am not you and I am not your fiance. If it bothers YOU, then you need to talk to him about it, you need to work out a way forward together.

 

If he's a guy who likes to look at lots of random images, he's probably not going to stop doing that completely forever, though he might agree not to do it when you're nearby 'cuz that's kind of rude. Is there a compromise that you can be okay with? Will talking to a counselor about your own fears help you deal with it? We don't know.

[Cbear01]

I spoke to him about it before and that's why he unfollowed them, I think just the uncertainty of what hes looking at now is what bothers me, I just wanted opinions on what others thought because I didnt think it was normal for guys inna relationship to do that... or do all guys do it?

I just dont know how to bring it up now because the only reason I know is because I snooped, which I've never done before, I never thought I would ever want to untill then...

I dont really know what a counsellor would do, I've never spoke to anyone about any issues I have, usually if I do it's a close friend or my fiance.

[d0nnivain]

Honey, if you can't talk to your FI you certainly can't marry him.

 

A counselor would be a neutral . . .somebody to balance your perspective with his perspective.

 

I have been married for over 10+ years. The two best things we did before we got married was get pre-marital counseling & get a pre-nup. The latter forced us to have difficult conversations about money. Once we were able to do that, we were able to talk about anything, even the tough stuff. Premarital counseling is like a tool box. They teach you how to function as a team rather than an individual; to anticipate problems with an eye toward heading them off. It's preventative medicine. To use a controversial metaphor, it's like a vaccine.

 

If you are scared he'll cheat you don't trust him enough. That is a poor foundation for marriage. He may be overwhelmed by the idea of being with only one woman for the rest of his life, so he's looking more. The availability of all these images doesn't make things easier but you two have to find a way to address what's happening.

 

Burying your head in the sand because you already bought a white dress almost guarantees you will get divorced.

 

Have enough faith in your relationship that you can talk. If you can't talk to him, seriously you have no business marrying him.

 

Don't accuse him or attack him. Ask what his concerns about your upcoming marriage are. Ask if he thinks you are sexy Talk about your fears & concerns. Invite him to express his. Do confess to snooping & to being hurt but explain that you did it because you don't understand what he wants. Listen to him & take steps to address each others fears.

Edited May 9, 2019 by d0nnivain

[Cbear01]

I talk to him about everything normally, when I spoke to him before I had to sort my head around how I wanted to talk to him so I wasnt attacking and more expressing how I felt.

It's amazing that you have been married 10+ years, I love hearing that because it's rare now!

It's not that I think he'll cheat, I dont think he would because he knows I dont stand for that and he wouldn't be getting another chance. But the searching and looking at others girls makes me wonder that if 3 years in I'm not enough for him to only have eyes for what will happen 6/7 years in... I just don't know if they are normal characteristics for a guy in a committed relationship. I just dont feel good enough because I compare myself to all those girls he's looking at.

I just dont want to push him away because I have an issue with what he looks at. I know I need to talk to him about it I just need to figure out a way to without going on the attack.

I never thought I would have this issue with him, because we've never had problems before all of this, we haven't set a wedding date or anything yet so it's not something I'm rushing into doing until I know what's going on and we're in the right place.

Edited May 9, 2019 by Cbear01

[stillafool]

No one here knows if in 10 years or so if he's going to cheat on you. Only time will tell. Even if he doesn't look at girls on Snapchat there are beautiful girls walking around every day to view. Who knows? All you can do is tell him the truth that you saw his phone on the bed and couldn't help yourself and snooped. Tell him what you found, what you don't like and roll with it.

[elaine567]

With technology, the access to sexy images, videos, webcams and porn is easy and use is widespread.

Unfortunately it causes mayhem in relationships.

It is a huge turn off for many women to find out their partner is spending time oogling other women and wanking off to porn and sexy pics of women with perfect sexy bodies and beautiful faces.

Ordinary women cannot compete and some are not in any mind to have sex with such guys. A lot of female desire is linked to her man being desperate sexually for her and her alone, to find his mind is elsewhere is disappointing and can totally kill her desire/love for him.

Porn and sexy images and the interaction with such women on social media, is ruining relationships every day.

 

Instead of making love to his fiancee in the shower, this lazy fellow was wanking off to some unknown beauty on Instagram...

SMH

[somanymistakes]

I just wanted opinions on what others thought because I didnt think it was normal for guys inna relationship to do that... or do all guys do it?

 

Being normal for a lot of people doesn't mean that all guys do it.

 

Men are individuals! Some like porn, some like sports, some like marmite, there's no accounting for taste.

 

Yes, many men in relationships still look at porn. Others don't. Some women are completely fine with their men looking at porn. Others consider it cheating.

 

You need to work out what you personally want/feel, not try to hold yourself to the standards of what's "normal". You are allowed to have your own needs, desires, and boundaries!

[thefooloftheyear]

With technology, the access to sexy images, videos, webcams and porn is easy and use is widespread.

Unfortunately it causes mayhem in relationships.

 

I understand your position, but the reality is that the amount of legitimate heterosexual guys that never look at or trade with their friends, etc, photos floating around on the net of sexy women is probably less than 2%....Maybe even less than that...

 

I don't think all of it causes mayhem...If it's obsessive it could for sure..But i'd contend that guys that never do that are probably more odd(and maybe dysfunctional) than the one's that do...You can bet that most women wouldn't be too happy if their guy wasn't a bit obsessed with female tits/asses and is more enthusiastic about video games, model airplanes, or whatever you want to substitute..

 

As for the OP...Try and put into perspective..

 

On the one hand, if he is following specific women and liking posts, etc that's not really healthy, IMO...Just checking out random women, some nudity, etc.? Eh...I don't think its a big foul...It's also been proven that frequent viewing of female bodies(especially certain types) can and does have a positive effect on testosterone and general libido...

 

I'd watch this and see where it goes...It may be nothing or it could be something...Right now I don't think there is a huge foul, except he's not smart enough to do it in a way that is less impactful..

 

TFY

[somanymistakes]

I understand your position, but the reality is that the amount of legitimate heterosexual guys that never look at or trade with their friends, etc, photos floating around on the net of sexy women is probably less than 2%....Maybe even less than that...

 

Depends on the social circles. Not everyone hangs out with friends who want to trade that kind of thing, whereas in some workplaces EVERYBODY is doing that

 

From the guys who've posted in the sex subforum here, some guys honestly are attracted only to their partners, are put off by the idea of looking at other porn, and can't even fantasize about anyone but their wives. To me, that's weird. But it happens.

 

I think the everything-needs-a-label-these-days kids call it being "demisexual" - only sexually attracted to people you know very well, and random people might as well be a rock or an elephant when it comes to being turned on. Different from "asexual" who don't find anybody arousing at all.

[thefooloftheyear]

]Depends on the social circles[/b]. Not everyone hangs out with friends who want to trade that kind of thing, whereas in some workplaces EVERYBODY is doing that

 

.

 

 

Social circles?? IME the more educated and wealthy guys I know are some of the biggest horn dogs you will ever see.....I dont think it has anything to do with social circles...Heck most(probably all) of the dads from when I was a kid, including mine had a stash of Hustler/Playboy,etc....We knew because we would steal them as kids......Just a bunch of regular guys from all walks of life...

 

I think if anything, those guys are just more cagey about it....They know how to keep it on the down low as to not appear as a dog..The other guys just don't care...

 

TFY

[snowcones]

I started having sex before the internet (i.e. internet porn). And let me tell you, sex was way better before the internet, than after. Now it's just terrible.

[d0nnivain]

My parents were married for almost 50 years. They only didn't make it because my mom died. A pretty girl could always turn my dad's head just like a handsome man would catch mom's eye. Looking is a human thing. It's just now delivered to your phone.

 

Agreed that when one partner turns away from the other to a device, it's a problem but looking, itself, is not a tragedy.

 

My EX loved porn featuring women with breasts the size of basketballs. I'm small busted. It made me question his choice to be with me. I thought the actresses looked like freaks but he liked it. He always assured me that there was a difference between reality & all my good qualities vs the fantasy of gargantuan boobs.

Edited May 9, 2019 by d0nnivain

[Timshel]

So this is something that bothers you a great deal Cbear01. It's fine to gauge if in general other people concur but none of us will live with or marry this man.

It really gets to you and that is what matters. There are men who don't do this, there are especially men who don't do this while engaged to a woman they cherish, adore and are looking forward to the rest of their lives with.

 

This isn't so much about what he is doing as it is about what kind of partner you want to team up and weather the rest of your life and everything that comes down the road with.

 

You are engaged and not yet married. Following your instinct has showed you that there is a gap between what you want from your fiance and what he is willing to give.

Listen.

[mark clemson]

I have looked at porn occasionally (and sometimes daily for stretches of time) since the internet came around (I never owned girlie magazines). Some of the types of porn I like make instagram models look tame indeed. My wife knows and was mildly annoyed, so we have a don't ask/don't tell sort of policy going.

 

I get that perhaps following specific people could make one feel insecure (in our case that's something I don't happen to do).

 

As a "high drive" male, let me ask you this question: if you intend to forbid him from looking at porn completely, do you really want to take it upon yourself to help him orgasm as often as he wishes? This might be daily and even more than once/day at times. Period or no. The decades will pass and he might or might not cool down in time (I haven't so far and 50 is just a few years off).

 

You may be asking for more than you realize.

[Gretchen12]

It's not a matter of whether or not he should look at other women. It's how you feel about yourself. It should not make you feel inadequate because you were already adequate before you ever met him. But you are somehow seeing this as your inadequacy.

btw 5'3" at 65kg is a bit overweight. Your body mass index a tad high which just lands you in the overweight region. You will probably feel more energetic at a lower weight because you're petite and the weight makes you tired and is hard on your joints. Just lose it very gradually and do it for health reasons not for your fiance.

[Gaeta]

Expecting a healthy male to never look at porn (or sexy pictures) is naive. You need to understand better how men function. When you walk in a shopping mall and see a nice pair of shoes you stop and look at them right? then you keep on moving. You stopped and looked at them because they grabbed your attention, they looked nice, but as soon as you stopped looking at them they were out of your mind, same with men and porn. It's there, it's nice to look at, and it's out of their mind as soon as they stop looking. I'd be suspicious of a healthy man that never looks at sexy pictures or porn. Sex is an urge that is written in their DNA, it's that way so they are always in 'procreation' mode for the survival of our specie.

 

 

 

I remember being a young naive wife of 22, I found a playboy magazine in my then husband's drawer. I gave him sh$t for it, poor man. Now that I am 53 and a life time of experience I know looking at porn (reasonnably) isn't him cheating, and isn't an offence against me or our relationship.

 

 

 

Understand the phenomenon before of accusing him unfairly.

[Gaeta]

btw 5'3" at 65kg is a bit overweight. Your body mass index a tad high which just lands you in the overweight region. You will probably feel more energetic at a lower weight because you're petite and the weight makes you tired and is hard on your joints. Just lose it very gradually and do it for health reasons not for your fiance.

Is NOT overweight! You know nothing of her age, and her bone structure, and her muscle mass. I am 5'3 as well and at 65KG I wore a size 7 and ran 5 km a day. You've got to becareful before body-shaming someone.

[JuneL]

Is NOT overweight! You know nothing of her age, and her bone structure, and her muscle mass. I am 5'3 as well and at 65KG I wore a size 7 and ran 5 km a day. You've got to becareful before body-shaming someone.

 

I understand this is a sensitive issue, but there’re standard guidelines:

https://www.cdc.gov/healthyweight/effects/index.html

 

A recent article concluded from a survey that doctors tend to not give advice to overweight/obese patients on weight loss for fear of being accused of body shaming.

[somanymistakes]

also for goodness sake what kind of person sees a woman who is clearly feeling insecure and unhappy and goes "Oh by the way you're ALSO overweight and sick lol"

 

You don't know that she is, you don't know her health, you don't know her feelings, you don't know what her family history is, you CERTAINLY don't know that losing weight will make her any happier or more energetic, and thinking that weight loss will solve all your problems lands people in hospitals. it's just completely irresponsible behavior.

 

Recent surveys have shown large number of overweight people being denied medical treatment for serious ailments and completely brushed off by doctors who refuse to investigate things for years because "it's probably because you're fat", thus missing what WOULD have been treatable.

 

THAT's why doctors are now being instructed to not push people into weight loss unless they ask about it.

[JuneL]

I agree it’s rude to give unsolicited advice on weight loss (or anything else, for that matter), but the OP seemed to bring up her weight issue first. Btw, she’s 62kg (not 65kg), so she’s technically not overweight!

[Veronica73]

No sh*t. Also people who need to lose weight generally know that. They don’t need to be reminded! For f*cks sake.

[Gaeta]

She did not bring up her weight because she thinks it might be the issue, she brought it up to confirm to us she is happy in her body and has not gained weight.

 

 

 

And yes women have many insecurities but the weight isn't always the source of this issue. Many beautiful thin women have poor self-esteem.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I struggle a bit with the whole social media thing as it relates to relationships so I don't have any great advice to give. As a rule, I prefer being with men who aren't social media wh*res. Life is just easier that way.

 

I do believe most things, including porn and scrolling through social media in moderation is fine, or should be fine. That goes for men or women.

 

That being said, I think the days of chanting "Men will be men!" to justify or excuse so much of their behavior when it comes to the opposite sex are over. It just doesn't cut it anymore.

 

Disrespect is disrespect. Inappropriate behavior is inappropriate behavior. Period.

 

Is watching porn a few times a week count as inappropriate? Is liking a bunch of half-naked women on IG disrespectful? I don't know. That's up to each couple to determine for themselves and their relationship and that takes serious communication.

 

When it becomes an issue is when it starts to replace sex/intimacy with your partner or impedes on your relationship in some way that causes a shift. Excessive hiding and sneaking around doesn't help either as it creates mistrust even if there isn't anything to mistrust.

 

Healthy relationships are open, honest and transparent. If you're with someone who is not open, honest or transparent or you're not comfortable being that way, then perhaps it's time to re-evaluate your relationship.