Friendzone - differences for men and women

[nospam99]

I know this topic gets discussed in passing frequently. And if there is already a thread somewhere that discusses the following questions, point me at it. (And, mea culpa, I'm opening the topic because I am 'in it' and it both hurts like hell and makes it difficult for me to 'let go and move on'.)

 

And for those of you, like me, deeply 'into' Game of Thrones/ASoIaF, our 'poster boy' is 'Ser Friendzone', Jorah Mormont.

 

Definition (open for discussion): the attitude towards a person who might otherwise be a potential romantic interest where that person is considered a friend only and the romantic potential has been, almost or totally, ruled out.

 

This is, of course, a discussion of everybody's opinions since the attitudes will vary with the usual cultural and social differences. For men versus women:

- Which gender is more likely to put another person in the friendzone?

- How much more likely?

- How many people are retained in the friendzone?

- For how long?

- What is the possibility for escape?

- Are there specific escape tactics and how useful are each?

- Why do tendencies to friendzone (yes, I just 'verbed' the term) vary between the genders?

- What characteristics makes the friendzoner select the 'friend' to be friendzoned?

- What characteristics tend to make the friendzonee put up with it?

[Mr. Lucky]

What is the possibility for escape?

 

Do you mean other than the healthy step of moving on to other relationships offering more realistic romantic possibilities?

 

Most of your questions seem based on the premise one remains willingly in the "zone". The opposite course of action seems much more likely to have a satisfying outcome...

 

Mr. Lucky

[basil67]

- What characteristics makes the friendzoner select the 'friend' to be friendzoned?

 

Out of all the questions you asked, this is the only one I can answer: Nice enough person, no sexual attraction.

 

As for the rest, you'd need to do some serious data analysis rather than ad hoc online guestimates.

[basil67]

Out of all the questions you asked, this is the only one I can answer: Nice enough person, no sexual attraction.

 

As for the rest, you'd need to do some serious data analysis rather than ad hoc online guestimates.

 

Edit to add: there is no escape from the friendzone. You're either hot to them or you're not.

[Cersei]

Oh man I do love the Jorah Mormont reference. Lol

 

There is no getting out of the friend zone once you are in it. That's why it's so important to keep out of it.

[chillii]

Depends.

For me any woman l've friended was because l liked her as a friend/person but she wasn't my type romantically.

So in that way the friend thing never changed and really it couldn't .

Although back in the younger day one girl l lost contact with but bumped into again 18mths later , had totally transformed into someone l'd def' go for. l remember thinking wow, wtf happened to you.

And l've seen that with women vise verse to for whatever the reason might be and some guy.

 

Or, what if there was the romantic thing at some point, that's a different thing entirely again , we've probably all known someone or did it ourselves that reconnected, even years later , like someone l know. lt didn't work but they remained friends, years later the hot engaged been married 10 yrs or so now.

 

Or how many times you hear of someone that were always just friends for years and years but one day , boom, they're together.

So really from what l've seen this stuff isn't always written in stone no matter how things might seem.

Edited April 5, 2019 by chillii

[elaine567]

I'm opening the topic because I am 'in it' and it both hurts like hell and makes it difficult for me to 'let go and move on'.)

 

Your situation is not a simple friend-zone one. She was your ex, so there was sexual attraction, but she found a deal breaker, she dumped you, she blocked you and months later she unblocked you and you then tried to get her attention again

She makes soothing friend-zone, ex-zone noises, she tells you about her dating life, but she doesn't want to date you again.

Give up. Move on.

 

That dealbreaker was not something she would just get over, and 'Surprise surprise', she hasn't got over it.

It was a direct hit on desire and without desire there is no relationship.

It's not "right", it's not "fair", but it is what it is.

Sorry!

[Prudence V]

My “sorting hat” on meeting people in a social situation was always:

 

 

If I like someone enough to want to keep them around long term => friendzone

 

If they look like they can provide me with an orgasm or two, but I wouldn’t rely on them to water my houseplants => quick shag and then dispose.

 

Others - if they’re not friends of friends, colleagues or anyone I’ll need to have anything further to do with, file them as “someone I once met” and move on.

 

How might someone change category? Well, if someone I friend zoned let me down, they’d be demoted to “someone I once met”. If someone I shagged turned out to have more to them, I might want to promote them to the friend zone. But beyond that - not really. I’ve never shagged anyone I friend zoned, for example.

[elaine567]

I’ve never shagged anyone I friend zoned, for example.

^^^The bottom line.

 

Categories of suitors.

Can I kiss and have sex with this man?

Yes, No, Maybe.

No - straight to the friend-zone or immediately forgotten.

[2.50 a gallon]

When it came to my personal interests, most women could not keep up with me. I liked to play sports, softball, volleyball, basketball, back packing, fishing, hiking, car racing, working on cars, photography, nature, and women.

So when it comes to women, they had to be sexually attractive to me, or there was nothing there to work with.

But on the other hand, I was a short, skinny guy, so most times when we first met they hardly noticed me, as they were looking for the dream boats, and I had to work at getting laid. I was a fun guy to be around, I was a good cook, and I did things, some times out of the normal, like kite flying, tree climbing, going to the dirt track races, where I knew many of the drivers.

I also liked tropical fish, and one of the first things that I purchased when I moved out on my own was a 29 gallon fish tank. By pure luck I put it just about 4 inches above the carpet. It was a friend zone beater, I would invite a lady over to supper and then relax with her by laying back on the carpet to talk and watch the fish swim. Or play a game of chess, back gammon, or any card game. That and a bottle of Boones Farm wine, and it would not belong before we past being friends.

It hardly ever failed me.

[Happy Lemming]

I refuse to be placed in the "friend zone".

 

I was dating this one woman, we had gone out twice and I thought things were going well. So, I called her up to set up a 3rd date and she told me that she didn't want to "date" me anymore, but thought I would be great as a friend. I told her I had enough friends and didn't need another one, so we just said "Good-bye". I knew once I was placed in the "friend zone", I'd never get laid, so there was no need in even continuing the phone conversation.

 

NEXT!!

[JuneL]

Your situation is not a simple friend-zone one. She was your ex, so there was sexual attraction, but she found a deal breaker, she dumped you, she blocked you and months later she unblocked you and you then tried to get her attention again

She makes soothing friend-zone, ex-zone noises, she tells you about her dating life, but she doesn't want to date you again.

Give up. Move on.

 

That dealbreaker was not something she would just get over, and 'Surprise surprise', she hasn't got over it.

It was a direct hit on desire and without desire there is no relationship.

It's not "right", it's not "fair", but it is what it is.

Sorry!

 

So this is about Natalie, again? Wow, she surely has power over you!! I think your situation is more orbiter than friendzone.

[loversquarrel]

Why does it matter? Both genders engage in it and if you can't take the cue that you aren't going to get something you want then disconnect and find someone who is worth your time.

[basil67]

Ah, now we have more context....you're confusing friendzone with a breakup.

 

A friendzone is where sexual attraction has never existed and is unlikely to in the future.