Is there a point where forgiving is ridiculous?

[SavinaV]

My best friend is very forgiving but sometimes it makes me wonder if that's a flaw too. Do you think it's wrong to be very forgiving if someone treated you like this?

Before my friend got married (Nov 2018), she put up for 5 years of terrible treatment from the guy's mother and sister. I witnessed once how they made my friend cried.

On one occasion during a b-day party, the sister got drunk and punched her once, hurling insults (insulting her parents too) while the mother was clapping and laughing. She had a swollen eye for a week.

 

2016:

Both suddenly had a change of heart and go into a period of getting closer to god, salvation and forgiveness. My friend and her then bf resumed contact with them and a truce was made.

 

Present time:

They were forgiven since and my friend now sees them as a family. Her now SIL recently told her she was like a sister to her. She also apologized again for like the 5th time or so, which my friend told her they've (she and MIL) already been long forgiven and no need for apologizing.

 

I give her credits for being that forgiving. There is no way I would forgive someone that tormented me that badly, not even if they became Mother Teresa. In fact her mother and I still hate them.

 

My friend is still trying to get both her mother and I to forgive them.

We can't. In the back of our minds, we still see images of them as the two vile, nasty bullies that hurt her, that made her cried, caused her stress, that assaulted her, that were horrible.

 

How can she have a close relationship with them without getting reminded they made her life miserable for 5 whole years?

Edited April 1, 2019 by SavinaV

[Gretchen12]

You can't forgive them because it didn't happen to you. Only she can forgive. You're not in her shoes. One reason to forgive is that it frees her, allows her to move on and be happy. Surely you want her to be happy. I don't think you understand forgiving is not charity. Sometimes it is liberation and survival. I hope you don't keep reminding her of the past, something she's not proud of. Try to be sensitive.

[SavinaV]

You can't forgive them because it didn't happen to you. Only she can forgive. You're not in her shoes. One reason to forgive is that it frees her, allows her to move on and be happy. Surely you want her to be happy.

I've been trying to be in her shoes and try to look on the bright side but for me it doesn't seem logical to allow former toxic people back in your life. There is still a chance they can hurt you again.

She's happy now which I'm amazed at her recovery. I'm still impressed how she was able to not only forgive them completely basically but develop a close relationship/bonding with them.

 

I had to be cordial with them but still deep down hate them. I tried my hardest not to remind her of the past, which she doesn't want yo talk about anymore.

[d0nnivain]

Forgiving is about you being the better person then those who caused you harm. Pope John Paul II forgave the guy who shot him.

 

Your friend was the one harmed here. She forgave those who wronged her. If she can do that, you have to find a way to let it go. You don't have to forget what they did but let it go already. Carrying the resentment around only poisons you at this point.

[Wallysbears]

I forgave my MIL for some nasty crap. I’m polite and cordial...but I didn’t forget and I don’t trust her for ****.

 

But I forgave because it’s easier for my family that way. We can all be cordial which is good for my son.

[stillafool]

Personally I wouldn't care if you and my mother didn't forgive my in laws. They would now be my family and if I decide it's best to forgive them and have a happy marriage that is all that would matter.

[anika99]

So if I'm reading your post correctly, your friend was mistreated by her boyfriend's mother and sister up until 2016 and then she married her boyfriend in 2018. The mother and sister have apologized and changed their behavior towards the OP.

 

If her and the guy had broken up then she would have no reason to see the mother and sister ever again and she could hate them for all eternity if she wanted to, but she married the guy which means these people are going to be part of her life in one way or another for many years to come. It is best for your friend, her husband, her marriage and her future kids to get along with this family. Don't you want the best for your friend? Why do you want her to remain angry and miserable over things that happened several years ago? As long as the mother and sister have shown true remorse and are continuing to treat your friend with care and respect I would say forgiveness is the way to go.

 

Now if it were 5yrs ago and you had posted this while this abusive behaviour was taking place, I probably would have cautioned your friend against marrying a guy who comes from such a family and who would allow his family to treat his gf in such a terrible manner but too late now. They got married and that means it's in everyone's best interest to get along and leave the past in the past.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It sounds like you don't have a good understanding of what forgiveness means, and especially who it's for and how it can help the forgiver.

[preraph]

Look, I'd never forget someone had that in them and I think people who do are suckers and too fearful to do anything about the situation, such as get out of that family. You don't need to forgive. All you need to do is be outwardly polite and cooperative while looking them right in the eye and making certain they know you see right through them and aren't the chump their DIL is.

[Mr. Lucky]

Both suddenly had a change of heart and go into a period of getting closer to god, salvation and forgiveness. My friend and her then bf resumed contact with them and a truce was made.

 

Isn't that what you'd hope for while the mistreatment was occurring? That they would change their ways and treat you with love and kindness?

 

Certainly, I'd forgive someone who made a positive, consistent and long-lasting change in their treatment of me...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SavinaV]

Forgiving is about you being the better person then those who caused you harm. Pope John Paul II forgave the guy who shot him.

I read that story a long while back. I guess some people have such a kind heart. Kudos to the forgiving Pope.

I understand forgiving makes you the better person but many of us maybe aren't strong enough to forgive, esp if the offense was a repetitive pattern.

I forgave my MIL for some nasty crap. I’m polite and cordial...but I didn’t forget and I don’t trust her for ****.

 

But I forgave because it’s easier for my family that way. We can all be cordial which is good for my son.

Yeah you're smart for not trusting her. Those people can't ever be trusted. If already have that in them to screw you over.

[SavinaV]

So if I'm reading your post correctly, your friend was mistreated by her boyfriend's mother and sister up until 2016 and then she married her boyfriend in 2018. The mother and sister have apologized and changed their behavior towards the OP.

Yes, correct.

 

The last time I reminded her about how much of a bully they were, she changed the topic so I don't mention it.

It sounds like you don't have a good understanding of what forgiveness means, and especially who it's for and how it can help the forgiver.

It means not having the desires to get even with those that wrong you badly. It's like saying ''I accept what happened but won't hold it against you anymore''. I think not too many of us can be forgiving.

 

Look, I'd never forget someone had that in them and I think people who do are suckers and too fearful to do anything about the situation, such as get out of that family. You don't need to forgive. All you need to do is be outwardly polite and cooperative while looking them right in the eye and making certain they know you see right through them and aren't the chump their DIL is.

You're on the right track. If someone was a repetitive tormenting bully, it means they already had that capacity to hurt you and that just doesn't go away unless the person completely changes their personality, which is rare.

[SavinaV]

Isn't that what you'd hope for while the mistreatment was occurring? That they would change their ways and treat you with love and kindness?

 

Certainly, I'd forgive someone who made a positive, consistent and long-lasting change in their treatment of me...

 

Mr. Lucky

Yes and while I'm glad my friend is happy and mentally healthy again, I hope they changed for good.

 

I might forgive them if I'm convinced but unlike her, I'm keeping my distance. I wouldn't ever consider them a close friend.