Ex/Boyfriend volatile while we're on break

[Leinad92]

I've been with my boyfriend now for 7 months. We've been close friends for 10 years and started hooking up last year but it blossomed into something more serious. It's been great for the majority of it until last month where everything went to ****.

 

I've got a male best friend I've known for four years. We're not interested in each other, he's had every opportunity and I don't find him attractive, it's not a thing before anyone suggests it is. My boyfriend has never met him but has been aware of him over the past few years (my friend lives in a different city) and he was fine with me going to visit my friend since we started dated. The last month however he's gotten off about it, not exactly being jealous or anything, just acting off when I bring my friend up in conversation.

 

I go to University in a different City and I'm alone up here. My Boyfriend booked a week off work at the end of last month to come visit but got bent out of shape when he found out my friend visited me for two days the week before he was coming up. For the first time in the 10 years I've known him, my Boyfriend got angry and said some hurtful things. Nothing horrible just jealous stuff but it just took me by shock because I've never seen him upset and he's the most level headed and empathetic person I know. He immediately apologised and I assured him there was nothing going on and he knows that but because he's been cheated on a bunch of times by his horrible exes before so he just panicked.

 

Long story short. I understand where he's coming from, he's not a jealous person but he's suddenly gotten paranoid about my friend, he even knows it's stupid but can't stop himself from feeling jealous about it. He's apologised about it but he did it again when he came to visit. I love him and I don't want the relationship or the friendship to end but I'm dealing with a lot of stress right now and I can't juggle work and reassuring him everything's ok.

 

The visit ended up going sour because he felt like he wasn't wanted which wasn't true and we've bickered since over the phone and message. I've talked to him and expressed that I'm concerned we're gonna end up ruining things if we carry on like this so I've asked for a break for the time being, reassuring that it's not the end of it. I still wanna be as close with him as before I make an effort to talk to him everyday which he's been so understanding about. He's apologised about the whole incident and agrees a break is for the best. We've agreed we wanna see each other when I'm back this weekend to talk about stuff but every now and then he gets off with me and makes me feel guilty. I'm worried about what he's said to our friends back home as well even thought he's told them it was mutual I'm scared he's making me out to be the bad guy. He's not like that but it's a daunting thought.

 

He's also gotten a bit annoyed when I've mentioned my friend is visiting etc. so I'm really not sure what to do atm. I do love him and I want a future with him but I'm not gonna end a friendship with a close friend because of it.

Edited March 26, 2019 by Leinad92

[bmh]

Your last paragraph says it all. You have no intentions of ending your friendship, so basically you just let the chips fall where they may. He can either work on his jealousy or he can move on. Seems like the only options here. If his behavior continues, you are more likely to resent him later, assuming you or he doesn’t end it first.

 

I know that doesn’t sound like constructive advice, but it’s really all I got. You said you can’t juggle everything and have to reassure him it’s ok. I can totally understand that. I hope this works out for you, truly.

Edited March 26, 2019 by bmh

[major_merrick]

If you have a male friend, that's one thing. If he's staying at your place, that starts to look different. Put the shoe on the other foot - how would you feel if your boyfriend had a close female friend that visited him, stayed close to him, and that you had never met?

 

I can tell you that most women wouldn't like the scenario I just described. I was my husband's close friend when he was with other people, and it drove a couple of his partners crazy that we still talked. Jealousy is a very real and natural thing, especially when there's distance involved.

 

To me, it doesn't sound like your boyfriend is a bad guy. However, the two of you might have some issues with boundaries that need to be discussed.

[healing light]

Unfortunately, this is an issue that is unlikely to go away any time soon. He either trusts you or he doesn't--it's unfair to expect you to pay for the sins of his past girlfriends.

 

Some couples have a policy of no opposite sex friends and it works well for them, so you'll get people on both sides of the camp on this one. I'm the type where many of my friends are men and I don't want to secretly bang any of them. I also don't want to be put in the weird position of feeling like I need to ask permission to see them every now and then or that I need to hide seeing them if I do.

 

As long as there is no emotional affair going on/you can still communicate openly with your partner about issues first/don't have friends actively trying to sabotage the relationship/aren't sidelining your boyfriend so he's not a priority (none of these things sound like they apply to your situation), I am inclined to feel you've done nothing wrong and this is his issue to work on.

 

You don't want to walk on eggshells and cut out all the support in your life because you're afraid of the power struggle that will ensue from his insecurities. These things tend to escalate over time, not get better, especially if he hasn't processed his past.

 

The only suggestion I have for you if you don't want to end your relationship is to make an effort to integrate your boyfriend with your circle of friends. See your male friends in a group setting or let him know he's always free to come along. Maybe once he sees there is truly nothing there it might make the whole thing a little easier on him. If you cut off friends you don't want to where nothing fishy is going on, you'll eventually come to resent him and you'll enable his issues at the same time.

[BaileyB]

Let’s just say, I don’t think your boyfriend is being irrationally paranoid.

 

Without a doubt, I would hope that my boyfriend to be accepting of previous friendships. But, I would also show him the respect that he deserves as my boyfriend - I would not stay alone or spend a lot of time with another man.

 

If you are unable to maintain a boundary that is acceptable to your boyfriend, you are going to have a decision to make. Your last paragraph most definitely shows where your loyalty lays... I just wouldn’t be so quick to say that your boyfriend is jealous and paranoid because lots of men would have difficulty with this...

Edited March 27, 2019 by BaileyB

[Mr. Lucky]

he was fine with me going to visit my friend since we started dated... he found out my friend visited me for two days the week before he was coming up.

 

Leinad92, you're going to have to define "visit".

 

"We had coffee together since he was in town" is one thing. "He stayed at my place for several days" is quite another...

 

Mr. Lucky