Why do people want their ex back? (sorta rant)

[phyrespryte]

I just don't get it. I understand if you broke up on reasonable terms, like distance, or bad timing, or stuff like that. But then there's just horrible breakups and I don't understand why people would want to go back to someone who hurt them so bad.

 

For example this guy I'm crazy about. His ex is ten years older than him, has a doctorate already and he's still trying to get his associates. She broke off their engagement two years ago b/c she met her h.s. sweetheart and thought he was more stable. The sex sucked so she came back to him and he gladly took her back. Then this year she dumps him right before Valentine's day. And on Valentine's day she kicks him out of the new apartment they just got together. Both times he was seriously messed up. So fast forward a couple of months and she goes and starts to act like a stalker to find him. She appears at the store to see him even though she has never stepped into that store since she quit. She went to his apartment complex at 1am talking to neighbors to find him. She'd call the store everyday to talk to him and now they're back together. Huh?!?

 

I couldn't possibly want to go back to that. It just doesn't make sense. I was crazy about my ex too, but after a couple of months I couldn't stand being hurt anymore. They've been together 4 years!! It's crazy. Why would you let someone keep hurting you?

 

Oh well for those who doubt no contact's powers...it worked for him.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Sometimes Love just sucks...

 

We all want what we can't have, Get rid of it when we have it, and repeat

 

Most of us are just smarter or wiser at knowing when to fold and throw the cards in..

 

instead of believing in the bluff that the other has.. Your ex and his ex fall into this catagory

[NYCmitch25]

Ah, the dreaded ex-syndrome!

 

The answer to this question is right under your nose! It's the same reason why you are crazy about this guy just as he is for this other gal (aka the heart breaker). Basically "There is no pain greater than being rejected by someone we believed was The One. A million and one reminders of the person who hurt you haunt you day in and day out. " --mypleasure.com illustrating that not only do people still feel attached, they don't give themselves the proper methods to seek a resolution. Also some people learn this type social behavior from their parents bad relationship or perhaps have a low self-worth and want to be loved or have codepenancy issues. As far as I'm concerned, if I were dumped once, I would try my hardest to disconnect myself from that other person by doing a lot of things such as "writing down their faults" and "burning everything that was a reminder of them".. (including them jk) ;-)

 

 

Now I wonder why you are so attracted to a guy who is unavailable to you? ;-)

[phyrespryte]

Originally posted by A Fly onThe Wall

Most of us are just smarter or wiser at knowing when to fold and throw the cards in..

 

instead of believing in the bluff that the other has.. Your ex and his ex fall into this catagory

 

Maybe I'm misunderstanding you. My ex keeps emailing me and telling me he loves me, so I don't understand how my ex is like his ex.

 

Originally posted by NYCmitch25

Now I wonder why you are so attracted to a guy who is unavailable to you? ;-)

 

 

Good question. I'm not really sure. I think more than anything I'm just bitter that he picked her over me. It's only a matter of time before she dumps him again. I guess it's wanting what I can't have. But I don't think it's the same kind of situation. In a couple of days/weeks I'll probably be over him. I wasn't engaged and then dumped. If I was I wouldn't want to get back with that person.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by phyrespryte

Maybe I'm misunderstanding you. My ex keeps emailing me and telling me he loves me, so I don't understand how my ex is like his ex.

 

Typo.. meant to say Your friend and his ex fall into this catagory

[NYCmitch25]

Originally posted by phyrespryte

 

Good question. I'm not really sure. I think more than anything I'm just bitter that he picked her over me. It's only a matter of time before she dumps him again. I guess it's wanting what I can't have. But I don't think it's the same kind of situation. In a couple of days/weeks I'll probably be over him. I wasn't engaged and then dumped. If I was I wouldn't want to get back with that person.

 

I guess sociology is the art of finding out why people do things; but trust me, I can relate to you becuase I have a twin brother and a couple of times he was picked over me by a girl that I liked. In your case though, I think this guy might be a nice guy but it seems more like he is a "relationship loser" who is trying to overcome his insecurities with this other gal. (she also seems to have a host of issues as well). Basically you "can't" be with him while he is still pining for this older gal. I think you said they had a long term relationship so the recovery time from their "breakup" will take just as long -- this is partly because he isn't trying to get over his ex of 4+ years.

 

He started a relationship with you while still being mentally "invested" in the other relationship. I've been though this before (a few years ago), but I just broke it off because of similar circumstances (partner that was still conflicted after being dumped from a 5 year mess of cheating etc. yada yada yada). In her case, it was something she learned from her parents, a social language that included abuse and cheating. What I did from then on was to look at the parents relationship and from that discern clues into how the new girlfriend may behave on some level.

 

With a guy like you've described, I wouldn't even give him the statisfaction of being a "friend", I would simply move on and not even return his phone calls. Of course the choice is yours, but with so many other fish in the sea, I don't know why you would pick one that doesn't have a spine. ;-)

 

I guess you don't need to have a degree in sociology to understand people, I think you have a great head on your shoulders, thanks for spending the time and getting introspective with us!

 

 

good luck,

keep in touch with the details!

[ziggue]

My friend is like that...

 

Her ex has done a lot of things to hurt her.

 

Nobody wants them to get back together because they know that after a couple of months of blissful happiness it will just go back to the way it was. They have also been on and off for years now. Him always dumping her. She's cried on my shoulder a couple of times, rang me up crying about it as well. It does get annoying but I was there for her as a good friend.

 

The last time they broke up she finally ended up moving out and getting a place with her sister. Now he keeps calling her, sending her texts and letters. Saying that he has changed and she is slowly falling for it because she can see that he is slowly changing. How long will that last though?

 

She was saying that he rang her up at 6am in the morning and said that he had been up all night thinking about her and played Let Me Love You by Mario all night over and over again. Sounds obsessive to me.

 

Plus one time when he knew she was out with us girls (Girls Night) when we got back to my place there was like 15 missed phone calls on her mobile. My poor boyfriend was at home asleep but got woken up by them. Lucky he didn't answer. It stopped when he almost did. He probably would've gotten abused with him thinking it was a new guy. .

 

She now wants to start dating him again. I think they even went out last weekend. Our other friend and I don't like it but what can you do without ruining friendship without getting in between them. It's their choice. She'll just have to learn the hardway if it goes bad again.

[phyrespryte]

Originally posted by NYCmitch25

With a guy like you've described, I wouldn't even give him the statisfaction of being a "friend", I would simply move on and not even return his phone calls. Of course the choice is yours, but with so many other fish in the sea, I don't know why you would pick one that doesn't have a spine. ;-)

 

Thanks NYCmitch. I'm trying to move on, I haven't talked to him since he stood me up. He called awhile back, but I didn't answer or return the call. What really messed me up was that he was just so thoughtless. It's like the person he should be treating like crap is his ex not me.

 

What you said about looking at the parents relationship is so true. It's sad how parents can pass on so much negative stuff to their kids without even realizing it. I guess he must have a lot of issues since up until this year he hasn't talked to his parents since he was 19 (he's 25). Oh well his problem not mine.

 

Originally posted by ziggue

She now wants to start dating him again. I think they even went out last weekend. Our other friend and I don't like it but what can you do without ruining friendship without getting in between them. It's their choice. She'll just have to learn the hardway if it goes bad again.

 

That's rough. It's so hard when you want to tell your friend to stop it!! I know another couple just like your friend and they got married...and divorced a year later. It sucks not being able to say what you really think. You would think they would want to hear the truth from you, but no they go crazy on you for saying the smallest negative thing.